Two and a Half Men, Season 4

[Charlie is in bed with three women]

Alan:
Listen, I-- I really need to talk to you. Can you come downstairs?

Charlie:
Sure. Give me... an hour and a half.

Alan:
An hour and a half?

Charlie:
I know it's a little rushed, but we're on a tight schedule here! Tina's got homework, Cindy's got to meet her fiancé, and Marie... well, Marie's on the clock.

Alan:
You already had two women in bed and you felt the need to call a professional?

Charlie:
Better safe than sorry.

Jake:
Even though Mom stopped loving you and Kandi stopped loving you, you don't have to worry about me.

Alan:
Thanks, pal!

Jake:
You're my dad. I pretty much gotta love you.

[Alan is lying on his bed looking sad]

Alan:
I just want to be alone.

Charlie:
Well you don't need me, it's your home run swing.

Alan:
Just close the door on the way out.

Charlie:
Fine I'll close it, then I'll nail it shut, plaster it over and hang over it a picture of something a little more cheerful, like a plane crash.

Charlie:
All right, I didn't want to have to do this, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

[goes to the phone]

Berta:
What are you gonna do?

Charlie:
Something I hoped I'd never have to do.

Rose:
You don't mean...

Charlie:
I'm afraid so. [on the phone]: Hello? Mom?

[Cut to Alan lying in bed. There's a knock on the door. Alan looks up]

Alan:
God, what plague have you set upon me now?

Evelyn:
Alan? It's Mommy!

Alan:
Good one.

Alan:
Thanks for taking Jake back to Judith's.

Charlie:
No problem. Sorry I had to send Mom in there.

Alan:
No, no, you, uh... you did the right thing. I needed a good slap in the face. Although with Mom it's more like a nailgun to the testicles.

Alan:
[reads newspaper headline]: "Mudslide kills 600 religious pilgrims." And yet both my ex-wives live on.

Rose:
Boy, you look like hell.

Charlie:
Well, that's strange, 'cause I feel like crap.

Charlie:
Let me tell you something about feelings. Feelings are like your mother's breasts. You know where they are, but they are best left unfelt.

Rose:
It's an interesting analogy, but may I point out that a mother's breasts are a source for nourishment and comfort?

Charlie:
Yeah, well, my mother's breasts were a source of silicone and Russian vodka.

Charlie:
Yeah, well, I don't have to face anything I don't want to face, and I don't have to feel anything I don't want to feel, and that includes Mom's vodka knockers!

Jake:
Who is this "Vod Kanockers" that you speak of?

Alan:
Eat your dinner.

Jake:
The name's Kanockers. Vod Kanockers.

Alan:
Looks like you had a tough night.

Charlie:
No, the night was great. It's the morning that's killing me!

Jake:
If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with only one leg work at? [pause] IHOP!

Steven Tyler:
Hey, a lot of people pay to see me play harmonica.

Charlie:
They pay to hear you sing. They tolerate the harmonica!

Steven Tyler:
Sorry I don't measure up to your musical standards, you lame-ass jingle writer!

Charlie:
All right, let's see how you play harmonica out your other end!

Alan:
Now, now-now-now-now, let's slow down here, c'mon.

Steven Tyler:
Let's see what you got, jingle balls!

Charlie:
OK, I'm gonna rip off your big fat lips and use 'em to kiss my ass!

Alan:
[driving Charlie home from the hospital after the punch up with Tyler] You know, the dude may look like a lady, but you fight like a little girl.

[a bandaged Charlie is making a needlepoint sampler]

Alan:
"God bless Vicoden?"

Charlie:
Pretty good, huh?

Alan:
You spelled "Vicodin" wrong.

Charlie:
That's the great thing about Vicodin. I don't care.

Charlie:
OK, well, good luck with the tour!

Steven Tyler:
Thanks a lot, man.

Charlie:
Who's the sponsor, Metamucil?

Steven Tyler:
What was that?

Charlie:
Nothing, nothing.

Alan:
You're going to hell, you know?

Charlie:
I don't think so. I believe in a loving God who forgives little fibs as long as they lead to recreational sex.

Alan:
You really wanna drag God into this?

Charlie:
Who gave me the penis, Alan?

Alan:
Since when do you have a wet suit?

Charlie:
Since I moved to the beach and noticed that it was full of hot surfer chicks. [blows dust off his surfboard] If I lived next to Jellystone Park, I'd have a bear suit and a "pic-a-nic" basket.

Alan:
How about this: When was the last time you called her [Evelyn] just to see how she was doing?

Charlie:
Uh, whoo. What's today, Sunday? Then never.

Alan:
Why don't you start with that?

Charlie:
OK, fine. [takes his phone out of his pocket]

Alan:
Remember her number?

Charlie:
I've got it on speed dial. 666. Cute, huh?

Evelyn:
Charlie was a planned baby.

Alan:
What was I?

Evelyn:
Well, dear, you were a pitcher of margaritas and a gas station condom.

[later]

Alan:
Who buys condoms at a gas station?

[after Evelyn's plastic surgery]

Alan:
What happened to your mouth?

Evelyn:
I just had a little procedure.

Alan:
What kind of procedure?

Charlie:
They sucked some fat out of her ass and shot it into her lips.

Alan:
What did they do, use the whole ass?

Jake:
[To Evelyn after her plastic surgery] Dad says you got your butt in your lips. SO if you burp now it'll really be a fart right?

Alan [on the phone with Kandi]:
Oh, well, then, maybe you can explain to me why I'm the one who feeds Chester, gives Chester tick baths, and cleans up when Chester piddles on the rug!

Charlie [to Jake]:
When'd you change your name to Chester?

Charlie:
Who knows more about girls than your Uncle Charlie?

Berta:
Warren Beatty, Bill Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell...

Kandi:
Are you sure it doesn't have anything to do with sex?

Kandi's lawyer:
Positive.

Kandi:
Huh, sure sounds like it. "Subpoenas."

Jake:
What do I have to do for you?

Charlie:
Just promise to be sad at my funeral.

Jake:
Do I have to cry?

Charlie:
No.

Jake:
Will there be food?

Charlie:
Yes.

Jake:
Can I bring a date?

