Drawn Together, Season 1 Quotes

Spanky:
Can you believe this kid? He's on the phone all day with his old lady!

Captain Hero:
Dude, I don't blame him. The talent here is pretty weak, man. I mean, sure I'd stick and stir any one of these broads, but I really wish we had one of those hot black chicks.

Foxxy:
Bling, bling! Foxxy's in the house!

Captain Hero:
Whoa, I'm pretty good at this! I wish we had a twelve-year-old girl and a donkey! [Camera shifts from the door to Captain Hero several times; nothing happens] Damn.

Foxxy:
You know this vote is total crap. She was totally into it! You saw us tongue bangin'!

Captain Hero:
Sorry, Foxxy. But if I vote you out now, I'll be one step closer to the million dollars.

Foxxy:
Million dollars? You know this ain't one of those kind of shows, right? There no prizes!

Captain Hero:
[In confessional] Silly Foxxy, she'll never win the million dollars with THAT attitude.

Foxxy:
Now, what was that bitch thinkin'? Foxxy ain't a slave to nobody... nobody but the rhythm!

[Lyrics to Some Black Chick's Tongue]

Clara:
What is this thing in my mouth?

It's slippery and its slimy

Traveling down my slender virgin pink esophagus

Some black chick's tongue,

It's such a new sensation.

Foxxy:
I got a mayonnaise momma on my licking hole, oh yeah, Foxxy's gettin' some.

Clara:
It's really quite thrilling.

Foxxy:
That's right now, you know.

Clara:
I think I taste a filling.

Foxxy:
And it's solid gold.

Clara:
Never dreamed I'd be so willing to let myself go.

Foxxy:
Tell me about it, I'm totally frenchin' a racist ho!

Clara:
This black chick's tongue. What a wonderful feeling.

Foxxy:
Damn, where'd this bitch get her earrings?

Clara:
I've never had so much fun.

Both:
As with this black chick's tongue.

Captain Hero:
How cool is this? We've only been here a day and I already find myself in a three way

Spanky:
[laughing] Oh my God! She thinks you're our servant, 'cause you're black! Ha ha, this is the best day of my miserable life! SWEET! I love racism!

Toot:
Sometimes I cut myself to relieve the pain. Hee hee hee! Toot!

Spanky:
I call dibs on the cat-fight. [Spanky starts urinating on Foxxy and Clara's cat-fight dust cloud] [as he sheds a tear] Why must I ruin everything beautiful?

Captain Hero:
Hey, pig! Great news! Foxxy just bought us an insane amount of alcohol! [pause] Captain Hero: Are you defecating into a cantaloupe?

Spanky:
[farts and craps] Uh... this is awkward. I guess if I just waited an hour, I could've chalked this one to the booze, huh?

Captain Hero:
Dude, you are so whipped. How many lives have you spent on this "girlfriend," anyway?

Xandir:
8,293,506 - not counting Quad-Forces and power-ups.

Captain Hero:
Well, the way I see it, she keeps getting kidnapped on purpose. I see it all the time, chicks just want me to swoop in, fondle them and save them, but of course, by the time I get there, they're totally fine or already dead. Either way, there'll be some serious fondling!

Clara:
[on phone with the producers] I was totally violated! I want Foxxy Love gone! [garbled phone speech] I don't know if a tequila brunch would help... I guess it's worth a try. [last night's events are sped up with everybody wearing sombreros] That was a horrible idea! I was totally violated... again! I want Foxxy Love gone!

Toot:
I'm Toot, I'm a sex-symbol

Xandir:
I'm Xandir. I'm on a never-ending quest to save my girlfriend!

Toot:
Girlfriend?! You have a girlfriend?! When were you gonna tell me about this girlfriend?!

Xandir:
But, we just met, like, two seconds ago?

Toot:
Oh yeah? Well, can your stupid girlfriend do this?

[Toot dances The Charleston, shaking the house due to her weight]

Captain Hero:
Save yourselves! [Flies out of the house]

Blue Ball:
[In confessional] usually, Clara looks to us for advice, but this time it came from Spanky. And it was a good thing too, because I was going to ask her to shoot the president.

Foxxy:
I never met anybody who didn't wanna kiss Foxxy...except...maybe Papa.

Spanky:
I saw Princess Clara with tears in her eyes. Man! Nothin' reminds me of my first time like a chick cryin'!

Captain Hero:
[in confessional] I tell ya, ever since that kid set foot in the house, all he's said is, "I'm on a never-ending quest to save my girlfriend!"

