Mystery Science Theater 3000, Season 5

Nastasia:
Do you want survival?

Joel [as Sally Struthers]:
Sure, we all do!

[A group of henchmen run around a corner and immediately get shot to death.]

Crow [as henchman]:
Whoa! That was dumb, can't believe we did that!

["Megaweapon" bears down on the hero and his ragtag band.]

Joel, Crow, Servo:
Megaweapon! Megaweapon! Megaweapon!

[The evil Prosser commands brainwashed Nastasia to hold a handgun to her own head.]

Crow:
She's got a Lady Hemingway! [N]

[The end credits roll, ending with the dedication "For John"]

Joel:
John? Heh, this movie belongs in the john.

[Hercules and his fellow sailors confront a field of women in tight shorts, tunics, and silly caps, armed with bows.]

Joel:
Attack of the Mary Martins! [N]

[Hercules is choking a lion.]

Joel [as lion]:
Aww, Herc, I was kidding.

[After Hercules kills the lion a group of cavalry appear]

Joel [as a cavalry man]:
Hi, we've come to get Scruffy, our pet lion! OH MY GOD!

(A Huge Cloud is seen on screen with some of the sun peaking through)

Crow:
There will be patches of scattered god today

[The titles appear.]

Crow:
I need to know what not to do on a date! Hahaha!

[A person's name with 'Ph.D.' attached to it appears.]

Servo:
What, she has a Ph.D. in dating?

Joel:
Oh no, this is like having your mom talk to you about sex!

Nick:
Uh, Kay… you wouldn't want to help get the scavenger sale ready at the community center… would you?

Joel [as Kay]:
How many ways can I say "no"?!

Kay:
Oh, I've been hearing about that. Yes, I'd like to very much.

Crow [as Kay]:
Is it okay if I bring my boyfriend Dave?

. . .

Nick:
I sure didn't think she'd go to a place like that for a date.

Joel [as Nick]:
… with a loser like me.

Nick:
Where's my racket?

Servo [as Nick]:
I should spank myself.

[Kay steps behind Nick while holding a hammer]

Joel:
Kay's worked on the kill floor - she knows where to deliver the blow.

Narrator:
How does Jeff get ideas like that?

Servo [as Narrator]:
From the voices inside his head.

[Nick notices piece of paper on bulletin board]

Narrator:
Wait a minute, maybe this is where Jeff gets his ideas!

Joel:
The lunch menu?

[Nick loads sandwiches onto his plate at the food table.]

Servo:
Uh, Nick, other people have to eat, too.

Joel:
Ice cream? I love this party!

Crow [as Narrator]:
Had this been an actual date, you would have been instructed where to go.

[During one of the many, many girl fights.]

Crow:
Beverly Garland's bra! I have seen the Promised Land!

[opening credits roll along shot of desktop with a phone, gun, & smoldering cigarette]

Crow:
[excited] Oh, wow! I bet this guy's so cool! He smokes, carries a gun, and... [deflating] makes a lot of... phone calls...

[Sinbad addresses a crowd of people in the city and they yell in agreement with something he says.]

Crow [as someone in the crowd]:
Howard Johnson is right!

[Sinbad delivers another speech, but the editing makes it appear as though it has lasted for more than a day.]

Joel:
It's noon and he's still filibustering!

[Sinbad makes prospective members of his crew drink a strong liquid to test their fortitude.]

Crow:
They're test-marketing Crystal Pepsi.

[Sinbad's ships approach an island whose residents wear giant horned helmets and cloaks.]

Crow:
They look like the Knights Who Say "Ni!"

[Roxy walks up to her little car.]

Crow [as Roxy]:
Taxi! ...Oh, I drove.

. . .

Servo:
Y'know, the nice thing about this car is she can fold it up and put it in her purse.

[Roxie parks her car at Tommy's service station and honks her horn. Tommy, played by the homely Arch Hall, Jr., looks up.]

Crow:
Honk if you love Eegah!

Tommy:
Hi, Roxie!

Joel [as Tommy]:
Sorry about my face!!

[Joel is pinning a new suit together using Crow as a mannequin. Servo's head has been replaced with a pincushion. Joel accidentally pricks Crow.]

Crow:
Ow!

Joel:
Oh, I'm sorry, pal. I'm just so distracted. I can't stop thinking about that sweet service station in today's film. Did you guys notice how sleek and beautiful it was?

Servo:
[patronizingly] Um, no, Joel, I can't say that I did, heh-heh [aside to Crow] Koo-koo! Koo-koo!

Joel:
I'm serious, you guys! There was a time that we as a nation took pride in our service stations! They gleamed like a beacon of hope from coast to coast. Then one day: kablooey! Sky Chief super service turned into the Tank 'n' Tummy. I don't mind tellin' ya, the day this country went self-serve is the day that Hell started to bubble over and flood the earth.

Crow:
I hate to burst your bubble, Joel, but what about the bubonic plague? World Wars? Stalin?

Joel:
Well, those are all big things. Hell works best when it's a lot subtler. Let me give you an example: Okay, what do you think of Adolf Hitler?

Crow:
Well, I hate him, naturally.

Joel:
Okay, now what do you think of the band Styx?

Crow:
Well, they had a couple of decent... [realization sets in] Oh, my God, you're right!

Servo:
I get it now, Joel! You know, I don't know exactly when Hell started for me, but I think it had something to do with Christopher Cross.

Joel:
Yeah, and remember the time Charlie Weaver died, and it wasn't even in the papers?

Crow:
Or when they 86'd Jarts!

Servo:
I think the first time Flo said "Kiss my grits!", something in all of us withered and died!

Crow:
Using Joe Camel to sell cigarettes to kids seems like a pretty ripe slice of Hell.

Joel:
Yeah, I agree with that. And how about the time Denis Leary released No Cure For Cancer as an album, or when Vicki Lawrence won a Grammy for "The Night The Lights Went Out in Georgia"?

Servo:
I know I stand alone on this, but the day Blansky's Beauties got cancelled.

Crow:
Yeah, you pretty much stand alone on that. Sinbad's pretty icky.

Joel:
Yeah, and how about the Charlene Tilton workout video?

Servo:
Joel! How can we possibly survive in a world that keeps giving us constant images of Hell?

Joel:
Well, there's personal liberty, strength of convictions; those have been known to work. And there are the times when we rise as one to beat back Hell. Like the time when we as a nation said "No!" to Yahoo Serious.

Crow:
I remember that. There we were, inexplicably drawn to the slobbering mouth of Hell. Then, at the last moment, saved just like Moses and the Israelites.

Servo:
Now who in Creation is powerful enough to do that?!

Crow [as Goliath]:
Gee, Davey, do ya think it was God?

[The not-so-intrepid Robert I. Miller goes exploring in the desert.]

Joel:
Oh, look, he's wearing corrective shoes with black socks.

Servo:
He's wearing corrective everything!

[Tommy drives up as Eegah runs from Roxie's car. Roxie screams.]

Tommy:
Roxie! It's me, Tom!

Joel [as Roxie]:
That's why I'm screaming! AAAAAAAAA!!!

[In the desert, Dr. Miller, Roxy, and Tommy are examining the giant's tracks.]

Dr. Miller:
He left the road right here.

Dr. Miller:
[ dubbed voiceover ] Watch out for snakes!

Servo:
Who said that?!

[Tommy sings and plays an electric guitar by the motel pool.]

Joel:
Man, it looks like it hurts to be him.

Servo [as Motel Staff on Loudspeaker]:
Uh, will the gentleman by the pool please discontinue the song? And watch out for snakes.

[Over yet another disgusting close-up of Arch Hall Jr.]

Joel:
I figured it out, he looks like the bat from FernGully.

[Eegah introduces Roxie to his mummified relatives.]

Roxie:
Um... how do you do?

Crow [as corpse]:
I'm really, really dead.

[At a pool party, Eegah once again carries off Roxy.]

Joel:
Man, she gets picked up so much, she should have a handle!

[Dr. Miller, trying to escape, carefully packs all his things into his plaid bag.]

Joel:
Oh, yeah. Don't forget your little satchel.

Crow:
That purse will be the death of him!

[Eegah returns to his cave, carrying flowers.]

Crow [as Eegah]:
[singing] Red roses for a blue ladyyyy...

Crow and Servo:
[in unison] EEGAH SHUCKA! EEGAH! EEGAH!

Joel:
[singing] I can't stop this feelin'...

[Over a shot of a dress store]:

Crow:
It's Frederick's of Maplewood.

Joel [as Announcer]:
The Loretta Young Show!

[Crow imitiates an audience roaring while Servo imitates the theme]

Crow [as The Cryptkeeper]:
Welcome to the Crypt! We've dug up something for you! [chuckles] Why not stick around and watch Dream On? It's the breast show on TV! [to Joel] Kill me.