Charlie:
You're just screwing with me now, right?

Jake:
How does it feel?

Alan:
Charlie, what did you do to him[Chester]?

Charlie:
What did I do to him? I barely crapped my pants is what i did to him. What the hell is that?

Alan:
This is Chester. Isn't he cute? [to Chester]: Yes, you are! Yes, you are!

Charlie:
He's not staying here, Alan.

Alan:
Well, with all due respect, that's what you said about me.

Charlie:
It's because no kennel in town would take you! Now take him back to Kandi's.

Alan:
I can't.

Charlie:
Why not?

Alan:
Well, it's kind complicated.

Charlie:
Then simplify it.

Alan:
Ok, then. Well... I stole him.

Charlie:
Oh, Alan... I may think with my penis, but at least I think!

Charlie:
No dogs in my house, especially not stolen ones that are large enough to make me their bitch.

Alan:
In my entire life, Chester is the only living thing I ever slept with that didn't sue me for alimony.

Jake:
Hey!

Charlie:
Oh, [...] finally up the phone.

Jake:
Yeah.

Charlie:
When do you get Wendy [...] the necklace?

Jake(depressed):
I'm not.

Charlie(mocking):
What happened? Checkin'out?

Jake(depressed):
No.

Charlie(reproachful):
I don't believe it! You [...] my ass alway down of the mall. I [...] up 40 [...] for the necklace and you checkin' out?

Jake(loud):
She has dumped me old turd!

Charlie(suprised):
Oh, you couldn't tell me that before I started being an old turd?

Jake(disappointed):
I'm only twelve. I need a time machine.

Charlie:
Dude, I am really sorry. What happened?

Jake:
She decided she has a problem with mixed relationships.

Charlie(perplexed):
What, chinese and [...]?

Jake:
[...] and [...].

Charlie:
Ooooooh!

Jake:
Yeah well, I'm done with relationships. From now on I'm gonna be like you.

Charlie:
Why would you wanna be like me?

Jake:
'Cause you never fall in love with anybody, so you never get hurt.

Charlie:
Okay, listen to me. Being hurt sucks...but love is the most beautiful and noble of human emotions. It's what gives the man hope. What gives his live meaning. Don't turnin' back on love Jake. I did. And I reget it every day.

Jake(hopefully):
Really?

Charlie:
Might God strike me down if I'm lying. [Looks up and whispers: Thank you!] Alright, game's over! Let's go!

Jake:
Where we going?

Charlie:
[...] your dad out of jail.

Jake:
[...]

Charlie:
Sure, why not.

Charlie:
Hey, after the kid goes back to his mother's, you want to go out to grab some dinner?

Alan:
I can't go out to dinner, Charlie.

Charlie:
"Why not? You got a date?" he said, knowing the answer but asking anyway, just to be polite.

Alan:
"No, I don't have a date," he replied, all the while thinking, "Bite me, you booze-addled buffoon."

[Alan and Charlie find out that Judith is getting remarried]

Charlie:
A-five, six, seven, eight...

Alan:
[sings and dances] No more alimony! No more alimony! No more alimony! No more alimony!

Alan:
Why did you run away?

Jake:
Because I hate it there.

Alan:
Is this about the upcoming nuptials?

Jake:
It's nothing to do with puberty, Dad! It's about Mom getting married.

Alan:
I-- I thought you liked Dr. Melnick.

Jake:
That was when they were just dating. Now he thinks he can tell me what to do. He's not my father.

Alan:
You don't do what I tell you to do!

Jake:
Yeah, but Mom doesn't care about that.

Alan [to Jake]:
All right, buddy, I'm gonna have to tell you something pretty heavy, but... I think it's something that you're old enough to understand. You can do better than me.

Charlie:
Way better.

Charlie:
Until he [Jake] was ten, I had him convinced that swizzle sticks were money!

Alan:
Hey, hey, uh, uh, speaking of swizzle sticks, ha-- have you considered eloping to Vegas?

Herb:
Hmmm. No, we haven't--

Alan:
No, I know what you're thinking, "tacky-tacky," but... uh, it's classy and very romantic.

Charlie:
Yeah, some of the hotel rooms have those big mirrored walls. It's like watching your ass bob up and down in IMAX.

Alan:
Jake can have a little brother-- that would be a blessing for him, would it?

Herb:
Oh, I don't know if I want more kids.

Alan:
Then wear a condom. Besides, Jake's used to being an only child.

Charlie:
If there was a new one, he'd probably eat it by mistake.

[Alan is trying to hang up on Judith]

Alan:
Yeah, I-I-I... I think this phone is 'unning outta 'atteries. I 'aid, 'is 'one is 'unning outta 'atteries. 'ood-bye, 'udith. [hangs up] Think she bought it?

Charlie:
If she did, she's 'upider than 'ou.

Lydia:
So sorry to hear about your troubles.

Alan:
Troubles? What troubles?

Lydia:
Oh, maybe I have it wrong. Charlie, didn't you tell me he was divorced, broke, and living on your couch?

Charlie [to Alan]:
I don't know what she's talking about.

Charlie:
And, uh, uh, this is my housekeeper, Berta. Berta, Lydia.

Berta:
Choose your words carefully, slim.

Lydia:
"Slim?" Why, thank you. I watch what I eat.

Berta:
Going in or coming out?

Jake:
Hey Dad, do you like Uncle Charlie's new girlfriend?

Alan:
Well, I just met her the one time, so...no, not really.

Jake:
You know what she reminds me of? The girls at school who think they rule the world, just cos they got their boobs!

Alan:
Well, I hate to tell you buddy, but they kinda do!

Charlie:
[about Jake] Puberty is going to hit him like a shovel!

Waiter:
Good to have you back, Mr Harper. We haven't seen your mother here for quite some time.

Charlie:
Maybe you just didn't recognise her. Like Satan, my mother can take many forms!

[A few moments later, after the waiter has been subjected to Lydia's sarcastic and abrasive manner]

Waiter:
[in an undertone to Charlie] Many forms. I thought you were joking!

Charlie:
All right, she [Lydia] might be a bit outspoken, but I happen to find that very attractive.

Jake:
She must be dynamite in the sack.

Alan:
Where do you get this stuff from?