Xandir:
[in various flashbacks] Where are the paper towels? / Oh, no! I think my watch is broken. / Grapes are fun!

Captain Hero:
Dicks. [Leaves confessional]

Toot:
If I can't be the sex symbol, then I can definitely be the BITCH!!!

Ling Ling:
Ling-Ling kill you slowly and use your skull for sex, and a decorative bird house.

Wooldoor:
What a cute dog! Want a bone, fella?

Ling-Ling:
[In confessional] Ling-Ling no dog! Ling-Ling here to destroy all, and to give children seizures!

Spanky:
[In confessional] We gathered up in the living room to vote Foxxy out. To be honest, I was totally looking forward to voting that hot, black chick out. Oh, wait a minute, not... not voting, I mean "eating".

Clara:
Foxxy, I want to apologize.

Foxxy:
Oh, you can apologize... by shut the f*** up!

Wooldoor:
[after the fart bubble he's in pops] I'm free! Ha ha! I'm free! I'm free! I'm free! I'm free! Wait, my immune system! I'm not strong enough to live outside the bubble! [starts to crumble and screams]

End Credits Bonus:
Captain Hero waits for a 12-year-old Girl on a Donkey

Captain Hero:
Toot made us all realize that we may not have a lot of time left. So, I decided to write down my innermost thoughts in a journal. Here's an excerpt: "I don't know how much longer I can last. Papa says that when I get out, I can have a new dress. When will I have my first dance, my first kiss?"

Spanky:
What are you doing?

Captain Hero:
These are my dreams! Mine!

Toot:
What happens in fairy tales after the princess has her first kiss? Hmm?

Clara:
She runs away with a sexy one-eyed pirate who loves as fiercely as he lives.

Toot:
Not that fairy tale, food-for-brains! The other one!

Clara:
Let's see. They live happily ever after in a castle with a couple of... kids! Oh my God, I am pregnant!

Ling-Ling:
[in Japanese gibberish] Oh my God, the sink's full of dirty dishes again.

Prince Charming:
[after firing off a gun] I just wanted to see if this thing worked, before I blew my charming brains out!

Spanky:
I, for one, am not just going to wait around to be swallowed by a giant vagina! [thinks for a minute] Huh? Oh... wait, no, no, no.

Ling-Ling:
Know what you can do? DO YOUR OWN DISHES, ASSHOLE!!

Captain Hero:
Ling-Ling's right! We must kill the beast.

Captain Hero, Toot, & Xandir:
KILL THE BEAST!

Spanky:
Misinterpret Ling-Ling!

Captain Hero:
Ahoho, we fell for the old 'neck-sprain well-lit pie' diversion.

Xandir:
Brava, Foxxy. Brava.

Clara:
You guys can't tell anybody about my secret, and I'm afraid I'll need you to keep your silence with a pinky swear.

Foxxy:
I pinky swear.

[they look at Toot]

Toot:
Ugh! Fine, I swear too.

Octopussoir:
I pinky swear.

Captain Hero:
[knocks on door] Clara, Toot told us that you have a monster for a vagina and we want to have a house-meeting about it.

Clara:
How is that even possible? [stares at Toot]

Toot:
Oopsey-Tootsey. I couldn't help myself.

Captain Hero:
Now, I normally don't listen to women, or my doctor, but Clara's story gave me a special feeling in my lumpy, lumpy testicle.

Clara:
They all hate me, Foxxy. It's like I've turned into some kind of freak.

Foxxy:
Oh, come on, now. These things usually have a way of working themselves out, just like the time everyone found out you had a monster vagina between your legs.

Spanky:
Clara, this isn't easy to say, especially to a friend, but we've come to kill your vagina.

Captain Hero:
Sorry, Foxxy, but that vagina is dead meat-- curtains!

Foxxy:
When you was a little girl, your evil stepfather placed a curse on your vagina?

Clara:
What?! Weren't you paying attention? My evil stepmother... Mother! ...placed a curse on me!

Toot:
(to Foxxy) Uh-DUUUUUUUHHHHHH!!!

Spanky:
It's like my grandfather always said: It's not what's on the outside of a vagina that counts, it's what's on the inside

Captain Hero:
[in the confessional discussing the reward the housemates have just received] I thought the sewing machine was pretty lame, but someone was happy about it. [short pause] You know I'm talkin about the queer, right?

Xandir:
All my life I've had one purpose: to be on a never-ending quest to save my girlfriend. But, now that I'm gay, I have no purpose. I wish I were dead.

Ling-Ling:
Thank you, Spanky-san, for giving Ling-Ling honor in hat form!

