Two and a Half Men, Season 3

[Alan is lying on the couch after falling off the ladder]

Alan:
Do me a favor and call Judith and tell her not to bring Jake over.

Charlie:
How come?

Alan:
Look at me, Charlie! I have abrasions, contusions, a severely sprained neck, two fractured fingers, and I'm hopped up on pain pills. Does that spell "weekend dad" to you?

Charlie:
Well, actually, to me it spells "weekend in Bangkok with two Olympic gymnasts". But that's a whole other story.

[Charlie and Jake are at a restaurant where they are the only white customers]

Jake:
This isn't the Clucky's my mom takes me to.

Charlie:
No kidding.

Jake:
Where are we, anyway?

Charlie:
It's called Watts.

Jake:
Why do you say "freakin'"? I know what you mean. I'm not a little kid anymore.

[after Evelyn introduced the still-injured Alan to Mona]

Mona:
What happened to you?

Alan:
I was fixing a satellite dish and I fell off the roof.

Mona:
Well, why didn't you just call the guy?

Alan:
You wanna know why I didn't call the guy? I'll tell you why I didn't call the guy. BECAUSE YOU DON'T NEED TO CALL THE GUY! It's a simple adjustment that any idiot can do, and yes, I know this idiot fell off the roof, but it was after I fixed it all by myself, NO GUY!

Charlie:
So, uh, Betsy, maybe we can get the boys together for a little play date sometime.

Jake:
I don't want a play date with some stupid kid just so you can have sex with her!

Charlie [to Jake]:
I get that you're growing up, that your body's changing, that your emotions are in flux, but the important thing you need to keep in mind is that... I don't care. When you're in my house, when you're out with me, and especially when we're around women, you will be adorable.

[Alan shows Charlie the drawing that got Jake kicked out of school]

Alan:
The girl went home in tears, her mother is on the warpath, and Jake could get expelled.

Charlie:
For a silly drawing?

Alan:
It's considered sexual harassment. The school has a zero-tolerance policy.

Charlie:
Oh, for the good old days, when you could wander into a girls' locker room pretending you were blind.

Alan:
You actually did that? That's horrible!

Charlie:
No, the horrible part was stealing the dog from the blind kid.

Alan:
Well, unfortunately, times have changed, and we no longer live in a Porky's movie.

Charlie:
I'm sorry, I-I should have picked up the phone.

Alan:
Forget it. What's done is done. No sense grinding on it.

Charlie:
Thank you.

Alan:
I just have to accept the fact that I-- I can't count on anyone, least of all an emotionally immature narcissist who thinks that the sun rises out of his navel and sets in his scrotum, and only cares about what lies between the two.

Charlie:
OK, I'm no expert, but that sounds a lot like grinding.

[at Alan's chiropractic office]

Charlie:
So this is where you come every day, huh?

Alan:
Yep, for eleven years. What do you think?

Charlie:
I would have killed myself ten and a half years ago.

Alan:
OK, now all you have to do is sit here, and when the phone rings, pick it up and say, "Dr. Harper's office."

Charlie:
So right off the bat, I lie?

Alan:
I am a doctor, Charlie.

Charlie:
Yeah, and I'm king of the traffic doughnuts.

[Alan realizes the buxom woman sitting next to him outside the principal's office is the mother of the subject of Jake's drawing]

Alan:
Oh, (laughs), you must be Boobra's mom.

(instantly realizes his Freudian slip, tries to recover with:
)

Barbara's mams.

(shuts his eyes in embarrassment, then greets her with a sheepish:
)

Hi!

Berta:
[large chested, scary housekeeper, sternly talks to Jake] So. You like making fun of girls with big boobs.

Jake:
[looking pale] Not any more.

Alan:
OK, OK, I had hoped that we could have a spirited exchange of ideas here, but if we are going to just degenerate into name calling, perhaps we should wait for the principal to decide what a reasonable punishment for my son would be.

Mindy:
[Barbara Schmidt's busty mother] Fine. We'll let the principal decide.

[The principal, another large-breasted woman, enters the hall from her office]

Principal:
I'm principal Gallagher.

Alan:
[defeated] Oh, God, my boy's going to get the chair.

Charlie:
You know, for the record, a lovely dinner doesn't necessarily preclude carpet burns and a bite mark on your ass.

Alan:
In this case, it was just dinner and a pleasant conversation.

Charlie:
Well, that's why God gave us Cinemax and an opposable thumb.

Evelyn:
Alan, sweetheart, you know I only want the best for you, right?

Alan:
Uh...

Evelyn:
I do! [to Berta and Rose]: I do! [to Alan]: Which is why, when Judith threw you out, I was right there supporting you.

Alan:
You had other options?

Evelyn:
Don't be naïve! I could have sucked up to Judith in order to have more access to my grandson. But, no, I burned that bridge. I said horrible things to her that I can never take back.

Charlie:
And keep in mind, this is a woman who worked the phrase "mousy bitch" into her wedding toast.

Alan:
What if he [Jake] comes back? Maybe I should go.

Judith:
Or we could, uh, go upstairs and get in bed.

Alan:
Bed? Our old bed?

Judith:
My new bed.

Alan:
What was wrong with the old one?

Judith:
Too many memories.

Alan:
Of what? You pretending to sleep and me watching Letterman?

Alan:
What are you doing?

Jake:
Masticating.

Alan:
What?

Jake:
Don't worry, it doesn't mean what you think.

Alan:
What do you think I think?

Jake [smiling]:
You know...

Berta:
Do you mind if I take your room?

Alan:
My room? Gee, I, I--

Berta:
Trust me, you want me to have a room with a private crapper.

Alan:
Incredible! I've been living here for two years, and you still consider me a houseguest.

Charlie:
No, my houseguests bring a bottle of wine and have sex with me.

Alan:
Oh, I'm sorry, I'll go get some Chardonnay and assume the position.

Charlie:
Hey, don't be letting your mouth write checks your ass can't cash.