Jake:
Cinemax.

Charlie:
Well, not that my sex life is any of your business--

Alan:
It's not his business. It-- it's nobody's business. So, uh, what does she do for a living?

Jake:
Besides being a stone-cold bee-yotch. [Charlie and Alan stare at him] HBO.

Evelyn:
What do you do? I mean, besides my son.

Lydia:
I'm in real estate.

Evelyn:
How interesting, so am I.

Lydia:
Oh, yes, Evelyn Harper! I recognize you from your bus bench ads. People all over town are sitting on your face.

Evelyn:
Well, dear, maybe someday if you work hard, people will be sitting on your face too.

Evelyn:
So Charlie, how long have you been seeing this... lovely woman?

Charlie:
Er...how long has it been, sweetie?

Lydia:
Are you telling me you don't remember when we met?

Evelyn:
The way he drinks?! There's a good chance he doesn't remember coming down the stairs!

Lydia:
Did his father drink?

Charlie:
What choice did he have?!

Alan:
Charlie, it's OK. You've been working out your maternal issues by having sex with other women your entire life. All you're doing now is cutting out the middle man.

Charlie:
Oh, that is just sick!

Alan:
My point exactly.

Naomi:
[She's pregnant] Hi.

Alan:
Hi.

Naomi:
Yeah... I'm not sure I have the right address.

Alan:
No, you got the right address. Charlie, it's for you!

Charlie:
Who is it?

Alan:
Karma!

Charlie:
What?

Alan:
Your chickens have come home to roost.

Charlie:
Chickens? Karma? Alan, what the hell are you talking...

[Charlie sees Naomi]

Charlie:
Ohhhhhh. Charlie, it's for you!

Charlie:
Hey... Great...to see you...again.

Naomi:
Yeah, I don't think we've met.

Charlie:
Really?

Naomi:
Really.

Charlie:
(Shoves Alan) Are you trying to give me a stroke?! Is that what you're trying to do?!

Berta:
Charlie, Alan, I'd like you to meet my youngest daughter Naomi. The light of my life. A little angel who swooped down from Heaven and landed on a married man's penis.

Alan:
When Judith was pregnant with Jake, I-- I don't know if it was hormones or pheromones, but... she just couldn't get enough of me. And ever since then, every time I see a pregnant woman I just... [lustful moan]

Charlie:
OK, seriously, you got to stop that.

Alan:
I am telling you, it was nine months of the hottest sex we've ever had, even with the morning sickness and hemorrhoids.

Charlie:
Oh. Maybe that explains Jake's grades.

Alan:
The morning sickness and hemorrhoids?

Charlie:
No, the repeated blows to his unformed head.

Alan:
You are-- are such an idiot. All the experts agree that sex during pregnancy is not harmful to the baby.

Charlie:
Experts, schmexperts. Tonight when you're sleeping, I'm gonna come in and start poking you in the ear with a hot dog. See how you like it.

Charlie:
Can we pull over for a minute?

Berta:
In this neighborhood in a Mercedes? Sure, if you're partial to car theft and sodomy. Take a left right up here.

Charlie:
That's not a road.

Berta:
Well, not during rainy season.

[Charlie looks at the trash cans outside Ronald's shack]

Charlie:
Lot of cold medicine. They must have allergies or something.

Berta:
You don't watch 60 Minutes, do you?

[Berta knocks on the door. Ronald answers]

Ronald:
What?

Berta:
You Ronald?

Ronald:
No.

Darlene [inside]:
Ronald, who is it?

Ronald:
Damn it, Darlene! We're incognito, remember? [to Charlie and Berta]: You cops?

Berta:
Yeah. I'm Scully; this is Mulder.

Cop:
At least this clown didn't ask if I was Jewish.

Alan:
I-- I'm sorry, I'm a little cranky. I-- I haven't slept in two days.

Jake:
Why don't you take a pill?

Charlie:
He doesn't believe in pills.

Jake:
How can you not believe in them? They're on TV all the time!

Alan:
Let me tell you something, Jake: Big pharmaceutical companies want you to think you can take a pill for everything. Can't sleep? Take a pill. Can't wake up? Take a pill. Feeling sad? Take a pill. Can't get it up? Take a pill.

Jake:
Can't get what up?

Alan:
He's [Jake] growing up, getting a life of his own. He'll be going off to college soon. I'll only see him on holidays, only hear from him when he needs money -- not that I'll have any, I'll still be paying alimony to two ex-wives! And college tuition? That just means selling an organ or turning tricks. And for what? So that he can get a worthless piece of paper that he can then fold into a hat to wear to the fast food job that he will probably get fired from for stealing fries from the customers' bags! [he leaves the kitchen]

Jake:
I do like fries.

Alan:
Oh, would you please just get your drunken ass out of bed and stop being a waste of skin for once in your life?!

Charlie:
Well, since you said "please".

Dr. Freeman:
You dozed off for 40 minutes, Alan.

Alan:
You're gonna charge me for that?!

Dr. Freeman:
I was awake.

Charlie:
Why would I hit on Taylor's mom?

Jake:
Well, she's kind of pretty, and you'll hit on anything with a pulse.

Charlie:
Where'd you get that?

Jake:
My mom.

Charlie:
Oh. Well...

Jake:
And my dad, Berta, Rose, Grandma...

Charlie:
OK, OK!

Jake:
...the UPS man...

Charlie:
All right!

[in line at the movie theater]

Alan:
So, what do you want?

Jake:
Nachos, Red Hots, Milk Duds, popcorn, and a slushy.

Charlie:
What are you doing, building an ass bomb?

Nina:
This is such a beautiful restaurant. They don't have anything like this back home.

Alan:
Really? They-- they don't have nice restaurants in Idaho?

Nina:
Oh, well, yeah, I mean we have a T.G.I. Friday's and an Applebee's. But you never see movie stars like we do here.

Vicki:
Nina, they're just regular people.

Alan:
And technically, I-- I wouldn't call Geraldo Rivera a movie star.

[in the men's room]

Alan:
No matter how you shake and dance, the last few drops fall on your pants.

Charlie:
Maybe you shouldn't wear khakis.

