Drake & Josh, Season 3

Megan (to Drake and Josh):
Listen to me! If you get on one of my nerves this weekend and you both wake up tomorrow morning very confused in Cuba!

Drake:
It's fun locking Josh in closets!

Drake:
You heard that, Josh? They don´t have any place to stay.

Josh:
So?

Drake:
Well, while our parents are out, we could make them stay at our home.

Josh:
(very happy) Hey, that is so so STUPID!

[At the beginning of the episode]

Drake:
Sometimes when you plan to do one thing, something totally different happens.

Josh:
Once I planned to ride my bike to the mall... I hit a bus.

Drake:
Oh Oh and there was this one time I planned a surprise birthday party for Josh...

Josh:
And I'll never forget the surprise party Drake planned for my birthday...

Drake:
When he walked in, we all yelled, "Surprise!"

Josh:
I just wasn't expecting to be surprised by all those people in our room.

Drake:
Josh was so shocked, he threw a punch and nailed our Aunt Barbara right in the jaw.

Josh:
I punched my Aunt Barbara, uh, but it was an accident.

Drake:
When she woke up, she was so mad, she took the present she bought for Josh, and ran over it in our driveway.

Josh:
And then She ran over my new cell phone... with her truck.

Drake:
The whole thing was pretty hysterical.

Josh:
The whole thing was pretty disturbing.

Drake:
The point is.

Josh:
The point is.

Drake:
Whenever you plan something...

Josh:
If you're gonna punch your aunt in the face...

Drake:
Don't be surprised if things take an unexpected twist.

Josh:
She just might run over your new cell phone!

Drake:
Yup.

Josh:
Yeah...

Josh (about Megan):
Have you ever been in her room?

Drake:
Once when I was nine.

Josh:
What happened?

Drake:
She pushed me out the window and then told Mom I fell.

Megan:
(changes the channel to show Drake and Josh in the kitchen) My favorite show. Dumb and Dumbmer.

Josh:
start chunking the tomatoes

Drake:
Chunkin.(starts chopping the tomatoes and accidently chops josh's finger}Should I get the first aid kit?

Josh:
MMMH.(makes a hurt expression on his face)

Josh (while on the phone):
If you call me one more time, I will take an entire bottle of maple syrup and pour it all over your underwear drawer, so for the next 9 days, you could walk around with sticky-butt!

Walter:
Josh, it's your father.

Josh:
Nice try! You big doof! (hangs up the phone) Man, if he's so thirsty, why can't he come downstairs, go into the kitchen and get himself ... (looks over at Drake holding a Mocha Cola) Oh, geez.

Crazy Steve (to Josh):
Well, that's going to be a little problem. See, when you asked me to find that movie for you, I spent five hours on the phone tracking it down, talking Helen into letting me screen it for you, so now that I've done all that, [screams] SOMEBODY'S GOING TO BE WATCHING ICK GLOKMAH TONIGHT OR SOMEBODY'S GOING TO BE AN ORGAN DONOR BEFORE THEIR 17TH BIRTHDAY, JOSH NICHOLS!!!

Josh:
[To Drake and Yooka]: So, I'm gonna see Ick Glokmah.

Yooka:
Drake and I are married.

Josh:
Married?!

Drake:
Married?!

Mindy (to Josh):
I guess we're girlfriend and boyfriend!

Josh:
Fine, on one condition!

Mindy:
What?

Josh:
I get to be the boyfriend!

Josh:
You hear that San Diego?! Josh Nichols time has come! So look outside...(falls out the window)

Drake:
So, your project's about gravity?

Drake:
Josh, I don't hate you!

Josh:
But you must think I'm an idiot for dating Mindy.

Drake:
No, that's not why I think you're an idiot.

Drake:
So I don't like her, big deal. I don't like half the girls I date.

Josh (to Megan):
How do you know that?

Megan:
I read Dad's e-mail.

Josh:
How'd you get his password?

Megan:
It wasn't that hard. His password is "Password".

Drake:
Oh, THAT is dumb!

Megan:
It's a new kind of dumb.