Clara:
Xandir, instead of killing yourself, maybe you can just...stop being gay?

Foxxy:
Clara, that's just stupid! Homosexuality is something yo born with, like red hair or a dead twin

[Xandir has locked himself in the bathroom having found out that he is gay, whilst Foxxy, Clara and Spanky try to coax him out].

Foxxy:
[knocking on door] Xandir, please come on out. It's totally cool that your gay, stop beatin' yourself up!

Clara:
Seriously Xandir, it's not your place to punish yourself, it's God's!

Xandir:
[in the bathroom] Leave me alone! I'm taking another gay test!

Foxxy:
What? The only test in there is a pregnancy test!

Xandir:
Oh, great, now I've got two problems.

Producer:
[over speaker] House-guests, please report to the living room.

Wooldoor:
[in confessional] Since we'd gone 5 days without a hate crime, we were rewarded with a new household item! I sure hope it's a new stereo, ours is getting old.

[cut back to living room, a pterodactyl is being used to make a turntable play the 'Drawn Together' theme tune in the manner of The Flintstones]

Pterodactyl:
[squawking] It's a living.

Producer:
[over speaker] Roommates, we have decided to reward you with...

Captain Hero:
Come on, television...

Producer:
[over speaker] ...a brand-new, 36-inch, plasma...

Captain Hero:
Boo-ya!

Producer:
Sewing machine!

Captain Hero:
[annoyed] Boo-ya.

Foxxy:
C'mon Xandir, we all know you're gay. You don't have to keep living a lie. You know, I used to say I weren't black, I just tell everybody I fell into a vat of chocolate pudding.

Wooldoor:
[licking Foxxy's foot] You mean this isn't pudding?

Foxxy:
Did I tell you to stop licking?!

[Xandir, Foxxy and Wooldoor are in a bedroom performing the Gay Test. Foxxy is asking Xandir questions from the test].

Foxxy:
OK, question 1: you gay?

Xandir:
No!

Foxxy:
Question 2: homo say what?

Xandir:
First of all Foxxy, I'm not an idiot! OK, I've heard that one like a million times! And secondly...wait, what?

Toot:
Of course Xandir's gay, why else wouldn't he be attracted to all this?

Wooldoor:
'Cause you're fat! And nobody likes fat chicks! Wheee!

Xandir:
Dare I say it? I am Xandir and I am on a never-ending quest to save my boyfriend!

Xandir:
Good-bye, cruel world! [dies and comes back] Good-bye, cruel world! [dies and comes back] Good-bye, cruel world... this could take a while.

Lord Slash'n'Stab:
Hahaha! I will steal this lamp for no particular reason! Hahaha!

Toot:
[to Xandir] Damnit Xandir, the noise! You're keeping us all awake! Can't you kill yourself more quietly like Bizarro Captain Hero did?

[They look at a body that is hanging from a tree]

Captain Hero:
Uh... yeah. Killed himself. Of course. Tragic.

Pac-Man:
[lisping] Oh, my. Isn't this juicy? Does your girlfriend know?

Xandir:
Listen, Paccie, I know my girlfriend is best friends with your ex, but there's no reason that Ms. Pac-Man has to know I'm gay.

Pac-Man:
[puts on a bow] Oh, sweetie... I think she already knows.

Bizarro Captain Hero:
[at Xandir's gay bash] Oh, hello hello Captain Hero, I not seen you since initiation into League of Heroes.

Captain Hero:
[grabs Bizarro Hero] Zip it! What happens in Bizarro World, stays in Bizarro World.

Bizarro Captain Hero:
Well, technically, bathroom at bus station not considered Bizarro World.

Captain Hero:
Oh, c'mon! If you're in a bus station, and they're selling postcards for Bizarro World, you have to assume you're in Bizarro World, right? I mean, am I crazy?

Foxxy:
Tell me the first thing you see. [pulls out Rorschach ink images of; a rooster,]

Xandir:
Cock. [ Willie Nelson,] Willie. [an Asian man,] Wang. [ Woody Woodpecker,] Woody. [same image,] Wood. [same image a third time,] Pecker. [a medieval catapult with ink lines,] Blue-veined custard chucker. [a Welshman with an eye patch doing a jig,] One-eyed wiggling Welshman. [a banana wearing a helmet and aiming a gun at a donkey's anus,] Pink-helmeted, milk-shooting man-banana plunging into the hole of an ass!

[Ling-Ling shows his bloody hands]

Spanky:
I know, Ling-Ling, what you need is some good old-fashioned positive reinforcement. You can do this. [starts whipping Ling-Ling] You're special because you're you! There's two I's in Ling-Ling! Just do it! If you can seave it, you can achieve it!