Alan:
You know what the pecking order is in this house? Charlie, women Charlie sleeps with, Charlie's bookie, women Charlie hopes to sleep with, termites, me!

Berta:
Well, that's just not right.

Alan:
Yeah, but what am I supposed to do? I-I-I can't really afford my own place. I mean, I could, but it certainly wouldn't be on the beach, unless the beach was Guadalcanal.

Berta:
It's a shame, you paying all that money for an ex-wife and an ex-wife's house, and you're not allowed inside either one.

Alan:
Oh, this looks interesting: "Two-bedroom, needs work, up-and-coming neighborhood." Wh-- what does that mean, uh, "up-and-coming neighborhood"?

Evelyn:
It means the realtor couldn't move the house saying "drug-ravaged battlefield".

Alan:
You know, I-- I'd rather be a second-class citizen here in paradise than king of a urine-soaked firetrap next to Burbank Airport!

Charlie:
I'm gonna tell you something that'll serve you well for your entire life.

Jake:
Like when you're peeing outside, always face downwind?

Charlie:
Better. By the way, what the hell were you thinking?

Jake:
I was thinking, "Boy, I hope that's really warm rain."

Charlie:
Say what you want about me, but at least I've never chosen to have women in my life who do nothing but mistreat me.

Berta [walking into the kitchen]:
Hey, stud, I don't know what kind of sick, twisted party you had in your bedroom the last couple of days, but I sure as hell ain't cleaning it up! [leaves; Alan stares at Charlie]

Charlie:
That is different. Way different.

Charlie:
Are you aware that I'm a misogynist?

Evelyn:
Really? I raised you Episcopalian.

Charlie:
This isn't funny! My anger and mistrust towards women starts with you, which wasn't a problem until it spilled over into my sex life.

Evelyn:
So, you're blaming Mummy because Little Charlie can't come out and play?

Charlie:
OK, first of all, we don't call it "Little Charlie"!

Evelyn:
What do we call it, darling?

Charlie:
We don't call it anything!

Evelyn:
Well, when you were a baby, we called it "Mr. Pinky".

Charlie:
I may never have sex again.

Evelyn:
Oh, wait a sec, Mr. Pinky was the cat. What did we call your penis?

[Jake made cupcakes for Alan and Charlie]

Alan:
It's, uh, it's very tasty. What, uh, what prompted this?

Jake:
I figured out I don't need a girlfriend. If I want a cupcake, I just make it myself.

Charlie:
Taking matters into his own hands. The metaphor is now complete.

Jake:
Anybody want to lick the beater?

Alan and Charlie:
No.

Alan:
Isabella, I hate to be a fuddy-duddy, but we try to keep the house smoke-free.

Isabella:
I'm sorry. [she puts her cigarette out in Jake's cereal] Charlie didn't say anything when I was smoking in bed last night.

Alan:
Yeah, well, Charlie's lungs aren't always on the same page as his penis.

Alan [on the phone]:
I-- I don't think so, Mom. First of all, I-- I'm just not a big fan of costume parties. Yeah, Jake likes The Wizard of Oz, but I-- I just don't think he'd enjoy hanging out with a bunch of drunken real estate agents dressed like Judy Garland. [pause] Oh, OK, I'll get him. [to Charlie]: Mom wants to ask you something.

Charlie [on the phone]:
Hi, Mom, no! [hangs up]

Alan:
Do you have any idea what Isabella is really into?

Charlie:
So she's a little kinky!

Alan:
No, no, no. "Kinky" is a feather duster up your butt. I think this woman tried to put a curse on me.

Charlie:
Oh, please, who of us hasn't done that? To know you is to curse you.

Isabella:
Did you really think that you could just end this?

Charlie:
I was kinda hoping.

Isabella:
Dont you realize that our souls are now bound together destined to writhe ecstatically in blessed hellfire for all eternity?

Charlie:
[to Alan] Boy, I know how to pick 'em, don't I?

Berta:
[seeing Alan's swollen eye] Great googooly moogoolies! What the hell happened to you?

Alan:
I'm not sure..

Berta:
Looks like you got bitten in the face by one of them Ebola monkeys.

Alan:
I don't think so, Berta.

Berta:
I mean, you were not exactly eye candy going in but... now. Woof! You could scare the flies off a manure truck!

Charlie:
Simply out of curiosity: What exactly is this curse? What should I be on the lookout for?

Isabella:
Your crops will wither in the field.

Charlie:
Yeah, okay.

Isabella:
Your cattle will sicken and die.

Charlie:
[not impressed] Aha.

Isabella:
Your manhood will shrivel and become a useless husk.

Charlie:
I gotta fold here, Alan. Okay, you got me. What do you say we call the girls over and start spawning baby Gilgamesh?

Rose:
OK, now it's time for party games.

Charlie:
I've got one. [grabs a bottle of liquor] It's called "Drink Until This Night Makes Some Sort of Sense".

[After Charlie wakes up after a night in bed with Rose]

Charlie:
What I need to do is find my passport and head for the border. What you have to do is tell Rose that I was drunk and I'm sorry and there's no need to hunt me down and glue my testicles to my thigh...again!

Berta:
I'll tell you right now, you're swabbing on your own nail polish remover this time!

Charlie:
That wasn't pleasant for either of us, Berta!

Jake:
Uncle Charlie?

Charlie:
Yeah, buddy.

Jake:
You know what'd be cool? If you and Rose got married.

Alan:
Yeah, Charlie, that would be cool! I could be the best man, carry the ring for you and the medication for her. Do pharmacies have bridal registries? Hey, have-- have you guys talked about having kids? Are we gonna hear the pitter-patter of teeny-weeny, crazy-ass feet? [to Jake]: No, he's not gonna marry Rose.

Jake:
Why not? He's already getting sex from her.

Charlie:
Jake, Jake, the only reason Rose was in my bed is because she was too tired to go home.

Jake:
Uncle Charlie, I'm an underachiever, not an idiot.

[Charlie opens the front door to find Evelyn using her cellphone]

Alan [on the phone]:
Hello?

