Two and a Half Men, Season 3

Evelyn:
Do you believe your future mother-in-law? Shows up at a four-star restaurant wearing a track suit with the word "juicy" stretched across her half-acre ass.

Charlie:
I can read, Mom.

Jake:
Can we go back? I forgot my doggie bag.

Charlie:
We can never go back, Jake.

Alan:
Oh, come on, it's not the end of the world.

Evelyn:
Easy for you to say. You're not marrying into The Addams Family.

Charlie:
Oh, like you were a prize. Slipping a prenuptial agreement into my fiancée's menu?

Evelyn:
I am just trying to protect you from being wiped out by a vindictive ex-wife who will use your hard-earned money to finance a frivolous life of partying and shopping and unnecessary plastic surgery.

Charlie:
Um, Mom...?

Evelyn:
Every one of my surgeries was necessary! And if I had signed a prenup, you would never have gone to music camp, and Alan would have an overbite you could use to open a can of Pennzoil!

Kandi:
I didn't know Mia's last name was Addams.

Jake:
I didn't know her sister was a cop.

Evelyn:
Was a cop. Now she's a dry drunk with a grudge and a .38.

Jake:
Well I liked her.

Evelyn:
Well, of course you would. You've got the same haircut as her.