Only Fools and Horses, Series 5 (1986)

Albert:
Good evening to you all.

Del:
He's right and all. She might be sitting in there with a belly full of people!

Del:
(seeing Rodney "playing" with Duke) Oi, Rodney! Take your leg out of that dog's mouth, will you?

Boycie:
It's amazing, innit? Everything you buy off him is either broken or has got something missing.

Marlene:
We could say it's a throwback.

Boycie:
I might be able to con people into buying my cars, I might be able to convince them that you conceived and gave birth in seven days, but how the hell am I going to persuade them my grandad was Louis Armstrong?!?

Father O'Keith:
So to what do I owe this honour?

Del:
I have come to confess my sins.

Father O'Keith:
Del, please! I've been invited out to dinner this evening.

Father O'Keith:
Have you ever been to this church before?

Del:
Of course I have... when my mum and dad got married.

Checkout Girl:
(surly) £29.48.

Del:
Sorry?

Checkout Girl:
(even surlier, with a look of contempt) £29.48.

Del:
Did you sue them?

Checkout Girl:
Who?

Del:
The Charm School!

Lennox Gilbey:
You ever heard of the Scarlett Pimpernel?

Rodney:
That weren't you, was it?

Lennox Gilbey:
No, but I'm like him. They seek him here, they see him there. Those policemen seek him everywhere. Is he in heaven or is he in hell? That damn illusive Sha-a-dow.

Del:
(to Lennox) An hour ago, you were the man of mystery. Now we know your name, your address and your mum's shoe size.

Del:
Rodney, what do you think you're playing at?

Albert:
Come back and sit down, son!

Mr. Peterson (store manager):
What are you doing? There's only half an hour to go!

Del:
You plonker!

Del:
(to Mr. Peterson) So is it Little Lennox, or Old Bill?

Lisa:
I always thought Marines were, you know, taller.

Rodney:
He used to be much taller, but like he said, he had a bad landing.

Andy:
We've got some great thermals today.

Del:
Thermals? Oh, what a shame! I'm just wearing my ordinary y-fronts.

Del:
This is my punishment, isn't it? Spending the rest of my life in this wheelchair.

Trigger:
Still, it could have been worse.

Mike:
How?

Trigger:
My gran had one with a squeaky wheel.

Del:
Rodney, I was up there for three hours, Three bloody hours! I did a loop-the-loop over Dimchurch. Little kids were pointing, "There goes a spaceman, a spaceman!" Finally, when I had just given up hope, I cluttered into an aerial thing, and fell 50 foot to the ground. It was only by the grace of God, that I landed on something soft!

Rodney:
Yeah, I can see the bruising on your head.

Del:
No, it was not my head, I landed on a very unfortunate and very unsuspecting courting couple!

Rodney:
You're kidding!

Del:
I wish I was! Due to your vicious mind and general "wally-ness", they've had to put their wedding back by six months! And I've had to pay for a new sun-roof in their Sierra! And that's regardless of what Radio Rentals are gonna do me for the aerial!

Del:
Right, okay, now this is a Jaws-type story.

Rodney:
Jaws? Jaws has been done though.

Del:
I know it's been done! But this is different. It's called... "There's a Rhino Loose in the City"!

Rodney:
: There's a Rhi... Loose in... As in rhinoceros??

Del:
That's right. "There's a Rhino Loose in the City"!

Albert:
What's it about, Del?

Del:
Well, it's about this rhinoceros, right, escapes from a zoo and it heads straight for London. And after two or three days, they find like all these dead bodies lying about and no-one knows who's done it. So, they get hold of this private detective, you know, like a sort of Charlton Heston type geezer to try and solve the crime. Now the zoo keeper happens to be a very attractive woman, so before you know where you are, old Charlton is giving the sort what for, so that's your romantic interest!

Rodney (still slightly stunned) A rhinoceros?

Del:
Yeah! But they don't know it's missing.

Rodney:
But... how can you not know? If you've got a rhinoceros, right and one day it ain't there - you tend to know it's missing.

Del:
Don't be a plonker all your life Rodney! She ain't got just the one rhinoceros, she probably had two or three rhinoceroses.

Albert:
And how's it escape?

Rodney:
Oh, squeezes through the bars, most probably.

Del:
Now don't you start getting saucy with me, Rodney. I'm only trying to help you.

Rodney:
I don't believe this! Nobody knows it's escaped? What about the eight million people living in London? Don't none of them spot it?

Del:
Yes! But the ones who spot it - they're the ones who get trampled to death!

Rodney:
And what about all the others? The people in offices, the people in caffs, the people sitting on the tops of buses? It's a rhino, Del!

Del:
He only comes out at night!

Albert:
What is it, a vampire rhino?

Del:
No, it is not a vampire rhino. That is stupid that is, innit, eh?

Albert:
And where does he live during the day?

Del:
Er... in a lock-up garage in a back street!

Rodney:
What, he's leasing it, is he?

Del:
No, he is not leasing it. It's a disused garage in a back street where no one ever goes! But... the detective does find it, only it's at night!

Albert:
And the rhino's gone out?

Del:
That's right, see, so you see the old detective is nowhere near solving the mystery. You see what it is Rodney, it is not only a love story! It's a whodunnit!

Rodney:
An whodunnit? What do you mean an whodunnit?! We know who done it! The rhino done it!

Del:
Yes, I know that, we - we the audience know that, but they don't know - the actors, do they?

Rodney:
Oh, this is something else! A rhinoceros has escaped from a zoo, there are 300 dead bodies covered in rhinoceros footprints, there's a lock-up garage two and a half foot deep in rhinoceros crap, and Charlton Heston suspects the butler!