Charlie:
I can't believe I missed out on a sure thing 'cause I was sitting on the can listening to you not take a crap!

Alan:
You're actually blaming me 'cause I had to go to the bathroom.

Charlie:
You didn't have to go to the bathroom! You were just trying to stick me with the check!

Alan:
Oh, oh, I see, so you know my bowels better than I do!

Charlie:
I will when I pull them out through your nostrils.

Alan:
You don't understand. The money isn't for me.

Charlie:
Really? Who's it for?

Alan:
Old Alan.

Charlie:
Old Alan?

Alan:
Yeah, you know, the Alan of the future.

Charlie:
You're kidding, they're still gonna have Alans in the future?

Alan:
No, see, [sighs] the thing is, [sighs] I've been going through kind of a rough financial time since... well, high school. Anyway, it-- it occurred to me that I could wind up an old man with no one to take care of me. I mean, who will Old Alan be able to count on? Certainly not Jake, 'cause let's face it, his best hope of a steady income is if missing the toilet becomes a professional sport.

Charlie:
[To Jake because he and Alan are going out] Don't burn the house down and if you do, don't be here when I get back.

Alan:
So you understand the situation?

Kandi:
I think so. Now that we're not married anymore, you want to sell my condo.

Alan:
No, no, it's-- it's our condo. I got it for us. Not the smartest thing I ever did, but my real estate advisor was my penis.

Kandi:
Is that what they mean when they say the market's gone soft?

Charlie:
We had fun last night, though, right?

Lydia [sarcastically]:
Oh, terrific. What woman doesn't enjoy pleasing a man who falls asleep while he's in the middle of reciprocating?

Charlie:
Well, that explains why I dreamt I was kissing Abe Lincoln.

[Lydia is in the shower]

Charlie:
I couldn't help but notice that you, uh, put some of your stuff in one of my drawers.

Lydia:
Yeah. Hey, you want to come in here and make up for last night?

Charlie:
Yeah, but I think we should talk about this drawer thing.

Lydia:
OK. [she opens the shower curtain to reveal her nude self to Charlie] Talk.

Charlie [undressing]:
Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth upon this continent a new nation...

Kandi:
But I don't want to sell the condo. I can see boats from here.

Alan:
I understand, but I can't afford the payments.

Kandi [assertively]:
I like boats!

Charlie:
[about doing laundry] OK, OK, I can do this. I just turn it on and stick 'em in.

Alan:
It's a washing machine, not a cocktail waitress. Let's start by separating her delicates.

Charlie:
How is that not like a cocktail waitress?

Alan:
[trying to ignore Charlie] The reason you need to do these separately is they're mostly synthetic.

Charlie:
Add a beat-up Civic and an ex-husband and we're back to cocktail waitress!

[while doing laundry]

Charlie:
What will they think of next?

Alan:
Yeah, I hear scientists are working on a machine that can cook two pieces of bread at the same time. Shh.

Charlie:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, very funny. Now what?

Alan:
We wait.

Charlie:
How will we know when we're done?

Alan:
Don't worry. The machine will call you on your cell phone.

Charlie:
You know what? We need to work on our communication skills.

Alan:
You know, I always thought that, but I didn't think you'd be open--

Charlie:
[interrupting] No, no, no, you jackass! God, you play along like a monkey with a mandolin!

Charlie:
Okay, she [Lydia] has some faults, but you have to admit she does have her benefits.

Berta:
Yeah? Well I aint hitting any of them benefits so I don't care.

Berta:
Hey, I'm mixing up the eggnog. You want this broad lit up or just slightly glowing?

Charlie:
Well let's see. We're celebrating peace on earth and goood will towards all mankind. So let's get her plowed!!

Berta:
Hallelujah!

Charlie:
[singing] Glooohohohohohoooohohohohohooooohohohohoooooria! Tonight I'm boinking Gloria!

Charlie:
[singing] Four call girls. Three French maids. Two drunk twins. And a lap dance in a pear tree!

Judith:
Oh, eggnog.

Herb:
Honey, we've got a long drive ahead of us. [turns to Alan] We're spending the holidays in San Diego with my parents.

Judith:
That's why I need eggnog.

Herb:
Hey, I spent Thanksgiving with your parents.

Alan:
Oh really, your mom's out of rehab?

Judith:
Yes, my mom's out of rehab.

Herb:
Actually she kind of jumped the fence.

Alan:
Well, the woman's going to be your mother-in-law, you might as well get used to it. [turns to Judith] Remember the time she rode out of Betty Ford on a lawn mower?

[Judith glares at Alan]

Alan:
On the plus side, she bakes Toll House cookies with walnuts and Demerol.

Herb:
I'm a doctor!

Kandi:
A real one, or like Alan?

Herb:
I'm a pediatrician.

Kandi:
Wow, so you're into feet.

Herb:
No, children.

Kandi:
Isn't that illegal?

Dorothy:
Listen, Alan, I'm looking for my daughter.

Alan:
Drunk blonde?

Dorothy:
Well, she isn't always blonde.

Charlie [to Gloria]:
You... have absolutely no boundaries, do you?

Gloria:
Well... I don't like fat guys.

Charlie:
Interesting. Turns out... I draw the line at incest.

Gloria:
So you'd do a fat guy?

[Rose and Berta are listening outside Charlie's room]

Rose:
Did you hear that? Charlie found his boundary!

Berta:
It's a miracle!

Rose:
A Christmas miracle.

Charlie:
You let some broad talk you into piercing your ear?

Alan:
Actually, my ear wasn't her first choice to pierce.

Jake:
What else can you pierce?

Alan and Charlie:
Nothing.

Jake:
Fine. Don't tell me. I'll Google it. [leaves]

Charlie:
Don't worry. He can't spell "pierce".

Alan:
He can't spell "Google".

Charlie:
[referring to Alan's new piercing] You do know that's the gay ear?

Alan:
What?

Charlie:
Left ear says "I'm a hipster from the disco era." Right ear says "Let's disco!!"

Naomi:
I wouldn't need a job if I joined the Army.

Berta:
You can't join the Army.

Naomi:
Why not?

Berta:
Because you already are all you can be.

Alan:
There you go. One hot chocolate for the lactating mommy.