Josh:
Yeah, it is. (walks over to his computer)

Drake:
Going to change your password?

Josh:
Maybe.

Megan:
When will the lobster be ready?

Drake:
Yeah, I'm bloody starving!

Josh:
Well, excuse me. I don't control the speed in which lobsters die!

Drake:
Josh! I think Dad's having... woman problems.

Josh:
Dad has cramps?

Josh:
YOU PUT CUMIN IN HIS WAFFLE?!

Drake:
You told me to put cumin in his waffle!

Josh:
I said cinnamon. CINNAMON!

Drake:
What's the difference?

Josh:
Everything! Cinnamon is sweet and delicious, cumin is a Mexican spice. You were flavoring a waffle, not a CHIMICHANGA!

Josh:
There are more important things in life than kissing girls.

Drake:
Name two.

Josh:
I can't!

Drake (to Mindy):
You're kind of a girl, right?

Mindy:
Well, if not, I've been buying the wrong underwear.

Drake:
Tori...

Josh:
(in a very girly voice) What is it, Drake?

Drake:
Okay, I'm not going to do this if you talk like that.

Josh:
I'm being a girl.

Drake:
What girl has a mustache other than your Grandmother?

Josh:
I've lost my sightless loopy boss!

Josh:
You left Helen alone in her apartment when she can't see? She could drown in her hot tub, or fall off her balcony, of suffer some kind of groove machine related concussion!

Josh:
[as Dr. Vichy-swaz] I kissed your wife!

Drake:
[looking at Josh's badly injured left foot] Oh man, that looks like Mom's meatloaf! (family stares at him) Which tastes SO good!

Walter:
[After discovering Josh's foot] YOU COULD LOSE THAT FOOT!

Josh:
[whining] But I love this foot!

Drake:
It works... [Josh glares at Drake]

Josh:
[After discovering he needs surgery] Oh, they're gonna carve me up like a Christmas Ham!

Josh:
Are you...are you copying my answers?

Drake:
No...I'm just comparing your answers with the answers I'm about to write.

Josh:
Admit you made that whole story up.

Drake:
No!

Josh:
You started that fight!

Drake:
You calling me a liar?!

Josh:
I ain't calling you a truther!

Walter:
All right boys.

Josh:
You ruined my first baseball game.

Drake:
"[mocking Josh]" Oh poor little Josh didn't get his Foam Finger.

Audrey:
That's enough Drake.

Walter:
Stop it Josh.

Josh:
You want a mouth full of fist?!

Drake:
You want a butt full of foot?!

Josh:
Bring it Parker!

Drake:
You bring it!

Josh:
YOU BRING IT!

Megan:
COME ON! BOOB FIGHT!

Drake:
You know what, I'm not gonna fight you. I've got a better idea.

Audrey:
Drake

Josh:
What do you mean, better idea?! I'm SPEAKING TO YOU!

Drake:
You don't get it, you know why? Because I'm Number One.

Josh Takes it From Drake, He Angrily Roars & Fights Drake, Then rips the Foam Finger

Drake:
You crossed the line.

Josh:
You crossed the line 8 Years ago.

Drake:
[Angrily Points his Finger] Get out!

Audrey:
So, how was school?

Drake:
You're the worst.

Josh:
You sicken me.

Audrey:
I see.

Megan:
Anybody want more chicken?

Josh:
I hope you go bald.

Drake:
I hope they cancel Oprah.

Josh:
Take that back.

Josh:
I hope you go bald!

Drake:
I hope they cancel Oprah!

Josh:
[stands up pointing a 45 longslide at him] Take that back!

Walter:
All right. Dinner is over.

Josh:
There was no poor little girl. What would a dying British orphan be doing at a Padres game?

Drake:
Orphans love baseball!

Drake:
What are you doing in MY room?!

Josh:
This is the livingroom. And uhhh... (checks pulse) Yeah, (points at himself)... LIVING!

Drake:
Yeah well, not for long!

Josh:
Ok, you wanna tussle?

Megan:
Wow. I was awesome then.

Megan:
What? You might grow old, never get married, and die alone?

Josh:
No... But thank you for pointing out that possibility.