[Over the opening logo (The letters EB in a circle), titles, and credits of this Encyclopedia Britannica film...]

Joel:
Easter Bunny films presents...

Servo:
"Truck Farmer": The special edition. Includes scenes the studio thought too graphic for audiences.

Crow:
Wonder if they sold this film door to door?

Narrator:
Most of us think that these people were really free...

Joel [as Narrator]:
But they were just stupid!

[A tractor is clearing down trees for farming.]

Crow:
Aah! It's Killdozer! Clint Walker, no!

Servo:
Here, thousands of acres of rainforest are cleared away. Who cares?

Crow [as driver]:
Stupid trees! God, I hate them.

Joel:
Early tractor pulls, not that much fun. This is the freestyle competition.

Crow:
Don't see many of these trees anymore. Well, down it goes.

Servo:
The sad thing is this guy doesn't even work for anybody. He's just doing this for kicks!

Joel, Crow, Servo:
[singing to the Speed Racer theme] Go, Speed Farmer! Go, Speed Farmer! Go, Speed Farmer, go!

Go, Speed Farmer!

Go, Speed Farmer!

Go, Speed Farmer, go!

. . .

Servo:
There's something you don't see every day.

Joel:
What's that?

Servo:
A farmer with all his limbs!

[The gang is quacking along with the background music.]

Servo:
Now "Duck News". Here's Hugh McQuackin.

[Cut to a single, long irrigation ditch in a grove.]

Narrator:
A complicated system of irrigation is used.

Joel:
Oh, real complicated.

Narrator:
Here in the Rio Grande delta, Mexican citizens who cross the border on temporary work permits, help.

Crow:
They make it sound so nice!

. . .

[A young Mexican woman picks carrots under the merciless sun.]

Joel [as Narrator]:
A preteen is put to work. Her beauty will soon fade.

Narrator:
The carrots are washed first.

Crow [as Narrator]:
They're made flavorless so people will buy steak!

Narrator:
Some carrots are frozen.

Crow:
Some carrots are humiliated publicly.

Narrator:
Here in southern Texas, they have an additional problem...

Crow:
Texans.

[Men spray ice into a large shipping container with a huge fire hose]

Narrator:
The vegetables are shipped in special, refrigerated containers.

Crow [as Narrator]:
Later, this device is used to beat back the workers.

[Towards the end of the short, which has mostly consisted just of shots of people farming...]

Joel:
Wait a minute, has anybody seen a truck yet?

[During the opening PRC (Producers Releasing Corportation) logo...]

Servo:
Penile Replacement Corporation pictures presents...

[As the title appears]

Crow:
The John Bradshaw story!

[During the title sequence]

Servo:
[singing] They laughed when I Accused my Parents and I kill them... Let's see if they are laughing now...

[During Jimmy's trial...]

Jimmy:
Maybe I shouldn't say this, Your Honor...

Joel [as Jimmy]:
...but I'm Esther Rolle!

Jimmy:
But... I accuse my parents!

[Everyone applauds.]

Servo:
Yes! We have a title!

Kitty:
[singing] Are you happy...

Crow:
Define "happy!"

Kitty:
...In your work...

Joel:
Oh, don't sing this to me on a Monday...

[Kitty abruptly breaks off her relationship with Jimmy.]

Kitty:
You'll always be a shoe salesman at $25 a week.

Servo [as Jimmy]:
Eighteen, after taxes!

[The lumpy-haired Kitty cries after Blake forces her to break up with Jimmy.]

Servo [as Kitty]:
If I had parents, I'd accuse them right now!

Crow:
I accuse her hair!

[During the opening title song, which praises all the wonderful qualities of Neil Connery...]

Joel:
[singing] He gets his haircut on Tuesdays!

Crow:
[singing] He prefers stuffing to potatoes!

Tom Servo:
[singing] His favorite movie is Turner and Hooch!

[Neil Connery prepares to hypnotize his patient, Miss Yashuko. He tents his fingers in concentration.]

Joel:
All right, here's the church, here's the steeple, open the door and go to sleeple.

[After an hour or so of no discernible plot development, Mr. Thayer discusses the details of his evil plan.]

Mr. Thayer:
Everything will go on, as if nothing happened.

Joel:
Nothing has happened...

[Singing to the opening credits theme]

Servo:
The Girl in Lover's Lane...

Crow:
With Jack Elam, not Jack LaLanne!

[Well-off but naive runaway Danny latches onto professional hobo Bix Dugan. They stroll through a small town.]

Danny:
I'm hungry! Let's get something to eat.

Bix:
That's a good idea.

Servo [as Bix]:
You're catchin' on, kid. That was very insightful of you.

[The two enter a diner.]

Joel [as Danny]:
We're hungry, but I thought of it! Ya know- d'ya think that could be my new job, Bix - decidin' when ta eat?

Crow [as Bix]:
Shut up, Danny.

Joel [as Danny]:
Oh.

[On the SOL bridge, Crow takes "What a Pleasant Journey" (aka "The Train Song") in a different direction.]

Crow T. Robot:
[singing] The 5:15 from Duluth, Oh my! It just derailed! The toxic waste is spillin', The conductor's been impaled. A benzene cloud has risen And the whole town's startin' to cough.

The 5:
15 from Duluth,

Oh my! It just derailed!

The toxic waste is spillin',

The conductor's been impaled.

A benzene cloud has risen

And the whole town's startin' to cough.

Joel, Servo:
[to the beat] [cough, cough] … [cough, cough]

Crow:
[singing] Within a matter of day-eeez, All of our skin will fall off.

Within a matter of day-eeez,

All of our skin will fall off.

[On the SOL bridge, Crow is dressed as Jack Elam's character Jesse.]]

Crow:
To live like the E-lam...

[The title Body Care and Grooming appears on the screen.]

Joel:
Is this an infomercial? Where's Cher?

Servo [as TV announcer]:
Body Care. And Grooming. They're cops.

[The short opens on a shot of several college-age couples looking lovey-dovey all across campus.]

Narrator:
Ah, spring!

Crow [as Narrator]:
Filthy, shameful spring!

. . .

Joel:
You know, people were whiter back then.

Narrator:
When a young man's fancy lightly turns to...

Crow:
Underpants.

Narrator:
...Love.

Crow:
Oh.

[Shot of slovenly girl.]

Narrator:
Look at that hair!

Crow:
[defensively] I like her hair!

Narrator:
And that blouse!

Crow:
[lasciviously] I'm looking, I'm looking!

...

[Shot of young man looking disgusted by slovenly girl's appearance.]

Narrator:
Sorry, Miss! We're trying to a film about proper appearance, and, well, you're not exactly the kind to make this guy behave like a human being!

Joel:
[bitterly] You know, make him want to grope you and paw at you!

. . .

[The slovenly girl is now immaculately dressed and groomed. The camera starts at her head and slowly pans down.]

Narrator:
Look at that hair... that skin... that mouth...

Servo [as Narrator]:
Those... n-nose.

. . .

Crow:
We simply took your libido and starched and pressed it!

[formerly slovenly girl walks off, quickly followed by young man]

Crow [as young man]:
Hey, I couldn't help but notice how much you look like everybody else!

[The camera focuses on a woman with a good appearance. Shortly after, it focuses on a woman looking discomforted and fidgeting around.]

Narrator:
Clothes are important. Besides fitting well and looking well, the clothes should be appropriate for the occasion. Wearing inappropriate clothes, like these shoes-

Servo [as the Narrator]:
Is immoral.

Narrator:
-is a sure way to make yourself uncomfortable... and conspicuous.

Crow:
Expressing individualism is just plain wrong.

Narrator:
Besides accumulating sweat, the skin is also constantly picking up dirt, dust, grit, and other foreign particles.

Crow:
Skin sucks.

Narrator:
One of these is cleansing cream.

Servo [as Narrator]:
One of these is nitric acid. Choose wisely.

[The short closes with the cleaned-up teens going to bed.]

Narrator:
And so... the end of a perfect day.

Joel [as Narrator]:
An entire day spent grooming.

. . .

Narrator:
And you...

Joel [as Narrator]:
Jezebel!

Narrator:
...by following these simple rules of body care and grooming, you too will [have] that quality of appearance, that feeling of well-being, so important to make your dreams of happiness come true.

Crow [as Narrator]:
And remember-when you touch yourself, the saints cry. Goodnight.

[As we fade out...]

Joel:
KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS! KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS!

Crow:
You're next!

[A few more names appear]

Servo:
[sarcastically] Oh, let's not forget these guys!