Naomi:
Thank you.

Alan:
I see little Brittany Pam is having the grande boobaccino.

Naomi:
Yeah, and she's biting the straw.

Evelyn:
Excuse me, I'd like to say a few words before we fold up the dining room table and commence the square dancing. Alan, you are my son and I love you...but you and I are through.

[Charlie & Berta are stirring things up with what Alan is talking about]

Alan:
Come on guys, please give me a hand on this.

Berta & Charlie:
Can't help ya.

Alan:
Look, Jake, it, it, it-- it's not that you have to be particularly smart to have sex.

Berta and Charlie:
Yeah, look at your dad!

[Alan is talking to Judith and Herb because Jake can hear them in bed.]

Judith:
What did he say to you?

Alan:
Well, uh, basically he's worried that when he grows up he won't be smart enough to have sex.

Judith:
Why would he think that?

Alan:
Because he hears you giving Herb instructions like he's a blind guy in a minefield.

Alan:
[About what people like in sex] Say you like banana cream pie...

Jake:
I do like banana cream pie.

Alan:
Well, good. But say you like it but, you never told me you did so I always brought home another kind...

Jake:
[Interrupting] I just told you I like it.

Berta:
Well I should go if I don't wanna miss my bus.

Alan:
Goodnight Berta.

Jake:
Hey Dad, you know what more keeps on her night stand?

Berta:
You know what, I'll take a cab.

Alan:
What?

Jake:
A bottle of whipped cream.

Alan:
So?

Jake:
So, either whipped cream has something to do with sex or mom hides pie in her dresser too.

Evelyn [to Hiroshi]:
Uh, Charlie is my number one son.

Charlie:
Yeah, but she treats me like number two.

Evelyn:
Anyway, I have to string Mr. Goto along until I have something to show him that actually is for sale.

Charlie:
Oh, I understand. It's called a bait and switch, and it's a felony.

Evelyn:
Oh, well, look at you taking the moral high ground, and with nary a bottle or whore in sight. Bravo.

[Charlie tells Alan the story about how he saw his mother in bed with a man when Charlie was eight years old]

Charlie:
Anyway, at some point they realized I was standing there, and the guy said to me, "Don't worry, Speed Racer. I'm not hurting your mom."

Alan:
Speed Racer?

Charlie:
Remember, I had the Speed Racer pajamas?

Alan:
Oh, yeah! Yeah! Our Christmas pajamas! You got Speed Racer, and I got Laverne & Shirley. So typical, I'm--

Charlie:
This is not about you, Alan! This is about a horrible moment in my life that I completely repressed: Mom and the man with a big red mustache. Oh, God. I just realized why Yosemite Sam always made me nauseous! [sighs] And I'll tell you the worst part...

Alan:
Worse than Laverne & Shirley pajamas?

Charlie:
Alan...

Alan:
I am amazed I'm not a raging queen.

Charlie:
We all are!

Alan:
Hey, at least I didn't talk him [Jake] into putting crotchless panties on a Butterball turkey!

Charlie:
Oh, right. Best Thanksgiving ever.

Alan:
You told me it's how the Pilgrims got through the harsh winter.

Charlie:
Oh God, it's all coming back.[Remembering the men he has seen his mother have sex with as a child] Uncle Joe, Uncle Steve, Uncle Jorje. Oh God...[looks terrified] Uncle Jorge. And I wasn't related to any one of them.

Rose:
Wow.

Charlie:
Yeah. Tell me about it. Not only was Aunt Wendy not my aunt, there was no snakebite on her boob!

Charlie:
Again, I'm sorry. Mea culpa. Now if you'll excuse me, mea going upstairs for a culpa hours.

Berta [removing groceries from the bag]:
Salted butter... salted butter. Extra-large eggs... extra large eggs. Acidophilus milk... two-percent milk, you whiny pinhead.

Charlie:
Morning.

Berta:
Hey, how you feeling?

Charlie:
Not too bad, really.

Berta:
That was some fall you took.

Charlie:
Yeah, if I hadn't been plastered, it might have killed me.

Berta:
You think the liquor industry would promote that.

Charlie:
It is a selling point. Right up there with making ugly people doable.

Danielle:
You men are all alike. Isn't there anyone left who just wants to get married and raise a family?

Charlie:
Yeah, but they're all gay.

Charlie:
[About Alan's date with Danielle] Okay, on this date don't talk about your stupid hobbies or your depressing problems.

Alan:
So what do we talk about?

Charlie:
Her stupid hobbies! Her depressing problems! Okay. I'm gonna make up some reason I have can't go and then you can go on a date.

Alan:
Charlie, I'm not sure...

Danielle:
[Enters] Okay I'm ready to go.

Charlie:
Oh darn...

Alan:
What do you mean you have to go!... I mean what's wrong?

Charlie:
I just remembered I have a lot of work to do at home.

Danielle:
Should we reschedule?

Charlie:
No, no, no. You guys should go ahead. I'm sure you'll have fun.

Alan:
Alright. [Goes off] So Danielle, you have any hobbies or, problems?

Charlie:
She just moved next door. She's gorgeous, divorced, and loaded!

Alan:
Mm-hmm... What's wrong with her?

Charlie:
Why does something have to be wrong with her?

Alan:
Because there's only two reasons you ever set me up with a woman. Either you need somebody to keep the emotionally disturbed or cross-eyed or hermaphroditic best friend busy while you do the pretty girl, or... OK, I guess there's just one reason.

Charlie:
There is nothing wrong with Danielle. Berta, is she or is she not gorgeous?

Berta:
Hey, I'd do her.

Danielle [drunkenly]:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. There is no need to fight over me! Alan, you're a sweet, gentle guy. Charlie, you're a pig, but I find you very attractive. There's only one reasonable solution: I'll have to do you both.

Charlie [to Alan]:
No crossing swords.

Alan:
Are you out of your mind? You're actually considering this?

Charlie:
Yeah, you're right. I don't even like eating dinner next to you.

Rose:
Do you know what an aqueduct is?

Jake:
Uh... something to do with water.

Rose:
And...?

Jake:
A duck?

Berta:
Name three contributions the Roman Empire made to civilization.