Evelyn:
Alan! Oh, good, I'm glad you're home. [Alan turns around to see Evelyn at the door] Listen, uh, I'm in the neighborhood, and I know how Charlie hates it when I just drop in unannounced so I-- I thought I'd call first.

Alan:
I'll let him know. [hangs up the phone] Charlie, Mom's coming over!

Charlie [looking straight at Evelyn]:
Tell her I'm not here.

Harvey:
Well, you know, you do the best you can to raise them [children], and in the end, they drive down life's highway on their own.

Evelyn:
Isn't that the truth? I think God gives us children so death won't come as such a disappointment.

Harvey's mother:
Harvey, how many times have I told you not to leave an estate without telling me?

Harvey:
Aw, mom...

Harvey's mother:
Get in the car, we're going home.

Harvey:
But mom, we're getting married!

Harvey's mother:
To this trash? I don't think so.

Everlyn:
Excuse me?

Charlie:
Roll with it, Mom.

Harvey's mother:
I'm counting to three, Harvey. One... Two...

Harvey:
I'm going. I'm going.

Everlyn:
Keep the robe.

Harvey:
Thanks. I'm not wearing pants.

Harvey's mother:
Harvey, do I have to put you on my knees?

Harvey:
I'm going. I'm going.

Harvey's mother:
He's really a good boy, but these things happen when you marry a first cousin.

Charlie:
I'd say they're lucky to have opposable thumbs.

Charlie:
Look, if you knew me at all and shut me down, it would be one thing, but to be dismissed on a simple "hello", well, that's a tough pill to swallow.

Mia:
Would you rather I give it to you in a suppository?

Charlie:
Well, to be perfectly honest...

Mia:
Good-bye. [leaves]

Alan:
Hey, hey, did you hear that?

Charlie:
What?

Alan:
It's a... it's a fat lady, and she's... singing.

Charlie:
You'd give up right now, wouldn't you?

Alan:
Charlie, Elvis has left the building! I mean, giving up is a little moot at this point.

Charlie:
Yeah, well, that kind of attitude is why you sleep alone with a copy of Monster Boobs magazine under your pillow.

Alan:
Stay out of my room.

Alan:
Just 'cause you're reading a dance magazine doesn't make you a dancer.

Berta:
Why not? You're a monster boob.

Alan:
Will you both stay out of my room?!

Alan:
And you, wh-- why do you enable this behavior?

Berta:
Why? I'll tell you why. Because your brother is the embodiment of the can-do, roll-up-your-sleeves spirit that made this country great. He never gets discouraged, he goes after what he wants, and he doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit". And if the day should come when any man, no matter how humble, can't go out there and soil the loins of some hot little dancer, well, I don't want to live in that America. [starts singing "America the Beautiful"]

Mia:
OK, let's start first position. Jake, do you know first position?

Jake:
Is that like missionary position?

Mia:
Your uncle and I would like to spend some alone time together.

Jake:
Oh... all right.

Charlie:
You want me to tuck you in?

Jake:
I'm too old to get tucked in, you... you ass-face!

Norma:
Are you related to that dreadful Charlie?

Alan:
My mother says I am, but frankly, I have my doubts I'm related to her.

Norma:
Well, Alan, uh, there's a little red sports car blocking my driveway. I assume it belongs to one of your brother's "hooers."

Alan:
One of his what?

Norma:
Hooers. Ever since he moved in here, it's been one endless parade of hooers.

Alan:
Oh, whores! Uh, well, in all fairness, most of them don't have the math skills to be whores.

Charlie:
What is that old witch doing here?

Alan:
Old witch? She's a charming woman!

Charlie:
Of course she's charming. They're all charming. That's how they lure you into their houses made out of candy and gingerbread.

Charlie:
Why are you dating a woman who most likely lost her virginity during World War II? And knowing her, probably not to one of our guys.

Alan:
OK, first of all, we're not dating. I am escorting her to a charity event. And second of all, her age is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is what inside a person.

Charlie:
Yeah, well, the only thing inside her is dust and undigested mastodon meat.

Alan:
She isn't that old, Charlie.

Charlie:
Oh, come on, I bet she was an eyewitness to the birth of agriculture.

Alan:
Stop it!

Charlie:
Her high school graduation picture is probably on a cave wall in France.

Charlie:
Hey, If you got her [Norma] pregnant, we can get a full page in Ripley's.

Alan:
Give it a rest, Charlie.

Charlie:
Oh, come on, I've been working on these all morning! Listen to this: "Her first car was a chariot." "She called her first husband Hun, 'cause he was one!" "Her first Christmas was the first Christmas." "Likes to take long walks on the beach after crawling out of the ocean and growing legs." "Her birthstone was lava." And finally, "The Big Bang"! I don't have a joke for that but I know there's something there!

[Alan shows everyone the advance copy of a newspaper with him on the front page]

Charlie:
"Good doctor, good neighbor, good guy."

Evelyn:
Good God.

Jake:
Hey, Dad, you're famous!

Alan:
Uh, well, not really. Well, among the readers of the Tarzana PennySaver, maybe a little.

Charlie:
Don't forget the homeless people who make underpants out of it.

Evelyn:
Charlie, don't be disrespectful.

Alan:
Thank you, Mom.

Evelyn:
So how much advertising did you have to buy in exchange for this puff piece?

[Alan is drunk]

Jake:
Boy, you're really plowed, aren't you?

Alan:
No, your daddy doesn't get "plowed". He just gets a little "bzzz". Bzzz.

Alan:
Why can't my mother appreciate me? All I wanted was one sincere "attaboy". Is that too much to ask?

[in the bathroom, Alan is vomiting in the toilet]

Charlie:
Attaboy!

Charlie:
You know what that smell is? Epiphany... For Men.

Charlie:
You were conditioned as a child to seek Mom's approval. You're still seeking Mom's approval, and you make every woman in the world a substitute Mom.

Alan:
But what about you? We had the same mother.