[Over the credit for screenwriter True Boardman]

Joel:
Yeah, I'm afraid we're gonna be true bored men after this...

Crow:
Now, is this the real Old West, or the Roy Rogers Old West where they had electricity and cars?

Jonathan:
Thirty years of mud scrabblin', and when I do find the glory dust, I go off half-cocked!

Crow [as Jonathan]:
But enough vernacular...

Taylor:
Never mind the dog, Tommy...

Servo [as Taylor]:
Here's the Sex Pistols.

[In response to a corral that suddenly appears]

Tom:
How did that corral get there?

Crow:
They used CorelDraw.

[Over a scenic shot of a mountain]

Crow:
Mount Rushmore!...Before it was built.

[After a long montage depicting Tommy, Jonathan, Taylor, and Shep working together on Jonathan's mining site, the scene fades to a shot of Taylor looking out the window of the cabin.]

Joel [as Taylor]:
Well, looks like the montage finally blew over.

[Pilot Pete saddles up his horse and heads away from Jonathan's cabin after a brief, uneventful stay.]

Crow:
So this guy comes in, stops the plot cold, and leaves.

Crow [as Shep]:
SNAUSAGES!

Dr. Forrester:
[Stopping his Brain Scan on TV's Frank and looking at the Camera] Ah, Joel. Your experiment this week is your first western. It's called "Gunslinger" and it stars Beverly Garland in her pre-Doddy period.

TV's Frank:
Beverly Garland [growls, but is cut off by another scan]

Dr. Forrester:
And it's directed by Roger Corman, so your brain might explode before Frank's does. [turns back to scan Frank before looking back quickly] Yippie-ki-yay, mama jama.

[The movie begins and Rose Wood walks to the Sheriff's office. Thanks to the wide-angle shot, two criminals on horseback are revealed to the side.]]

Joel:
[As the criminals start moving.]] Ah, cue the horses!

Crow:
[Under his breath]] Corman...

Servo:
[As the criminals stop] Boy, she is slick. How'd she get by us?

[In a barfight, a patron grabs Jake and throws him over the bar.]

Joel:
You know, he shoulda slid him across the bar.

Servo:
Oh, they hadn't invented that yet.

Joel:
Man, this movie is just sitting on my head and crushing it.

[Hired assassin Cain Miro is busy in his room when he hears a knock on the door. He goes up to it and opens it... outward as bar owner Erika enters]

Crow:
Wha... Doors don't open like that, there's a number... He's in the hall!

Cain:
Crazy coming up in here...

Joel [as Cain]:
...in my hallway here.

Cain:
Only the good die young.

Servo:
Most of us are morally ambiguous, which explains our random dying patterns.

[Mayor Polk puts his dead wife down, glares around the corner and reaches for where his guns should be.]

Joel [as Polk]:
Draw, er... wait a sec!

[Polk goes into the barn and pulls out a pitchfork.]

Crow:
[As Polk approaches Cain, to the tune of Green Acres] Doo-doo, do-do-do! The chores!

Tom:
Doo-doo, do-do-do! [scene switches to Cain aiming his gun] ...the hell?

[A drunken Cain attempts to kiss Erika.]

Cain:
[drunkenly] You got brown eyes...

Servo [as Cain]:
[drunkenly] An' you got a neck.

. . .

Tom [as Cain]:
Booze has knighted me King Of The Lovers!

[The character of Mike Nelson has appeared for the first time, as a temp worker in Deep 13.]

Dr. Forrester:
Here it is. Mitchell, starring Joe Don Baker

Mike Nelson:
You guys watch Joe Don Baker movies?

Dr. Forrester:
Well, here it comes, Joel - Mitchell! It's a… super secret spy… uh, has a motorcycle… marooned in space… meets… Hercules… or not… uhhh… watch it and weep, Joel-Prole-Mole!

[The opening credits feature action shots of Mitchell to a disco beat.]

Servo [as Isaac Hayes]:
Who's the puffy guy who's a big blurry sex machine?

Joel, Crow:
Mitchell!

Servo [as Hayes]:
That Mitchell is one fat s-

Joel, Crow:
Shut yo' mouth!

Servo [as Hayes]:
I'm just talkin' 'bout Mitchell!

[The camera slowly pans across a thickly tree-screened home at night.]

Servo:
Ee-gah...

Crow:
Shtemlo.

Joel:
Watch out for snakes!

Servo [as Announcer]:
We've hidden Mitchell somewhere in this picture...

Crow [as Announcer]:
Mitchell, will you stand up, please?

[Benton stops Mitchell from following Cummings into his home.]

Benton:
No salesmen at this entrance.

Servo [as Mitchell]:
But I'm not a salesman! I'm the Chubby Blue Line!

[At the park, Mitchell shoots man in the leg.]

Crow:
Daryl Gates on his day off.

Crow [as Golf Sportscaster]:
He's landed just short of the green.

Servo [as Other Golfers]:
Can you hurry it up, we've got a head wound back here!

[A kid on skateboard skates up to Mitchell's car where he's sitting.]

Kid:
Hi.

Mitchell:
Hi.

Kid:
Are you the man from the insurance?

Mitchell:
Nope.

Kid:
He came last night.

Mitchell:
Yeah?

Kid:
My mother doesn't like you.

Mitchell:
I don't like your mother.

Kid:
Why not?

Mitchell:
Why not?

Kid:
No, why not?

Mitchell:
No, why not?

Kid:
Why are you repeating what I'm saying?

Servo:
Tonight on Crossfire.

Mitchell:
Why are you repeating what I'm saying?

Kid:
I'm not.

Mitchell:
Well, I'm not.

Kid:
You are.

Mitchell:
Buzz off.

Kid:
What?

Mitchell:
What?

Kid:
What did you say?

Mitchell:
What you say?

Kid:
Did you say something?

Servo:
[Frustrated] AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Mitchell:
You say something?

Kid:
You said buzz off.

Mitchell:
You're lying through your teeth.

Kid:
You're lying through your teeth.

Mitchell:
Buzz off, huh?

Kid:
Buzz off!

Mitchell:
Buzz off, kid!!

[In bed with Mitchell, Greta reaches out to return unopened beers to the bed stand, which also has a bottle of Johnson & Johnson's...]

Joel:
Baby oil!

Joel, Crow, Servo:
BLAAAARRRGGGHHH!

Servo:
[vomiting noises]

Crow:
Why would anybody wanna do this with Mitchell, Joel?

[In the soundtrack, Hoyt Axton continues to sing the theme song.]

Axton:
My my my my Mitchell...

Crow:
My my my MY GOD, NOOOOO!

Deaney:
How do you like your Scotch, Mitchell?

Crow [as Mitchell]:
Uh, by the quart.

[Hoyt resumes the theme song during the movie's closing credits.]

Hoyt Axton:
[singing] My my my my Mitchell, what would yo' momma say?

Crow:
She'd say, "He's not mine! You can't prove it!"

[Mitchell spends several minutes silently comitting some mysterious act of sabotage on a car. It is unclear to the viewer what exactly Mitchell is doing.]

Servo [as Mitchell]:
Why did I do that?

[Mitchell tries to scale the fence outside Deaney's estate.]

Joel [as Mitchell]:
Man, this is hard to do after six sour cream burritos!

[After Joel has escaped and the Bots are panicking, cut to Deep 13 where Frank is staring slack-jawed at the camera, then ponders his keys which Mike had borrowed earlier.]

Dr. Forrester:
[walking in from off-screen in a bathrobe, toweling his hair] Ahh, nothin' like a good shower to make one feel new again. I feel great! Nothing can get in the way of my good mood! What's going on, Frank?

Frank:
Oh, not much... inventory's under control...

Dr. Forrester:
Yeah?

Frank:
Floor needs mopping... Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love...

Dr. Forrester:
Well, I can see you've got the situation well in hand--WHAT?? Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love?

[Dr. F begins typing on the control panel.]

Frank:
Well, I'd better get started on that floor...

Dr. Forrester:
Frank! My towel and your hinder have an appointment, but first we've got to rescue Joel! Oh, no, nooo! Frank, he's landed safely in the Australian outback!

Frank:
Well, let's just hope he landed on Yahoo Serious.

Dr. Forrester:
Well, that's a good point, Frank, because--Frank! Can't you see we're ruined? What are we gonna do?

Frank:
Yeah, well, we could send someone else into space.

Dr. Forrester:
Who are we gonna find at this late date to send into space?

[Mike walks in behind them with his time card.]

Mike:
Can you guys sign my time card?

[Dr. Forrester and Frank begin laughing maniacally; Mike, confused, nervously joins in.]

Dr. Forrester:
Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Frank?

Frank:
Yeah, you're not gonna sign his time card, are you?

