Abbott Elementary, Season 2

Janine:
After making many phone calls and pretending to slip on a beer can at the Flyers' arena, I've managed to get the only celebrity that matters to come surprise our kids on the first day of school. America's favorite orange, furry sweetheart, Flyers mascot, Gritty!

Melissa:
Yes!

Janine:
Yes!

Ava:
You should've said that as soon as you stood up. No need for those other words you said. Yes, Janine!

Barbara:
The kids are gonna love this.

Melissa:
Yes!

Janine:
I know, right?

Gregory:
I don't get Gritty.

Together:
Gritty! Oh!

Ava:
Ain't he cool? Look at him picking that belly-button lint. Celebrities! They're just like us.

Mr. Johnson:
Gritty! My man! Your mom doing all right?

Gritty:
(squeaks)

Gregory:
I get it now. I'm not not a fan.

Gritty:
(squeaks)

[final lines]

Jacob:
And it's been almost a year, okay? It is beyond time that they reboot "Spider-Man" again.

Janine:
Yeah, you're right. I love it. But who can replace Tom Holland?

Melissa:
I'll tell you who... That little magical cutie, that Harry Potter.

Gregory:
Daniel Radcliffe?

Melissa:
Yeah.

Janine:
Ava, have you seen a... Is this you?

Ava:
Oh. That must have fell in there by mistake. Mind your business.

Gregory:
What you looking for?

Janine:
Uh, I lost something.

Ava:
What? Your sense of style? Ha ha! Up top!

Janine:
No.

Ava:
You a hater.

Gregory:
What'd you lose?

Janine:
Uh, it was a shawl that was in my classroom. It was my warmest one. I am so cold. [CHUCKLES]

Gregory:
You think someone took it?

Janine:
Who would just take a shawl?

Janine:
Really?

Melissa:
Yeah. Oh, God. I'm gonna regret this, but... you just come to my place tonight.

Jacob:
What time? I mean, can I come? I need you to help me with my wine pairings. Zach... he gets embarrassed when I ask the clerk for the, "second least expensive bottle."

Melissa:
Well, I couldn't think of a reason why you can't quick enough, so yeah, I frickin' guess you can, buddy.

Janine:
Yay.

Melissa:
And we'll just get rid of that.

Janine:
Whoa.

Janine:
Would you look at this? The kids love it, and the juice is flying off the trays.

Jacob:
Yeah, maybe next year we could get real meat.

Janine:
Mmm. Mm. What's that I taste? Is that the nectar of sweet victory? Yeah, the kids are having more juice, but less sugar, and they seem very happy.

Barbara:
That's nice, dear.

Erika:
You brought "Trivial Pursuit."

Janine:
Yes, and people had fun playing it in between illegal drinking. What are you doing here?

Erika:
Oh, well, I guess my nephew's in your class. He's dressed as Baby Thanos. I'm helping my sister with drop off this week. How are you doing, though? I saw on Facebook you and Tariq broke up. He made a memorial page for your relationship and everything.

Janine:
Yeah, I asked him not to do that. Um, but, yeah, I'm ... I'm doing fine. Just had to take a step back ...

Jacob:
Psst! I think we might just be able to nip this commercial in the bud. Melissa called in a favor.

Janine:
And now you've made me an accessory.

Jacob:
She's got a friend who's a lawyer.

Janine:
Oh, fun. Okay.

Jacob:
Yeah.

Student:
Mr. F. A. D. E.!

Tariq:
Aw, yeah.

Janine:
Yeah, they do. It's crazy.

Mr. Morton:
Uh, my eighth-grade students and I will need the gym and a safety ladder next week.

Gregory:
For a dunk contest?

Mr. Morton:
No. We'll be doing the egg drop. Appreciate it if everyone can bring any eggs that they can spare.

Ava:
Well, sounds like you got it all out. I'll see you in an hour.

Janine:
Oh, no. Wait. I think, um ... I think I might, uh ... I don't think I'm gonna be able to come in today.

Ava:
So dramatic. Next time, start with that.

Janine:
Look, I have a binder I keep for subs. It has ev...

Ava:
Venus, call in a sub for Ms. Teagues' class. Preferably male. 6'2 ", 6'3" in boots. A Gregory Eddie type. Headshots if you got 'em.

Venus:
Ava, there's a county-wide sub shortage. It was in the memo the district sent last week.

Ava:
What? I have no record of that.

Venus:
It says, "Attention Principal Coleman. Urgent. Must Read."

Ava:
They all say that.

Gregory:
You don't want to stick around to see if Barbara drinks enough fun punch to do the heel­ toe?

