Mystery Science Theater 3000, Season 5

[Joel is pinning a new suit together using Crow as a mannequin. Servo's head has been replaced with a pincushion. Joel accidentally pricks Crow.]

Crow:
Ow!

Joel:
Oh, I'm sorry, pal. I'm just so distracted. I can't stop thinking about that sweet service station in today's film. Did you guys notice how sleek and beautiful it was?

Servo:
[patronizingly] Um, no, Joel, I can't say that I did, heh-heh [aside to Crow] Koo-koo! Koo-koo!

Joel:
I'm serious, you guys! There was a time that we as a nation took pride in our service stations! They gleamed like a beacon of hope from coast to coast. Then one day: kablooey! Sky Chief super service turned into the Tank 'n' Tummy. I don't mind tellin' ya, the day this country went self-serve is the day that Hell started to bubble over and flood the earth.

Crow:
I hate to burst your bubble, Joel, but what about the bubonic plague? World Wars? Stalin?

Joel:
Well, those are all big things. Hell works best when it's a lot subtler. Let me give you an example: Okay, what do you think of Adolf Hitler?

Crow:
Well, I hate him, naturally.

Joel:
Okay, now what do you think of the band Styx?

Crow:
Well, they had a couple of decent... [realization sets in] Oh, my God, you're right!

Servo:
I get it now, Joel! You know, I don't know exactly when Hell started for me, but I think it had something to do with Christopher Cross.

Joel:
Yeah, and remember the time Charlie Weaver died, and it wasn't even in the papers?

Crow:
Or when they 86'd Jarts!

Servo:
I think the first time Flo said "Kiss my grits!", something in all of us withered and died!

Crow:
Using Joe Camel to sell cigarettes to kids seems like a pretty ripe slice of Hell.

Joel:
Yeah, I agree with that. And how about the time Denis Leary released No Cure For Cancer as an album, or when Vicki Lawrence won a Grammy for "The Night The Lights Went Out in Georgia"?

Servo:
I know I stand alone on this, but the day Blansky's Beauties got cancelled.

Crow:
Yeah, you pretty much stand alone on that. Sinbad's pretty icky.

Joel:
Yeah, and how about the Charlene Tilton workout video?

Servo:
Joel! How can we possibly survive in a world that keeps giving us constant images of Hell?

Joel:
Well, there's personal liberty, strength of convictions; those have been known to work. And there are the times when we rise as one to beat back Hell. Like the time when we as a nation said "No!" to Yahoo Serious.

Crow:
I remember that. There we were, inexplicably drawn to the slobbering mouth of Hell. Then, at the last moment, saved just like Moses and the Israelites.

Servo:
Now who in Creation is powerful enough to do that?!

Crow [as Goliath]:
Gee, Davey, do ya think it was God?