Mike:
C'mon, you gotta sign my time card!

Dr. Forrester:
Of course I'll sign your time card, young man! In fact, I think you're going to be working for me for a long, long time. Push the button, Frank!

[As Dr. F puts his arm around an uncomfortable Mike, Frank turns to look at the camera, puzzled, as he pushes the button and the screen fades to black.]

Dr. Forrester:
Say, Mike... what size jumpsuit do you wear?

Mike:
Ehh...

[In the operating room...]

Bill's Father:
I should've known he was as good as dead when they wheeled him in.

Servo [as Bill's Father]:
'Cuz he got me as his doctor.

. . .

[An air bag is being filled up and blown out with air to manipulate the dead patient's body functions, including the respiratory system, by stimulating the brain. Breathing can be heard.]

Michael Nelson [as Darth Vader]:
Luke, join me or star in Corvette Summer!

[Bill is going to show Jan his experiment.]

Bill:
You have the keys to your car?

[Cut to them driving.]

Crow:
The answer: yes, she has the keys to her car.

Servo [as announcer]:
The Long, Long Trailer!

[Cortner and Jan are in their speeding car as they pass a couple of road signs. One of them reads "Winding Road."]

Mike:
Hey, that was my prom theme!

Servo [as Cortner]:
Stop sign, what stop sign? "Curve?" What curve?

[We see a shot of an expression of horror on Cortner's face as the car crashes.]

Crow [as Cortner]:
Aughhh! The road is attacking me!

[Cortner has just snatched Jan's head from the wreck and has hidden it in a blanket.]

Servo [as Jan]:
[muffled] D-Don't forget my purse! Honey?

. . .

Servo [as Jan]:
[muffled] You just had to go fast, didn't you? Now look, Mr. Bigshot! Now I don't have a body anymore! Are you happy?

. . .

[Cortner runs through the woods, clutching the head in his arms.]

Mike [as Sports Announcer]:
Riggins is at the 20… He's at the 10… No one will catch him!

Crow:
He's either gonna win the Nobel Prize or the Heisman Trophy.

[Cortner falls to the ground, clutching the head and gazing accusingly at the sky]

Crow [with British accent]:
Oh, thank you, God! Thank you so bloody much!

[In search of a replacement body for Jan's head, Dr. Bill Cortner examines cardboard cutouts of buxom strippers at a club.]

Mike [as Cortner]:
Well, she can't have a cardboard body. I've ruled that out.

Crow [as Cortner]:
[pervertedly] Saaay, this could actually be an upgrade...

Servo [as Cortner]:
Well, it's nice and all, but I want something sleazy.

[Inside the strip club (which looks suspiciously like a greasy spoon), a dancer slithers to a porny saxophone tune.]

Mike:
If Jack Ruby owned a Denny's.

. . .

Servo [as Maître d']:
Welcome to the Diane Arbus Cafe.

[Jan is talking after Cortner has saved her head.]

Crow:
Doesn't she need lungs?

Servo:
No, she's got neck juice!

[Assistant Kurt is whining about his withered and deformed arm to bodiless Jan.]

Crow [as Jan]:
Look. You know they say there's always someone worse off? I'm that person!

[Jan communicates with the monster in the closet.]

Jan:
Do you understand me? Knock once if you can understand me.

Servo:
Knock three times on the ceiling if you want me!

[Cortner cruises through town, eyeing shapely pedestrians, as the soundtrack continues the porny sax music.]

Servo [as Radio DJ]:
[sultrily] It's a sleazy morning out there. You're listening to K-PORN, Holmes and Reems in the morning… sleazy, slutty music all morning long. Here's one from Skinny and the Sweat Beads.

[Cortner attends a "Body Beautiful" beauty "auction".]

Mike [as Announcer]:
Contestant number 3 slipped and her head fell off!

Servo [as Cortner]:
I'LL TAKE HER, I'LL TAKE HER!!

[Cortner emerges from his vehicle, to yet another reprise of the saxophone music.]

Mike [as Radio DJ]:
Stay tuned for the Obscene Phone Call of the Day on... K-PORN!

Servo:
[echoing, hushed] K-PORN!

[The monster, having escaped the closet earlier, bites out a chunk of Cortner's neck and quickly spits it out.]

Servo [as Monster]:
That's one nasty McNugget! Ew!

[Reading the title card]

Servo:
Is this love, or is it just rough sex with Michael Douglas?

[Inside the college dorm room]

Servo:
So... Where's Waldo?

Mike:
He's under the bed.

[We see Liz, an oddly mature woman, brushing her hair before bed.]

Crow:
Geez! How many times was she held back?

Servo:
Heh heh heh.

Liz:
Hi, Peg!

[In the mirror, we see college girl Peg toss her books on her bed.]

Mike [as Peg]:
Hi, Mom.

Peg:
I think I'll send a telegram instead.

Liz:
Don't be silly, Peg! You always talk as if your mother were an… ogre, or something.

Mike [as Liz]:
Well, I've known her for fifty years…

Liz:
Honestly, Peg - I don't know how many times, ever since we were in high school together, I've heard you go on the same way about some man or other.

Peg:
Oh, but this is different, Liz! Really it is!

Mike [as Peg]:
He's anatomically correct, and everything!

Peg:
It's the real thing.

Liz:
I remember when I first felt that way about Andy.

Servo [as Liz]:
...at the turn of the century.

[The short is ending.]

Narrator:
How would you answer this question for Liz and Andrew? Peggy and Joey?

Servo:
Bob and Carol? Ted and Alice?

Narrator:
How can you tell? Is this love?

Crow:
You have ten minutes to answer the question starting now.

[Servo imitates a clock ticking.]

Mike:
And, now stay tuned for the Clarance Thomas-Anita Hill hearing.

Crow:
No animals were hurt during the filming of this movie.

[A list of related film titles scrolls on the screen.]

Servo:
"How Much Affection?"

Crow:
"When Should I Marry?"

[Mike and the bots continue with fake titles.]

Mike:
"Know Your Ointments"

Servo:
"What's That Down There?"

Crow:
"When He Wants It Rough"

Mike:
"Procreation, Not Recreation"

Servo:
"Oh No, Pleasure!"

Crow:
"McClintock!"

[As a girl is strangled]

Crow:
Splendor in the Grass 2: Dream Warrior!

[Reading the opening cards]

Servo:
Cheating: How to make it work for you at home and on the job.

Crow:
A Centron production, although we got the idea from a different company, because we're cheating!

[The short opens over a large clock.]

Servo [as radio announcer]:
The Jack Benny Program!

[The clock strikes ominously.]

Mike:
[deeply] Ebenezer Scrooge...

[A phone rings.]

Crow:
For depressing phone sex, dial 1-900-ALFALFA.

[John picks the phone up, but a ringing sound can still be heard.]

Servo:
Oh, the foley guy must be calling!

Johnny:
Why don't they call?

Crow:
Because they don't like you.

Crow:
Mother Teresa called. She hates you.

Mary:
The problem to is factor x² - 9x + 20. Now how do you do it?

Crow [as John]:
Aw, let's just cheat!

John:
x² - 9x + 20. You take the x² - 9x... [Mary shakes her head]

Servo [as Mary]:
Nobody home, huh?

John:
Oh, you subtract the x from x², and then you...

Mike [as Mary]:
John, this is geography!

Narrator:
And right there in front of you sat your pal Mary, with her head chock full of all the answers you needed.

Crow:
Split it open now!

Narrator:
You thought about it. There you were, desperate, and there was your salvation within arm's reach.

Servo:
On a doily.

Narrator:
So you decided to take a chance.

[Johnny taps Mary on the shoulder.]

Servo [as Johnny]:
[loudly] Pssst! Hey, Mary! What's the answer?

[Miss Grandy is passing back algebra tests, and Mary's signature on hers is seen in an extreme close-up.]

Mike [as Narrator]:
Your one mistake, you signed your test Mary Matthews.

[Miss Grady hands Johnny a sheet of paper - presumably his test.]

Servo [as Miss Grandy]:
This contract arrived for you from a Mr. Elzebub.

Narrator:
Was there a shadow of doubt in Miss Grandy's face as she handed back your paper?

Crow:
Or was it lust?

Narrator:
Somehow, that odd little look Miss Grandy gave you seemed to haunt you.

[As Johnny lies awake in bed, an massive image of Miss Grandy's face appears beside him as he remembers her expression.]

Servo [as Johnny]:
Oh, hi Miss Grandy- EAAAAAAGH! AAAAAAAH! GET AWAY!

Narrator:
And most of all, your new job as student council representative.

[As the narrator says this, we see Johnny standing in front of the council, silently talking about something.]

Crow [as Johnny]:
I envision a cheating wing!