Charlie:
Orgies, wine, and bulimia. Go ahead, ask me about the Greeks.

[Charlie is reading Alan's online dating profile]

Alan:
Are you gonna let me explain or not?

Charlie:
What's to explain? You have a Malibu beach house and you're the... "Chiropractor to the Stars".

Alan:
Oh, OK, what do you want me to call myself? "Chiropractor to Fat People in the Valley"? Everybody exaggerates on these things.

Charlie:
OK, I can understand that. You're probably not gonna get a lot of responses to "bushy-nosed cheapskate, enjoys long walks to a free meal."

Alan:
Exactly.

Charlie:
Leanne, tell me something. Is it just me, or is the crowd in here getting younger?

Leanne:
No, the crowd's the same age it's always been. You, on the other hand, are not.

Charlie:
I'm not old. Forty's the new thirty, right?

Leanne [chuckling]:
Not the way you live, pal.

Charlie [runs out on the deck]:
Rose? Climb up here! I want to talk to you!

Beverly:
Are you sure you're the loser brother?

Alan:
That's always been the consensus.

Alan:
Charlie, that lovely lady in there brought her toothbrush 'cause I have a penis and a job!

Charlie:
Rose! [to Alan]: How is she gonna brush your job?

Alan:
No, no, you don't understand--

Charlie:
I don't have time for this, Alan! [he walks back inside and heads toward the front door]

Beverly:
Charlie, are you OK?

Charlie:
Yeah, I just can't find my damn stalker. [leaves]

Beverly:
He can't find his stalker?

Alan:
They're usually in the last place you look.

[Rose is getting ready to leave]

Rose:
Oh, I almost forgot. I thought you should have this. It's our first restraining order. Look how shaky your signature was. You were so spooked.

[Charlie has a Mexican-style mustache painted on him]

Alan:
Jake, I said no!

Jake:
I didn't do it!

Berta:
He didn't.

[Charlie coughs, then sits down at the table]

Charlie:
What are you staring at?

Jake:
Nothing, señor.

[outside the nightclub]

Charlie:
Listen, why don't you check your list for... Jackson. [shows a $20 bill] Andrew Jackson.

Bruno [takes the money]:
Nope. Got Tito and La Toya.

Charlie:
OK, what if I changed my name to... [takes out a $50 bill] Ulysses S. Grant?

Bruno:
You can change your name to Condoleezza Rice. If you're not on the list and you're not a celebrity, you're not getting in.

Alan:
What do you want from me? I-- I went out to the club, I went to the after-hours club, I went out to breakfast! I held my date's hair while she vomited pancakes in the parking lot!

Charlie:
Well, if you weren't whining about wanting to go home, you'd be having sex with her right now.

Alan:
Oh, darn. What man doesn't dream of kissing second-hand pancakes?

Alan:
Oh, let's face it: we're both too old for the MTV lifestyle.

Charlie:
MTV? Did they just defrost you?

Dr. Prajneep:
What have you had to eat recently?

Charlie:
Nothing much.

Alan:
He had Belgian waffles, link sausages, two Red Bulls, a quart of Scotch, and the tongue of a twenty-four-year-old actress.

Charlie:
He asked me what I ate.

Alan:
And I told him.

Dr Pranjeep:
[About Charlie's test results] It's fine, you are perfectly healthy 50 year old man.

Charlie:
I'm only 40.

Dr Pranjeep:
Tell that to your liver.

Alan:
[Outside Charlie's hospital room] You doctors better help him fast! That's my brother in there! If he dies I'm homeless! [Enters Charlie's room] They're coming soon.

Charlie:
[Who thinks he is going to die] Alan I need you to know something about my will. I left the house to you and Jake.

Alan:
Yes!!.... You're going to live

Charlie:
Yeah, just in case I don't, it has two mortgages and the land costs $50,000 a year.

Alan:
So what you're saying is...

Charlie:
It's a house of cards, Alan.

Alan:
Uh huh. [Steps outside] Do you need to go to Canada to get some decent medical care! Alright you doctors, I didn't wanna have to play this card but I am Matthew Broderick!

Dr. Pranjeep:
Oh Matthew Broderick, I loved you in Family Business! [Enters Charlie's room]]

Alan:
You'll going to Mom's funeral, won't you?

Charlie:
Of course! As the eldest son it's my obligation to pound in the stake.

Alan:
Typical. Nothing for Alan to do.

Charlie:
OK, you can cut off her head and hold it up for the villagers.

Jake:
Yo, mad props on the sandwich, Dad. This PB & J is off the hook!

Alan:
Excuse me?

Charlie:
He's been watching MTV Cribs. The kid's a sponge.

Jake:
For shizzle, my dizzle

Berta:
Hey, M.C. Skidmark, here's something else you left in your pants.

Alan:
What is it?

Jake:
It's a birthday card, Mom's making me give it to Grandma. Whack! Right?

Berta:
You said it Poop Dog.

Store clerk:
Have you considered a nice perfume [for Evelyn]? Do you know her scent?

Alan:
Uh, actually, I don't.

Charlie:
I do.

Alan:
You do?

Charlie:
Yep. Do you carry Chanel No. 666?

Jake:
So, do you have a PlayStation or an Xbox?

Changpu:
I have a cello.

Jake:
What do you play on that?

Changpu:
Beethoven, Brahms, Bach, Shostakovich.

Jake:
So... no Grand Theft Auto?

Jake:
No offense, but "Smoke on the Water" does not begin with "Crap on the Water".

Changpu:
My apologies.

Alan:
I'm just saying, maybe they have something that we don't and that's why she wants them.

Charlie:
Who wants two gay guys and a Chinese kid?

Jake:
Yo man! This bling is off the hook!

Charlie:
Hey Jake, you're a pasty, white kid, start acting like one!

Roger:
Evelyn, we have a surprise for you. Changpu is going to play his cello.

Jake:
What the heck?

Charlie:
Shhh, Shampoo's about to play his cello.

Alan:
Knock 'em dead at the audition.

Kandi:
Thanks. And thanks for lending me your chiropractor coat. It makes me feel like a real doctor.

Charlie:
Now you know why Alan wears it.

Charlie:
Hey, what's your hurry? If she [Kandi] becomes a big TV star while you're still married, she'll have to pay you alimony!

