The League, Season 2

Kevin:
This is your plane ticket, Taco.

Taco:
Thank you for paying for it, brother. To pay you back, I will teach Ellie to ride a motorcycle.

Kevin:
That's not necessary. She's only six.

Ruxin:
By the way, the term "what happens in Vegas...", that should be, like, buried in a graveyard of overused expressions along with "You go, girl" and "Show me the money."

Jenny:
I want to know: who didn't vote for me?

Ruxin:
It's a secret vote. Can't discuss the details.

Chad Ochocinco:
Wow, I would've voted for you. There's already one woman in this league. Ain't that right, She-Dre?

Andre:
You, too, really? I'm paying for your room, man.

Jenny:
I don't know, guys. I just think it's really sad that you are afraid to lose to a girl. I think you did it because you're scared of me.

Kevin:
You can still be on my team if you want to be.

Jenny:
What I want to do is inflict as much pain on each and every one of you as possible.

Andre:
How are you going to do that?

Jenny:
Ruxin, do you want some help?

Ruxin:
Are you serious?

Jenny:
Yeah, I'll help you out with your draft.

Andre:
It's unfair.

Ruxin:
Fortune favors the just!

Taco:
[on the redone league trophy with a small statue of Andre] Why doesn't it have a penis?

Ruxin:
Oh, because it's anatomically correct, Taco.

Ruxin:
[on the various hot women in the club] My wife is hotter than her and her. My wife's hotter than her. My wife's hotter than her.

Kevin:
Okay, we get it. You out-kicked your coverage with Sofia.

Taco:
[snaps four times] Racist lions don't like playing the game. Yesterday the game was to eat a lot of yogurt.

Andre:
President Andrew Jackson?

Taco:
Yeah, who else would Old Hickory be?

Ruxin:
Rafi's coming by for a drink.

Pete:
You invited him here? Why?

Ruxin:
Cause he's in the league. He's our friend.

Andre:
You know we hate him, right? You realize that. We call him "El Cuñado".

Kevin:
He's vile.

Ruxin:
By the way, "El Cuñado" just means "brother-in-law" in Spanish. I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to make it sound dirty.

Kevin:
No, it does sound dirty.

Andre:
[sounding dirty] El Cuñado.

Pete:
El Cuñado. When did you become such a fan of El Cuñado? You used to rip on him constantly, and then all of a sudden you marry his sister and he's your best friend now?

Andre:
You used to call him, like, a homeless, ethnic Santa Claus.

Ruxin:
It happened to be around Christmastime, and he was carrying a big bag of things.

Andre:
Your brother stole my car.

Ruxin:
He's not my brother. Bro-Lo El Cuñado.

Andre:
If he has sex in that car, you're buying me a new one.

Ruxin:
Well, someone will finally have sex in your car.

Andre:
I went down on a girl in that car.

Pete:
That wasn't a girl.

Andre:
Yes, Turner syndrome, XXY.

Pete:
[on Kevin's shelves full of For Dummies books] That's a lot of books.

Ruxin:
I thought these were all Yellow Pages.

Kevin:
Why would I keep Yellow Pages?

Ruxin:
Why would you keep a stack of "How I'm a Dummy" books everywhere?

Kevin:
Because this is my own personal research library.

Pete:
[perusing the books] Stretching for Dummies.

Ruxin:
Holiday Entertaining for Dummies.

Kevin:
Those things are high-pressure situations.

Pete:
Cryptography for Dummies. Three seconds-what is cryptography?

Kevin:
You know what, that came in a set.

Ruxin:
Oh, Kevin. Law for Dummies?

Kevin:
I should've hid that one.

Ruxin:
You're a lawyer, Kevin.

Kevin:
It's full of common sense legal advice.

Pete:
Jesus! Mexico's Beach Resorts for Dummies. How hard is it to hang out in a beach in Mexico?

Ruxin:
Is there a How to Hide Your Glaring Lack of Knowledge From Your Friends for Dummies, cause that's one you should've bought.