[Miss Grandy notices Mary giving an answer to Johnny]

Servo [as Miss Grandy]:
I smell a big Commie rat.

Miss Grandy:
John, bring it up here, please.

[Mike imitates a buzzer repeatedly going off, Servo imitates a fire alarm going off]

Crow [as loudspeaker]:
PUT YOUR PENCIL DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM YOUR DESK!

[Johnny slowly makes his way to the front of the classroom.]

Servo:
Fortunately, your mob ties will get you off, Johnny!

. . .

Crow:
And so Dana Plato's career begins.

[Student council members raise their hands to vote to expel cheater Johnny from their ranks]

Mike, Crow, Servo:
Give us Barabbas! Barabbas!

Narrator:
But did John truly intend to be dishonest?

Servo:
Or was he just pure evil?

[A question mark appears on-screen.]

Crow [as the Riddler]:
Riddle me this, Batman! [cackles]

[Over the "The End" card]

Mike:
The end... for Johnny at least, you poor dope!

[The film opens with a movie logo for Medallion TV.]

Mike:
Hey, I have my 40-year TV medallion.

Servo:
[singing] What do you do when you're branded?

Crow:
[singing] You watch TV.

[The first scene after the credits is a night shot of a narrow city street lined with apartment buildings.]

Servo:
I'm as mad as hell!...

[The camera pans down to rest on the rears of three dancing women in tight pants.]

Mike:
Holy cow! That's 40 pounds of butt in 30-pound-butt-capacity pants!

Crow:
They just put a bunch of movies in a blender and pressed the 'Mix' button!

[Camera pans up to an imprisioned brunette with a typical 1960's flip hairdo]

Mike:
Oh, Donald.

[As the professor dances, Batwoman secretly frees a prisoned girl.]

Crow:
Well, we've discovered Batwoman's secret power: She can open unlocked doors!

Servo:
So this is "The Wild Wild World of Batwoman", eh?

[A puff of smoke goes off in the lab as someone wakes up.]

Mike:
Whahappa?

Servo [as TV announcer]:
Yes, it's the best hits of the 50s and 60s on 8-track and cassettes!

[The background music continues to go on as two people continue to dance.]

Mike, Crow, Servo:
[in a dull voice] Tequila.

Crow:
Those two were once cute, tiny, lovable babies.

[A man sits at his desk and talks to his secretary.]

Man:
Miss Benson, I'm going to the commissary for a quick bite of lunch, ring through to me if that Simpson call comes in.

Mike:
Simpson, eh?

[The plot inexplicably switches to something about underground monsters, using footage from The Mole People.]

Crow:
[confused] Wha- that's The Mole People! These movies have crashed!

Mike:
You got your Mole People in my Batwoman!

Servo:
You got your Batwoman in my Mole People!

Crow:
You know a movie is bad bad bad if it makes the Monkees look good!

[The cast chases each other round and round a table while ludicrous hootenanny music plays.]

Mike:
Maybe they'll all turn into butter.

Crow:
So, Mike. This is Hell.

Mike:
Yep.

Crow:
Mike, I demand that you kill me.

Servo:
Me too.

Mike:
No. [a beat] Will you kill me?

[A rail-thin beatnik waiter attends to a table at a restaurant. The waiter has a very distinct hairstyle and moustache.]

Crow:
Hey! Hitler! We want to order over here!

[The villain has just been unmasked, but due to the badness of the film, the audience already knows the villain's identity]"

Servo:
Please do not reveal the secret to The Wild, Wild World of Batwoman.

[The plot has been resolved and nothing important is happening, but the end credits are nowhere in sight.]

Servo:
[screaming] ENDDDD! EEEEENNNNDDDDDD!!!

[And now, at last, the film ends.]

Mike:
[defeated and unimpressed] What a wild wild world!

Crow:
Please stay away from sharp instruments for three weeks after viewing this film and do not operate heavy equipment, thank you!

[Crow wears a sergeant's hat while a blindfolded Mike disassembles Tom Servo.]

Crow:
Hello, maggots! Welcome to boot camp here at Fort Satellite of Love! Today, we are going to do a field strip of one Mr. Tom Servo! I'm drill sergeant Crow T. Robot, or Sir to you toilet-water guzzlin' little mama's boys! You got that, son?

Mike:
[weakly] Sir, yes sir.

Crow:
I didn't hear you, ladybritches!

Mike:
I said sir, yes sir!

Servo:
[in pieces on the table] Can we just get on with this, Crow? I wanna watch Sisters!

Crow:
You're not goin' nowhere, you wussy red cupcake! You gonna run home to your mama, huh?

Servo:
[sarcastically] Ooh, ooh, I'm scared...

Mike:
Hey Crow, c'mon...

Crow:
I'm the drill sergeant here, you toe-headed, contact lens-wearin' piece of toast! Now gimme the oath!

Mike:
Uh, This is my robot, there are many like it but this one is mine.

Crow:
And what is the name of your robot, boy?

Servo:
Servo! Tom Servo!

Crow:
I don't believe I was addressing you, Mayonnaise! Why don't you just make yourself comfortable down there on the floor and give me twenty, Corporal?

Servo:
Uh, 'cause I can't?

Crow:
Well, now, you just bought yourself two hundred and twenty! Now c'mon, dickweed!

Mike:
Uh, we'll be right back.

Crow:
I heard that, Pyle! You piece of filth!

Servo:
Well, several pieces, actually...

[Robbie tells Wanda (played by squeaky-voiced Kathy Ireland) he doesn't want to see her anymore.]

Wanda:
I thought you really liked me. You said I was special, so naturally I wanna know why!

Servo [as Robbie]:
It's your helium addiction.

. . .

Wanda:
Why'd you even go out with me in the first place if I'm such a geek?!

Mike [as Robbie]:
'Cause I'm turned on by squeeze toys.

[a plain sign with a very crude drawing of a hamburger and the word "BURGERS" is seen in the background]

Mike:
That sign is really seducing me into buying a burger!

[A scene of a Mediterranean style city is shown, with a domed building in the background]

Crow:
Hey it's the Blue Mosque!

Servo:
No, the Blue Mosque isn't on a hill.

Crow:
Have you been to Istanbul?

Servo:
THIS ISN'T EVEN ISTANBUL!

[After a restless sleep, Wanda awakes with a start, her glasses askew over her nose.]

Mike [as Wanda]:
Ah! Swimsuit issue!

Crow [as Wanda]:
This whole room smells like my eyes!

[Wanda hears some rocks falling in the cavern]

Wanda:
Dad?

Mike:
Look, your dad's not responsible for everything that happens in the world!

Crow [as Kathy Ireland]:
This door sounds brown!

[As a man in a little car rides wildly past in the foreground...]

Crow:
Whoa-oa-oa! Don't ride the Wild Mouse, it's not saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaafe!!!

[Wanda begins to explain about what happened to her father, but Charmin suddenly stops her.]

Charmin:
Wait a minute...is that really your voice?

Servo:
[irritated] Oh, jeez, I'd slap this movie if I could!

[The National Guard retreat from the attacking grasshoppers.]

Crow [as soldier]:
One weekend a month my ass!

[The military downs one giant grasshopper, but the others close in.]

Crow [as Grasshopper]:
They got Jiminy! Get em!

. . .

Mike [as general]:
We have got to get organized! We should not be losing to grasshoppers, people!

[The heroes are observing a captured grasshopper when the general walks in.]

Crow [as general]:
I just came to see what you did with the grant money...Oh my God!

. . .

[As the grasshopper breaks free, Peter Graves's character picks up a gun and begins firing wildly at it.]

Crow:
Pete! Pete! Short, controlled bursts!

[Shot of the Chicago skyline as a droning sound plays continuously.]

Servo:
When Brian Eno ruled Chicago.

[Over yet another shot of the lush rolling countryside with mountains in the distance]

Mike:
Guys, this is so not Illinois.

[After the film fades out on a man being grabbed and carried off by a gang, it fades back in on a photograph of the same man.]

Tom Servo:
[gasps] They flattened him!

[The "gang" enters a diner one by one.]

Mike, Servo and Crow [as everyone in the diner]:
Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm!

[Jamie and a group of students race for a car to get to the City Council.]

Mike [as Announcer]:
Pete, Linc, Julie, and... Steve?

. . .

Servo [as Walter Winchell]:
Elliot Ness and his Untouchables were in hot pursuit!

[Jamie and his friends try to speak to the City Council]

Angry City Councilman:
We're just wasting time here and we've wasted too much time already!

Servo [as Councilman]:
Kill 'em all!

[At the end of the film, a question mark appears and moves towards the screen.]

Servo:
It's Prince's new name, isn't it?

