Squidbillies, Season 3

Dan Halen:
Science, you cheap whore.

Dan Halen:
Go behind the Dumpster and mate the tangy with the mild.

Rusty:
Well, how I go about doing that?

Dan Halen:
Tie Tangy up, have a black chicken f*** it in a fake rape scenario while Mild watches helpless because that's what gets him off.

Rusty:
Hail Satan, my dark lord and master.

Satan:
I'm gonna own you all, just like I own this little bitch here! Come on. Come to daddy.

Rusty:
Wait a minute, now. I thought you said this was free. I didn't have to do nuthin' for it.

Satan:
Listen to the little whiny bitch. Boy, he's really gonna hate it when he gets to Hell.

Rusty:
I don't wanna go to hell! Come on, do something, Daddy!

Satan:
You know, it's actually not much worse than your current situation. I mean, yeah, we have really high taxes, but hey, you earn real money at least. I mean, we do have jobs down there. It's not everything you hear.

Rusty:
Oh, really?

Satan:
Hahaha, no! You are raped by fire all day! And the days are longer down there! Oh, there's plenty to drink. You know what you drink? FIRE, motherstuffer, that's what! Dinner? That's a root that makes you thirsty for more flippin' fire! You understand? It's ridiculous what I've set up down there!

Rusty:
Oh my God! It's Ridley Scott's "Alien"! Look at it! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Early:
No, son, it ain't Ridley Scott's "Alien". It's worse.

Early:
(taking Lil's babies to the "movies") Alright. C'mon y'all. C'mon. Step right in to the movies. Yeah, see what Hollyweird has cooked up next. Getcha good seat now. You don't wanna miss them previews.

Rusty:
Daddy, this ain't the movies.

Early:
No movies. Lake boat.

Early:
I have dubbed thee Herschel Walker Cuyler Them Dawgs is Hell Don't They!

Early:
"I have re-evalutated the saturation, and I have convoluted that you ain't wild... You're mild."

Early:
War, Famine, Death... and grasshoppers. Looks like one just dont quite belong does it?

Early:
Mute yer wooo's boy.....there's a seven headed beast afoot."

Santa:
Okay, this is Big Crimson Daddy. Stop production on all sex toys immediately.

Elf:
We're... everything?

Santa:
Uh... I could maybe fold the anal beads team into yo-yos, but... but no vibrators.

Elf 2:
Can't we just call them "back massagers"?

Santa:
No... yes. Yes, we can make that work. I'll call Sharper Image.

Elf 3:
What about these, Santa?

Santa:
The Kalishnakovs? With the Drum-Triber air sight and the fixed stock... oh, God, that's a nice weapon... uh... let me hold off on that one.

Dan Halen:
I have to say it was all worth it! Screw every last one of you!

Reverend:
Who even cares? Life is merely a fantasy draped in confusion. The curtain is yanked back from the charade!

Early:
Would you grab my skull bong, from the reverend please?

Melissa:
We caught up with Halen in his inground pool, inexplicably built in the middle of a giant lake, which is itself a giant aboveground pool.

Melissa:
Mr. Halen, take a look at this. (Turns on TV showing a police riot) The Chicago Democratic Convention in 1968.

Dan Halen:
Ah, the '60s. I'll never forget them.

Melissa:
I believe that's you in the upper-left corner hitting someone with a chain.

Dan Halen:
(laughing) I remem-- I remember I made that guy taste the chain. "Taste the chain," I said again and again, long after he was incapable of tasting anything.

Melissa:
We found this in the archives after the invasion of Poland. (Plays stock footage of Halen alongside Adolf Hitler, saluting in full uniform and shouting, "Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil!")

Dan Halen:
We belonged to the same gym. I suppose you'll take that image out of context and make it into something.

Melissa:
Here you are in Berlin in 1926.

Dan Halen:
So I used to be a transvestite cabaret host. You have a point with this?

Melissa:
According to our research, Dan Halen has apparently existed throughout recorded history.

Dan Halen:
(against a montage featuring him in a direct capacity, starting with...) Everyone tortured political prisoners during the medieval era. (Atop a Mayan pyramid, pulling out a heart) This sacrifice led to plenty of rain. The maize crop that year was wonderful. (At the feet of the Crucifixion, wooden hammer in hand) I was taking the nail out. I was trying to help the man. (Cave painting of a body struck by three arrows and Halen with lit torch, dragging woman by the hair) Well, it's not like I invented fire. (As a monk holding a rat over a body) So I spread some of the Black Plague. (Whipping Egyptian slaves) Those Egyptians were trying to steal precious artifacts from the British museum. (Atop a unicorn, close to a Tyrannosaurus) Well, that-- that was just an accident.

Melissa:
Mr. Halen, these pictures prove you're tens of thousands of years old.

Dan Halen:
Melissa...

Melissa:
What do you say to these charges?

Dan Halen:
I don't recall.

Melissa:
You don't recall that you're a living embodiment of evil?

Dan Halen:
Uh, no. No, I don't recall that.

Melissa:
A plague on humanity from the beginning of time?

Dan Halen:
Mmm...no. No, I don't recall.

Melissa:
We have film evidence. We have pictures.

Dan Halen:
Come on!

Melissa:
What could you possibly say to these charges, Mr. Halen?

Dan Halen:
I'm sorry, but I'm not equipped to reach a conclusion regarding that assessment at this time. And what's more, let me add that I will explode your head for saying that.

Melissa:
Mr. Hal... (Her head explodes)

Dan Halen:
Yes, there's no such thing as a free necklace, muckraker.

Dan Halen:
I should have put it together. The copious references to "Nature Boy" Ric Flair and former Black Crowes bassist Johnny Colt. Hell, Halen, they're written on waffle bar napkins. Where was my analytical mind?!

Early:
Hell yeah. You stepped up. You handled your business!

Early:
Come on, man. We was just teasin' with the government.

Granny:
So, Medicare ain't gonna spring for no fake funbags?

Early:
Medicare. Medicare don't care. Medicaint!

Early:
We wait, actually, you wait (starts sinking into the floor of his truck, a smaller truck-boat-truck emerges from beneath the truck) Escape pod only holds one, fight the good fight son! (mini truck-boat-truck horn plays 'La Cucaracha')

Rusty:
Cmon Roy Clark I summon you from hell.

Early:
Banjo is dated! Just cuz we live up here we supposed to like banjo!? How very damn trite!

Early:
(while Sheriff and the hippies "copulate") Damn! Smells like somebody took a massive dump on a huge pile of crap and soaked the whole thing in a jug of week-old farts and lit the whole caboodle on fire.

Rusty:
Yeah, just like you done on the last Fourth of July, Daddy.

Early:
I sure did. I support the troops.

Early:
Look at me Granny, I'm goin to get me a job and respect from my peers just because I say so!

Granny:
Oh rusty your so stupid and sweet"

Early:
You got to earn this, boy! You understand me?

Rusty:
I reckon I don't never understand you.

Early:
And I don't prefer that you do! All my musins and my ramblins.

Early:
Y'all bow your damn heads! We thank you, Lord, for mans like myself, males of the masculine variety, winners all of us. And we thank you for the womerns too, and how you made them out of a part of a man that he don't never need nor want, to live by our rules and our pleasures. [chomps] The chicken is good. Amen.