Charlie:
Well, I handle my conditioning in a different way. I have casual and often degrading sex with my substitute Moms, but we're talking about you and not me so forget I said that.

Alan:
Oh, how I'll try.

Female Bartender:
Would you like some more pretzels?

Charlie:
Well, I am in the mood for something salty and twisted.

Alan:
Wait a minute, that's your big secret? Alcohol?

Charlie:
Shhh. Don't tell anybody.

Alan:
But isn't that just a temporary solution.

Charlie:
It's only temporary if you stop drinking.

Alan:
I like it.

Charlie:
You see, Sandy, it's sort of a family tradition. Every year our mom invites us over for Christmas even though she doesn't want us to come, and we say yes even we don't want to go. Then when we don't show up, even though she's secretly relieved, she gets to complain about what horrible children she has to all of her friends. It's the perfect gift.

Alan [referring to his new girlfriend Sandy]:
Huh? Huh? Beauty, sex, cooking, laundry?

Charlie:
Marriage, boredom, alimony, death?

Charlie:
You lucky dog!

Alan:
What? I'm not going in there, she's nuts!

Charlie:
Yeah, so? Sex with crazy chicks is great! Just make sure you pick positions where you can see what her hands are doing.

Alan:
No, no, that would be taking advantage of a... a mentally unbalanced person.

Charlie:
Oh, Alan, that boat has sailed! May as well hop on board for a farewell cruise!

Charlie:
I don't have a lot of faith in psychiatry as a science. I think some of the drugs you're pushing are interesting, and I'm all for messing around with brain chemistry. I mean, that's how I got through high school. But in my experience, popping pills doesn't relieve social anxiety quite as well as, say, bourbon and Marvin Gaye.

Dr. Freeman:
Now I get it. You're desperate, and I'm full of hooey. So in the words of Marvin Gaye, "What's goin' on?"

Charlie:
Everything I say is confidential, right?

Dr. Freeman:
Whatever you say stays in this room.

Charlie:
Kind of like Vegas.

Dr. Freeman:
Well, except there's no way you're leaving here with more money than when you came in.

Charlie:
Yeah, like Vegas.

Alan:
So, uh, how long till the movie starts?

Charlie:
Uh, about twenty minutes.

Alan:
Yeah, sure, twenty minutes, not counting previews and ads, the popcorn and the giant pretzel holding hands, the-- the, the big soda drinking the little soda which, frankly is cannibalism, and the always-welcome reminder to turn off your cell phones and shut up but nobody ever does because, let's face it, good manners are just the latest casualty in the ongoing collapse of Western civilization.

[at the movie theater]

Charlie:
Alan, you need to be quiet.

Alan:
Why? The First Amendment gives me the right to yell "Goobers" in a crowded theater! GOOBERS!

Alan:
Uh, uh, "Debra Winger and Richard Gere starred in An Officer and a 'blank'." Oh, please!

Charlie:
You need a hint? There's a hint upside down in the corner.

Alan:
No, I don't need a hint! Eh, eh, I know the answer! Everybody here knows the ans-- everybody on the planet knows the answer! We're not stupid!

Charlie:
Ch-- chill, chill.

Alan:
Oh, oh, wait, oh, here's another brain teaser: Uh, uh, "Steven Spielberg directed this modern retelling of the H. G. Wells classic, War of the 'blank'." Uh, uh, "Couch!" War of the Couch!

Charlie [whispering]:
Stop it!

Alan [yelling]:
Oh, wait, no, no, I-- I got it! War of the BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!

Charlie:
You know what? You know, maybe you're right. Maybe we should go. [they start leaving]

Alan:
No, wait, no, I know this one: Uh, "Johnny Depp cruised to success in this comedy-action film inspired by a Disneyland attraction." Pirates of the BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!

Charlie [to another theater patron]:
He's-- he's behind on his reading.

Alan:
Oh, oh, and-- and, let's not forget-- uh, uh, Judy Garland in that immortal classic, The Wizard of BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!

[the two women Charlie brought home are skinny dipping in the ocean]

Alan:
Have you no shame?!

Charlie:
Let me think. Nope, just a tug.

Alan:
Now that's another thing! My angst is real. I-- I do not appreciate you taking my tug and using it to get in someone's pants.

Charlie:
News flash, Alan: they're already out of their pants!

Charlie:
Looks to be a beautiful day. Slightly overcast, but that should burn off in a few hours, leaving us with another sun-dappled afternoon in paradise.

Berta:
You still drunk from last night, or did you get a fresh buzz this morning?

Charlie:
No, ma'am, I am quite simply high on life.

Berta [to Alan]:
Blotto.

Charlie:
I think I might be in love with Mia.

Alan:
Big deal. You've always been in love with you-a.

Charlie:
I've just been seeing this ballet dancer, and I think she might be the one.

Evelyn [to Alan]:
Drunk?

Alan:
He says no.

Berta:
I think it might be one of those designer drugs. Charlie? [slowly]: What did you take?

Charlie:
I'm serious. We've been seeing each other for over a month, and we're waiting to sleep together until our relationship has a solid foundation.

Evelyn:
Well, we can rule out ecstasy. That's a powerful aphrodisiac. I've heard.

Jake:
Nowadays, we're supposed to say "African-American-disiac".

Charlie:
Hey, listen, about this "living without sex" thing, I was hoping you can give me a little advice.

Alan:
Me? What would make you think of me?

Charlie:
Well, I figured you get laid less often than a boil-covered dwarf, am I right?

Alan:
I don't have the actual statistics, but go on.

Charlie:
Well, you must get really frustrated. I mean, how do you stop yourself from, you know, running a red light and then taunting the cop 'til he shoots you?

Alan:
Ah, good question. Uh, I found that the best thing to do is to focus on your career, uh, get a hobby, uh, become involved in community activities, and at the end of the day, if you have any energy left, find a quiet space and yank it like a monkey in a mango tree.

Charlie:
You know, on a counter-programming note, the Lakers are playing Miami tonight.