Crow:
No, it's Frank Gorshin's new name!

[As the girl in the opening scene is being lowered inside a machine, Mike and the Bots realize something about her.]'

Mike:
Hey, wait a minute!

Crow:
She's nude!

Servo:
Lady...

[Otto Frank steps out of the device after showing Mrs. March that the girl's body has been reanimated]

Crow:
She's SORT-OF ALIVE!

[Anita Gonzales, having her mind replaced with a cat, is chased onto the roof and ends up clinging to the side. Despite an attempt to rescue her, she slips and...]

Servo:
[giggling] And she floats gently to her death!

[Wicked dowager Hetty March lifts herself out of the wheelchair.]

Crow [as Hetty/Dr. Strangelove]:
Mein Fuehrer! I can walk!

[Three-quarters of the way through the movie, which has consisted almost entirely of the characters just wandering around the house and talking...]

Servo:
So, Mike, where's the atomic brain?

Mike:
I don't know...

[Over the title screen]:

Crow:
[excited] With Jane Russell? Oh please oh please oh please oh please...

Mike:
No, don't get your hopes up.

[Ten seconds into the opening credits...]

Crow:
I hate this movie already.

[Cabot's ring begins to flash.]

Crow:
It's Commissioner Gordon calling!

Watney:
You know how to party, don't'cha, Cabot?

Mike [as Watney]:
You just put your lips together and drink!

[Cabot's car begins shaking wildly as it enters the unseen portal to Gor. Watney hangs on to the dashboard in fear.]

Mike:
Any chance Barney Rubble there could go through the windshield?

[The scene suddenly cuts to the deserts of Koruba, without any sort of transition explaining how Cabot and Watney got there.]

Crow:
Sorry, folks, we simply could not afford to have special effects!

Watney:
Listen, Cabot, what the hell are you talking about? Where are we? What's going on here, Cabot?

Crow [as Cabot]:
Ssh! I'm acting!

Cabot:
I must go to Koruba!

Watney:
What?

Cabot:
Koruba.

[Cabot walks away, and starts ignoring Watney]

Watney:
The same to you! Cabot, listen. Listen to me! Cabot, what's going on here? What happened last night? Did I do something wrong? Damnit, Cabot.

Mike, Crow & Servo:
[chanting] Kill him... kill him... kill him... kill him...

Watney:
Cabot, will you listen to me? I wanna go home right now, Cabot. Where are you going? No, no, wait there, Cabot! Tell me what the hell's going on, here. Is this one of your crazy science experiments, huh?

Mike:
[whispers] Cabot, no-one would see if you killed him right now!

Crow:
They'd probably give you a free drink at the Pullman.

Guard:
Who are you?

Cabot:
My name is Cabot.

Guard:
Cabot?

[Numerous Korubian peasants turn around in excitement at the mention of Cabot's name.]

Peasant #1:
Cabot!

Peasant #2:
Cabot!

Peasant #3:
Cabot!

Peasant #4:
Cabot!

Peasant #5:
Cabot!

Mike:
Nope, doesn't ring a bell, sorry.

[on the possibility of confronting a large group of armed slavers]

Cabot:
Listen. As long as I have some blood left in my veins, I will always fight slavery and oppression!

Mike [as Cabot]:
Uh, starting tomorrow.

[The slaves are taken to a small trading village where they are to be sold.]

Servo:
Check it out, it's one of them Jack Nicklaus golf communities!

Mike:
[to Servo] ...Are you old? How do you know about that?

[Jack Palance's character is engaged in a lengthy plot recap with the evil Queen Lara]

Queen Lara:
What are you talking about?

Mike [as Jack Palance]:
[resignedly] I really don't know.

[Cabot explains his love for Talena to a slave girl]

Cabot:
She feels for me and I feel for her, and we're free to express it.

Crow [as Cabot]:
Nekkid.

[Mike and the bots read excerpts from Jack Palance's fictional autobiography about the making of "Outlaw"]

Crow:
Let's see, uh... [doing a Jack Palance impression] "Day One: missed call. Partied all night with that platinum midget fellow and Urbano. Still having trouble seeing straight."

Mike:
Okay... [takes book and does own Jack Palance impression] "Day Three: missed call. Wandered into shot yesterday and they decided to keep it." [referring to his character's recurring phrase] "What the heck does 'Avante, avante' mean?"

Servo:
[takes book, does Palance] "Day Five: missed call. After four days of shooting, finally got script today and guess what? I'm not playing Thomas Aquinas. I'm supposed to be some kind of freakin' wizard."

Crow:
[book; Palance] "Day Eight: missed call. Just can't get cancelled series 'Brunk' off my mind. Why? Whyyyy? Can't keep anything down. Not sleeping."

Mike:
"Day Nine: missed call. Went to the village with Gina. My voice scares little Italian kids. Spent entire per diem on bunch of crap."

Servo:
"Day Ten: missed call. I think I-" [startled, reverts back to normal voice] "I think I killed a man today. More later?"

[all shudder]

[During the end credits]

Servo:
Ah, well.

Crow:
Have you seen the outtakes for this film?

Mike:
No, did they show 'em on Bloopers and Practical Jokes?

Servo:
No, uh, Faces of Death, actually. [They all laugh.] Sounds like Miami Vice. Say, was this movie ever released in the theaters, you think?

Mike:
No, I don't think so, but it's a good bet it was on the USA network.

Servo:
Oh! The USA- [imitates the fanfare the network used in the early '90s] I really like those original movies they made especially for the USA network. [imitates the fanfare again]

Mike:
Yeah, I know, they're great, and they all seem to have titles like, uh, Malibu Death Breast. [They laugh]

Crow:
Yeah, that or- [As a TV announcer] "Jeff Conaway and Shari Belafonte-Harper play a deadly game of cat and mouse in Murder Most Moist."

Servo:
Oh, hey! Hey, hey, let me play, I've got one. [As a TV announcer] "Judy Landers is on the trail of a devious killer in Peekaboo Lace, P.I."

Crow:
That's pretty good. Oh, wait, how bout [Announcer] "Jeff Conaway is a vigilante who stalks by night in Dark Underpants"?

Mike:
How about this one? [Announcer] "Lindsay Wagner is a sexy speech therapist held hostage in Tongue Lashing!"

Crow:
I like it!

Servo:
Hold it, hold it, hold it! I got it, I got it. How about "Jeff Conaway is up to his mouth in murder in French Pistol. CATCH IT!" [as they laugh] This is fun! Yeah.

Mike:
Okay, here. Try and top this one. "Jeff Conaway is a college professor whose secret life catches up with him in Death Spank!"

Servo:
Ooh, good one, "Death Spank"!

Crow:
I've got a good one. How about "Chris Lemmon and Heather Locklear form a crime fighting unit in The Lingerie Justice Files"?

Servo:
Ah, that's great. Wait, wait, I've got another. "Jeff Conaway and Morgan Fairchild are The Crotchless Killers."

Crow:
I like it, I like it! It's got verve, it's got- Oh, how about "Hard Buckner weaves a web of suspicion between Richard Chamberlain and Ben Vereen in Tap Pant Desire"?

Servo:
Nice use of Ben Vereen.

Mike:
I like the way you think. Try this one on. "William Devane tracks a killer on a tropical paradise in The Hawaii Edible Underwear Murders!"

Servo:
Mike, I love you for that one! Okay, get this. "Lisa Hartman is a streetwise cop who tracks a killer in Cheek Beats."

Crow:
You know, Servo, I'd marry you for that, but- Oh, I have one. This one's great. "Jeff Conaway is a crazed cult leader in The Waco Panty Raid."

Mike:
Um, uh, "Eric Roberts is a freaked out artist who gets more than he bargained for in Naked Came The Nude!"

Servo:
"Peter Deluise and Tommy Tune are Cod Police."

Mike:
[as they exit the theater] That was good.

[Title of short appears]

Servo:
Your last clear chance... for fantastic savings!

[As woman walks away from car]

Crow:
Forty percent of car accidents are caused by... women's hinders!

[A car approaches a railroad crossing sign at night, adorned with the typical "RR" symbol.]

Servo:
[growling] Rrrrr.

. . .

Patrolman:
If you haven't seen the signs...

Mike:
Boy, you haven't lived.

Patrolman:
...then this train might come as a surprise to you.

Servo:
The Sooooooooooooul Train!

Crow [as Don Cornelius]:
Thank you very much, Clarissa...

Crow:
[As patrolman] I'd tuck you in, but you're dead.

Patrolman:
Every day, these are your signs of life, whose purpose is to keep you alive.

Crow:
Even though you don't deserve it.

Patrolman:
They figure rules are for the other guy, not for good drivers like themselves.