Andre:
I met this doctor, Dr. Maxwell. Real class act.

Pete:
Is he...black?

Andre:
How'd you know?

Pete:
Nine times out of ten, when a sportscaster is referring to someone as a "class act", they're talking about a head coach who's black. "Tony Dungy, what a class act."

Kevin:
"Total. Lovie Smith-class act."

Andre:
I never noticed that. I mean, it happens all the time?

Kevin:
It's not just football. Sportscasters use these code words in all sports. If they're talking about a Latino player in baseball, like, "Ozzie Guillen is a..."

Ruxin:
Firecracker. Latin guys are always firecrackers.

Kevin:
"...firecracker."

Pete:
Spark plug.

Kevin:
Spark plug in the clubhouse.

Ruxin:
Wes Welker is like a gym rat, a real scrappy player.

Kevin:
Which is code word for "white."

Ruxin:
Always a white guy.

Kevin:
Ichiro Suzuki is...

Taco:
Inscrutable.

Kevin:
You cannot be in a league with Russell

Jenny:
Why? He called the other day, they needed an extra person, we were talking, he asked me if I could do it.

Kevin:
Jenny, Russell is a sex addict.

Jenny:
There's no such thing as a sex addict. There's just guys.

Kevin:
Yes, guys who want to sleep with everything.

Jenny:
Yeah, guys.

Kevin:
This guy is perverted, all right? Who starts a league week three?

Jenny:
Whatever. I'll figure it out. We're going over there for the draft, and I'm excited.

Kevin:
Jenny, I don't want you to be in a league with Russell the sex machine. I want you to be in a league with me.

Jenny:
Really?

Kevin:
Really.

Jenny:
Well, it didn't sound like that in Vegas, did it?

Pete:
Enter initiate, please.

Jenny:
[entering with a plate] I made brownies...

Ruxin:
No, no, no, no, don't take food from the initiate. Kneel!

Jenny:
No.

Ruxin:
Stand.

Jenny:
No. I think I'll sit and just be comfortable.

Ruxin:
Sit comfortably!

Jenny:
Thanks.

Andre:
Wait, that's all the hazing? You guys hazed me for two weeks. I'm still finding pieces of squid all over my apartment.

Kevin:
So, due to last night's circumstances, Raffi has decided to leave the league. So we welcome a new member. Welcome, sweetheart.

The other guys:
"Sweetheart"? No.

Andre:
That's all she gets? You guys called me "dick cream" for two years.

Kevin:
You want "dick cream" back?

Andre:
No. I wanna be called Andre, Dre, D-Man, all right?

Jenny:
Raffi left me with, like, a roster of total crap, and I was thinking that maybe we could just redraft.

The guys:
No!

Andre:
No, no, no. You're on your own now. Welcome to the league.

Jenny:
All right, I accept the challenge. And I will take this donkey of a team and I'm gonna turn it into a champion, dick cream.

Andre:
No, no, no, no dick cream.

Jenny:
But just FYI, you guys. You know your buddy Russell? Not a sex addict.

The guys:
Oh, yeah, he is.

Pete:
What are you drinking?

Andre:
Oh, it's this amazing energy supplement. It's Sports Performance Utility Nutrition Kick.

Kevin:
SPUNK.

Andre:
Yeah, Oh, you guys heard of it. Yeah, it's the best. SPUNK is amazing.

Jenny:
Yeah?

Andre:
It just gives me so much more energy. I just suck these down. I love SPUNK.

Pete:
But what does it taste like, just out of curiosity?

Andre:
It's a little salty. But when you're running, you just want it. Like, I want some SPUNK, you know?

Kevin:
Do you have, like, a favorite flavor SPUNK?

Andre:
I don't think they have flavors or just different colors. I like the black kind.

Pete:
So where do you get this stuff?

Andre:
I got a guy.

Twyla:
Look, I know you have been avoiding me, but I need a donation from you for Team Twyla for our marathon.