Mia:
Would you rather watch that?

Charlie:
No, no, this is fine. Of course, I don't have a $500 bet down on the ballet.

Mia[about Kandi]:
Go back with your bimbo.

Mia:
You wanna go upstairs?

Charlie:
Not right now.

Mia:
Oh, please don't tell me you got somebody in your room?

Mia:
The fancy beach house works with a lot of women, doesn't it?

Charlie:
Honestly, it's like a G-spot with two mortgages.

Mia:
Well, just so you know, I'm nogjt with you for your house or your money.

Charlie:
So it's the car.

Mia:
Why would I care about your car?

Charlie:
It's an $80,000 Mercedes.

Mia:
Yeah, so what does it do that other cars don't do?

Charlie:
It costs $80,000!

Alan:
Uh, well, Kandi... it's like this: Charlie's with another woman.

Kandi:
Don't lie to me, Alan.

Alan:
OK, uh... he's in... Africa working as a scrub nurse for Doctors Without Borders.

Kandi:
Story of my life!

[Kandi, dressed as a Catholic schoolgirl, meets Jake and Judith for the first time]

Kandi:
You must be Jake.

Jake:
Uh-huh.

Kandi [to Judith]:
And you must be Jake's grandma.

Judith [to Charlie]:
I suppose you're the one who introduced Alan to that slutty little--

Charlie:
Don't say it, Judith; you'll just be demeaning all women. And yes.

Judith:
Figures. Well, I don't want her [Kandi] around my son.

Alan:
Oh, oh, oh, really? So, do I get to screen the men that you're dating? And let's not forget, I know about that guy who delivered the truckload of sod.

Judith:
What about him?

Alan:
[scoffs] It doesn't take two months to put down a new lawn, Judith.

Charlie:
Sounds like she got laid before the sod did.

Alan:
See, the thing for me was that I-- I never should have gotten married. I-- I was young, I didn't know who I was, and to be completely honest, I was just afraid of being alone.

Kandi:
Wow. Can I share something with you?

Alan:
Uh, yes, please, this is... uh, communicating. This is how we connect.

Kandi:
You shouldn't tell people that stuff. It makes you sound like a loser.

Alan:
No, it makes me sound like a real human being, a-- a person with feelings and flaws.

Kandi:
[makes the "loser" hand gesture]

Berta:
This is a sad, sad day. I always figured you'd be the last guy in the world to end up whipped.

Charlie:
I am not whipped. I'm... considerate.

Berta:
Considerate.

Charlie:
Yeah. See, I love Mia, and I want her to be happy. And I happen to know she's not happy when I smoke cigars and drink and gamble and stay out all night and... eat meat and sugar and grease and fat and... nap and swear and wear shorts and bowling shirts...

Berta:
Oh, Charlie, you ain't just whipped. You're roped, saddled, and gelded. They could use you to give rides at kids' birthday parties.

[Charlie sprays breath spray in his mouth to try to conceal the stench of cigars and booze from Mia]

Berta:
That ain't gonna do it, Alice.

Charlie:
What?

Berta:
You smell like a beer bottle that just fell out of Joe Camel's ass.

Charlie:
Well, what am I supposed to do?

Berta:
Um, hang on, let's see if I got anything in here that might mask that stench. Oven cleaner? No. Ty-D-Bol? No. How do you feel about taking a whore's bath with a hunk of blue cheese?

Charlie:
And did she [Evelyn] or did she not say that I'm a lazy-ass schlock jingle writer who wasted thirteen years of piano lessons that she paid for by marrying a series of men with large wallets and small penises?

Mia:
Yes, that was mentioned. But it's only natural for someone who loves you to want to see you live up to your potential. I mean, do you really want to be known as the guy who writes songs about adult diapers?

Charlie:
Hey, it's better than being known as the guy who wears them.

[everyone at the vegetarian restaurant is staring at Charlie and Mia]

Charlie:
Well, good! Maybe now you know how I feel, sitting in a restaurant eating medallions of bean curd with lawnmower sauce! Am I right? No man should have to eat anything with the word "curd" in it!

Mia:
You know, you're turning into a real ass here!

Charlie:
Well, then, I'm finally living up to my potential. [Mia leaves] I'm a big ol' bourbon-soaked, cigar-humping ass, as God in His infinite wisdom meant me to be. As He meant all men to be! [one person claps but everyone else is silent] You guys are disappointing God.

Charlie:
Hey, here's a fun fact. You're sleeping with a girl who was born when you were in junior high, and yet there's a good chance she lost her virginity before you did.

[Alan scoffs, shakes his head, and then starts to do the math in his head]

Charlie:
And here's another fun fact. I'll bet she's had sex with more girls than you too.

Alan:
[scoffs again, and again does the math and smiles] That is a fun fact!

Alan:
You're kidding, Rose has a boyfriend?

Charlie:
Yep.

Alan:
A real one or like Toby the astronaut?

Alan:
Uh, well... uh, uh, you see Jake, um... In the Old West, uh, uh... cowboys, uh, could be out on the-- the dusty range... uh, uh, for months... at a time, and, uh, they get mighty dirty. Um, so they'd, uh, they'd, uh, mosey into town, uh, with nothing but the-- the clothes on their backs, uh, and th-- they'd need to, to, to wash them. So what-- what they'd do is, uh, they-- they would go down to the-- the, the... "crick", uh, and, uh, strip down until they were wearing, uh, nothing but their boots.

Charlie:
Why'd they keep their boots on?

Alan:
Rattlesnakes. [to Jake]: Uh, anyway, um, in order to... to, to warn, uh, people who were swimming that, you know, a-- a naked... cowboy was, uh, on his way, he would yell, or, uh, or, if you will, uh, call, uh, "Booty! Booty!" Ergo, the "booty call".

Kandi:
Wow. Alan, you really make history fun.

Alan:
Well, thank you.

Kandi:
So when did it start meaning casual sex?