Servo [as patrolman]:
They're communists!

Patrolman:
Whenever there's a haphazard on the road, there's usually a sign that tells you about it. Like a 'curve warning'. Or a 'right of way' sign. 'Narrow bridge'. 'Signals ahead'. 'Do not enter'. 'No passing', and many others.

Crow:
'All nude girls!'

Servo:
'Whites only'.

[Close-up of woman driving, having difficulty with a map]

Patrolman:
Here's another problem on the roads that we officers face all too often...

Mike:
Women drivers! [everyone chuckles condecsendingly]

Patrolman:
...the entering car that fails to yield the right of way. [An ominous black car skids into the street, nearly hitting a car that's forced to move into another lane]

Crow:
The paid assassin cruising through town!

Patrolman:
And yet, many people who have lived through a crossing accident will say--

Servo:
AAAAAH!

[Mike and Crow look at Servo strangely.]

Servo:
That's what they say.

[Frank arrives at the farm and sees Patrolman Hal]

Frank:
[Jokingly] I give up, officer! What's the charge?

Crow [as patrolman]:
Ha, ha! MANSLAUGHTER.

Crow:
I have a feeling one of these characters is about to see their own intestines!

Engineer:
Why don't they look, Ralph? Tell me, why don't they look?

Tom [as Ralph]:
You're deep, Ernie.

Patrolman:
So, if the next car I stop happens to be yours...

Mike [as patrolman]:
Save a place for me at your dinner table!

Patrolman:
...DON'T tell me that you were speeding a little, only BREAKING the law a little...

Tom:
...uh-oh...

Patrolman:
...only doing something a little bit wrong, save THAT for somebody else, brother!

Crow:
OH, MY GOD, HE'S SNAPPED!

Patrolman:
Because I've seen too many "litte bit" follies...

Tom:
He's a bad cop on the loose!

Patrolman:
...and they end up a little bit DEAD!

Mike:
Now I'm gonna grab me a little bit of lunch!

[As title of movie appears on screen]

Crow:
Gary Burghoff goes undercover!

Mike:
That would explain his career for the last 10 years.

[A caroling on the SOL has broken into a riot.]

Magic Voice:
We'll be right back... I think. Noel!

[On the SOL, the gang is having a gift exchange.]

Gypsy:
Open mine, Mike! Open mine!

Mike:
Oh, the big one! Okay. [He opens a box] Oh, wow! Great sweater, Gyps. Thanks! [He holds it up] Look at that, it says "Joike" on it.

Gypsy:
Yeah, well, I started knitting it for the other guy a long time ago, and then, and then, well, you know.

[At Santa's Toyland, boys and girls from all over the world sing as Santa plays his organ.]

Servo [as Santa]:
[singing] Ho, ho, ho, ho, staying alive, staying alive...

. . .

[Over Spain]

Mike, Crow, Servo:
[singing along] I love him, I love him, and where he goes, I'll follow...

. . .

[Over China]

Servo:
[singing] We are forced to sing...

Crow:
Hey, could we move on to a country with some rhythm?

. . .

Narrator:
Boys and girls from England.

Crow:
...have rotten teeth.

Servo [as Santa]:
Feel it! Get down with your bad Santa self!

. . .

Narrator:
Japan also helps Santa.

Mike [as Narrator]:
By investing in his toy corporation, they now own Santa lock, stock, and barrel.

. . .

Narrator:
Talented children from the Orient.

Crow:
...are not here today.

Mike:
Um, uh, you're dancing on my keyboard.

Servo [as Santa]:
[singing] Get it on in the morning now!

. . .

Narrator:
Even Russia has a delegation.

Crow:
Currently under surveillance by the CIA.

Mike [as Narrator]:
Santa makes them work 16 hours a day for $2 an hour.

. . .

Narrator:
The group from France.

Servo:
...stinks to high heaven!

. . .

[Over Germany]

Crow [as General Burkhalter]:
Klink, you are a terrible singer!

Mike [as Col. Klink]:
You're absolutely right! I am a terrible singer!

Crow [as General Burkhalter]:
How would you like to sing at the Russian front?

Mike [as Col. Klink]:
Well, my father was a very famous conductor...

Crow [as General Burkhalter]:
Shut up!

Mike:
I just wanna know one thing: When are Donny and Marie coming through the door?

. . .

Narrator:
Here's a happy song from Italy.

Servo:
[sings random Italian gibberish]

Crow:
So is this neorealism?

Servo [as Don Corleone]:
Okay, we're gonna whack Santa. He's trying to muscle in on the Easter Bunny's turf.

Mike:
Okay, great. You've offended everyone now.

. . .

Narrator:
The islands of the Caribbean.

Mike:
...have nothing to do with this movie.

Servo [as a Jamaican]:
Legalize it, mon!

Mike:
[singing] Get up, stand up, stand up for your rights...

Servo [as Ed McMahon]:
Next up in the junior vocalist category: Thailand!

. . .

Narrator:
The South American group includes Brazil and Argentina.

Mike:
And a few other countries not worth mentioning right now.

Crow:
Ho! Santa's doing the forbidden dance!

. . .

Narrator:
The countries of Central America.

Mike:
...are a threat to Santa's vital security interests.

Servo:
Hey, those are the same kids from the other countries! They'll be playing the Egyptians next.

. . .

Crow:
Hooray!

Mike:
Yay! USA! Woo!

Narrator:
The children of the USA.

Crow:
...are too spoiled and lazy to help Santa. There, that makes it better.

. . .

Narrator:
A neighborly group of children from Mexico.

Crow:
...are over-accessorized.

[The devil is encouraging a girl to steal].

Narrator:
Don't listen to him, Lupita! It's bad to steal, and you'll be sorry!

Crow:
Ah, the classic battle between evil and the narrator.

Narrator:
That's right, Lupita, put it back.

[The girl puts the doll back and goes to her smiling mother].

Crow [as mother]:
Way to defeat Satan, honey.

Pitch:
[muttering angrily to himself] Curses! Wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-Curses!

Mike:
[bewildered] Oh, don't ever do that again.

[Santa's observatory is filled with magical equipment enabling him to spy on all the children of Earth.]

Mike:
[cheerfully] Santa's tendrils reach far and wide. There is no hiding from the K.L.A.U.S. Organization.

[Santa eavesdrops on the bad children.]

Second boy:
[over radio] Anyway, Santa doesn't care about us. He's too far away.

Servo [as Santa Claus]:
They're on to me! Into the escape pod!

[noting the Italian-looking names in the credits]

Crow:
This is a fascist Santa!

Mike:
Yeah, at the end, Santa gets hung upside down.

Tom:
Well, at least he made the sleigh rides run on time.

[In "Hades," a number of devils cavort in a poorly-choreographed fashion]

Mike:
Oh, I suppose Hell got an NEA grant!

[During a dream sequence of opening boxes with people inside]

Mike [as announcer]:
It's your new mom! [Crow imitates audience roaring]

[A girl is dreaming of performing in front of a row of identical boxes.]

Mike:
Pick your refrigerator, Lupita!

[Several children are writing.]

Crow [as children]:
Call me Ishmael... I was born in a house my father built... The minute Yossarian...

. . .

Crow:
[sings] I've written a letter to Daddy...

[Two young boys stand at a mailbox, mailing their letters to Santa Claus.]

Mike [as boy]:
I'm tellin' ya, Pepe, these Comedy Central contests are a waste of time!

[Letters to Santa arrive at the North Pole.]

Crow [as Santa]:
Ho ho ho! There's a dollar in every one! My chain letter scam worked!

Pedro:
What kind of food do they eat on earth, Santa?

Santa Claus:
Oh, everything in sight! They eat most of the animals, the birds, the plants, the roots, the fish, even smoke and alcohol!

Servo [as Santa Claus]:
And they eat at Hardee's!

[Santa winds his reindeer (which are all apparently wind up toys) and they begin to move.]

Servo:
This isn't charming at all! It's creepy!

[Santa begins to laugh as he watches the reindeer]

Crow:
Oh, when Santa laughs, the whole world shakes its head.

[The reindeer begins to laugh in a very unnatural way]

Servo, Mike, and Crow:
He, he haha, hahaha, [laughing turns into terrified screams] AHHHHH! AAHHHHHH!!!

[Santa is still laughing]

Mike:
[scared] What's happening?!

[Scene cuts to a shot of the wall behind the sleigh and there is a pentagram-like symbol on the wall.]

Servo:
A pentagram, and reindeer laughing... you figure it out.

[A young "African" helper jumps off a sleigh.]

Servo [as African Child]:
[grumbling] Bone in my hair... I'm from Detroit!

Narrator:
[as Santa's sleigh is flying in the sky] I wonder where Santa will go first? Europe? Africa? America?

