Drake & Josh, Season 4

Mrs. Hayfer:
Drake! You were supposed to write your essay of current events.

Drake:
That´s what I did.

Mrs. Hayfer:
No, this is just the newspaper of this morning with your name written in the top of it... with crayon.

Drake:
Well, I think there is nothing more current than that. Right, Josh?

Josh:
Please, leave me out of this.

Mrs. Hayfer:
You know what it means, Drake?

Drake:
An "F"?

Mrs. Hayfer:
That's a question you always get right! And Drake, guess what?

Drake:
What?

Mrs. Hayfer:
I hate you.

Drake:
I know.

Drake:
Did you see those teeth?

Josh:
Do you see the stain?! What's this dog's problem?

Drake:
Its problem is it wants to eat us, and we're in here.

Drake:
Mrs. Hayfer asks you to watch her house, but doesn't mention her dog's a killer.

Josh:
It's not on the list!

Josh [After Drake imitates him in an Italian accent] Okay so when did I like become Italian?

Animal Control Guy:
I've never seen anything this scary, and I fought in Nam!

Drake:
Nam?

Animal Control Guy:
You know, Vietnam.

Drake:
Where's that? New Jersey?

Animal Control Guy:
What's wrong with him?

Josh:
We're not sure.

Animal Control Guy:
I made a duck.

Josh:
Why is it so much fun to watch cheerleaders fight?

Drake:
Don't question it, just love it!

Drake:
Your the dog catcher here.

Josh:
Yeah. Why don't you get out there and control that beast?

Animal Control Guy:
Nuh uh uh!!! I'm not going out there and let that monster chew my butt up. I'm gonna sit right here on this toilet. Thank you very much!

Drake:
Fine, i'll just call Craig and Eric and tell them to bring it back.

Josh:
No, we can't do that.

Drake:
Why not?

Josh:
Cause, Papa Nichols threw Eric's against the wall and broke it, and Craig's mom thinks cellphones cause ear sores!

Mindy:
I love you.

Josh:
[shocked] See you in chemistry. (Closes the door) DRAKE!!

Drake:
Two for two.

Josh:
[runs in] Drake!

Drake:
[pulling back the sling] Not now. I'm busy.

Josh:
Mindy just told me she loves me!

Drake:
[shocked, accidentally releases his sling and hits Josh's eye] What?!

Josh:
OH! [falls down to the ground]

Drake:
Hurry!

Josh:
[typing on the computer] Okay, we'll go to, uh, whatswrongwithmybody.com.

Drake:
Whatswrongwithmybody.com?

Josh:
I had it bookmarked. And we'll go to skin, disease, green, hands- [looks at Drake's hands] gross.

Josh:
Cypholic acid can be found in the urine in most lizards.

Drake:
Okay, so I just got to stick my hands and feet in- [reads the computer again] lizard urine?

[Drake and Josh are talking about different girls who used them for schemes]

Drake:
But then she got back together with her ex-boyfriend

Josh:
By the end of 4th grade, she weighed over 200 pounds.

Drake:
I kinda missed Allyson so, I started making out with her sister.

Josh:
Now, Becky Hummus wears gigantic pants.

Josh:
I never pull out before I embarass myself.

Carly:
Can I help you find a CD?

Drake:
Seriously...

Carly:
Huh? Seriously? I'm not familiar with that band. Why don't you check in the S section?

Drake and Josh:
HAPPY ANNIVER- [turn on the lights to reveal their living room as empty] -sery.

Walter:
[After a pause] Drake...

Audrey:
Josh!

Walter:
Where's our stuff?

Josh:
We've been robbed!

Drake:
Surprise?

Megan:
What happened!?

Walter:
Drake and Josh let bad people steal our stuff.

Sergeant Doty:
So let me see if I got this straight.

Josh:
Sure.

Drake:
Go ahead.

Sergeant Doty:
You two supposedly won a home makeover from some TV show you never hear of.

Josh:
That's right.