Ruxin:
Yeah. I just don't know if I'm supporting Team Twyla this year.

Twyla:
Excuse me?

Ruxin:
See, I just don't negotiate with charity terrorists.

Twyla:
What are charity terrorists?

Ruxin:
Charity terrorists are people like yourself who force me to give money to things against my will. It's almost a jihad against my wallet. Let me ask you a question, Twyla. How much of that marathon did you run last year?

Twyla:
Well, I walked as much as I could, and then I ran a bit and then I walked some!

Ruxin:
On that walk, did you stop at TCBY?

Twyla:
Yes.

Ruxin:
Well, I also love The Country's Best Yogurt, but I don't expect you to pay me to go on the elliptical to work it off. But if you do want to lose some weight, you can start by not eating my chicken salad sandwich out of the fridge.

Twyla:
Okay, well then why don't you put your name on it, Rodney?

Ruxin:
'kay, everybody calls me Ruxin, and I can't believe I work in an office full of hungry hungry hippos.

Taco:
Friends, you are looking at a licensed notarizer.

Ruxin:
The word is notary.

Taco:
No, no, that's the plural.

Andre:
[to Pete] You might not know this, because I haven't seen you training, but the whole secret of marathon running is keeping yourself limber and flexible at all times.

Ruxin:
It's not dressing like you're the fifth member of Color Me Badd?

Jenny:
So you didn't have a problem getting Ellie over to Jackie's?

Kevin:
I thought you brought her to gymnastics.

Jenny:
No. I brought her to gymnastics, and you were supposed to pick her up and drop...oh, my God.

[Kevin and Jenny rush out of the bar]

Andre:
Parent fail.

Taco:
I just ate a shit-ton at Sizzler. I have the strength of four Salisburies, three sirloins, and a gallon of root beer inside me. Let's notarize!

Ruxin:
You can't just bring some rando girl just because you have a "plus one".

Andre:
She's not a rando girl, okay? She likes me, she's super techie, very cool. You guys are going to love her.

Pete:
Oh. The techie. Yeah, I get it.

Andre:
What?

Pete:
That explains all the tech gear.

Andre:
No, I just like this stuff.

Pete:
Come on. You're a boyfriend chameleon, you know this.

Andre:
Am not.

Pete:
Yes, you are. You are so desperate for shared interests, you basically just adopt whatever hobbies the person you're dating has.

Andre:
Not true.

Pete:
Not true?

Andre:
Not true.

Pete:
Lest I bring up Hippie Girl. Anyone? Please chime in.

Ruxin:
Absolutely.

Andre:
All right, you know what? Starchild was wonderful, all right? I was hacky-sacking way before I ever met her.

Kevin:
Do me a favor and say, "happy anniversary."

Jenny:
I will when she says, "happy birthday."

Kevin:
No, you say it first.

[They exchanges hellos with Ruxin and Sofia]

Jenny:
You look lovely.

Sofia:
Thank you. This is the same dress that I wore at my rehearsal dinner the night before my wedding.

Jenny:
Oh, the night before my birthday?

Sofia:
My wedding.

Jenny:
My birthday.

Sofia:
My wedding.

Jenny:
My birthday.

Sofia:
My wedding five years ago. Can you believe the dress still fits? Actually, I had to take in it just a little bit.

Jenny:
I am going to go get a drink.

Stacy (Andre's date):
It is so great to finally meet you guys in person. Rodney?

Ruxin:
Ruxin.

Stacy:
Oh, my God. I found some of your college poetry-on an archived Prodigy page-and I just have to say, "Hernando's Song" was beautiful.

Sofia:
What is she talking about?

Stacy:
It is beautiful. And you, Kevin. How many times do I have to poke you before you accept my friend request on Facebook?

Kevin:
I don't even know who you are.

Stacy:
Sofia, oh, my God. [leaning in close] By the way, love the nose job; it's perky, cute, but it doesn't rob you of your ethnicity, you know? Anyway, I'm going to grab a drink. Do you want something?

