The Young Ones, Series 2

Rick:
Honestly, I don't know why I bother sometimes.

Vyvyan:
I don't know why you bother ever.

Neil:
Why didn't you cook your own tea, Vyvyan?

Vyvyan:
Because I do not cook the tea, Neil, you do! That's what we agreed when we first came: you do the cooking, I'll look after the plants and the goldfish.

Neil:
Yeah, and what did you make me cook on that first day?

Vyvyan:
Er, sausages! It was a Tuesday.

Neil:
Yeah, sausages and?

Vyvyan:
Sausages and plants and goldfish! Look, I've discharged my responsibilities, Neil - now you discharge yours.

Neil:
I mean, come on guys, you can tell me, truthfully, do I smell?

Mike:
Yes.

Neil:
Come on guys, I can handle it, you can tell me, do I sme- what do you mean, yes?

Vyvyan:
We mean, yes you smell. Smelly.

Neil:
[clearly not handling it] Oh, great. Yeah.

Rick:
I feel sorry for you, you zeros! You nobodies! What's going to live on after you die? I'll tell you: nothing! That's what! [struggling to hang himself] Oh, this is pathetic!

[he gives up trying to hang himself, then sees a jar of pills and attempts to overdose]

Neil:
[upon seeing Rick eating the pills] Vyv, Vyv--er, can you, like, actually kill yourself with laxative pills?

Vyvyan:
I don't know Neil, but I'm going to stay and find out!

Neil:
I think I'm going up to my room for a bit!

[Rick swallows pills in front of Neil as he leaves]

Rick:
This house will become a shrine, and punks and skins and rastas will all gather round and hold their hands in sorrow for their fallen leader. And all the grown-ups will say, "But why are the kids crying?" And the kids will say, "Haven't you heard? Rick is dead! The People's Poet is dead!"

[Vyvyan crouches down to watch Rick's rear as he talks]

Rick:
And then one particularly sensitive and articulate teenager will say, "Other kids, do you understand nothing? How can Rick be dead when we still have his poems?" And then another kid will say... [he then farts loudly and realises what he's been taking]

Pack of matches:
Don't look at me. I'm irrelevant.

Mike:
Right, that's it, we're going to the launderette, now!

Vyvyan:
We can't Mike.

Mike:
Why not?

Vyvyan:
Because they don't open for another eight hours. It's midnight.

Mike:
Right, that's it, we're going upstairs to bed very fast, now.

[close-up on the guys' feet as they run up the stairs. Immediately the light comes up, a cock crows, and close-up on their feet as they run down the stairs. The guys alight in the living room. The actors are all in the wrong characters and costumes.]

"Vyvyan":
[Rik Mayall dressed as Vyvyan] Ah, morning! Completely brilliant! Let's go to the launderette.

"Rick":
[Nigel Planer dressed as Rick] Oh, oh, so it's completely brilliant. And now we've all got to go to the launderette just because Vyvyan says so! It's like we're living in Nazi Germany. Neil, I hate you.

"Neil":
[Christopher Ryan dressed as Neil] Oh, wow, don't bring me down and hassle me, Rick. I'm really confused. [to camera] I'm just not feeling myself today.

"Rick":
Mike, you could do a really good joke, couldn't you, about feeling yourself!

"Vyvyan":
[grabbing "Rick" by the collar] Shut up, or I'll kill you!

"Mike":
[Adrian Edmonson dressed as Mike] OK, guys, come on. As the one guy said to the other guy when he was getting fed up, I'm getting fed up. I want to wash my smalls, and I don't mean dip my tiddlies in a glass of water. Let's go!

"Vyvyan":
Right. [points to "Rick"'s hat] And take that stupid girly bonnet off!

["Rick" takes off his hat, and Neil's long hair tumbles out]

"Neil":
Right, let's go.

[They all jump up into the air and disappear. Cut to a city street outside the launderette. The guys appear, and the actors are now back in the correct characters]

Vyvyan:
God! That was quick!

[They enter the launderette. Vyvyan's dust-bin liner full of laundry emits green smoke. A pair of knickers is too slow in following him. Vyvyan points at the knickers.]

Vyvyan:
Oi!

[The knickers fly into the launderette after him. Several people flee the launderette, choking and gagging]

Rick:
I've told you a million times, do not exaggerate!

Washing Machine:
[spits out the guys' dirty clothes] No way!

Neil:
Oh, wow! Techno-fear! It's happening again, all the machines are ganging up on me! Vyvyan!

Vyvyan:
Get out of the way, Neil! Me and machinery have a very special understanding. Now then, don't give me any gyp, you bastard. [All the machines close on them] Oh dear! [clears throat] This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence. [to machine] Oh, la-di-dah! Look what I found in my laundry bag! All of Felicity Kendal's underwear, and it needs a good wash!

Washing Machine:
[opens up] Phwoar!

Vyvyan:
Now!

[Rick and Mike frantically load the clothes into the machine while Vyvyan and Neil hold it open]

Vyvyan:
"Do not lean out of the window." I wonder why?

[Vyvyan leans out of the window, only to have his head cut off whilst going through a tunnel]

Vyvyan:
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

[The headless Vyvyan winds up pulling the communication cord, stopping the train]

Rick:
Oh, good heavens, what now?!

Mike:
Somebody must have pulled the communication cord.

Rick:
Well, it wasn't me, matey. If British Rail want 50 pounds, they can just about bloomin' well go out and become a prostitute, which they virtually are anyway, come to think of it... [turns to camera] ...right, commuters?

Neil:
Oh no, we'll never get there on time now!

Mike:
Relax, Neil, Bambi's a personal friend. I introduced him to Walt Disney.

[On the tracks outside, Vyvyan's headless body is stumbling around, while his head shouts at him]

Vyvyan's head:
Over here! Over here! I'm over here, and hurry up about it, will you! [Vyvyan's body stands over his head] You took your time, you bastard!

Mike:
[to the guard] Evening, officer. University Challenge, Scumbag College.

Guard:
Yeah, hang on, hang on... [checks his clipboard] You were supposed to be here two weeks ago.

Neil:
Well, we had to walk the last 200 miles.

Mike:
Didn't you get our message? Neil, why didn't you phone our message?

