Two and a Half Men, Season 4

Alan:
Charlie, what did you do to him[Chester]?

Charlie:
What did I do to him? I barely crapped my pants is what i did to him. What the hell is that?

Alan:
This is Chester. Isn't he cute? [to Chester]: Yes, you are! Yes, you are!

Charlie:
He's not staying here, Alan.

Alan:
Well, with all due respect, that's what you said about me.

Charlie:
It's because no kennel in town would take you! Now take him back to Kandi's.

Alan:
I can't.

Charlie:
Why not?

Alan:
Well, it's kind complicated.

Charlie:
Then simplify it.

Alan:
Ok, then. Well... I stole him.

Charlie:
Oh, Alan... I may think with my penis, but at least I think!