Andre:
Whatever you're having. [They kiss and Stacy walks away] Isn't she great?

The others:
No.

Sofia:
She's weird.

Jenny:
Totally weird.

Andre:
What do you mean, she's weird? No.

Kevin:
She's strange, man.

Sofia:
Shit's natural, bitch.

Andre:
Okay, guys, just chill out. She Googled you guys.

Kevin:
No, no, she Googled too deep. She's a deep Googler. She's like page five shit, man.

Jenny:
No, actually, I am kind of curious about this poetry thing you've got going on, Rodney.

Ruxin:
It was a goof.

Andre:
[on his iPad] I got it right here. "With auburn hair and dark, dark eyes, Hernando rode the steed of love into the gallows of my heart."

Jenny:
Hernando's a man's name.

Ruxin:
[on hearing the others ordering shots] It doesn't need to be top-shelf.

Andre:
Oh, we're not driving. Taco got us all cars.

Ruxin:
Your rando plus-one just Tweeted about my anniversary.

Andre:
That's so great. Did she use the #greatevent?

Ruxin:
All I know is that I just got a call from my cousin who is one of her 831 followers on Twitter.

Andre:
That's so cool.

Ruxin:
No, because he wasn't invited because I don't want him here because he collects ferrets.

Andre:
Well, that's what you get when you live your life on the Net.

Ruxin:
You know, your life on the Net is even sadder than your life on Earth.

Taco:
Can I have your attention, everyone? It has taken me five years, but I've finally completed Ruxin and Sofia's wedding gift-their wedding video.

Ruxin:
But we already have a wedding video.

Taco:
Yes, but I was shooting behind-the-scenes footage with my own camera without any of you knowing. I wanted to capture the wedding cinnamon very day style.

[In Taco's video] Ruxin:
I'm worried that her family full of conquistadors is going to round up my whole family and stick us in a basement and put yellow stars on us. Andre: That's the worst case scenario. Ruxin: What is it with Catholicism? Why is the baby running the show here? Pete: No, no, don't touch, don't touch. You'll burn your skin. Ruxin: I don't know why I'm marrying this woman. Why couldn't I just marry a nice Jewish girl-Andrea Greenblatt in fourth grade? Pete: Because you like blowjobs. Ruxin: I love blowjobs! I haven't even written my vows yet, Kevin. Kevin: Your vows are the easy part. Very simple. This is what you do. "Love is a..." any noun you want. Any noun you want, all right? You just do that. "Love is a journey. Love is a commitment." And on the third one, you can't get it out. "Love is a...hold on, give me a second. [Starting to cry] I can't get it out. I just...I need a second. Love is a wonderful thing." And that's it-done.

[In Taco's video]

Ruxin:
I'm worried that her family full of conquistadors is going to round up my whole family and stick us in a basement and put yellow stars on us.

Andre:
That's the worst case scenario.

Ruxin:
What is it with Catholicism? Why is the baby running the show here?

Pete:
No, no, don't touch, don't touch. You'll burn your skin.

Ruxin:
I don't know why I'm marrying this woman. Why couldn't I just marry a nice Jewish girl-Andrea Greenblatt in fourth grade?

Pete:
Because you like blowjobs.

Ruxin:
I love blowjobs! I haven't even written my vows yet, Kevin.

Kevin:
Your vows are the easy part. Very simple. This is what you do. "Love is a..." any noun you want. Any noun you want, all right? You just do that. "Love is a journey. Love is a commitment." And on the third one, you can't get it out. "Love is a...hold on, give me a second. [Starting to cry] I can't get it out. I just...I need a second. Love is a wonderful thing." And that's it-done.

Kevin:
What I felt tonight was...

Jenny:
Was "insert adjective here."

Ruxin:
Taco has organized this whole night just to mess with me and beat me this week, and I'm not going to let that frittata do it. He's a sly fox.

Andre:
No, he's not a sly fox. He's at the bar trying to cut his own hair with a knife.