Guard:
[checking his clipboard] We did get a message, yes... "Beep beep beep, oh no heavy, the coins keep coming out, beep beep beep, even the telephone hates me, beep beep beep, I wish there were no machines, and everyone led a pastoral existence, trees and flowers don't deliberately cool you out and go beep in your ear."

Neil:
Yeah, that's the message, didn't you get it?

Guard:
Yeah, that was on the 24th. [Vyvyan attempts to enter the studio with a pig] 'Ere, hang on! What's that?

Vyvyan:
It's my mascot!

Guard:
A pig?

Vyvyan:
No!

Guard:
It is.

Vyvyan:
It's not, it's a ferret. It's a deformed ferret, I'll grant you that. So severely deformed in fact that it looks a little bit like a pig.

Guard:
Looks exactly like a pig.

Vyvyan:
Yes, well, it certainly has been remarked upon. In fact, just as John Merrick is known as "The Elephant Man", Bacon Sandwich here is known as the Pig Ferret.

Guard:
Bacon Sandwich? Funny name for a ferret, isn't it?

Vyvyan:
Aha! And that's where I had you fooled because it's not a ferret, it's a pig.

Mike:
Well done, Vyv, you've certainly got him there.

Rick:
Have you had enough, Nazi, or do you want some more? [gives guard the 2-finger salute]

Pig:
[in thought balloon] That's nothing; someone called me a policeman the other day.

[Bambi enters]

Guard:
Good morning, Mr. Gascoigne, sir.

Bambi:
Scumbag College? So you finally made it.

Mike:
Bambi, Bambi, my main man! So good to see you. You're looking good, albeit you've lost a lot of fur since we last met, and you're walking on two legs now I see, but still the same old Bambi!

[Neil is crying softly]

Rick:
Shut up, Neil, shut up! What's the matter?

Neil:
I'm sorry, everybody. I'm sorry, Bambi. I'm just remembering, like, that bit when you got lost in the snow, and the little rabbit found you, it was so beautiful...

Vyvyan:
Yeah, I liked the bit where you shoved the drill in the virgin otter's face.

Neil:
That wasn't in "Bambi", Vyvyan!

Vyvyan:
It was in the sequel, Neil. "Bambi Goes Crazy Ape Bonkers with His Drill and Sex".

Neil:
[gravely] Is that true, Bambi? Did you do a Disney nasty?

Bambi:
So what if I did? I'm not apologising. My life collapsed after "Bambi". I was a lovable fawn, all right, unusable for anything else. I took the Babycham stuff, sure, thanks to Mike here, but... I was finished. When the porn "Bambi" came along, well, I thought, this is where I get something back... If it hadn't been for the chance to present University Challenge and start a new life, I'd be giving executive relief to woodland creatures to this very day.

Rick:
Well, are you going to let us win?

Bambi:
No, of course not, the posh kids win, they always do. Come on.

[on his way out, Vyvyan leaves the pig with the guard]

Bambi:
Hello, and welcome to another edition of University Challenge. This week, the teams represent Footlights College, Oxbridge...

Audience:
Rah! Rah! Rah! We're going to smash the oiks!

Bambi:
Yes, that's the spirit. And Scumbag College.

S.P.G.:
Oh aye! Up Scumbag! Up Scumbag!

[Audience boo at Scumbag]

S.P.G.:
See you, Teddy bear! Come here! [hits Teddy bear]

Bambi:
Yes, well representing Footlights, we have Lord Monty...

Lord Monty:
Hello.

Bambi:
Lord Snot...

[Lord Snot gives a posh-sounding laugh and sips champagne]

Bambi:
Ms. Money-Sterling...

[Ms. Money-Sterling also gives a posh-sounding laugh and sips champagne]

Bambi:
...and Mr. Kendal Mintcake.

Kendal Mintcake:
Hi!

Bambi:
And representing Scumbag, we have Mike...

Mike:
Hello.

Bambi:
Prick...

[A startled Rick looks to see a 'p' written in front of his name]

Bambi:
Vyvyan... and Neil.

Neil:
Vegetable rights and peace.

Bambi:
So, your starter for ten, no conferring. Born in 1311 of Manchurian stock, he came to...

[Neil buzzes in]

Voice-over:
Scumbag, Neil.

Neil:
Er, can I go to the toilet, please?

Bambi:
No, I'm sorry, you're barking up the wrong tree there. Five-point penalty to Scumbag, full question to Footlights, no conferring. [continuing the question] He came to represent the modal cathodic slip-weight of the...

[Lord Monty buzzes in]

Voice-over:
Footlights, Monty.

Lord Monty:
Er, now, wasn't it, wasn't it Monk De Wally De Honk?

Bambi:
Yes, well you're almost there, can you give me any more?

Lord Monty:
Certainly, will £50 do?

Bambi:
Absolutely spot on. Well done, Footlights, ten points, and three bonus questions to you. What was the name of...

[Lord Snot buzzes in]

Lord Snot:
Battle of Bannockburn!

Bambi:
Yes, well that's very well anticipated there. Battle of Bannockburn it is.

[Neil buzzes in, almost falling out of his booth]

Neil:
Buzz, buzz, buzz... err, listen, sorry to hassle you or anything, Bambi, but I really do need to go to the toilet really badly, you know.

Bambi:
Yes, well the second bonus question for Footlights, leading by fifteen points, but it's early days yet.

Neil:
Oh no, guys, I'm just going to have to wee on Lord Snot's head.

[An appalled-looking Bambi looks up at Neil, then at the camera, before continuing]

Bambi:
Who said 'Lawks-a-lordy, my bottom's on fire'?

[Kendal Mintcake buzzes in]

Kendal Mintcake:
Lenin!

Bambi:
Yes, well I can accept that, though the exact answer was Joan of Arc. Well done, Footlights, five points. And what is the chemical equation for...

[Ms. Money-Sterling buzzes in]

Ms. Money-Sterling:
I've got a Porsche. Hee hee!

Bambi:
[pause] Yes, well that's not exactly what I've got written on the card, but I knew your father, so Footlights lead by 25 points.

Ms. Money-Sterling:
Daddy sends hugs. Hee hee!

Bambi:
So, starter for ten, fingers on the buzzers. Who is the richest person in the world?

[Vyvyan unwittingly buzzes in while tampering with his microphone]

Voice-over:
Scumbag, Vyvyan.