Servo:
Circle Pines?

[Santa Claus makes his way home after delivering his presents.]

Mike [as Santa]:
Ho! Ho! H... wait, I forgot France. [pause] ...Oh, well! Ho! Ho! Ho!

[The camera is zoomed in on a telephone ringing.]

Mike [as an answering machine]:
This is Jim Rockford, leave a message and I'll get back to ya.

Crow:
Jimmy, it's Angel, I'm in real bad trouble!

Servo:
[starts performing The Rockford Files theme]

[The credits show "Based on The Food of the Gods by H. G. Wells".]

Crow:
"Based on"? Yeah, in that they're both in English!

Mike:
It could be based on Profiles in Courage!

Servo:
Oh, by Theodore Sorensen?

[Genius pours beaker contents, resulting in an explosion of red goop which splatters on his face.]

Servo:
He blew his hand off!

Crow [as Magnus Pyke]:
I blinded me with science!

[Over a seemingly endless sequence of the giant bikini-clad teens dancing in slow-motion]

Crow:
You know, I'm starting to suspect this might be padding.

Servo:
Oh, no, no...

Mike:
No, that's real.

[Genius (played by a young Ron Howard) proudly shows off the mixture he's working on, then returns to the basement to perfect it.]

Mike:
I hope that blows up in his face so I don't have to see Willow.

Crow:
Hey, I liked Willow!

[Genius mixes various chemicals, trying to create more "goo".]

Mike:
Look at him, the little kid, plotting against us with Willow.

Crow:
[indignantly] I liked Willow!

Mike:
Kevin Pollak? You liked that?

[A tarantula that's been exposed to the "goo" grows to a humongous size; it growls as it corners the film's stars.]

Crow:
Spiders don't growl, even that big.

Mike:
I guess you can't really prove that when they're that big, they don't growl.

Crow:
[defensively] I liked Willow.

Mike:
Hey, y'know, Ron must've gotten directing tips from Bert I.

Servo:
That's why he made Willow.

Crow:
Hey, I liked Willow!

[The teens try to lasso the legs of the giant teens' leader, in a very poor special effect involving large mannequin legs.]

Crow:
Oh, come on! The effects in Willow were better than this!

Mike:
Hey, you liked Willow!

Crow:
I- huh?

Woman:
[singing] I dreamed last night, the moon was so bright...

Mike:
Aw, y'know, I hate it when people tell me about their dreams.

[As the Mystery Man first appears...]

Servo:
And Tommy Tune arrives!

[As the Dancing Woman arrives at Motorama...]

Mike:
Right in the middle of the Steinman-Hopsburg wedding reception!

Crow:
You know, I had a near-death experience like this.

Woman:
I want a Corvette!

Mike [as Mystery Man]:
[singing] I don't give a tin sh...!

Mystery Man:
I thought you would!

Crow [as Mystery Man]:
That's why I entered your head!

Woman:
[singing] I want a Pontiac, too!

Mike:
Man, she's a high-maintanence date!

Mystery Man:
[singing] This Buick's a beaut!

Woman:
[singing] I'll Try it!

Crow:
She's going to roll it!

[Mike and Tom Servo gasp]

Servo:
Uh, Security to the showroom floor, please.

[In her dream, the woman emerges from behind a pillar, prancing in a sporty blouse and short skirt, waving a tennis racket.]

Crow:
Aaah! It's a salute to Mr. B Natural!

Servo:
Oh, no, no, no!

[She dances back to the pillar, then emerges in tartan trousers, energetically twirling a golf club.]

Mike:
This would be the "up" part of her manic mood swings, I'm guessing.

Crow:
Oh-ho-ho...

Servo:
Man, it is gonna take her forever to write this dream down.

[She goes behind the pillar again and emerges this time in a pink bathing suit and straw sun hat.]

. . .

Mike:
I wonder what Freud would make of that sun hat!

Crow:
Well, sometimes a sun hat is just a sun hat.

[The woman removes a birthday cake from a futuristic oven.]

Woman:
My cake is ready.

Mike:
I call no way!

Servo:
Uh-uh. Candles and everything...

Crow:
Happy Birthday, Wanda June.

. . .

Crow:
Y'know, just because it's futuristic doesn't mean it's practical!

[Now in a gown, the woman is lifted to a stage before a crowd below.]

Narrator [as Announcer]:
And now, a glamorous dancer and a special number: "Dance of Tomorrow"!

Crow [as Announcer]:
Chorus Line 2: The Wrath of Chaka Khan!

. . .

Woman:
Everyone says the future is strange, but I have a feeling some things won't change.

[The crowd claps along, but to a slower beat.]

Servo, Crow [as Crowd]:
Give us Cyd Charisse!

Crow:
While she's dancing, the Japanese are making great cars.

Servo [as Announcer]:
Cindy Williams is Twyla Tharp as Isadora Duncan in The Meredith Monk Story: A One-Woman Show!

Mike [as Announcer]:
Co-starring Tom Bosley.

Crow [as Announcer]:
As Bosley.

[The narrator introduces fashion models posing next to the Dream Cars Of Tomorrow. Each car is shown between shots of fireworks.]

Servo [as Announcer]:
With Jackie Gleason, Audrey Meadows...

Crow:
Bonnie and Clyde's death car!

. . .

Servo [as Announcer]:
With Art Carney and Joyce Randolph...

Crow:
Fonzie's death car.

Mike [as Fonzie]:
Ay.

. . .

Mike [as Narrator]:
Pregnant woman and schnauzer optional.

Crow:
Entire production supervised by Jackie Gleason.

. . .

Servo:
The "Closed Three Plants" car.

Mike:
Executive producer, Jack Philbin.

Crow:
The Schick electric razor car!

. . .

Narrator:
Costume by Emilio of Capri!

Mike [as Narrator]:
Unfettered avarice by Madison Avenue!

Servo [as Announcer]:
...in The Honeymooners!

[A broad-grilled car is shown next.]

Crow [as the cars "expression"]:
GRRR! RRRRrrrR!

. . .

Mike [as Narrator]:
Clown suit by Bargain Clown of Hollywood.

[The Dancing Woman and the Mystery Man drive away on the Highway of Tomorrow. Throughout the ride, the gang makes noises like "The Jetsons".]

Mike [as Mystery Man]:
Look. Dead raccoon of tomorrow.

[The music becomes very etherial and dreamlike.]

Woman:
[singing] Tomorrow... tomorrow...

Servo:
[singing, a la Elmer Fudd] With my sword and magic helmet...

. . .

Mike [as Mystery Man]:
That's where President Barbi Benton lives with Prime Minister Jim J. Bullock.

. . .

Crow:
Automatic freeway. You build it.

. . .

Mike:
Someone invent rock and roll, please!

. . .

Servo:
Future may not be available as seen. Personal fates may vary. Future not available in Africa, India, or Central South America.

. . .

Crow:
Ah, there's probably some giant kid standing off, holding a control.

[As the short ends, the Dancing Woman and the Mystery Man ride off together. The road they're on appears to be a dead end.]

Mike:
Look out! The bridge to the future's out!

[They all gasp and make explosions as the end card appears.]

[The film starts over the Columbia Pictures logo.]

Servo [as Jerry Lewis]:
Lady!

Crow [as Jerry Lewis]:
Hey, lady!

Mike [as Jerry Lewis]:
Hey, down here, lady!

Servo [as Jerry Lewis]:
Love this lady.

Mike:
She's in everything.

[Over the opening title]

Mike:
Doughnuts?

Servo:
No, no, no.

Crow [as Jackie Gleason]:
Oh, you're goin' to the moon, all right!

[The film's opening credits gradually plaster a dozen names on the screen.]

Mike:
Wow, I think I'm in this!

[The elderly Secretary General of the International Space Order addresses the world by radio/telecast.]

Secretary General:
At this moment...

Crow [as Secretary General]:
I may die!

Secretary General:
... over two billion people...

Servo [as Secretary General]:
... have been served.

Secretary General:
… in every part of the world, are focusing their attention on this program.

Mike [as Secretary General]:
... and my rump.

Secretary General:
Every nation of the Earth, in a magnificent effort, is contributing of its people and resources, in an attempt to reach the Moon, and proclaim it...

Servo [as Secretary General]:
... dolphin-safe!

Secretary General:
... international territory.

Crow [as Secretary General]:
... and House of Pancakes.

. . .

Secretary General:
God be with you.

Servo:
And also with you.

[Our heroes have landed safely on the Moon.]

Dr. Hamid:
Allah be praised!

Dr. Orlov:
Praise the ship, not Allah.

Servo [as Hamid]:
I'll praise whoever I want, white boy.