Foxxy:
Call her. Your girlfriend deserves to know you love mangina.

Xandir:
Foxxy was right. She did deserve to know. And I do love mangina.

Clara:
So Xandir finally found a new purpose and a new love, and like all fairy tale endings, I'm sure he'll live happily ever after... until God casts him into the fiery pits of Hell, of course. But until then, he'll be happy.

God:
That Clara is such an asshole. I love the gays! Come on, they're adorable! And calling hair gel "product"? That's just fancy, that's what that is! [a penis appears out of nowhere] What the...? Hello. You're a funny fella. [sniffs the penis] What's your name? [pokes the penis]

[After Hero complains that the prize is a sewing machine]

Wooldoor:
[talking to Captain Hero] Gee Mr. Hero, we can always sew a television.

Spanky:
That has to be the dumbest thing I've heard since I taught those special ed classes. But...seriously, those kids try hard.

Genie:
Look, buddy, there's lots of gay reasons to live. I myself enjoy the ballet, grapes and snerf-nurgling cranollas.

Clara:
Wait, you mean, you're a gay too?

Genie:
Uh-DUHHHH!

Spanky:
Just get her royal heiny to sing again. I'll trap the critters, and we'll eat like dingoes in a maternity ward!

Clara:
My friends! They're all dead! DEAD! BECAUSE OF YOU!

Wooldoor:
What? I am so sorry!

Clara:
I thought you were my friend!

Wooldoor:
I am your friend!

Clara:
YOU'RE A MURDERER!!

Wooldoor:
[hugging Clara] I know! I know! Are you as turned on as I am?

Clara:
WHAT?! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SAY?!?

Wooldoor:
I'm sorry. It's that when I'm terrified I say the craziest things. [pause] Can I borrow five bucks?

Clara:
Just go, Wooldoor! In my room, my purse is in the top drawer. In it, there should be like five or ten dollars!

[Wooldoor leaves, sobbing.]

Clara:
[singing] Bullies are people who hate themselves.

Abused at age six, or molested at twelve.

So they pick on others, isn't it odd?

Because their real quarrel is with God.

Who's afraid of a bully?

Wooldoor:
Me.

Clara:
Not me. [singing] For there are much better things to be frightened of.

Like people of color and gay homo love.

So stand up to the bullies, stand tall and true!

Just like Jesus stood up to those misguided Jews.

Wooldoor:
Wow, you're right!

Clara:
Now who's afraid of a bully?

Wooldoor:
Not me! No, not me!

Clara:
When you stand up to that bully --

Wooldoor:
He'll flee!

Clara:
Oh yes, he'll flee like the pathetic, insecure, cowardly loser he be!

[after Wooldoor stands up to Spanky while singing Clara's song]

Spanky:
[singing] He's not the only one who can sing from his heart,

I have the feelings inside that... Oh, f*** this shit! [walks off]

Foxxy:
The considerable alternative is anorexia. All the benefits of bulimia with none of the mess.

Toot:
Does it really work?

Xandir:
Of course it works! All you have to do is make sure to look in the mirror every day and see yourself as ugly and obese no matter how much weight you lose.

Ling-Ling:
Then everyone's happy.

Foxxy:
Bulimia is very destructive. To our personal property, bitch!

Xandir:
Toot, we all know you're bulimic. We don't know how you got started down this horrible road.

Toot:
But you're the one who showed me how to--

Xandir:
All that matters now is that we get you to stop.

Xandir:
Poor Toot was feeling fat and sad. It was up to me to help her feel better about her disgusting, revolting, and hideous body.

Toot:
I was so happy. With an endless supply of food, I could finally fill the loveless void inside me. Hee hee hee, Toot!

Clara:
For the food competition, we were split into two teams. The winners would eat like kings, but the losers would get no food at all, and surely starve like Mexicans.

Ling-Ling:
Ling Ling wake up inside land whale. Nothing to do. Only sex with chicken.

Foxxy:
We'll always have Paris. That's what we called it when I smashed his penis with a lead model of the Eiffel Tower.

Captain Hero:
I've never bowed to any villain, or any Asian person, even though it's the polite thing to do. And I won't bow to Foxxy!

Captain Hero:
My super stomach was super dissented. So I put away my pride, and my mildly amusing elephant underwear, and returned to Foxxy

Foxxy:
It seems that every week my team gets the easiest challenge. It also seems that every week I blow the producers.