Vyvyan:
[pause] What?

Rick:
[to his team] We're getting thrashed! We're getting completely thrashed! Isn't there some way we can cheat?

Neil [feeling desperate for the toilet]:
Guys, guys, look. It's beginning to seep out, guys. Please!

Mike:
It's very simple, Neil. Use the jug.

[Mike pours the water out of the jug, and onto Lord Snot]

Bambi:
Now, I'll have to hurry you, I'll have to hurry you. Who is the richest person in the world?

[Lord Snot buzzes in]

Voice-over:
Footlights, Snot.

Lord Snot:
It's me, isn't it?

Bambi:
No, I'm afraid not. Your father's multi-national collapsed early this morning.

Lord Snot:
Oh, damn!

[The jug that Neil was using to urinate in falls on top of Lord Snot's head]

Bambi:
So, with the score... with the score still standing at 25 to nothing, here goes...

[Vyvyan buzzes in]

Vyvyan:
I'm completely bloody sick of this!

[he stamps a hole in his booth and knocks out Kendal Mintcake]

Vyvyan:
Give us some easy ones, Bambi, you big bottom boil!

Mike:
Relax, we can handle this. Vyvyan?

Vyvyan:
[whilst getting a German World War II grenade ready] Achtung!

[he throws the grenade into Footlights' booth; Ms. Money-Sterling buzzes in]

Ms. Money-Sterling:
It's not an automatic...

[the grenade explodes, blowing Footlights to smithereens]

Mike:
Okay, Bambi. Let's hear another.

Bambi:
So here goes with the starter for ten: What is the record number of marshmallows stuffed up one nostril?

[Mike buzzes in]

Voice-over:
Scumbag, Mike.

Mike:
Er, 604, Toxteth O'Grady, USA.

Vyvyan:
I told you that, Mike, you bloody cheat!

Bambi:
Ten points, Scumbag, and your question. Who produced the world's stickiest bogey?

[Mike buzzes in again]

Mike:
Toxteth O'Grady.

Bambi:
Correct, five points.

Vyvyan:
[to Mike] You bum-bag!

Bambi:
The world's stupidest bottom burp?

[Neil buzzes in]

Neil:
Rick, Britain!

Bambi:
Correct, five points.

Rick:
It is not!

Bambi:
And finally, for five bonus points to take you into the lead - who's been tampering with my question cards?

[Rick buzzes in]

Rick:
It was me! It was me! [the audience boo at Scumbag] Damn! Damn!

[Scumbag are constantly booed at, and pelted with rubbish, until they're crushed by a giant éclair. The scene changes when a doctor picks up the éclair]

Doctor:
Oh no, this sticky bun's covered with human beings the size of amoebas. [he feeds the éclair to an elephant] Here, Jumbo. Get that down your esophagus.

Elephant:
Very good.

Doctor:
Anyway, as I was saying, the most interesting theory...

[End credits roll as he is talking]

Mike:
Rick! Where'd you find all that firewood?

Rick:
Um, eh...Between my legs.

Vyvyan:
[takes the wood from Rick] Wish I'd thought of that.

Rick:
Well, I wish you'd done it! I might want to have had children one day.

Vyvyan:
What a revolting thought!

Mike:
This calls for a celebration! Vyv! Throw another record player on the fire!

Vyvyan:
oh certainly Michael [Begins throwing bits of Rick's chopped-up record player on the fire]

Rick:
You Bastards! That's my record player!

Mike:
You said it was your record player!

Vyvyan:
No I didn't Mike. I said let's throw Rik's record player on the fire...that will be good for a laugh!

Mike:
Oh yeah, yeah it is yours Rick

Rick:
Yes it is now give it back

Vyvyan:
OK!

Rick:
[holding back tears]...my parents gave me that record player for finishing my O Levels!

Vyvyan And by the looks of it you failed them all!

Rick:
That's not true. I got a B for French, i got a C for divinity...

Mike:
Rick, were all completely broke so we have to make sacrifices. I have generously donated my used tissue collection. Vyvyan has burnt everything Neil owns!

Rick:
Yes well never mind all that now, I'm more interested in sorting out this O level business. I got a 4 for Geo...(Neil moves the table and Rick hits his leg) oowww!!!

Vyvyan:
Ahh looks like supper's ready! (watches as Neil is trying to hammer the plates to the table) Neil, we're not having broken crockery again, that's my recipe.

Neil:
I'm not cooking Vyvyan, i'm just trying to nail the plates to the table.

Vyvyan:
Neil is it really necessary to nail the plates to the table. I mean what happens when we wanna play Monopoly? Go directly to plate! do not pass plate nailed to the table by a stupid Hippy.

Neil:
No guys, guys you don't understand. I've got something well scary to lay on you okay, so like sit down.

Rick:
What do you mean sit down? There's only one chair, do you expect us all to put our bottoms on that and catch horrible diseases off each other?

Neil:
That's not important Rick

Rick:
Well I think it is rather important actually, I happen to be rather attached to my bottom

Vyvyan:
Well I've got a couple of seats in my car

Rick:
All right we'll have to use them then

Vyvyan:
No they're attached. I mean, you sit in them while your driving. I suppose I could drive the whole car in?

Rick:
No no no better idea, we'll go out there!

Vyvyan:
Ah ha (Vyvyan and Rick start to walk outside)

Neil:
No wait guys guys, what about my scary story?

Vyvyan:
Oh that's true we won't be able to hear Neil from out there!

Rick:
Oh well you'll just have to make us a tape Neil

Vyvyan:
No that's no good, my cassette's bust!

Rick:
Oh then you'll just have to come out there with us

Vyvyan:
No good either i've only got two seats

Neil:
I could go in the boot?

Vyvyan:
No, no Neil cause if you so much as touch my car I'm gonna kill you! Remember?

Neil:
Oh right yeah

Mike:
Neil? (Whispers in Neils ear) Squat down?

Neil:
Oh yeah right great idea Mike. Er guys i've got something well scary to lay on you OK, so like squat down.

Rick:
Brilliant, squatting, right on, youth control, no rent.

Neil:
well... (Rick interrupts him)

Rick:
Neil, is it my imagination or has this table shrunk?

Neil:
That's what I've been trying to tell you for the last ten minutes right. Strange things keep happening, furniture keeps disappearing, plates keep moving about the place and last night, I found, my guitar, on the fire. Do you know what this means??

