The Young Ones, Series 2

Neil:
I'm writing to my bank manager, see what you think, OK? "Dear bank manager..."

Mike:
Yeah?

Neil:
Well, that's it. I'm quite pleased with it so far.

Mike:
Oh, well, it's a strong opening, certainly.

Vyvyan:
I don't like the "dear". Sounds a bit too much like "will you go to bed with me?"

Neil:
Nicely spotted, Vyvyan. What do you think instead?

Vyvyan:
What about "darling"?

Neil:
"Darling bank manager..."

Rick:
Oh, no, no, no, no! Not "bank manager". It's far too crawly bum-lick. Tell it like it is, put "fascist bully boy".

Neil:
"Darling fascist bully boy..."

Mike:
That's nice, yeah, so far so good, so what do you want to say?

Neil:
Well, basically I want to ask him if I can have, like, an extension on my overdraft, but I know there must be a better way of putting it than that.

Mike:
Well, what about, "give me some more money"?

Vyvyan:
"You bastard"

Neil:
Don't you think that's a bit strong?

Mike:
No, Neil, people like that respect strength.

Neil:
Yeah, you're right. "Darling fascist bully boy, give me some more money, you bastard..." Uh... "Love, Neil."

Vyvyan:
Not "love, Neil"! That sounds far too much like "come and get it like a bitch-funky sex machine".

Neil:
Yeah, you're right. Uh... What about "yours sincerely"?

Rick:
Oh, come off it, Neil! If you're going to be that sycophantic, why don't you go there now and stick your tongue straight down the back of his trousers?

Neil:
Oh, look, I know, I know, why not put "Boomshanka"?

Mike:
Ahh... that's hard to tell, Neil. What does it mean?

Neil:
It means "May the seed of your loins be fruitful in the belly of your woman".

Rick:
Ah-ha! And WHAT makes you think your bank manager's a man?

Neil:
His beard.

Mike:
He'll never understand "Boomshanka". You'll have to write the whole thing out.

Neil:
Right, okay, here we go. "Darling fascist bully boy, give me some more money, you bastard. May the seed of your loins be fruitful in the belly of your woman, Neil."

Rick:
Well, if that doesn't work, I don't know what will.

Mike:
The only problem is we're running out of fuel. [scrunches the letter up and hands it to Vyvyan] Vyv, chuck it on the fire. [Vyvyan does so and all four scramble toward the fire, trying to get warm]