Spanky:
When I don't eat, I don't crap! And when I don't crap, I don't eat!

Spanky:
Just do it, or you'll be lying at my feet in a pool of your own blood! In my urine! Which also has blood, but it's MY BLOOD!

Spanky:
Hand over the chipmunk and nobody gets hurt. Except of course the chipmunk, which gets gutted, eaten, and eventually passed.

Captain Hero:
I never check myself. Not for you, not for ticks, and not for melanoma!

Captain Hero:
Our team had to invent a low-carb cure for polio before the other team could put an egg in a bucket.

Toot:
Hello, I'm Toot Brownstein. I play Toot Braunstein from the popular reality show, Drawn Together. In this episode, we poorly dealt with eating disorders.

Ling-Ling:
[In confessional] Ling-Ling so want visit from father. He great warrior/dry cleaner. He coined classic phrase... "No ticky, no washy."

Captain Hero:
I know I should have been more mad with Spanky, but I just won 50 bucks!

Captain Hero:
Bleh, you are the wind beneath my wings.

Bleh:
"Contrived, manipulative, and shamelessly sentimental" raves Peter Travers from Rolling Stone.

Captain Hero:
We come from two different worlds. I come from the planet Zebulon and you came from a mom who drank when she was pregnant.

Clara:
What's a Bleh? Is that one of your jive words like "emancipation?"

Captain Hero:
Damn! Clara's cousin is so hot! [his nipples harden]

Spanky:
Yeah, she's, like, retarded hot! [his nipples also harden, followed by four additional ones]

[Captain Hero notices there is a dart in his neck]

Captain Hero:
What the...

[cut to Clara holding a blowpipe]

Clara:
Just a little added protection. You get the antidote when I get my Bleh back.

Xandir:
It just didn't make sense. When we licked Ling-Ling last time we got all f***ed up, but this time nothing happened. Well, we got a little aroused... but not f***ed up!

[After Bleh leaves]

Spanky:
You OK, man?

Captain Hero:
No, I don't think I'll ever be OK

Spanky:
Hey, I'm sorry, man. Wanna to grab a beer? Spin it and kiss whoever it points too?

Captain Hero:
No. Not right now

[pause]

Spanky:
How about now?

Captain Hero:
Yeah, all right.

[Captain Hero, Spanky, and Wooldoor are playing "Spin the Bottle" and when Captain Hero spins it lands on Wooldoor]

Wooldoor:
WHEEEEEEEEEEE!

Captain Hero:
Hey! If you're going to be gay about this, you cant play!

Wooldoor:
Sorry.

Captain Hero:
Clara totally had it all wrong. Bleh was an adult, and perfectly capable of making decisions on her own...or not.

[Xandir and Toot kiss Ling-Ling again, nothing happens]

Xandir:
Why isn't this working?!

Toot:
Maybe we have to eat Ling-Ling.

Xandir:
Why is it that when something doesn't work your first reaction is to eat it? [flashback to Toot eating the TV] Toot! What are you doing?!?!?!

Toot:
I couldn't find the remote...

[poking Ling-Ling with a stick]

Xandir:
Look at me! I've become the very thing I hated most!

Toot:
A guy who pokes things with sticks?

Captain Hero, Spanky, Wooldoor:
Triple kiss!

Captain Hero:
Yes, I was confident that by the end of the night I'd have another notch on my utility belt and fifty bucks in my pocket, but then, I realized something. Bleh, she was really special, but not in a retarded way. In a traditionally special way.

Spanky:
Well, nice work, Captain Hero. Here's the fifty dollars I bet you to have sex with Bleh. [Clara gasps] Oh, I mean here's the fifty... dollars Captain Hero won off me because I bet him he would not have sex with your special cousin, Bleh, but he did, in fact, have sex with her... for fifty dollars. Whew. Saved it.

Captain Hero:
Foxxy, what's the matter?

Foxxy:
There's a ma-hazzle, Captain He-zazzle

Captain Hero:
I'm sorry, Foxxy. I don't speak Blackanese.

Clara:
You're in a wheelchair. Society no longer values you.

Spanky:
Yeah, and even if they did, you don't even where they've taken Foxxy

Captain Hero:
We're all on a reality show, uh-duuuuuuuuuuuuuuh!

[Spanky challenges an unconscious Foxxy to a game of Win, Lose or Draw.]

Spanky:
[showing a drawing of the promotional poster for Jaws] You know this one! It's a movie! It's about a hideous, remorseless beast!

Toot:
Time's up

Spanky:
It's Yentl! YENTL! YOU SUCK!