Vyvyan & Rick:
Yes it means.. (Neil stops them)

Neil:
Yeah, it means we've got a polterghoost!!

MIke:
Don't be stupid Neil, there's no such thing

Rick:
Yeah don't be such a spasbo Neil, theres a perfectly good explanation for any phenonemon you might encounter.

Neil:
Oh yeah well how do you explain the table shrinking then?

Vyvyan:
Erm well, i did that actually, like this (pulls out a chain saw and cuts off all the legs of the chair Mike is sitting on)

Vyvyan:
See! Corr, Mike's floating!! Hows that done then?

Rick:
Arrggghhh!! Get a Priest, get a Vicar, i believe in God!

Mike:
Never mind a Priest, call an ambulance!

Vyvyan:
Why Mike?

Mike:
I've just nailed my legs to the table!!

Neil:
I'm writing to my bank manager, see what you think, OK? "Dear bank manager..."

Mike:
Yeah?

Neil:
Well, that's it. I'm quite pleased with it so far.

Mike:
Oh, well, it's a strong opening, certainly.

Vyvyan:
I don't like the "dear". Sounds a bit too much like "will you go to bed with me?"

Neil:
Nicely spotted, Vyvyan. What do you think instead?

Vyvyan:
What about "darling"?

Neil:
"Darling bank manager..."

Rick:
Oh, no, no, no, no! Not "bank manager". It's far too crawly bum-lick. Tell it like it is, put "fascist bully boy".

Neil:
"Darling fascist bully boy..."

Mike:
That's nice, yeah, so far so good, so what do you want to say?

Neil:
Well, basically I want to ask him if I can have, like, an extension on my overdraft, but I know there must be a better way of putting it than that.

Mike:
Well, what about, "give me some more money"?

Vyvyan:
"You bastard"

Neil:
Don't you think that's a bit strong?

Mike:
No, Neil, people like that respect strength.

Neil:
Yeah, you're right. "Darling fascist bully boy, give me some more money, you bastard..." Uh... "Love, Neil."

Vyvyan:
Not "love, Neil"! That sounds far too much like "come and get it like a bitch-funky sex machine".

Neil:
Yeah, you're right. Uh... What about "yours sincerely"?

Rick:
Oh, come off it, Neil! If you're going to be that sycophantic, why don't you go there now and stick your tongue straight down the back of his trousers?

Neil:
Oh, look, I know, I know, why not put "Boomshanka"?

Mike:
Ahh... that's hard to tell, Neil. What does it mean?

Neil:
It means "May the seed of your loins be fruitful in the belly of your woman".

Rick:
Ah-ha! And WHAT makes you think your bank manager's a man?

Neil:
His beard.

Mike:
He'll never understand "Boomshanka". You'll have to write the whole thing out.

Neil:
Right, okay, here we go. "Darling fascist bully boy, give me some more money, you bastard. May the seed of your loins be fruitful in the belly of your woman, Neil."

Rick:
Well, if that doesn't work, I don't know what will.

Mike:
The only problem is we're running out of fuel. [scrunches the letter up and hands it to Vyvyan] Vyv, chuck it on the fire. [Vyvyan does so and all four scramble toward the fire, trying to get warm]

Rick:
[Screaming hysterically] I AM NOT! GETTING! AGGRESSIVE!

Neil:
[Calmly, staring at Rick] You are, Rick. I can sense it.

[Repeated line of dialogue]

Various characters] Oh, have you got a video?

Vyvyan:
[Increasingly exasperated] Yes! We've got a video!

Woman:
Do you dig graves?

Neil:
Yeah, yeah, they're all right, yeah.

Rick:
Neil, the bathroom's free! (looking at the camera) Unlike the country under the Thatcherite Junta.

Vicar:
What-ho, I'm the vicar.

Vyvyan:
Well you'd better be, or else you'd look right girlie in that dress.

Vicar:
[pokes Vyvyan in the eye] Right. Anyone tell the stiffie joke?

Vyvyan:
Yes. Rick has.

Vicar:
Yeah, well, forget about that then. Right. C'mon, let's get on with it, then. Let's get it over with. Oh, bloody hell. [As everyone takes their places around the open grave, the Vicar pulls out a small metal flask and starts slurping]

Rick:
Crikey, it's a bit early for that, isn't it?

Vicar:
My God, you're right! [drops the flask, spilling the contents, then pulls out a large whiskey bottle] Better get some of this down me before I have any of that, for starters. [takes a big gulp] Right, now, um, oh, yes! Ashes to ashes....

Rick:
[singing] Funk to funky, we know Major Tom's a junkie...

Vicar:
[grabs Rick by the collar] Shaddup! [headbutts Rick, causing him to fall into the grave]

Rick:
Help! I've just fallen into a grave!

Vyvyan:
Brilliant! Let's fill it in! [grabs the shovel from Neil]

Neil:
No! No! You can't bury Rick alive!

Vyvyan:
That's absolutely correct, Neil. We'll have to kill him first!

Mike:
Thank heaven for Habitat's sofa-coffins!

Vyvyan:
When my hamster finds out you nicked his carrots he's gonna kill you, Neil.

Neil:
Oh was it SPG's? I didn't know he ate carrots.

Vyvyan:
He doesn't eat carrots, Neil, he sticks 'em down his underpants to impress the girls.

Vyvyan:
Vyvyan, Vyvyan, Vyvyan! Honestly! Whenever anything explodes in this house it's always blame Vyvyan!

Rick:
Well, who do you suggest we blame?

Vyvyan:
Blame whoever rung the front doorbell! Because they OBVIOUSLY set off the bomb I wired up!

Rick:
Ah! It's a vampire!

Mike:
In a parcel!

Vyvyan:
In the kitchen!

Neil:
[To Audience] Hate mail! [To guys] What are we gonna do?

Rick:
Only Pop Music can save us now!

[The Damned appear and start performing]

Vampire:
No, this is some kind of misunderstanding! I'm not a vampire! I'm a driving instructor! From Johannesburg!

Vyvyan:
A driving instructer from Johannesburg? Prove it!

Vampire:
How?

Vyvyan:
Okay, what should you never do in a box junction?

Vampire:
In a box junction you should never enter it unless your exit is clear!

