Only Fools and Horses, Series 5 (1986)

Rodney:
: There's a Rhi... Loose in... As in rhinoceros??

Del:
That's right. "There's a Rhino Loose in the City"!

Albert:
What's it about, Del?

Del:
Well, it's about this rhinoceros, right, escapes from a zoo and it heads straight for London. And after two or three days, they find like all these dead bodies lying about and no-one knows who's done it. So, they get hold of this private detective, you know, like a sort of Charlton Heston type geezer to try and solve the crime. Now the zoo keeper happens to be a very attractive woman, so before you know where you are, old Charlton is giving the sort what for, so that's your romantic interest!

Rodney (still slightly stunned) A rhinoceros?

Del:
Yeah! But they don't know it's missing.

Rodney:
But... how can you not know? If you've got a rhinoceros, right and one day it ain't there - you tend to know it's missing.

Del:
Don't be a plonker all your life Rodney! She ain't got just the one rhinoceros, she probably had two or three rhinoceroses.

Albert:
And how's it escape?

Rodney:
Oh, squeezes through the bars, most probably.

Del:
Now don't you start getting saucy with me, Rodney. I'm only trying to help you.

Rodney:
I don't believe this! Nobody knows it's escaped? What about the eight million people living in London? Don't none of them spot it?

Del:
Yes! But the ones who spot it - they're the ones who get trampled to death!

Rodney:
And what about all the others? The people in offices, the people in caffs, the people sitting on the tops of buses? It's a rhino, Del!

Del:
He only comes out at night!

Albert:
What is it, a vampire rhino?

Del:
No, it is not a vampire rhino. That is stupid that is, innit, eh?

Albert:
And where does he live during the day?

Del:
Er... in a lock-up garage in a back street!

Rodney:
What, he's leasing it, is he?

Del:
No, he is not leasing it. It's a disused garage in a back street where no one ever goes! But... the detective does find it, only it's at night!

Albert:
And the rhino's gone out?

Del:
That's right, see, so you see the old detective is nowhere near solving the mystery. You see what it is Rodney, it is not only a love story! It's a whodunnit!

Rodney:
An whodunnit? What do you mean an whodunnit?! We know who done it! The rhino done it!

Del:
Yes, I know that, we - we the audience know that, but they don't know - the actors, do they?

Rodney:
Oh, this is something else! A rhinoceros has escaped from a zoo, there are 300 dead bodies covered in rhinoceros footprints, there's a lock-up garage two and a half foot deep in rhinoceros crap, and Charlton Heston suspects the butler!

Del:
...Well, I do admit there are one or two teething snags. But it's got all the essential qualities of a hit hasn't it. I mean, it's got suspense, lots of killings and a bit of humpty dumpty! I mean, look, this is a disaster movie!

Rodney:
Disaster? It's a calamity Del!

Albert:
Why is he killing people?

Del:
Well, what do you want him to be, a social worker!? Well, he's a man-eater, ain't he?

Rodney:
No, no, rhinoceroses aren't carnivorous. They're vegetarians!

Del:
Alright, so we elbow the lock-up garage and we make him hide in the back of an health food shop!

Rodney:
And he won't head for the city neither.

Albert:
But he's gotta head for the city so that he can kill lots of people!

Del:
Yeah that's right!

Rodney:
No, his natural habitat would be the open country.

Del:
Alright, so what are you suggesting? We call the film "There's A Rhino Loose Somewhere Out in the Sticks Where No Sod Lives!"??