Black Books, Series 2

Bernard:
Perhaps you'd like me to put the price down.

Customer:
Well I was thinking two pounds.

Bernard:
Because three pounds is just naked profiteering for a book of a mere... [checks the back pages of the book] 912 pages long. What'll I do with that extra pound? I'll add another acre to the grounds. I'll chuck a few more koi carp in my piano shaped pond. No, I know, I'll build a wing on the National Gallery with my name on it.

Customer:
Two fifty.

Bernard:
That's more like it. Now you're being reasonable. [takes the book back and opens it] Two fifty gets you...[rips a few pages out of the book] this much. You can come back and collect the rest when you have the other 50p.

Customer:
But you--

Bernard:
[Hits bell] Thank you!

[Customer walks out]

Manny:
Bernard...

Bernard:
Don't start, customer lover.

Manny:
I was just going to say, I'm off to get the paint.

Bernard:
What for? The shop's the way it is because it is the way it is. [Pause] If it wasn't the way it is, it wouldn't be the way it is.

Manny:
It needs doing.

Bernard:
It's charming. It has character.

Manny:
Character is an ambience, a feeling. It's not something with fur and a beak.

[As if to illustrate his point, a strange oinking noise starts from somewhere on the floor - Manny moves over to a bookshelf, grabs a whip and kills the unseen monster, then adds a tally mark to the blackboard]

Manny:
They've moved the nest again. I was going to get two brushes, by the way.

Bernard:
You can paint with both hands, that's nice.

Manny:
Well, I was kind of thinking that-

Bernard:
No, you weren't, you just thought you were thinking.

Manny:
Well maybe if-

Bernard:
No.

Manny:
But if-

Bernard:
No! [Manny gives up and walks out, but Bernard has his head turned and doesn't see] I don't want to be bothered, [Fran comes in] you big, hairy... [Looks back and sees Fran] Oh, hello.