Vyvyan:
Ah, true. Okay, what's the procedure for the approach of a humpback bridge?

Vampire:
Approaching a humpback bridge, you should slow down and check in both rear-view mirrors. If no-one is behind you you should RIP OUT A VIRGIN'S THROAT AND-

Vyvyan:
Ah-ha! Ah-ha! Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha! Driving instructor my bottom! You're a vampire and there's no denying it!

Vampire:
Oh Outspan!

Sayle:
People think television must be great. They tell me all the time 'Television must be great!', but it's not. It's dead boring you know! And that lot, they're drawl as well, and they all talk about me behind me back!

(The guys are sitting in a dressing room, half out of costume)

Edmonson (Vyvyan):
I hate him.

Planer (Neil):
(Posh voice) He drinks like a fish.

Mayall (Rick):
Well, he's got no talent!

Ryan (Mike):
Alexei who?

Vyvyan:
I don't see what all the fuss is about. Vampires only attack virgins!

[Awkward pause]

Mike:
Yeah, uh, it's not myself I'm worried about, Vyv. It's Rick and Neil I'm worried about.

Rick:
Me, a virgin? Ha! [Increasingly scared] Just try telling that to some of the foxy chicks who owe me favours!

Neil:
Well if Rick's not a virgin them I'm not either!

Vyvyan:
Well, we'll find out shortly, 'cause the vampire's gonna know, and if anyone gets attacked, then we'll know they're a sissy virgin! [Beat] God, I hope snogging with SPG counts!

[Later]

Neil:
He's gonna get us and turn us into vampires! And we'll all be dead and yet still alive! Like Leonard Cohen!

Mike:
There's only one way out of this. We've all got to lose our virginity. Now!

Vyvyan:
But how, Mike? [Beat] Oh no! Bags not Rick!

Rick:
Bags not Vyv!

Neil:
[Confused] Bags not...Neil?

Vampire:
[Having being lit up by sunlight] Oh, dear! I've forgotten the time difference between here and Johannasburg! Arrrgh! Arrrgh!

Helen:
I hope you don't mind me spending the night, but I was desperate for somewhere to stay. And when I saw you had all gone away for the weekend, I climbed in the kitchen window, found an empty bed, and went to sleep.

Rick:
No, no, no, darling. No. It wasn't an empty bed, was it? Cause I was in there!

Helen:
Were you? You weren't when I woke up.

Neil:
Rick, you bloody liar! You said you'd done it to her- [To Helen] he said he'd done it with you.

Rick:
Look, there's obviously been some ghastly misunderstanding-!

Vyvyan:
Ah ha ha ha ha! Rick is STILL A VIRGIN!

Rick:
I'm not! I'm not a-

Vyvyan:
Virgin, virgin, virgin!

Rick:
Vyvyan! Where'd you get that Howitzer?!

Vyvyan:
Found it.

Rick:
Well you can put it back this instant, young man!

Vyvyan:
I will, I will. Just as soon as I've blown you to pieces!

Sayle [as John Cleese doing a Silly Walk]:
'Scuse me, is this a cheese shop?

Mayall [as Michael Palin]:
No, sir.

Sayle:
[to camera] Well, that's that sketch knackered then, innit?!

Vyvyan:
What's a good thing for a hangover?

Mike:
Drinking heavily the night before.

Rick:
If I'm a virgin, how come I know what a girl's bottom looks like?

Vyvyan:
From looking in the mirror.

Rick:
Damn!

Mike:
Who are you?

Knight:
I'm a Knight, of the Square Table.

Mike:
'Square' Table?

Knight:
Well, King Arthur doesn't think I'm cool and hip enough to be at the Round Table, on account of some of my suits of armour still have flares.

Mike:
You can't get much squarer than that.

Neil:
No shut up, Mike! [To Knight] There's nothing wrong with flares.

Knight:
Mm, and I'm not really into war at all. Look, flowers on the end of my lance!

Neil:
Wow!

Knight:
And if I ever have to fight a dragon, I try and see it from the dragon's point of view.

Neil:
[To audience] Aww, it's beautiful! A Hippie Knight!

Knight:
[Knocks out Neil with a Morningstar] Sorry man, but it's my job.

Mike:
Neil, did you upset the neighbours?

Neil:
No. I blew them up.

Neil:
I'll die if I miss Scooby-Doo!

Neil:
You mean, you, like, scored with a chick?

Rick:
Well, of course, I wouldn't put it in such sexist terms, Neil, but yes.

Mike:
Now, wait a minute, Rick. I'm the one who gets the girls around here. There could be a copyright problem.

Vyvyan:
I don't understand. How? Was she unconscious?

Rick:
What, Vyvyan? Do I detect a little spark of jealousy?

Vyvyan:
Ha! I'm not jealous. I find the idea of spending a night with you completely revolting!

Rick:
You know perfectly well what I mean. Just because I was the most wanted and attractive guy at the party last night...

Neil:
What do you mean, Rick? You passed out after half a glass of cider.

Rick:
Did I? Blimey, that's a bit anarchic! Anyway, it just goes to show you, Neil. Even when I'm unconscious, I can pick up the birds. Erm, I mean, forge meaningful relationships with birds... chicks... tarts... women. Women!

Rick:
It was incredible. We did everything.

Mike:
[Recording with a tape recorder] Like what?

Rick:
Umm, everything. At one point, she even took her bra off! So I took off my dungarees...

[Vyvyan is trying to blow up Rick with his howitzer for not admitting to be a virgin.]

Rick:
No, Vyvyan! You're right, I am a virgin.

Vyvyan:
Not for long, matey! [fires at Rick again]

Neil:
Vyv, will you shut up, you're giving me tunnel vision!

Rick:
STOP SHOUTING NEIL!!

Neil:
Stop shouting yourself!

Rick:
I AM NOT SHOUTING!!

Neil:
Yes, you are!

Rick:
I BLOODY WELL AM NOT!!! IF YOU WANT TO HEAR SHOUTING MATEY THIS IS IT!!!

[Rick starts yelling like a baby, whilst Vyvyan lights a Molotov cocktail]

Vyvyan:
It's funny, but being ill makes me lose my usual tolerant and easygoing approach to communal living.

[Vyvyan throws the Molotov cocktail into Rick's bedroom, which explodes]

Rick:
Oh, well, how ruddy considerate, Vyvyan. Thank you very much!