Drake:
Yeah.

Sergeant Doty:
And at their request you made sure that no-one was home today for six hours.

Josh:
Right.

Drake:
That's pretty much it.

Josh:
So what do you guys think?

Sergeant Doty:
I think you're idiots.

Police Officer:
Isn't your dad the weatherman on Channel 7?

Josh:
[Laughs] Yeah, that's him.

Police Officer:
He said it wasn't gonna rain on my kid's birthday. But it DID rain!

Josh:
Sorry.

Police Officer:
Yeah, me too!

Josh:
We have to replace Mom and Dad's furniture.

Drake:
Dude, do you know how much it's gonna cost to replace a whole roomful of nice furniture?

Josh:
A lot.

Drake:
Well, good thing you have a job. I'm gonna grab some tacos, gimme twenty bucks.

Craig:
Can I please take a break?

Steve:
YOU WILL TAKE A BREAK WHEN DORA FINDS HER WAY TO THAT BANANA TREE! COME ON, DORA, IT'S RIGHT OVER THERE! ABRE LOS OJOS! COME ON!!

Steve:
COME ON, DORA! ANDALE! ANDALE! MAS RAPIDO! YOU CALL YOURSELF AN EXPLORA ?!!

Steve:
COME ON, DORA! YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE MAP! DON'T ASK ME!!

Steve:
COME ON, DORA! IT'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!

Craig:
[Breaks the crank] It broke! The crank broke!

Gary:
My Uncle's got a boat!

Drake:
That's great Gary, so why don't ya climb into your uncle's boat and SAIL OFF TO ZOMBIE ISLAND!!!!!

Josh:
Man, we can't get into the Reptile Room [nightclub]. You have to be over 21.

Drake:
You are, Mr... [pulls out fake ID] Yakitori!

Josh:
[takes fake ID and looks at it] What's this?

Drake:
Fake ID, here check mine out. [pulls out his own fake ID and gives it to Josh]

Josh:
[reads the name on Drake's fake ID] Jefferson Steelflex?

Drake:
[laughs] Yeah, made it up.

Josh:
[sarcastically] Oh REALLY!

Josh:
So you're suggesting that we use fake IDs to get into a nightclub posing as... [reads the names on the IDs again] Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakitori?

Drake:
[laughs] Yeah. And hey, we gotta be there before 10:30 because I'm pretty sure...

Josh:
It's illegal to use fake IDs!

Drake:
Well its illegal to rob banks but people do it!

Josh:
Yes, people who are BANK ROBBERS!

[After Audrey and Walter read the names on Drake and Josh's fake IDs]

Audrey:
Jefferson Steelflex?

Walter:
Alvin Yakitori?

Drake:
They could be names.

Josh:
Yeah, on planet Crazy-tron!

Walter:
You know I can almost understand you doing something this stupid [to Drake], but you? [to Josh]

Josh:
[Miserable] He tempted me with churros!

Audrey:
That's your excuse? A fried Mexican pastry?

Josh:
Have you ever tasted one?

Blaze:
So who are you guys?

Drake:
Uh, I'm uh... Jefferson Steelflex.

Josh:
Alvin Yakitori. And you are?

Blaze:
Blaze.

Josh:
[laughs] Why they call you Blaze?

Blaze:
BE QUIET!

Josh:
I see.

(Drake and Josh, in disguise as Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakitori, pretend to have an argument in front of Blaze and his crew. Drake then begins hurting Josh with a banana.)

Blaze:
Hey Don't beat that boy with a banana!

[Drake then pulls up Josh, whose face is smothered with fake blood, the criminals groan in disgust]

Drake:
How are ya going grab the governor with just (yanks a fake hand off of Josh's real hand) One hand? (The Criminals yell in fear and disgust as Drake bites a finger off the hand)

Criminal 1:
He yanked his hand right off!

Criminal 2:
And ate his finger!

Criminal 3:
That dude is Pyscho!

Blaze:
Oh I'm gettin out of this place!!!