Two and a Half Men, Season 4

[after Alan finds out that Myra was sleeping with Charlie]

Alan:
OK, um, let me just start, uh, by saying I applaud the, uh, the gusto with which you approach life.

Charlie:
Thank you.

Alan:
Um, that being said, uh, are you, um, out of your FREAKIN' MIND?!

Charlie:
Beg pardon?

Alan:
You just could not control yourself; 'A female is in the house, she must be mounted!'

Charlie:
No, it's not like that at all, and why do you even care?

Alan:
Why?! You ask me why?! I will tell you why: because every time you rut with any woman even remotely connected to my life, I end up suffering!

Charlie:
Oh, that's ridiculous!

Alan:
Ridiculous, you say? Alright, alright let's look at the record. You slept with Judith's sister...

Charlie:
Well yeah-

Alan:
At my wedding reception! You had more sex on my wedding day that I did!

Charlie:
That part's not my fault!

Alan:
Ok, let's jump ahead. When Judith was divorcing me, who seduced and then abandoned my lawyer, causing her to take revenge on me?!

Charlie:
Hold on, that chick was nuts!

Alan:
I lost everything!

Charlie:
To be fair, you didn't have that much to begin with!

Alan:
And now that Judith is finally getting remarried, and I can see the light at the end of the alimony tunnel, you decide "Hey, why don't I start humping her new sister-in-law?"!

Charlie:
That is not how it happened!

Alan:
I don't care how it happened! I only care how it's gonna end, and it's gonna end badly for me!

Charlie:
How?! Explain how!

Alan:
I don't know yet! That's always part of the fun; trying to guess how your penis is going to bite me in the ass!