Kevin:
Babe, I'm so sorry about today. I really screwed up.

Jenny:
Why? It's kind of the best birthday ever.

Kevin:
Really?

Jenny:
Are you kidding me? It's like a train wreck. I can't look away.

Taco:
[after throwing an irate monkey out of the car] Oh, my God. I think we just killed him!

Pete:
We didn't kill it, okay. Monkeys land on their feet. They're like masturbating cats.

Witch:
His spirit is very restless; there's a terrible noise.

Taco:
Oh no, is it Savage Garden? Five for Fighting? Boyz II Men? Please tell me it's not Boyz II Men.

Witch:
He's covering his ears!

Taco:
Is it Creed? Nickelback?!

Kevin:
[in court seeing Taco eating popcorn] Taco? I knew one day you'd get arrested. What did you do?

Taco:
I'm here for the show.

Kevin:
What show?

Taco:
My favorite show's Judge Joe Brown, and my cable's out, so I figure this will be the next best thing.

Kevin:
What if you didn't pick up Mike Bell?

Jenny:
Why wouldn't I pick him up?

Kevin:
Love.

Jenny:
Are you trying to collude with me?

Kevin:
Shh. Don't put words in my mouth. There's no colluding. I'll say this. If this was to occur, I would give you some really good sex.

Jenny:
Really?

Kevin:
I would do that. I would try my best.

Jenny:
Do you not try your best now?

Kevin:
I will give you 100% for four minutes, and then, like, 60% for the five minutes after that. And then after that, you're on your own.

Jenny:
You naughty little commissioner.

Kevin:
Yeah.

Jenny:
You know what you can do are all of Ellie's thank-you notes.

Kevin:
Why doesn't Ellie do her own thank-you notes?

Jenny:
Because Ellie doesn't need Mike Bell.

Kevin:
Why would you think I'm colluding?

Ruxin:
Your wife asked you to do something, and you did it on the first ask. It takes my wife three asks before I'll do something menial like take the trash out, and we have a loving marriage.

Ruxin:
Why are you and Kevin colluding?

Jenny:
Have you ever been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia?

Ruxin:
They brought me in for an evaluation in middle school, but I left before the psychiatrist could give me his final diagnosis. [Whispering] 'Cause he had it out for me.

Taco:
[chased by April's husband] Hey, buddy. Calm down. Listen, listen. Big misunderstanding, okay? Nothing happened, okay? We just had sex.

Andre:
You guys ready for the reunion this weekend? [The guys say no] You guys are going, right?

Ruxin:
Absolutely not going to the reunion. Why would I want to go? The reunion is the worst thing in the world. I see all the people from high school that I want to see, and I don't even enjoy that.

Kevin:
Why didn't you just move out of the way, Taco?

Taco:
Why? I couldn't stop. I was at the vinegar strokes.

Andre:
What are vinegar strokes?

Taco:
It's the point during the sexual experience when a man is about to orgasm, and he makes likes someone put a spoonful of vinegar up to his nose.

Ruxin:
[on Frank the Body] I don't miss that guy. That guy is the worst. He makes me appreciate you guys. That's how awful he is.

Kevin:
Thank you.

Ruxin:
And he called me the Herdsman.

Kevin:
Oh, the Herdsman! We haven't called you that in a while!

Pete and Andre:
Hyah!

Ruxin:
It was never even my nickname.

Kevin:
Ruxin, if we lined up every girl you had sex with in high school, we could run for 1,000 yards behind them in the NFL.

Ruxin:
At least I got laid in high school.

Pete:
Yeah, you got laid because you are a rabid hyena on the mountaintop, just digging up every scrap you could find.

Ruxin:
People gotta eat.

Andre:
Well, yes, that was the motto of most of the girls you dated.

Andre:
[seeing a video of Taco having sex on his desk] I can't believe you did all of that on my desk!

Taco:
I'm as upset as you are. I realize you can't capture your own vinegar strokes. That's why I need to watch you having sex.