[Captain Hero is trying to use a cane with his mouth to get an orange juice container]

Clara:
Do you need help with that?

Captain Hero:
No, I've got to learn to do things for myself now [He spills the container on his pants] Damn, now my pants are all wet!

Clara:
But the container didn't even open.

Captain Hero:
I know…

[Wooldoor, dressed as a doctor scans Foxxy until he finds a problem.]

Xandir:
What is it, doc?

Wooldoor:
My dear house mates, I'm afraid Foxxy Love does not have a brain tumor. [the other housemates breathe a sigh of relief.] I too would be relieved, if it didn't happen to be ... OPPOSITE DAY!!!

[dramatic music string]

Clara:
Wait a minute, I'm confused. Does Foxxy have a brain tumor?

Wooldoor:
No.

[dramatic music string]

Toot:
What the hell? Is it opposite day, or "dramatic music string day"?!

Wooldoor:
Neither!

[dramatic music string]

Wooldoor:
Boys and girls...the brain! [the other housemates get out notepads.] This is the part of the brain that controls your reflexes. [touches the brain and the patient's leg lifts up.] This is the part of the brain that controls your bladder. [touches the brain again and blood squirts up from the patient] Man, that guy needs to see a doctor.

Spanky Ham:
Why, is red pee bad?

Toot:
What the hell does this have to do with Foxxy?!

Wooldoor:
I'm getting to that! This is the part of the brain that controls negative stereotype behavior.

[He touches the brain once and the patient lifts up.]

Male Patient:
[As a Jewish stereotype] Oy! I'll sue you for every penny! And then I'll invest it wisely

Wooldoor:
You ask me if I have a God complex? I am God.

[After the soldiers have taken Foxxy]

Spanky:
Captain Hero, do something!

Captain Hero:
I can't...I gave up my powers! NOOOOOOOOO!

Captain Hero:
Follow me! [sees a set of stairs] NOOOOOOOOO! [sees another set of stairs] NOOOOOOOOO! [sees yet another set of stairs] NOOOOOOOOO!

[After Hero manipulates evolution and creates people made entirely of boobs]

Captain Hero:
I just realized... I'm an ass man. NOOOOOOOOO!

Toot:
"Tumor?" "Racism?" Dr. Wooldoor, are you just making up words again, like "morbid obesity" or "adult-onset diabetes?"

Clara:
You know, at first I was uncomfortable with the idea of showering with another woman, but then the producers forced me.

Captain Hero:
Damn it, people, Foxxy's in trouble! Now is the time for us to stand up--or remain courageously seated--and be the heroes I know we can be! Now who's with me? [nobody reacts] [annoyed] There's an Orange Julius along the way!

Clara:
How dare you look at us naked with your X-ray vision!

Rhino:
Seriously, how dare you! I'm leaving. By which I mean the planet! Unless things change, people. Unless things change...

Spanky:
[about the racially-stereotyped Native Americans in one cell] Now, see, that's not funny. Those people got a raw deal.

Spanky:
Don't you see? These cartoon characters are a part of our heritage, our history. Sure, they be a part we're not particularly proud of. But to deny it...well...that's just dangerous. Almost as dangerous as denying Holocaust, or slavery, or the playful advances of your shop teacher.

Mickey Mouse:
[sympathetically] You've really given me something to think about Spanky. [evilly] While I kill these politically incorrect freaks! [laughs manically as he activates the conveyor belts with the stereotypes]

Xandir:
You got the tickets to the zoo?

Captain Hero:
What? I thought you had them! [Xandir holds up the tickets and they laugh] Oh, Xandir, trick me like that again and I'll f***ing kill you.

Pizza Man:
May this life bring you the happiness it has so consistently denied me.

King:
I'm doing this for your own good. You need to stay away from a.) this house...

Clara:
Well then, I guess this is goodbye. [the doorbell rings] Well then, I guess that's the doorbell. [the pizza man shows up at the door] Well then, I guess that's the pizza man.

King:
What the hell do you want?!

Pizza Man:
Someone ordered the pizza.

Spanky:
That would be me. No one puts baby in the corner.

Bodyguard:
Hear ye, hear ye! The King is about to barge in unexpectedly!

Clara:
Please, Spanky, give me a second chance. Didn't you get one when you were given that dead teacher's liver?

Spanky:
You're right. [takes a bottle of liquor] Here's to second chances! [chugs the bottle]

Wooldoor:
If anyone needs me, I'll be in the Clock Tower. [cocks a sniper rifle]

Spanky:
I'm sorry, I don't remember ordering this pizza... [opens the box, and a turd is in it] with sausage!