Charlie:
Alan, there comes a time in every man's life when he has to make a choice; does he want to be loved, or does he want to get laid. Fourteen years ago you made the wrong choice. You got married, and you wound up with neither. But now, now fate has given you another chance. Welcome it. Embrace it. Grab its pert little ass.

Alan:
What am I supposed to do, walk into my son's birthday and say, "Hey everybody, look at this gorgeous twenty-two year old woman I'm having sex with."

Charlie:
Oh, don't be silly. You don't want to rub their faces in it! You just want them to know where yours has been. Oh, yeah, one more thing.

Alan:
Yeah?

Charlie:
"Booty! Booty!"

Rose:
So I suppose Charlie hasn't told you I have a new man in my life.

Evelyn:
Oh, good for you, dear. Does the man know yet?

[Alan and Kandi arrive late to Jake's birthday party. Everyone stares at them upon coming in]

Alan:
Sorry we're late, but... I was having sex with this gorgeous twenty-two-year-old woman!

Charlie:
Wait, wait-wait-wait-wait... [grabs a camcorder] OK, come in and say that again!

[Jake is sick in the bathroom during his birthday party]

Alan:
Well, wait a second-- why did you take vitamins?

Jake:
I was tired!

Alan:
OK, but-- but where did you find vitamins to take?

Jake:
In your medicine cabinet.

Alan:
I don't have any vitamins in my medicine cabinet.

Jake:
Yeah, you do -- the little blue ones with a "V" on them.

Charlie:
Oooh.

Judith:
What's going on? I don't understand.

Berta:
The kid's gonna need another party hat.

Charlie:
With his [Jake's] grades, he might as well get used to pushing shopping carts around.

Alan:
Are you saying my son's gonna end up working in a supermarket?

Charlie:
No, I'm saying he's probably gonna end up homeless.

Evelyn:
Charlie, I need a favor.

Charlie:
Yeah, well, I need a healthy liver, and there's a long waiting list for both.

Evelyn:
This event isn't televised, is it?

Charlie:
No.

Evelyn:
Hmm. Well, I guess they only show the important awards.

Charlie:
[hands his keys to Alan] Congratulations, you've just been elected tonight's designated driver.

Alan:
Come on, just ignore her.

Charlie:
Ignore her? It'd be easier to ignore blood in my urine!

Awards ceremony emcee:
And now, before we present the Jingle of the Year award, we have a special treat.

Charlie:
Please tell me they're gonna pass out guns.

[Jake and Alan sing Archie's "Save the Orphans" jingle after the ceremony]

Charlie:
Enough!

Alan:
C'mon, it's catchy.

Charlie:
So is diphtheria.

Jake:
How come you don't get a runner-up trophy?

Charlie:
'Cause I don't.

Jake:
In school, everybody gets a trophy just for participating.

Charlie:
Well, Jake, that's the difference between school and life. In life, all you get for participating is pain, loneliness, and death.

Charlie:
Rose, think about it. Where are you gonna find a guy who loves you as much as Gordon? And Gordon, where are you gonna find a girl... period?

Kandi:
Ouch.

Alan:
What?

Kandi:
One of my teeth hurts when I brush it.

Alan:
When was the last time you saw a dentist?

Kandi:
Alan, I see people all the time. They don't always tell you what they do.

Alan:
Do you know how to get a 1981 Plymouth Duster moving?

Charlie:
Yeah, yank out the eight-track and push it off a cliff.

Alan:
(mock laughter) You're useless.

Kandi:
Alan, should I try it [starting her car] again?

Alan:
Uh, no, I'm gonna call Triple-A.

Kandi:
Good, no sense drinking over this.

Charlie:
You must be so proud.

Alan:
Hey, hey, she may not be sophisticated, but she's... street-smart.

Charlie:
Sesame Street-smart.

Alan:
Did you know they [the pizzeria he is delivering for] actually have a little machine that shoots the cheese into the crust?

Charlie:
Is that so?

Alan:
Yep, it's a little high-pressure gun. Can't kill yourself with it, though. I tried.

Alan:
I'm all tapped out. All-- all I have left to put on eBay is a, a-- a kidney or a lung.

Kandi:
If I were you, I'd sell the kidney 'cause lungs don't grow back.

Alan:
Where are you going?

Charlie:
I'm gonna solve all your problems. (returns to the kitchen with a baseball bat in his hand) You wanna see it coming or should I surprise you?

Alan:
(mock laughter) You're not funny.

Jake:
Hey, how come my mom hates Kandi?

Charlie:
What gave you the idea that she hates her?

Jake:
'Cause she says so... a lot.

Charlie:
All right. Why do you think?

Jake:
I dunno. She's pretty, she's fun, and Dad seems real happy with her.

Charlie:
Well, little man, you just answered your own question.

Jake:
I did? What'd I say?

Charlie:
It's like this: You ever see a kid at school who doesn't like his lunch but he won't let you have it either?

Jake:
Oh, yeah. Russell Beasley. He'll spit on his apple cobbler before he'll let anybody else eat it.

Charlie:
Well, this is pretty much the same deal, except your mom is Russell Beasley, and your dad is the spit-covered cobbler.

Jake:
I don't understand.

Charlie:
Even though your mom doesn't want your dad, she doesn't want Kandi to eat him, either.

Jake:
Oh.

Berta:
Just out of curiosity, when you leave here, where is it you go?

Kandi:
To the gym. I have to take care of my body 'cause it's my instrument.

Berta:
Mine too. Three beers and a bratwurst and my ass turns into a French horn.

Kandi:
Really? Whenever I have beer and bratwurst, I just fart a lot.

Alan:
Hey, I may not have the biggest boat in the marina, but nobody rows harder than me.

Berta:
OK, I haven't sampled anything from the other side of the buffet since I traveled with the Grateful Dead, but, Golly Moses, she's a muffin.

[Kandi answers the door in a bikini]

Judith:
I just don't think that outfit is appropriate for Jake.

Kandi:
Oh, I agree. He would look ridiculous in this.

Kandi:
You know, I'm a child of divorce too, Jake.