Andre:
No, you're not going to watch me have sex.

Taco:
Yeah, yeah, when's your girlfriend comin' over? I'll hide in the corner, she won't see me. I'll just watch you.

Andre:
First of all, I'm not dating anyone right now, and secondly, no!

Andre:
You know, you're the only one here that can actually help me out. You know I have two balls. Just get the word out.

Shiva:
Why would I do that? I'm telling everyone that I did the reconstructive surgery. I have three new clients.

Andre:
Well, I'm glad I could help. We're even now. Are we even?

Shiva:
Oh, oh yeah. This...this makes us even.

Shiva:
[to Pete] Stu didn't have sex in your mom's car. Kevin did.

Pete:
What?!

Andre:
[offering a high-five] Oh, yeah!

Pete:
I'm sorry, how do you know this?

Shiva:
Because it was with me.

Andre:
[taking it back] Oh, no. What? What?

Pete:
Why don't they put these things in the reunion books?

Shiva:
Kevin lost his virginity to me in your mom's car.

Pete:
I'm sorry, can I get some more details?

Kevin:
No, no. Good.

Shiva:
He was so excited that when he came, he kicked through the window and then he yelled my name. "SHIVAKAMINI SOMAKANDARKRAM!!!" It was funny actually.

Andre:
So the first Shiva Blast was your vinegar strokes.

Kevin:
All right, Eskimo brother.

Kevin:
What's that thing on top?

Pete:
That is Sacko del Toro, otherwise known as a bull scrotum.

Andre:
Wait, so we're naming it after a bull?

Pete:
No, no, no, no. We said we were going to name it after the worst people at the reunion, and I did: you guys. You're literally the worst people I've ever known.

Kevin:
Thank you.

Ruxin:
You're just saying that.

Pete:
You're all sacks of shit. Here's to the Sacko.

The guys:
[toasting] To The Sacko.

Kevin:
I love it. I hope I never win it.

Taco:
Smells like a new car.

Taco:
In my spare time, I like writing obituaries.

Ruxin:
Excuse me?

Taco:
Obituaries for you guys.

Kevin:
Your hobby is imagining what you're going to write when we die?

Taco:
You guys don't do this?

Kevin and Andre:
No.

John Hansen:
[on Fantasy Sports Radio with Adam Kaplan] Back to the phone lines. We're going to K-Dog in Chicago. Yo, what's up, K-Dog?

Kevin:
You remember me? I'm the guy you screwed over. You told me to start Wallace. Meanwhile, I've got Meachem sitting on the bench, and he scores two touchdowns.

Adam Kaplan:
It's one player. Come on, dude.

Kevin:
I lost by three points.

Hansen:
We told you Meachem had upside potential.

Kevin:
But you ranked Wallace higher.

Kaplan:
Rankings slave.

Hansen:
Rankings bitch.

Kevin:
That's exactly what I am. I'm a slave to the rankings.

Hansen:
Dude, you gotta be a man. Make your own decisions.

Kaplan:
Absolutely.

Kevin:
I haven't made a decision for myself since the day I got married. I have a car that has a little screen that tells me what's behind me. I don't even want to make the decision of turning my head to look what I running over. Tell me what to do! And Hansen, you even call yourself a guru. You've gurued nothing! Don't call yourself an expert and give me shitty advice.

Hansen:
Hey, hey, hey.

Kevin:
You suck at your job.

Hansen:
Dude, here's a prediction for you, my friend. You are banned from the show for life.

Kevin:
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Because I'll call in as other people. I'm going to be Mike from Seattle who's so upset Marshawn Lynch is having such a crappy year.

Hansen:
Correction, my friend. You're Kevin McArthur from Winnetka, Illinois.

Kaplan:
And I'm looking at your phone number right here, dude.

Kevin:
It's not blocked? [He gets disconnected] Can I take back what I just said?

Ellie:
[to Kaplan and Hansen] My daddy said he'd rather listen to those mushmouthed Bean Town jackasses on Car Talk than the crap that you belch out of your pie holes.