Clara:
Lately, I feel like there's something missing.

King:
Did you check the colored girl's room?

Clara:
No, I mean there's something missing in my life

King:
You are a princess, uh-duuuuh!

Clara:
I know that, father, but I long for so much more

King:
Of course you do, that's because you're a princess, and that's what princesses do-- they long for more. Or die in a car-crash in France.

[While Clara and Spanky are pulling the prank with the pizza man]

Foxxy:
Oh, I've seen this a million times. Daddy's little girl falls for some bad boy, and then she go and get herself pregnant and sells the child on the black market to pay the bills. [sad voice, with tears in her eyes] Poor little Timmy. Mommy misses you.

Spanky:
[In confessional] The princess was so excited, I figured I give her a chance and call the pizza-man. That was a big mistake. I mean, it wasn't as big a mistake when I converted to Islam in August of 2001, but, still pretty big.

Clara:
[In confessional] What a fiasco. The pizza would be here in thirty minutes or less. And with Foxxy's hands still stuck in her hair, she was more useless than a Mexican.

Spanky:
Little game? Did you just say "little game?" The travel size edition of Battleship, that's a "little game." Screwing around with the pizza man, that's a way of life, my friend!

Toot:
Blah blah blah! I'm Captain Hero and I can fly! And I...

Captain Hero:
Do you mind, fudgy? I'm on the phone!

Toot:
I don't care. I gotta call my AA sponsor!

Captain Hero:
[in a girlish voice] I said I'm on the phone!

Captain Hero:
Go to the mall? Is that some kind of gay code? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Xandir:
Sometimes I think Captain Hero cares more about those boots than our friendship. I bet they never slew the Man Troll on Rainbow Mountain. I said "slew," right?

Clara:
Father, what happened?

King:
On my way home, I was carriage-jacked! [everyone in the room gasps] They took everything! My crown, my jewels, but not my innocence... No, I lost that a long time ago when I was but a naive prince who would do anything to please his jousting instructor. Anything.

King:
Now, Clara, do you promise to stay away from that boyishly handsome pig?

Foxxy:
Here's how it's gonna go down. I'm gonna finish my hair. Spanky, you order the pizza. And Clara, you go into the confession room and tell the camera how you never felt so aliiiiiivvvve.

Clara:
[In confessional] My first naughty prank! I've never felt so aliiiiiivvvve!

Xandir:
And where have you been? I walked that entire mall all by myself.

Captain Hero:
Oh, was that today?

Xandir:
Yes, that was today!

Captain Hero:
Sorry. I had to restore peace to the Middle East. Again. Boy, those Muslims are kooky, man! I mean, have you read that Koran? It's mostly knock-knock jokes

Xandir:
You used to care about me... about us.

Captain Hero:
What?

Xandir:
You used to say I was pretty.

Captain Hero:
No, I didn't.

Xandir:
You used to dress up for me.

Captain Hero:
Just that one time

Captain Hero:
I figured, what the hell. Make the gay kid happy. Besides, I know a certain pony-less superhero who had a few choice words for Mr. Claus.

King:
Oh, Clara, how could you? I trusted you... [In confessional on the TV] I can't believe my daughter deliberately disobeyed me. She left me no choice, I had to care her home

Clara:
[To the TV] No, father, no!

King:
[In confessional on the TV] And then Clara protested, but my mind had been made up.

Clara:
Father, talk to him.

King:
Oh no, I'm not getting in the middle of this!

King:
Clara, what are you doing?

Clara:
I am laughing, Father. Laughing!

King:
My goodness, you are! I've never seen you so happy.

Clara:
Because I've never been so happy.

King:
Oh Clara, that is all I've ever wanted for you. Who knew it was dooting on pizza that would make you so happy?

[Lyrics to This Is Our Version]

If so, it's supposed to be

Just like the song in Dirty Dancing

The one where they talk about having the greatest time

While they set the dirty dance floor on fire

So, this is our version, though

The chords are not quite the same

And the melody is different

It's even kinda lame

But hell, it's the best that we could do

We had to make something fit

So given the scene, it's fitting

If it sounds like...

[the song stops abruptly when Clara starts to defecate on the pizza; the last word is apparently "shit"]

Foxxy:
But if we don't fight, or drink, or f***, or suck, or jerk, or three-way f***, or necro-f***-philia, then the Producers won't have no show to show.

[the girls have just finished watching the Jesus movie they made]

Foxxy:
That was great! So now what? We go door to door and give out free copies?