Alan:
Really? How old were you when your parents split up?

Kandi:
Twenty-two.

Alan:
But you're twenty-two now.

Kandi:
Twenty-two and a half! Boy, what I'd give to be twenty-two again.

Kandi:
I don't even know who you are anymore!

Alan:
Oh, do you wanna know who I am? I'm the idiot who's paying you ten dollars an hour to miss phone calls, nap in the bathroom, and use my X-ray machine on Mexican food!

Kandi:
Well, I wanted to know what's inside a chimichanga!

Alan:
If you didn't know what was in it, why'd you order it?!

Kandi:
'Cause it's fun to say "chimichanga"!

[Judith and Kandi enter Charlie's house drunk at 3:
00am]

Kandi:
Shhh! We don't want to wake up Mr. Alan Hitler!

Judith:
No, no, Osama bin Alan.

[Charlie is in bed with Kandi's mother, Mandi]

Alan:
Are you sure I'm not interrupting?

Charlie:
Don't worry about it. We're kind of at the seventh-inning stretch anyway.

Mandi:
You can go two more innings?

Charlie:
Even if I have to start throwing knuckle balls.

Kandi [to Alan]:
I think we've reached an implants in our relationship.

Judith:
Impasse!

Alan [to God after finding out that Kandi has set her father up on a date with Judith]:
I watch one donkey sex show, and you make me pay for it the rest of my life!

Charlie [to Mandi]:
When Alan was eight, I convinced him he only had two weeks to live. But I suppose that tells you more about me than him.

Alan:
Yeah, good times. But back to recent events--

Charlie:
Ooh, ooh! Remember when I told you the cat litter box was filled with almond roca? He ate four of them. [Mandi laughs]

Alan:
Are we done visiting Charlie Harper's Museum of Sibling Cruelty?

Alan:
So as I was leaving my ex-wife's house, I ran into your ex-husband.

Mandi:
Andy?

Alan:
I guess.

Charlie:
Wait a second. It's Mandi, Andy, and Kandi?

Mandi:
What's your point?

Charlie:
No point. Mandi, Andy, Kandi. Dandy.

Mandi:
Hi, Alan. How are you?

Alan:
About two heartbeats from a brain aneurysm.

Charlie:
Forget it, Alan. I only do the après sex chat with people I've just had sex with.

Alan:
Come on, she's [Kandi] playing Family Feud with her toes!

Charlie:
I don't care if she's playing banjo with her nipples!

Alan:
But I-- I need to communicate after lovemaking. I-- I need to share.

Charlie:
Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you started boinkin' a girl with the IQ of Tickle Me Elmo!

Alan:
Fine. [walks away from Charlie toward Berta] Hey, Berta, how's it going?

Berta:
Back off, Zippy. If you want pillow talk, you gotta spoon me first.

Judith:
Well, I don't know about his father, but I've tried to share some of my interests with him [Jake].

Alan:
Unfortunately, he's a little young to drink in the dark and bitch about men.

Charlie:
You like classic rock, right?

Jake:
Right.

Charlie:
OK, well, pick a band.

Jake:
How about Queen?

Alan:
Oh, good. I was afraid he was gonna pick something gay.

Charlie [after Jake's off-key rendition of "Bohemian Rhapsody"]:
Kid's a double threat. Tone-deaf and arrogant.

Alan [while playing Scrabble with Francine]:
Oh, boy. I have more vowels than a Honolulu phone book.

Judith [noticing Kandi's new diamond necklace]:
Is that a diamond necklace? You never gave me a diamond necklace.

Alan:
Yeah, well, you never gave me extra-special bonus sex.

Charlie:
Let me give you an example. Jake's at a party. All the boys are on one side of the room, all the girls are on the other. What's he do?

Alan:
Um...

Charlie:
You see? You see? Right there. That "Um..." is the battle cry of the chronic masturbator.

Alan:
Define "chronic".

Charlie:
Face it Alan. What can you bring to the table other than a lifetime of failure with women?

Alan:
It's not a lifetime yet!

Charlie:
I, on the other hand have a wealth of experience.

Alan:
He's [Jake's] twelve! He doesn't need to know how to choreograph a three-way!

Charlie:
Relax, Jake, Ricky knows what he's doing. He's been cutting my hair for years.

Jake:
Well, what if I don't want to look like you?

Charlie:
What's wrong with the way I look?

Jake:
Nothing... if you're a statue in front of a Big Boy restaurant.

Charlie:
I'm buying the little wiseass a $75 haircut, and he's taking shots at me?!

Alan:
You said it yourself: He has to find his own look.

Charlie:
Yeah, well, let him find it on somebody else's MasterCard!

Alan:
Come on, look at his point of view.

Charlie:
What's his point of view?

Alan:
Well, put overalls on you, and you do look kind of like the Big Boy. Stand like this for me: [poses like a Big Boy statue]

Alan:
Nevertheless, I am Jake's father, and I believe that childhood should be a time of innocence.

Charlie:
I agree, childhood should be a time of innocence. And Bambi's mother shouldn't die, and lap dances should be complementary after the fifth cocktail, but that's not the world we live in. This party tonight is the initial round in a lifelong process of sexual elimination.

Alan:
Oh, really?

Charlie:
Think of it as musical chairs, but when the music stops, the guys who have a clue are sitting on a woman instead of a chair. The guys who have no clue? They'll spend their teenage years-- well, I certainly don't need to tell Dungeon Master Alan.

Alan:
Charlie, be serious. I remember how nervous I was about my first boy-girl party.

Charlie:
Oh yeah, that was in college, wasn't it?"

Jake:
Oh, yeah, she [Mia] wants us to come see her dance next weekend.

Charlie:
It [the newspaper] says she's performing this weekend.

Jake:
Oh, I guess she called last weekend.

Charlie:
You're telling me this now?!

Alan:
Charlie, Charlie, calm down.

Charlie:
How many things does the kid have to handle? Eat, poop, tell me who called!

Jake:
She said some guy named Will has tickets.

