Squidbillies, Season 3

Melissa:
Mr. Halen, take a look at this. (Turns on TV showing a police riot) The Chicago Democratic Convention in 1968.

Dan Halen:
Ah, the '60s. I'll never forget them.

Melissa:
I believe that's you in the upper-left corner hitting someone with a chain.

Dan Halen:
(laughing) I remem-- I remember I made that guy taste the chain. "Taste the chain," I said again and again, long after he was incapable of tasting anything.

Melissa:
We found this in the archives after the invasion of Poland. (Plays stock footage of Halen alongside Adolf Hitler, saluting in full uniform and shouting, "Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil!")

Dan Halen:
We belonged to the same gym. I suppose you'll take that image out of context and make it into something.

Melissa:
Here you are in Berlin in 1926.

Dan Halen:
So I used to be a transvestite cabaret host. You have a point with this?

Melissa:
According to our research, Dan Halen has apparently existed throughout recorded history.

Dan Halen:
(against a montage featuring him in a direct capacity, starting with...) Everyone tortured political prisoners during the medieval era. (Atop a Mayan pyramid, pulling out a heart) This sacrifice led to plenty of rain. The maize crop that year was wonderful. (At the feet of the Crucifixion, wooden hammer in hand) I was taking the nail out. I was trying to help the man. (Cave painting of a body struck by three arrows and Halen with lit torch, dragging woman by the hair) Well, it's not like I invented fire. (As a monk holding a rat over a body) So I spread some of the Black Plague. (Whipping Egyptian slaves) Those Egyptians were trying to steal precious artifacts from the British museum. (Atop a unicorn, close to a Tyrannosaurus) Well, that-- that was just an accident.

Melissa:
Mr. Halen, these pictures prove you're tens of thousands of years old.

Dan Halen:
Melissa...

Melissa:
What do you say to these charges?

Dan Halen:
I don't recall.

Melissa:
You don't recall that you're a living embodiment of evil?

Dan Halen:
Uh, no. No, I don't recall that.

Melissa:
A plague on humanity from the beginning of time?

Dan Halen:
Mmm...no. No, I don't recall.

Melissa:
We have film evidence. We have pictures.

Dan Halen:
Come on!

Melissa:
What could you possibly say to these charges, Mr. Halen?

Dan Halen:
I'm sorry, but I'm not equipped to reach a conclusion regarding that assessment at this time. And what's more, let me add that I will explode your head for saying that.

Melissa:
Mr. Hal... (Her head explodes)

Dan Halen:
Yes, there's no such thing as a free necklace, muckraker.