Del:
...Well, I do admit there are one or two teething snags. But it's got all the essential qualities of a hit hasn't it. I mean, it's got suspense, lots of killings and a bit of humpty dumpty! I mean, look, this is a disaster movie!

Rodney:
Disaster? It's a calamity Del!

Albert:
Why is he killing people?

Del:
Well, what do you want him to be, a social worker!? Well, he's a man-eater, ain't he?

Rodney:
No, no, rhinoceroses aren't carnivorous. They're vegetarians!

Del:
Alright, so we elbow the lock-up garage and we make him hide in the back of an health food shop!

Rodney:
And he won't head for the city neither.

Albert:
But he's gotta head for the city so that he can kill lots of people!

Del:
Yeah that's right!

Rodney:
No, his natural habitat would be the open country.

Del:
Alright, so what are you suggesting? We call the film "There's A Rhino Loose Somewhere Out in the Sticks Where No Sod Lives!"??

Jumbo Mills:
You think I'm bald? Well I'm not!

Albert:
Well that's one hell of a parting you've got there son!

Jumbo Mills:
A typical Brit! The only thing that works is his mouth.

Del:
Australia is an awfully long way off, isn't it?

Jumbo Mills:
They'll love you over there. They've got no class!

Del:
Australia! Where the men are men.

Albert:
So are the women...

Del:
What's that supposed to mean?

Albert Last time I was over there, the only way you could tell the sexes, was the men spit further.

Del:
Don't you think I've sacrificed enough for you?!

Rodney:
Sacrifices? For me?

Del:
Yes you, when dear Mum, God rest her soul, when she died...

Rodney:
Don't start again.

Del:
When she died, who stood by you?

Rodney:
Yes, I remember that well. I was a little 5-year-old stood in a damp graveyard wondering what the hole in the ground was for, I remember all the other people saying "I wonder what's gonna happen to poor little Rodney?" But I had no need to fear, did I, 'cos suddenly a vision appeared from beyond the silhouette of the gasworks. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's Del Boy! Da da da daad! "I, Del Boy, will look after this small waif. I will bring him up in the ways of Del Boy. He will sell iffy watches from old suitcases on street corners. And I will also teach him to drive a three-wheeled van whilst pissed out of his skull!"

Del:
And I did, didn't I?

Rodney:
It got nothing to do with me, Del! It's was a Micky Pearce production!

Del:
Micky Pearce! You wait till I get a hold of him, I'm gonna stuff that camera half a mile up his nostril!

Man at the market:
...They can't be top quality, they're too cheap!

Del:
"Too cheap", how can they be "too cheap" you wally?

Man at the market:
Here, I'm not a wally!

Del:
No? What are you doing then, an impression?

Annoying man at the market:
...yeah but do you get a guarantee?

Del:
You do, yeah you do get a guarantee, I'll guarantee you get a smack in the mooey if you keep on pal, just go away and annoy someone else...

Lady Victoria:
(to Rodney) "So what's your name?

Rodney:
It's Rodney.

Trigger:
(shouts from a distance) Alright Dave?

Rodney:
No, it's Rodney. He's just a bit thick.

Rodney:
People round here don't pay £85 for a painting... People round here don't pay £85 for a car.

Del:
[about to take part in the clay pigeon shoot] When you're ready, John!

Clay Pigeon Man:
Do you mean 'pull'?

Del:
Oh, sorry, Paul! In your own time, my son.

Rodney:
Oi! Where'd you get that gun?

Del:
Iggy Higgins.

Rodney:
Iggy Higgins robs banks.

Del:
Yeah I know but it's Saturday, innit.

Lord Henry:
(after Del tells him that he is related to the Surrey Trotters) I don't care if you are related to the Surrey Trotters, the Berkshire Trotters, or the Harlem bloody Globetrotters!

Trigger is not enjoying his drink

Trigger:
Here, Mike, I ordered beer.

Mike:
Don't try to be funny with me, Trigger! I'll tell you this much: I've had certificates for my beer.

Trigger:
Yeah, I've had a few days off work with it an' all.

Del:
Come on Mr Jahan, let's discuss this over a drink, shall we?

Mr. Jahan:
OK, something non alcoholic.

Del:
Mike, a pint of your best Bitter please.

Rodney:
Albert, did...

Albert:
They're rumours, Rodney. That's all, rumours.

Trigger:
Hold up, hats off.

Boycie:
Hello, your mini cab's arrived, Albert.

Del:
Boycie!

Trigger:
Is that Dave?

Del:
Yeah.

Rodney:
You git. You rotten git! You never told me my new job was a chief mourner!!!

Del:
Rodney, please show some respect.

Rodney:
Look, that big traffic jam was not my fault! Alright, name one person who blamed me!

Del:
Mr Jahan did.

Uncle Albert:
Grieving relatives did.

Del:
The Flying Eye did.

Albert:
If you knew he was buried at sea, why'd you ask me to bring this shovel?

Del:
So I can whack you on the bloody head with it!

Rodney:
Do I look like him?

Albert:
It was just a rumour, son.

Rodney:
Do I look like him?

Albert:
A bit.

Del:
There's gotta be a way! He who dares wins! There's a million quids worth of gold out there - our gold. We can't just say 'bonjour' to it.

Rodney:
Freddie the Frog. Killed himself by sitting on someone else's detonator... What a plonker.

Mike:
Why does he keep doing it, eh?

Boycie:
God knows. I suppose at some time in his life, someone told him he could play the piano.

Mike:
Yeah, but I'd like to meet the git who told him he could sing!