Charlie [sighs]:
Who's Will?

Jake:
I don't know. She said he'd call.

Charlie:
Will's gonna call?

Alan:
You mean the tickets are at will call?

Jake:
I don't know, maybe.

Charlie:
Dear God, he's a doorstop that eats!

Charlie:
Hey, Alan. [to Jake]: Matey.

Jake:
I'm not a pirate.

Charlie:
You're not a gangsta, either. You're a dorky white kid with a Cub Scout bandana on his head. [takes it off]

Jake:
Yo, hate the game, don't hate the playa.

Mia:
Why don't I get changed and I'll stop by your house in a little while?

Charlie:
Sure, I'll be up, 'cause you know, I'm a night person.

Mia:
I remember.

Charlie:
Of course, if you come too late, I could be drunk.

Mia:
I remember.

Charlie:
Or there could be other women there.

Mia:
I remember.

Charlie:
All right, then... how about a quickie for old times' sake?

Mia [giggles]:
Please. Charlie, I think you're a terrific guy. You're smart, and handsome, and talented...

Charlie:
All good arguments for the quickie.

Mia:
Charlie, The reason I came here is... I want your sperm.

Charlie:
Alright, where do you want it?

Alan:
So, so why did Mia come to you [for sperm]?

Charlie:
Well, you know, her biological clock is ticking. Most of the guys she meets are ballet dancers, so, you know, slim pickings there. And she doesn't want to wait for Mr. Right to come along.

Alan:
Which pretty much leaves you.

Charlie:
Yep, I'm good genetic material, you know? Easy on the eyes, and she wants to raise the kid alone which fits nicely into my lifestyle.

Alan:
Charlie, drinking, gambling and casual sex is not a lifestyle.

[Charlie is in a sperm bank donor room]

Alan:
Well, I don't know if this will help, but sometimes when I was married, I used to pretend that I was having sex with a-- a completely different woman.

Charlie:
Oh, thanks. The image of you bumping uglies with your ex-wife should really move things along!

Charlie:
Did she [Rose] just use the front door?

Alan [staring in disbelief]:
Uh-huh.

Charlie:
She never used the front door before.

Alan [still staring in disbelief]:
Uh-uh. What happened out there?

Charlie:
Well, I, I, I told her I was going to marry Mia and I think I could actually see her medication stop working.

Alan:
What do you think she's gonna do?

Charlie:
The question isn't what, it's when, and how I'm gonna enjoy my honeymoon with my testicles glued to my ass crack.

Alan:
I just found my old wedding folder, and guess what was in it.

Charlie:
The claim check for your manhood?

Alan:
As I was saying, it's all here, everything you could possibly need for your big day, from paper samples for your announcements, to selected verses of romantic poetry well suited for wedding vows.

Charlie:
And you wonder why people think you're gay?

Mia:
My dad called today; he wants to take your family out to dinner.

Charlie:
Yeah, well tell him he can have one or the other, but not both!

Mia:
Come on Charlie, they're gonna have to meet sooner or later.

Charlie:
Ok, but why don't we wait for a real happy occasion?

Mia:
What's happier than a wedding?

Charlie:
Well, my mother's funeral springs to mind! There'll be music, dancing...my mom'll be in a box!

Berta:
Well, looks who's here, the Bride of Drunkenstein.

Mia:
Look. [Mia shows her engagement ring to Berta]

Berta:
Wow, that's quite a rock. You know what we call babes with rings like that in my neighborhood? [shows her missing ring finger] Stumpy.

[Mia looks at Charlie]

Charlie:
What are you looking at me for? Just stay out of her neighborhood!

Evelyn:
Do you believe your future mother-in-law? Shows up at a four-star restaurant wearing a track suit with the word "juicy" stretched across her half-acre ass.

Charlie:
I can read, Mom.

Jake:
Can we go back? I forgot my doggie bag.

Charlie:
We can never go back, Jake.

Alan:
Oh, come on, it's not the end of the world.

Evelyn:
Easy for you to say. You're not marrying into The Addams Family.

Charlie:
Oh, like you were a prize. Slipping a prenuptial agreement into my fiancée's menu?

Evelyn:
I am just trying to protect you from being wiped out by a vindictive ex-wife who will use your hard-earned money to finance a frivolous life of partying and shopping and unnecessary plastic surgery.

Charlie:
Um, Mom...?

Evelyn:
Every one of my surgeries was necessary! And if I had signed a prenup, you would never have gone to music camp, and Alan would have an overbite you could use to open a can of Pennzoil!

Kandi:
I didn't know Mia's last name was Addams.

Jake:
I didn't know her sister was a cop.

Evelyn:
Was a cop. Now she's a dry drunk with a grudge and a .38.

Jake:
Well I liked her.

Evelyn:
Well, of course you would. You've got the same haircut as her.

Alan:
[about Charlie's wedding night] Take my advice; tell her you love her, give her a big kiss, and try to fall asleep with your ass pointing towards an open window!

Charlie:
You, sir, have the heart of a poet.

Alan:
I am merely the voice of smelly experience.

Alan:
What can I say? Marriage is a great ride... 'til you puke.

[Alan and Kandi are getting married, and Charlie and Mia have just broken up because Mia wants Alan and Jake to move out.]

Charlie:
I don't freakin' believe it.

Alan:
Cheer up, Charlie. You're finally getting what you always wanted. I'm moving out of your house!

Charlie:
I don't freakin' believe it!

Jake:
You know, in some countries, you're innocent until proven guilty.

Alan:
You confessed!

Jake:
Oh, yeah.

Alan:
And that country you're thinking of is this one, genius!

Alan:
Did I really tell the waiter I loved him?

Charlie:
Well, you had to say something after a kiss like that.

Mandi:
Kandi's told me so many nice things about you.

Berta:
How do you know Kandi?

Mandi:
She's my daughter.

Berta:
Your daughter? Sweet whistlin' Geronimo! (to Charlie and Alan) You people are like a box of hamsters, just crawling all over each other!