Clara:
Free? Are you nuts? We can sell these at ten bucks a pop and rake in the cash as a new wave of anti-Semitism sweeps the country... Wait, was that not the challenge?

Foxxy:
Now Foxxy Love did not want a riot to break out. Even though she sho' could use a new TV set!

Toot:
Before coming on this reality show, how many times have you guys really been in a Mexican standoff?

Clara:
Oh, what a cute name for it!

Wooldoor:
Twice!

Bucky Bucks:
I am Bucky Bucks, eccentric billionaire. The producers have sent me here to announce a competition, the winner of which will help me run my billion dollar empire.

Clara:
Bucky Bucks?

Foxxy:
Billion dollar empire?

Spanky:
Parody of The Apprentice?

Foxxy:
Now, I didn't like the Jell-O wrestling idea, but the producers gave me a golden opportunity, and just like that necklace some fool left on Clara's dresser, I'm gonna take it.

Toot:
Ugh! You were just gonna leave that there? Bitch, pick it up!

Captain Hero:
F*** you, fatty foopah!

Toot:
Pick it up or I'm sending you back to hell! [pulls a gun at Captain Hero]

Clara:
All right, Toot, drop your weapon! [pulls a gun at Toot]

Xandir:
No, you drop it! [pulls a gun on Clara]

Spanky:
Nobody holds a gun to my girl, but me! [also pulls a gun on Clara]

Wooldoor:
All right!! Let's f***ing do this!!! [has a lot of mulitiple arms with guns, knife, etc. pointed at everyone but himself] I'm not afraid to DIE!!!!! [sprouts yet another arm with a gun pointed at himself]

Toot:
Let's blow this goddamn house to bits!!

Xandir:
We went to a children's hospital and had them put their faith in the Lord instead of those silly pills and potions.

Bucky Bucks:
Very nice. How about you guys?

Clara:
We made 617 million dollars.

Bucky Bucks:
[to Xandir and the rest of his team] Wow, you guys got your asses whipped!

Bucky Bucks:
Xandir, I can't help but think this is all your fault.

Xandir:
What?! But I'm a Certified Air Traffic Controller with Ten Years of experience!

Spanky:
I heard Gay Traffic Controller, with Gay Years of experience! [high-fives Captain Hero]

Bucky Bucks:
Spanky brings up a good point.

Toot:
Like the unfortunate head of a boy with a pituitary gland disorder, my army was slowly growing!

Captain Hero:
The Pillsbury Doughbroad is right! [pokes Toot in the stomach]

Toot:
Hoo-hoo!

Captain Hero:
Oh my god! We're trapped? I'm, like, totally freaking out! I wish the Green Lantern was here! He always knows how to relax me... [rubs his nipple suggestively]

Xandir:
We're all gonna die!

Captain Hero:
I guess it really is gay over! [high-fives Spanky]

Spanky:
Yeah!

Toot:
Cut me, Ling-Ling, cut me. [Ling-Ling takes a razor to Toot's leg] Ahh...

Foxxy:
Now, we're not blowin' up anything. Some of the greatest leaders in history like Gandhi, Doctor King, and Rocky IV to a lesser extent, achieved the possible through non-violent means.

Foxxy:
That's right, Producers! We figured out your little game. Mama didn't raise no fool! And Papa didn't raise me at all!

Foxxy:
Toot, I know nobody has ever said this to you before, but you was right.

Toot:
Uh, DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Toot:
Nobody throws me face-first into Jell-O but ME!

Xandir:
[repeated line] What is going on?

[First lines]

Jew Producer:
(offscreen) This is the Drawn Together house, where eight different cartoon characters from all over the animated universe will live together in front of a million cameras. Introducing: Princess Clara, a musical and bigoted fairy tale princess. Wooldoor Sockbat, a fucking annoying, wacky whatchamacallit. Foxxy Love, a mystery-solving musician with a sweet ass. Toot, a black-and-white heartthrob from '20s. Plus, she's fat. Ling-Ling, a sociopathic Asian trading-card battle monster. Xandir, a totally gay video game adventurer. Spanky Ham, a crass internet download who farts on retards. Captain Hero, another person in the house. This is Drawn Together, the first ever animated reality television show, ever.

Foxxy:
So you see, Clara. You can't get pregnant from a kiss.

Clara:
But...[She stands up and runs off into upstairs] But...Oh no! [crying]

Foxxy:
Well, what's wrong now? You should be happy you ain't pregnant.

Clara:
No man will ever want to put his pee-pee in my giggy!

[Lyrics to La-la-la-la Labia]