The League, Season 2

Ruxin:
[praying outside by Taco's egg-filled nativity scene] Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh eggs and Jesus and Santa and Travolta's guy and, of course, Shiva, please let him miss this kick and let me win this game.

Taco:
And please make him stop stinking so much.

Ruxin:
Hey, quit bogarting my prayer, man.

[Inside the house]

Kevin:
Okay, this is the greatest day of my life.

Pete:
I hope the day Ellie was born was a close second.

Kevin and Jenny:
Eh.

Pete:
Oh, my God, we are one gimme field goal away from an all-MacArthur Shiva Bowl.

Jenny:
Do not jinx him.

Pete:
Jenny, there's no jinxing. You got a top-five kicker for a 37-yarder with no wind in the middle...

Kevin:
Silence! Here we go. Clean snap...snap is good...go to the top...looks good...

Pete:
Post!

Kevin:
Post?

Andre:
Okay, I know you're upset right, but next week you're going to be so relaxed. Trust...[Jenny puts her hand to his mouth]

Kevin:
SHIT!!!!!!

Ruxin:
[hearing from outside] I won! It's an Eggsmas miracle!

Taco:
[as Ruxin delightedly kisses him and the others come out of the house] Oh, this miracle smells like poo.

Kevin:
Shit!

Taco:
Did you lose?

Kevin:
You shut your MOUTH! Every year I set this league up, every year, and I never win! This was the year! F***! F***, f***, f***! Bullshit! I babysit you morons! I babysit you! "Oh, help me out. Do this, move that guy around. I don't know how to set a lineup." F*** you! F*** you, Taco! F*** you, Ruxin! [kicking over stands] Stupid wise men! Stupid eggs! Stupid f***ing eggs!

Taco:
My eggs!

Kevin:
[still trashing egg nativity scene] Stupid, stupid, stupid...

Ellie:
Daddy, stop! Kegel's watching you. He's gonna report to Santa.

Kevin:
Look me in the eye, Ellie. There is no Kegel. And there is no Santa Claus and there's no Christmas, there's no God, there's no Easter Bunny! There's nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, [breaking down] nothing!

Ruxin:
I gotta say, I feel like I just won twice.