Kevin:
[on webcam with Jenny, the others watching on their respective computers] Season's greetings, everyone.

Jenny:
From Kevin and Jenny.

Kevin:
We wanted to take a minute to wish you and your families a happy and healthy holiday season.

Jenny:
We have so much to be thankful for.

Kevin:
We have a healthy, wonderful daughter.

Jenny:
Amazing friends.

Ruxin:
So delusional.

Jenny:
And did we forget to mention that we are both in the playoffs this season?

Ruxin:
Here we go.

Kevin:
It seemed to have slipped my mind. Yes, we are so blessed to have not one, but two teams in the playoffs. Most families don't have any.

Jenny:
Andre.

Andre:
Never should've made that trade with Taco.

Jenny:
And this week's matchup should be a cakewalk.

Kevin:
Yes, you are going to obliterate Peter.

Jenny:
And you are going to kill Rodney.

Ruxin:
We'll see about that.

Jenny:
So from the first family of fantasy football...

Kevin:
...to your family at home...

Kevin and Jenny:
Suck it!

Jenny:
Now I think it's time for you to take a tubbie.

Kevin:
Bath time.

Ellie:
That's bullcrap.

Kevin:
What did you say, young lady?

Ellie:
You heard me.

Jenny:
[turning to toy elf] Well, I'm sorry, what's that, Mr. Elf on the Shelf? You're calling Santa right now?

Kevin:
Uh-oh, Santa's being phoned.

Ellie:
[walking away] All right. Stop busting my balls.

Kevin:
Where did she learn to talk like that? I knew we were going to have a dick kid, I knew it.

Ruxin:
[praying outside by Taco's egg-filled nativity scene] Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh eggs and Jesus and Santa and Travolta's guy and, of course, Shiva, please let him miss this kick and let me win this game.

Taco:
And please make him stop stinking so much.

Ruxin:
Hey, quit bogarting my prayer, man.

[Inside the house]

Kevin:
Okay, this is the greatest day of my life.

Pete:
I hope the day Ellie was born was a close second.

Kevin and Jenny:
Eh.

Pete:
Oh, my God, we are one gimme field goal away from an all-MacArthur Shiva Bowl.

Jenny:
Do not jinx him.

Pete:
Jenny, there's no jinxing. You got a top-five kicker for a 37-yarder with no wind in the middle...

Kevin:
Silence! Here we go. Clean snap...snap is good...go to the top...looks good...

Pete:
Post!

Kevin:
Post?

Andre:
Okay, I know you're upset right, but next week you're going to be so relaxed. Trust...[Jenny puts her hand to his mouth]

Kevin:
SHIT!!!!!!

Ruxin:
[hearing from outside] I won! It's an Eggsmas miracle!

Taco:
[as Ruxin delightedly kisses him and the others come out of the house] Oh, this miracle smells like poo.

Kevin:
Shit!

Taco:
Did you lose?

Kevin:
You shut your MOUTH! Every year I set this league up, every year, and I never win! This was the year! F***! F***, f***, f***! Bullshit! I babysit you morons! I babysit you! "Oh, help me out. Do this, move that guy around. I don't know how to set a lineup." F*** you! F*** you, Taco! F*** you, Ruxin! [kicking over stands] Stupid wise men! Stupid eggs! Stupid f***ing eggs!

Taco:
My eggs!

Kevin:
[still trashing egg nativity scene] Stupid, stupid, stupid...

Ellie:
Daddy, stop! Kegel's watching you. He's gonna report to Santa.

Kevin:
Look me in the eye, Ellie. There is no Kegel. And there is no Santa Claus and there's no Christmas, there's no God, there's no Easter Bunny! There's nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, [breaking down] nothing!

Ruxin:
I gotta say, I feel like I just won twice.

Kevin:
It's time for our offerings to the ShiDre, and I think we should start with the Shiva Bowl contestants, and I think ladies before dickheads.