Neil:
Yeah, thanks, Vyv. That petrol bomb's really cleared my sinuses.

Vyvyan:
Why aren't you dead?!

Rick:
I'm not prepared to discuss it with you, Vyvyan. You will be hearing from my solicitors in the morning. I'm going to write to my MP.

Neil:
You haven't got an MP, Rick. You're an anarchist.

Rick:
Oh. Well, then I shall write to the lead singer of Echo and the Bunnymen! (...)

Vyvyan:
Why'd I do that?

Rick:
Ah, Vyvyan, beginning to regret it now, are you?

Vyvyan:
Of course I'm beginning to regret it. That was nearly a full bottle of vodka! That's £7.99 you owe me, ploppy pants.

Rick:
Oh, stop being so blinking bourgeoisie! All property is theft, Vyvyan.

Vyvyan:
All right, then. Where's your girlie purse? (...)

Rick:
You put that back! That's my personal property!

Neil:
You just said all property is theft, Rick.

Rick:
Well, yes, it is.

Vyvyan:
Yeah, so I'm nicking it.

Rick:
Stop! Thief! Thief!

Mrs Vyvyan:
Hello, Vyvyan!

Vyvyan:
Piss off!

Mrs Vyvyan:
That's no way to talk to your mother, Vyvyan!

Vyvyan:
Alright then... piss off, Mum!

Mrs Vyvyan:
That's better.

Vyvyan:
What d'you want?

Mrs Vyvyan:
Well, what're Mums for?

Vyvyan:
I dunno, having babies?

Mrs Vyvyan:
(twisting the crotch of his jeans) Don't be so sexist, Vyvyan!

Vyvyan:
(gasps in pain) I'm sorry, Mum!

Mrs Vyvyan:
No, I heard you was ill so I bought you a present.

Vyvyan:
The last present you gave me was a box of matches.

Mrs Vyvyan:
That was a joke.

Vyvyan:
I was only eight weeks old... well, what've you bought me this time?

Mrs Vyvyan:
A bottle of vodka.

Vyvyan:
(smiles) Oh, brilliant! Thanks, Mum! (tips the bottle and nothing comes out.) This is empty.

Mrs Vyvyan:
Ha! Ha! Up yours, ugly!

Neil's Father:
Now why couldn't you be in one of those nice situation comedies that your mother likes. Like, uh, what's the thing called...?

Vyvyan:
Grange Hill!

Neil's Father:
Yes! That's the one.

[Scene changes to School Corridor. Two school boys run in.]

Ben Elton:
So that's settled. We'll organise a protest against school uniforms!

Spaz:
Great! We can use the banners left over from the last protest we organised, so that racism wouldn't be an issue in this school.

Ben Elton:
Good idea. I'll get Mucka, Ducka, Trucka and Sucka, and you get Spaz.

Spaz:
But I am Spaz!

Ben Elton:
Oh. I better get him as well then. Come on!

[They run into a teacher.]

Spaz:
Oh! Sorry, Mr. Liberal. We were just on our way to...

Mr. Liberal:
Now hang on you pair of scruffy tear-aways. Don't you realise that the way you act is influencing millions of children to talk Cockney and be insubordinate?

Ben Elton:
Oh, come on, sir. We're the only kids in Britain who never say f-

Neil's Mother:
You must be joking! I don't watch that ghastly programme!

Neil's Father:
I'm sorry, my dear. It was my mistake. I meant The Good Life.

Neil's Mother:
Oh, yes. That's the one.

Vyvyan:
[Ripping up the introduction to The Good Life] NO, NO, NO, NO! WE ARE NOT WATCHING THE BLOODY GOOD LIFE! BLOODY, BLOODY, BLOODY! I HATE IT! IT'S SO BLOODY NICE! FELICITY "TREACLE" KENDAL, AND RICHARD "SUGAR FLAVOURED SNOT" BRIERS! WHAT DO THEY DO KNOW? CHOCOLATE BLOODY BUTTON ADS, THAT'S WHAT! THEY'RE NOTHING BUT A COUPLE OF REACTIONARY STEREOTYPES, CONFIRMING THE MYTH THAT EVERYONE IN BRITAIN IS A LOVABLE MIDDLE CLASS ECCENTRIC, AND I! HATE! THEM!

Mike:
That's a highly articulate outburst there, Vyv. I only hope they're not watching.

Rick:
Well you can shut up now, Vyvyan. You can just about blummin' well shut up! Because if you've got anything horrid to say about Felicity Kendal, then you can just about blummin' well say it to me first!

Vyvyan:
Rick, I just did!

Rick:
Oh you did, did you? Well I ought to give a ruddy great punch on the bottom for what you just said! You're talking about the woman I love!

Neil:
And me, I love her too!

Neil's Father:
Well I agree with the spotty twerps on that one. Felicity Kendal is sweetly pretty, just what a real girly should be. I mean, speaking as a Feminist myself I can safely say this; that Felicity Kendal is a wonderful woman, and I want to protect her.

Vyvyan:
Well it's the first time I've ever heard it called that!

Vyvyan:
Do you think ants go to discos?

Mike:
Vyvyan, it has been proved that ants are highly intelligent with a well ordered society-the last thing they'd go to would be discos.

Vyvyan:
Well, why's one of them wearing a silver boob tube then?

Mike:
There's a very good reason for that.

Vyvyan:
What?

Mike:
You're talking crap.

Neil:
[on his final exam] It was terrible. I sat in the big hall and put my packet of polos on the desk, and my spare pencil and my support gonk and my chewing gum and my extra pen, and my extra polos and my lucky gonk, and my pencil sharpener shaped like a cream cracker and three more gonks with a packet of polos in each, and lead for my retractable pencil and my retractable pencil, and my spare lead for my retractable pencil, and chewing gum and pencils and pens and more gonks and the guy said "Stop writing please."!

Rick:
Oh yes, Mike, your tutor asked me to tell you that if you don't start turning up to class next September, then he and the Dean are going to have to seriously reconsider your grant.

Mike:
Well, you can tell my tutor that I've still got the photos of him and the Dean.

Mike:
[Having just knocked out Neil with a cricket bat] What's a hippie worth then, a six?

Vyvyan:
Six? It would have been worth six if you'd killed him, Mike. Let's call it two.

