Peep Show, Series 3

Mugger 2:
Alright mate?

Mugger 1:
Will you lend us your phone mate?

Mark:
[startled]...What?

Mugger 1:
Lend us your f***in' phone!

Mark:
Why?

Mugger 2:
Well I need to make a call.

Mark:
....Dont you have your own phone?

Mugger 2:
Come on, lend us your phone.

Mark:
Right... it's just... 'Neither a lender nor a borrower be'!

Mugger 1:
Do you think we're some pair of shit-houses?

Mark:
No! God, no! It's just a... It's a BlackBerry and....

Mugger 2:
Give us your phone! Give us your wallet!

Mugger 1:
Come on! Before we f***in' do you!

Mark:
(Do me? Are they going to rape me? Or kill me? If they rape AND kill me, I hope they kill me first....I sort-of win...) [Hands over the phone]

Mugger 1:
Is that it? You got nothin' else?

Mark:
[meekly] ...Yes

Mugger 2:
What else?

Mark:
There's my travel card? (That's right, Mark, help the muggers...what do you want, approval?)

Mugger 1:
[They laugh at Mark's photo] Alright, now piss off!

Mark:
[inwardly indignant] Oh this really takes the biscuit.

Mugger 2:
FASTER..."

Mark:
I thought it was at least the muggers who had to run off. The victim flees -

Mugger 1:
FASTER!!"

Mark:
[running] Oh this really leaves a sour taste.