Ruxin:
What if they're both?

Jenny:
What are you gonna do?

Kevin:
Ladies before dickheads, go ahead.

Jenny:
[offering a donut-shaped pillow] ShiDre, your hemorrhoid donut that you earned in Vegas when you made that hard drive up Andre's backfield. May you sit comfortably for all the rest of your years.

Ruxin:
Next, as a ode to your terrible fashion sense, Dre and Andre, [offers a red porkpie hat] I offer you the hat that you gave me for Christmas.

Andre:
Okay, you know what. Forgive me, but I think that hat's pretty pimpin'.

Ruxin:
Need I say more?

Ruxin:
Well Jenny, may the best man win this week.

Jenny:
Oh, Ruxin, you know you're only here because I drafted your team for you.

Ruxin:
I don't remember it that way.

Jenny:
Really?

Ruxin:
Really. All I know is that I got a killer lineup and I'm gonna get an amazing performance out of either Donald Brown or Steve Breaston.

Jenny:
Are you trying to get me to help you with your lineup right now? You are unbelievably horrible, Ruxin. I cannot wait to obliterate you. And you are going to lose, you are going to go home, and you are going to savage your pud.

Ruxin:
Very classy.

Jenny:
Thank you.

Ruxin:
You know, I am so glad Sofia's not in this league because you are just a brute of a wife.

Jenny:
I am a great wife.

Ruxin:
Oh yeah, because every wife completely emasculates her husband. For shame, Jenny

Kevin:
Babe, are you ready to go?

Jenny:
Get back in the car, Kevin.

Kevin:
Yes, ma'am.

Jenny:
[pulling back the shower curtain revealing Kevin masturbating to a smartphone in a plastic bag] I have drAIDS.

Kevin:
Whoa!

Jenny:
Oh, ugh! Kevin, you have betrayed my trust.

Kevin:
Babe, it's just a little bit of porn. No one ever...

Jenny:
I don't care that you are yanking it in a shower. Savage yourself all you want; do not touch my lineup.

Kevin:
Babe, I was doing what I felt was right for the entire team, for the whole MacArthur team. I mean, this is the Shiva Bowl, babe.

Jenny:
Are those our sandwich bags?

Kevin:
Yeah. They work so good.

Jenny:
[replacing the curtain] My whole life is cursed.

Kevin:
Is it weird if I finish?

Ruxin:
[singing to tune of Hava Nagila] Shivakamini Somakandarkram, Shiva - Suck it!

Andre:
Let me just review the stats for a couple of days.

Ruxin:
Okay, every African dictator ever, you lost the elections. Now give up power.

Ruxin:
[holding the Shiva] Free at last, free at last. Shiva, I am free at last!

Pete:
Uh, did you just compare yourself to Martin Luther King?

Ruxin:
Did he win his league?

Pete:
Wow, you're feeling really good, aren't you?

Ruxin:
I feel great 'cause I'm a champion and I'm here with my beautiful lady, my Shiva. But Shiva's a little naked today. That's why I got her this.

[He holds up a revised plate]

Jenny:
It's already got your name on it.

Ruxin:
That's right it does. "Ruxin! Suck it!" Let the unrelenting reign of Ruxin begin. [Slaps the plate on the Shiva and hoists it high] SHIVAKAMINI SOMAKADARKRAM! I won the Shiva! The Dre is dead!

[Everyone looks in the sky]

Jenny:
Oh, my God.

Kevin:
Is that a solar eclipse?

Jenny:
Guys, was there supposed to be a solar eclipse today?

Andre:
Not for months.

Kevin:
This league is doomed.

Pete:
Ruxin has won. It is the end of days!

Ruxin:
This is exactly how I picture it when I'm masturbating, down to the fact you're all watching! The only difference is Andre's wearing a stupid hat! [Andre pulls out his hat] That's the one. Put it on so I can finish!

Pete:
Don't put it on!

Andre:
[wearing the hat] It's not stupid. Will Smith has the same one.