Mike:
Fair enough.

Mike:
Neil, it's not often you interest me, but today you have. Why do you keep running in here carrying a cake and yelling "Surprise!"?

Neil:
Well, because it's my birthday, Mike.

Mike:
Now, you knew that anyway, and we don't care, so where's the surprise?

Vyvyan:
Rick, Shut Up, or I'll tell everybody here that you have an iron-on cartoon worm on the back of your Y-fronts that says "Girl Bait".

Rick:
Oh! Been going through my Y-fronts, have you, Vyvyan? I suppose you fancy me, is that it?

Vyvyan [panics]:
Yes! As a matter of fact, I do, Rick! I really, really fancy you! And I wanna give you a big girly kiss on the bottom!

Rick [Creeped Out]:
[stammers] You hear that, Mike? Vyvyan's gone all funny! He says he wants to kiss my bottom!

Vyvyan:
Did I say "kiss you on the bottom?" Oh, beg my pardon, I meant to say "stick a pickaxe through your spinal column"!

Rick:
I can't believe it. My parents... are dead.

Neil:
You think that's bad...

Rick:
Well yes I do actually! What's it to you piss-face?!

Neil:
Oh wow. I never knew I wore a wig. Eugggh.

God:
Hello, I'm God. Well, you didn't expect me to be a woman, now, did you?

[As the boys are about to rob a bank with pistols]

Mike:
Now whatever you do, don't go losing your heads and using them!

Vyvyan:
Why not, Mike?!

Rick:
Yeah, why not? Those bank clerks didn't have to become bank clerks! They knew the risks when they took the job. Now let's just get in there and let 'em have it!

Mike:
Rick, we can't do that, because if we do, there's a very good chance they'll discover that these are water pistols.

Jersei Baloski:
[Having smashed the window] Oh, look! Some sod broke your window. That's £18 you owe me.

[After the bus they were riding in has crashed to the bottom of a ravine]

The Guys:
Phew! That was close!

[The bus explodes]

Neil:
Oh, what's the time?

Mike:
Vyv, here's your chance. [Shows him his watch.] See the big hand there?

Vyvyan:
Yeah.

Mike:
That's on the two, right.

Vyvyan:
Yep.

Mike:
And the little hand is on that one there just before the twelve, now what's that one?

Vyvyan:
Eleven?

Mike:
Perfectly excellent. So what's the time?

Vyvyan:
Er... half past five!

Vyvyan:
QUICK! GET THE STIRRUPS! I'M GONNA HAVE MY BABY NOW!

Vyvyan:
[clutching his stomach] OH! OH NO! The contractions are starting! I'm gonna have a baby!

Neil:
Quick, quick, Mike, Mike! Get some boiling towels... er, Rick, clean water. Vyvyan, Vyvyan, sit down, take the weight off your feet.

Rick:
What d'you mean "sit down"?! There aren't any chairs!

Mike:
Yeah, and all the towels have been burnt.

Neil:
Oh, no! We've got to buy some furniture for Vyvyan, quickly!

Rick:
We can't! We haven't got any money! Vyvyan's baby will be a pauper! Oliver Twist! Geoffrey Dickens! Back to Victorian values! [to camera] I hope you're satisfied, Thatcher!

[Rick is warming himself by the broken fridge while Vyvyan is lying on a bed.]

Rick:
I was wondering if you'd thought of a name for your baby yet?

Vyvyan:
Shut Up or Piss Off!

Rick:
Oh, that's charming, isn't it?

Vyvyan:
No, no, those are the two names I'm considering. I mean, they'll be really handy in later life for getting into fights and things. Oh! Oh, it's kicking.

[His stomach moves rapidly up and down. Rick looks fascinated.]

Rick:
Er, Vyvyan. Would it be alright... I mean... can I have a bit... a bit of a listen?

Vyvyan:
Yeah, help yourself. You can hear it kicking.

Rick:
[Placing his ear on Vyvyan's bare stomach] I can't hear anything... all I can hear is... OW! [Vyvyan's stomach twitches violently, knocking Rick upwards.]

Vyvyan:
[Patting his stomach] That's my boy!

Neil:
Oh, have we got a video!

Vyvyan:
If anyone else asks me that question I'm gonna stick their head through the window!

Neil:
Vyv? Have we got a video?

Vyvyan:
Right... come this way, Neil.

[He walks over to the window and literally pulls it off the wall. He then walks over to Neil.]

Vyvyan:
Sideways on. [Neil turns sideways.] Thank you.

[He smashes the window over Neil's head. But Neil merely looks confused.]

Neil:
I still don't understand. I still don't understand. Does that mean we've got one or not?

Vyvyan:
It's a video nasty!

Rick:
It's a carpet, farty!

Harry the Bastard:
You owe me five hundred quid.

Vyvyan, Rick, Neil, Mike:
Well, what a complete bastard!

(When asked about his night he spent with the girl, but he has no recollection of what happened.)

Rick:
(awkward) Well... it was... sort of... sort of... sexy.

Vyvyan:
Oh, God. I think I'm gonna be violently and copiously sick.

Neil:
Go into really lengthy and vivid detail about the whole thing.

Vyvyan:
Well, I'm gonna bend over and open my mouth. And wait for the muscles of my alimentary canal to go into spasm...

Neil:
No, not you, Vyvyan! Rick.

Mike:
Neil, have you upset the neigbours?

Neil:
No, Mike, I've blown them up.

Rick:
Phew! And who said Sunday was day of rest?

Vyvyan:
God did.

Rick:
That's right! I knew it was someone Tory.

Mike:
I don't know what it is, but every time I pull at Neil's ankles big flakes of crusty skin come off underneath my fingernails.

Vyvyan:
That's only his cornflakes, Michael. He keeps them in his socks to stop me from stealing them.

Rick:
What a nerdy! [to audience] I just initial mine individually with sticky labels.

Vyvyan:
[to audience] That doesn't worry me. I just eat the labels as well.

Vyvyan:
Where were we?... Ah, yes. Virgin.

Rick:
Yeah. Argh!

Vyvyan:
(chases Rick up the stairs) Virgin! Virgin!

Rick:
Amazulu.

S.P.G.:
Oh, is that right? I'm a Glaswegian.

Neil's Mother:
Dear me, what a... what a ghastly smell!