Alan:
Yeah. And if pigs start flying out of my rear end, we'll have free bacon for the rest of our lives!

Jake:
I don't know that I'd eat that bacon.

Charlie:
All right, look, it doesn't help to whine about it. If you wanna get lost in the woods with Jerky Gerkenheimer, go do it.

Alan:
My life is just one big joke to you, isn't it?

Charlie:
Actually, it's more of a limerick. There once was a moron named Al, who wanted to camp with his pal... Any chance you can go camping in Nantucket?

Alan:
[About Jake growing up] Pretty soon there'll be no more playing catch or riding bikes. Do you realize I've never even taken him fishing, or camping, or hunting?

Charlie:
Do you know how to fish, or camp, or, hunt?

Alan:
No, I thought we would learn together.

Charlie:
Oh that sounds good. You and knucklehead out in the woods, taking turns shooting each other in the ass.

Jake:
Hey, Dad, when this is over, wanna play catch?

Alan:
It's dark out.

Jake:
Okay. [to Charlie] I tried.

[Jake has put pin-up girls all over his room, then puts on a pair of Harry Potter glasses.]

Jake:
(Imitating Harry Potter) 'Ello ladies!

Charlie:
What's the big deal? It's just an alimony check.

Alan:
Not an alimony check. This is my final alimony check. Isn't it beautiful?

Charlie:
Oh, right! Judith is getting married this weekend!

Alan:
Exactly. And you know what that means?

Charlie:
You can finally kick in a few bucks around here?

Alan:
Good one. No. It means Alan gets new underwear.

[Alan rings the doorbell]

Judith:
You wanna get the door, Herb?

Herb:
Stop yelling at me!

Judith:
I'm not yelling! THIS IS YELLING!

Alan:
You know what? This really isn't that funny. [throws the oversized alimony check aside]

Herb [answering the door]:
Oh, hi, Alan, Charlie.

Alan:
Herb, is this a bad time?

Herb:
The Spanish Inquisition was a "bad time". This is hell.

[Herb is taking the garbage out per Judith's orders while Judith is yelling at Charlie and Myra]

Judith:
WHY IS NO ONE LISTENING TO ME??!!

Herb:
(from outside) I'M DOING IT!!! LOOK!!!

Herb:
[Repeated line] You're sugar-coating Hell, Alan.

Myra [to Alan]:
So how does this work? Do you get your original testicles back or does my brother give you his?

Herb:
Myra, the castration jokes are getting a little old.

Charlie:
Not in my house.

Alan [to Judith on the phone]:
I'll tell him [Charlie] to keep his hands off Myra. And then, I'll tell the rain not to fall, the earth not to spin, and you to STOP NAGGING ME! [hangs up] Oh, boy, I'm gonna pay for that.

Berta:
You know what your problem is? Phone cojones.

Alan:
Excuse me?

Berta:
When you're on the phone with her, you got boulders between your legs. The minute you hang up, you're as smooth as a Ken doll.

Alan:
You know, Charlie, there's a special section in Hell reserved for people like you.

Charlie:
That's good, because I'd hate to have to stand on line.

Myra:
[About why Judith doesn't like her] Maybe it's hair, maybe it's my job, maybe it's my hobbies or maybe it's because I offered my brother a thousand dollars not to marry her.

Charlie:
I know what you mean. I did the same to my brother.

Myra:
Really?

Charlie:
Well, actually it was a thousand dollar hooker.

[after Alan finds out that Myra was sleeping with Charlie]

Alan:
OK, um, let me just start, uh, by saying I applaud the, uh, the gusto with which you approach life.

Charlie:
Thank you.

Alan:
Um, that being said, uh, are you, um, out of your FREAKIN' MIND?!

Charlie:
Beg pardon?

Alan:
You just could not control yourself; 'A female is in the house, she must be mounted!'

Charlie:
No, it's not like that at all, and why do you even care?

Alan:
Why?! You ask me why?! I will tell you why: because every time you rut with any woman even remotely connected to my life, I end up suffering!

Charlie:
Oh, that's ridiculous!

Alan:
Ridiculous, you say? Alright, alright let's look at the record. You slept with Judith's sister...

Charlie:
Well yeah-

Alan:
At my wedding reception! You had more sex on my wedding day that I did!

Charlie:
That part's not my fault!

Alan:
Ok, let's jump ahead. When Judith was divorcing me, who seduced and then abandoned my lawyer, causing her to take revenge on me?!

Charlie:
Hold on, that chick was nuts!

Alan:
I lost everything!

Charlie:
To be fair, you didn't have that much to begin with!

Alan:
And now that Judith is finally getting remarried, and I can see the light at the end of the alimony tunnel, you decide "Hey, why don't I start humping her new sister-in-law?"!

Charlie:
That is not how it happened!

Alan:
I don't care how it happened! I only care how it's gonna end, and it's gonna end badly for me!

Charlie:
How?! Explain how!

Alan:
I don't know yet! That's always part of the fun; trying to guess how your penis is going to bite me in the ass!

Jake:
I don't understand why I can't have the blue tuxedo.

Alan:
Because you're going to your mother's wedding, not hosting a game show on Telemundo.

Charlie:
This relationship isn't based on sex!

Berta:
Not based on sex? Well, unless she sweats Bourbon and farts $100 bills, what exactly is going to keep you together?

Berta:
What's going on?

Jake:
I had to sleep in Dad's room last night, 'cause Uncle Charlie invited Aunt Myra to stay in my room, but it turns out--

Berta:
Got it.

Alan:
OK, listen, we-- we haven't really, uh, talked about what all this means.

Jake:
What what means?

Alan:
All the big changes that are happening.

Jake:
It's just a couple of hairs, Dad. It's not that big a deal.

[Alan and Herb's ex-fiancée are locked in the coatroom during Herb and Judith's wedding. Alan is trying to break out.]

Woman [loudly so the wedding can hear her]:
Oh, Alan Harper, you animal! I can't believe Judith let you go! Oh, God, Alan Harper, oh, God! Oh, don't stop, Alan Harper! Please don't stop! Oh, Alan Harper, I feel like a woman again!

