Black Books, Series 2

Bernard:
Don't make me laugh... bitterly. Fran will fail, you will toil your life away and I will die alone upside down on the floor of a pub toilet.

Bernard:
[To Fran] You! What did you say to Kate? She thinks I'm the Renaissance. She'll think I've lied! I've had to go along with all this "reclusive genius" stuff. She's going to be very upset when she finds out I'm just a reclusive wanker!

Manny:
I won't do it.

Bernard:
That is a pity. Well, I hope you enjoy your weekend repricing every single individual book in the shop, because they've all just gone up by a penny.

Bernard:
I've got to get a girlfriend, just for the summer, until this wears off. She'll be a summery girl. She'll have hair. She'll have summery friends who know how to be outside. She'll play tennis and wear dresses and have bare feet, and in the autumn, I'll ditch her, because she's my summer girl!

[Bernard runs up to his 'summer girlfriend' wearing an accordion]

Bernard:
Hello! I've come to serenade you. I can't play guitar. I can't play this either, but I thought it'd be less obvious.

Bernard:
I will have no malingerers in my shop. Now go and fetch me my lolly!

Bernard:
[Regarding a violent, ugly gangster - Danny] Look at that face! I bet his Corn Flakes tried to crawl out of the bowl!

Bernard:
I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.

Bernard:
Perhaps you'd like me to put the price down.

Customer:
Well I was thinking two pounds.

Bernard:
Because three pounds is just naked profiteering for a book of a mere... [checks the back pages of the book] 912 pages long. What'll I do with that extra pound? I'll add another acre to the grounds. I'll chuck a few more koi carp in my piano shaped pond. No, I know, I'll build a wing on the National Gallery with my name on it.

Customer:
Two fifty.

Bernard:
That's more like it. Now you're being reasonable. [takes the book back and opens it] Two fifty gets you...[rips a few pages out of the book] this much. You can come back and collect the rest when you have the other 50p.

Customer:
But you--

Bernard:
[Hits bell] Thank you!

[Customer walks out]

Manny:
Bernard...

Bernard:
Don't start, customer lover.

Manny:
I was just going to say, I'm off to get the paint.

Bernard:
What for? The shop's the way it is because it is the way it is. [Pause] If it wasn't the way it is, it wouldn't be the way it is.

Manny:
It needs doing.

Bernard:
It's charming. It has character.

Manny:
Character is an ambience, a feeling. It's not something with fur and a beak.

[As if to illustrate his point, a strange oinking noise starts from somewhere on the floor - Manny moves over to a bookshelf, grabs a whip and kills the unseen monster, then adds a tally mark to the blackboard]

Manny:
They've moved the nest again. I was going to get two brushes, by the way.

Bernard:
You can paint with both hands, that's nice.

Manny:
Well, I was kind of thinking that-

Bernard:
No, you weren't, you just thought you were thinking.

Manny:
Well maybe if-

Bernard:
No.

Manny:
But if-

Bernard:
No! [Manny gives up and walks out, but Bernard has his head turned and doesn't see] I don't want to be bothered, [Fran comes in] you big, hairy... [Looks back and sees Fran] Oh, hello.

Manny:
Bernard, where's the thing?

Bernard:
It's on the thing on top of the thing!

[After killing one of the unseen creatures using a coffee machine]

Manny:
I did it! I got the queen!

Customer:
Look, there's no other way to say this, but I didn't come in here to be insulted.

Bernard:
Well, I didn't ask for the job of insulting you. In another life, we could have been brothers. Running a small, quirky taverna in Sicily. Maybe we would have married the local twins instead of wasting each other's time here in this dump. But it was not to be. So hop it.

Fran:
You know, in Tibet, if they want something, do you know what they do? They give something away.

Bernard:
They do, do they? That must be why they're such a dominant global power.

Bernard:
The only thing that's going to bring me inner peace is a beard-seeking missile!

[Manny hands Fran bananas after she decides to sleep in Bernard's bed]

Fran:
No thanks, I'm not hungry.

Manny:
Oh no, they're not for you, just chuck them under the bed.

Fran:
Why? What's under there?

Manny:
Dunno. We just call it... the thing.

[After the disastrous holiday; recalling a dark voyage down a river]

Fran:
At least the natives thought Manny was their God.

Manny:
[Thoughtfully] Yes, it'll be some time before I want to sacrifice another monkey.

Bernard:
[Snapping and grabbing Manny's collar] WE SAID WE WOULDN'T TALK ABOUT CANADA!!

Manny:
Do you have your keys?

Bernard:
No. I left them in the bag, which you kindly unburdened us of by losing!

Manny:
Ah.

Bernard:
What do you mean 'Ah'?

Manny:
It's just I think my keys may have been in there too.

Bernard:
Were they? [chuckles] Funny thing, travel; it's just one thing after another. You're fired.

Fran:
Oh, now look...

Bernard:
And after I dislodge and return your thong, I never want to see you again either!

Bernard':
[to Manny] GET AWAY FROM ME! It was a thrill to recreate with you, but now our association ends! You have brought nothing but pain, penury and strife into my days! I wish you good fortune in whatever avenue of life you assault with your presence. Here's your redundancy package: I'm sorry it's mostly in Phrenobian wooden dollars but that's largely your fault! Now, good luck and goodbye!

Bernard:
No, I don't accept your apology! Give it another thirty years, and take this [indicates Manny] with you!

Fran:
Bernard...

Bernard:
What?

Fran:
Do you want to come outside?

Bernard:
I'm cold! I've got chilblains, tinnitus and thrush! If you wanna fight, come inside!

Bernard:
[About Fran who is looking for a job]] You can sort your life out anytime; the pub closes in five hours.

Bernard:
What did he say, the midget?

Manny:
You mustn't call him a midget...

Bernard:
(Moves right up into Manny's face) He's a midget. A tiny midget.

Manny:
What if he hears you?

Bernard:
HE WON'T, HIS EARS ARE TOO SMALL!!!

Danny:
If I can't read by Friday, you'll both be brown bread, buttered, with Harry, on the boat. (Leaves after whacking Manny on the chest who then bends over in pain, whining)

Bernard:
(Whines with Manny) Who's Harry?! (Whines again) I don't have a boat!

Fran:
So what's it like, then, fags and booze?

Bernard:
Well. To be honest. After years of smoking and drinking, you do sometimes look at yourself and think.

Fran:
Yep...

Bernard:
You know, just sometimes in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that 400th glass of corner shop piss at 3AM, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...

Fran:
Yeah...

Bernard:
"This is fantastic. I'm in heaven."