Neil:
Yeah, that's Vyvyan, Mummy. He's going to be a doctor.

Vyvyan:
How d'you do!

Neil's Mother:
Oh, fascinating! I think I'm going to be sick.

Mike:
Ah, well. Boing!

(Jumps in the air and motions Rick and Vyvyan to do the same. The two exchange looks before following suit.)

Rick & Vyvyan:
(Jumping) Boing!

[Rick is lying in bed, looking nervous after he believed he killed Neil. His conscience starts speaking to him.]

Conscience:
Rick... Rick... this is the voice of your conscience speaking.

Rick:
Shut up! Shut up!

Conscience:
Don't tell me to shut up, you spotty little bastard! I'm your conscience. You killed Neil, didn't you?

Rick:
No! No! It wasn't me. It was, er, Vyvyan and Mike. They did it and I'm going to tell on them as well!

Conscience:
They didn't bloody well do it! It was you!

Rick:
Oh, God! Whose side are you on?!

Conscience:
Not bloody yours, matey!

Rick:
Get out of my head, pooh-hole!

Conscience:
Ha! Ha! Ha! Try and make me, farty breath!

[From the other room.]

Vyvyan:
Rick, will you tell your conscience to keep its voice down?! I'm trying to get some sleep!

Rick:
Don't think I don't know exactly who drew that thingy-ma-jig on the back on my curriculum vitae.

Vyvyan:
Well, they like to know what your hobbies are, Rick.

Rick:
Well, all I can say Vyvyan, is that tiny things please tiny minds.

Vyvyan:
Yeah, and with a thing that tiny you're gonna be hard put to please anything!

[After a bank job. Everyone jumps into Vyvyan's car. But he drives it directly into a lamp-post.]

Vyvyan:
[hysterical] Oh, what have I done?! [sobs]

Mike:
C'mon, Vyv, there's no time for that now.

Vyvyan:
My car! My beautiful, beautiful car!

Rick:
Oh, no, it's the pigs! This is it, guys! I'll see you later! [exits the car]

Neil:
[to Rick] Yellow chicken!

Mike:
[to Vyvyan, who's still crying] You've got to forget about your car, Vyvyan! Start life again without it. After all, you've still got S.P.G.

Vyvyan:
I don't think so, Michael. He was asleep on the radiator!

[S.P.G. is crushed on the grill of the car. Bagpipe music plays as he floats above the car wearing angel wings and a halo.]

S.P.G.:
See you later, you little whimp.

Vyvyan:
It's fantastic! The streets are completely filled with screaming children!

Neil:
All for Cliff!

Vyvyan:
Well, not exactly, Neil... a bomb's gone off.

Mike:
You mean you let a bomb off, Vyvyvan.

Vyvyan:
Look, what I had for breakfast is completely my own affair thank you, Michael.

Neil:
Look, everyone, he's coming through the doors.

Vyvyan:
BRILLIANT! He didn't even open them!

Mike:
We don't want you in the song anymore.

Rick:
What? What?!

Mike:
I simply said we don't want you in the song...

Rick:
Yes, yes, yes, but why?

Vyvyan:
(From backstage) Because you're total and utter crap!

Neil:
Don't do the song, right, I've got some really heavy news about Cliff that's gonna completely blow your mi... what's that smell?

Rick & Vyvyan:
Neil, go away!

[Audience awws.]

Neil:
Don't patronise me, you bastards! Oh, yeah, let's all sit in rows and ruin Neil's evening!

Rick:
What's the message, Neil?

Neil:
Oh, yeah, the message about Cliff, right, er... Cliff's blown out the gig.

Rick:
What? You mean he's... farted?

Neil:
No, no, Cliff can't come.

Rick:
Why?

Neil:
He's doing time.

Rick:
They put him in prison for farting?! Right on!

Vyvyan:
(Shouting backstage to Kate Bush) Back in a tickle, Katy baby! HA HA! I've just gotta do this number one song with Shaky Stevens. Right, good evening, bastards!

Neil:
What d'you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff!

Cliff:
(singing) # Got a roving eye and that is why she satisfies my soul. #

Mike, Vyvyan, Rick, Neil:
(singing) # fies my soul! #

Vyvyan:
"Fies my soul"?

Rick:
Yes, "fies my soul". It's raunchy, Vyvyan.

Vyvyan:
Hey, Cliff! I've just invented a great new sound.

[Strange clicking noises are heard.]

Neil:
Ow!

Mike:
Untie Neil's legs, Vyvyvan.

Cliff:
Settle down, chaps.

Vyvyan:
Neil, d'you wanna hear a great new joke?

Neil:
Oh, yeah. Ok.

Vyvyan:
Rick, I'd get out of the way if you don't wanna get seriously hurt. Right, what d'you say to a stupid hippie who's standing on a pile of dynamite?

Neil:
I dunno, what do you say to a stupid hippie who's standing on a pile of dynamite?

Vyvyan:
Get this, buster!

[He steps on a detonator and there's an explosion which appears to go horribly wrong as Vyvyan gasps in pain while holding his crotch.]

Neil:
Oh, yeah. I get it. "Get this, buster!" Yeah, brilliant!

Rick:
Is everyone happy? Vyvyan's whiffed out the theatre, blown his goolies off and you've stopped Cliff coming! Can we please just do the song?!

[While recording the flipside of the Living Doll record.]

Rick:
Good morning, everybody. Let's make rock 'n' roll history.

Vyvyan:
Oh, no. He's found us.

Rick:
Hey, great gag telling me the recording studio was in Wales!

Neil:
Oh, no. Guys, guys. I thought pop music was supposed to be about like... loving each other.

Mike:
No, Neil, no, that's sex. Pop music's about making money.

Mike:
Are we gonna sing this song or not?

Vyvyan:
Yes, we are! But first... let's have a fight!

Vyvyan, Rick, Neil, Mike:
(singing) # All the little flowers are singing. All the little birdies are too, tweet tweet! Everything in the garden is happy and we hope you are too. If you're happy we're happy, ha ha! If you're sad we're sad, boo hoo! But now it's time to end this song coz it's so (bleep) bad! #

Rick:
Goodnight, children.

Mike:
Goodnight.

Neil:
Hello... er... goodnight.

Vyvyan:
Pass the detonator.