Alan [busting into the wedding]:
I'm Alan Harper, and I'm not having sex!

[Alan is drinking in the dark]

Alan:
How was the reception?

Charlie:
Kind of a letdown after the ceremony. But you'll be happy to know your little outburst is already on YouTube.

Alan:
Damn camera phones.

Alan:
You think I joined a support group to pick up women?

Charlie:
No, I think you joined a support 'cause you're a whiny little wuss. But as long as you're there, you might as well nail a few.

Charlie:
Berta, how long have you been working for me?

Berta:
Define "working".

Alan:
Your mom will be here any minute! I-- I thought I told you to get ready!

Jake:
I'm ready.

Alan:
Did you do your homework?

Jake:
No.

Alan [scoffs]:
Jake, I promised your mother you'd have it done!

Jake:
Well, next time you'll know better!

Berta:
I'm proud of you, Zippy. The world is a much happier place once you figure out whether you're the pin or the cushion.

Greg:
Alan, you're not gay.

Alan:
Are you sure?

Greg:
Do you find me sexually attractive?

Alan:
No.

Greg:
Do you find any man sexually attractive?

Alan:
No. Uh, well, oh, maybe George Clooney.

Charlie:
[drunk] Ah, cars. Where would we be without cars? And how would we get there? (drops onion) Run, Run, You're Free!

Berta:
Sometimes when people drink, they do things they wouldn't normally do. Me, I like to walk into a biker bar and take a swing at the biggest chick there.

[on their way to the track]

Jake:
How much can I bet?

Charlie:
How much did you bring?

Jake:
I have to use my own money?

Charlie:
Boy, you really are your father's son, aren't you?

Jake:
OK... [looking in his wallet] I have fourteen dollars.

Charlie:
That's not gonna get you very far.

Jake:
Um... oh, and I have a fifty-dollar gift certificate to Pizza Hut. Wanna buy it?

Charlie:
Sure, I'll give you twenty-five bucks.

Jake:
But it's worth fifty.

Charlie:
To who?

Jake:
To Pizza Hut.

Charlie:
Well, then let the good folks at Pizza Hut place a bet for you.

Alan:
What a day. Just sitting and sitting and sitting.

Charlie:
Huh.

Alan:
It was like jury duty, without the fun of sending someone to jail.

Charlie:
It's just money, Alan.

Alan:
Well, I don't want him to think like that!

Charlie:
Oh, much better he think like you? Squirreling away every dime he makes so he'll have it handy for alimony payments and phone sex?

Alan:
For the last time, I misdialed!

Charlie:
Yeah, every Wednesday night for twenty minutes.

Charlie:
(still drunk; after Alan opens the door) Oh, hey Alan, come on in!

Alan:
Why don't you come in here?

Charlie:
Can't, I lost my key. (pause; then Charlie holds up his keys) DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Jake:
She [Chloe] brought soup.

Charlie:
Why would she bring soup?

Alan:
You told her you had a bug, so she assumed it was bronchial. If you'd been more specific like I suggested, you could have precluded this. Nobody just drops by when they think you have diarrhea.

Charlie:
I'm not jealous!

Alan:
Charlie, you want to fire this guy [Fernando] just because he's younger and better looking than you.

Jake:
And he can sing.

Charlie:
This has nothing to do with that, and I can sing too!

Jake:
Yeah, but you stink.

Charlie:
Alan, you know the difference between you and me?

[Charlie falls through the deck]

Alan:
Yeah! I wouldn't fire the handyman before he finishes!

[Fernando comes out of Chloe's bedroom in his boxers.]

Charlie:
About to sleep with my girlfriend?!

Fernando:
OK [as in, "OK, that sounds better.] About to.

Evelyn:
Teddy lives in Denver but he does a lot of business in L.A., so I helped him find a little pied-à-terre in Century City.

Jake:
What's a "pied-à-terre"?

Evelyn:
It's French for "a place to play hanky-panky with Grandma".

Alan and Charlie:
Mom!

Evelyn:
Oh, relax, it's not gonna scar him.

Alan:
Yeah, but what about us?

Charlie:
Look, Alan, I have no interest in hanging out with Mom's boyfriend du jour.

Alan:
Why not? He seems like a great guy.

Charlie:
He might be the greatest guy in the world, but he'll end up like every other husband or boyfriend she's ever had. Either she'll dump him, he'll dump her, or he'll die under suspicious circumstances. No matter what, you're left standing on the curb with your fishing pole on the first day of summer vacation, waiting for a Chrysler LeBaron that never comes!

Teddy:
Charlie, when you get to be my age, most of your friends are either married or dead.

Charlie:
What's the difference?

Teddy:
The dead ones smell up my plane.

Teddy:
Unbelievable. An eighteen-second fight. Takes me longer to start peeing.

Evelyn:
As I said, Teddy's fine, but there are some areas in which he just... doesn't measure up... to Hugo.

Alan and Charlie:
Oh, Mom!

Evelyn:
It's the biggest I've ever seen. Makes it worth eating dinner at 3:30.

[Alan and Charlie comes back home after eating dinner outside]

Alan:
Do you know what's the problem with sushi?

Charlie:
You mean besides eating it with you?

Alan:
It's all fleshy and flappy and wet. Feels unnatural against my tongue.

Charlie:
Hey, Alan?

Alan:
What?

Charlie:
I think I know why your marriages didn't work out.

Charlie:
And don't tell Berta she [Lydia] was here.

Alan:
Fine. Just give me a heads up when you're lying.

Charlie:
I'm always lying. I'll give you a heads up when I'm not. [leaves]

Alan:
Yeah you're the smart one. Know how I know? The washing machine called and told me [sits on the couch]

[pause] Ooh high heels and cool whip! [excitedly rushes out the front door]

Jake:
Stuff never goes back in the box the way it came out.

Charlie:
That's a life lesson, Jake.

Rose:
How could you have a Christmas party and not invite me?

Charlie:
This isn't a Christmas party.

Rose:
Well, what do you call it?

Charlie:
The beginning of a news story that ends with the phrase "He then turned the gun on himself".

Alan:
Jake can hear you two in bed.

Judith:
Oh, God... oh god...

Herb:
He didn't hear THAT.