Janine:
Oh, no, I definitely do. But, um, I'm meeting Erika. So, I gotta go get ready.

Gregory:
Oh. Leaving a school function early? That's new.

Janine:
It is new. I am having a life outside of school.

Gregory:
Well, that's nice. I'm also going out with some friends tonight.

Janine:
Okay, cool. Well... I hope you have a good time, and enjoy your break.

Gregory:
Yeah. You, too.

Janine:
Yeah.

Melissa:
Slide Babar into a Ziploc bag. Now, listen, Ms. Teagues thinks that her class can outread you, but that ain't gonna happen. So what time is it?

Children:
Game time!

Melissa:
That's right. Deja, Levi, Bryana, come on up here for a second. Alright, listen up. You three are very strong readers, so I'm gonna need a lot of pages from you. Can you handle it?

Deja:
We got this, Ms. Schemmenti.

Melissa:
Alright! That's my girl. Go get 'em, kids.

Mya:
I'm gonna read more books than anyone.

Levi:
Yeah, right.

Melissa:
Levi, Mya's gonna do her best, alright? Just like everybody else.

Janine:
What was that?

Gregory:
Nothing.

Janine:
Did I see your last name on it?

Gregory:
It's a flier for my dad's landscaping company.

Janine:
Aww. Uh, is that your brother?

Gregory:
No, I'm actually an only child, but apparently appearing to be a family business help: bring in customers.

Janine:
That's... Sorry, so your... Your dad, he hired an actor to play his son instead of just asking you?

Gregory:
Yeah.

Janine:
I think I'm confused.

Gregory:
You're not.

Ava:
Well, he fine. Can I have your fake brother's real number? I'd like to climb that family tree.

Passerby:
No, thank you.

David:
Ms. Teagues, people aren't paying attention to us.

Janine:
Don't give up yet, David. Sometimes you just got to put on a little show, you know, so that they can't ignore us, right?

Student:
Excuse... Excuse me, ma'am.

Janine:
It's not the most current dance, but, uh, I do it really well, so...

David:
Hello, sir. May I interest you in some delicious candy?

Maurice:
Hell no. Good luck with your fake basketball team, though.

Janine:
Hey.

Ayesha:
Hey.

Janine:
Hey. Happy birthday.

Jacob:
Happy birthday, Ayesha!

Janine:
That's my friend, Jacob.

Jacob:
Great to meet you!

Ayesha:
Yeah, nice to meet you, too.

Melissa:
Single-file line, most flammable kids first, and remember... no running!

Ava:
Everybody out! This is a real fire in the teachers' lounge! This is a real fire! This is not a drill! Hootie-hoo!

Janine:
Wait, Ava, where are you going?!

Ava:
I'm protecting my peace. The firefighters are almost here. Y'all got it!

Janine:
Okay, real fire.

Gregory:
Um, okay, um... A-Alright, two, three, four, five.

Janine:
You guys up. Turn that way.

Amber:
Hey!

Gregory:
Hey.

Amber:
Ooh. The weekend couldn't get here fast enough. Work was a lot this week. Very excited for a breather.

Gregory:
I can't wait to show you what I have planned. We have snowshoeing, a coal jewelry workshop, and tree-ventures just to start.

Amber:
I thought we were gonna be, like, relaxing... in a hot tub.

Gregory:
We are, after the firewood harvesting forum.

Amber:
Seems like you have a lot planned.

Gregory:
That's the best way to relax... On a strict schedule.

Amber:
Okay. Oh, boy. Okay. So, um, I don't think we're on the same page... again.

Gregory:
Well, I'm on page nine. Where you at?

Amber:
Gregory, put the book away. It's not really a book, but okay. I don't wanna do any of this.

Gregory:
What do you want to do?

Amber:
Nothing. I wanna do nothing.

Gregory:
Okay. I hear you. I think I can schedule in some nothing time after the snow hike.

Amber:
We need to talk.

Student:
Damn.

Barbara:
I hope this isn't another assembly about a new e-mail system. I am not doing two-step verification. They can just hack me.

Melissa:
They did hack you. Remember when your account sent out all that pornography?

Barbara:
I do not.

Melissa:
Okay.

Janine:
Hey. Is that seat taken? 'Cause I can stand. It builds chair-acter.

Barbara:
I know. I was like, "Mm!"

Melissa:
You don't have to make a decision. Well?

Gregory:
Well, what?

Melissa:
What's with the hat?

Gregory:
Oh, this? It's nothing.

Barbara:
It's the loudest nothing I ever saw.

Mr. Johnson:
Boy, you just can't mosey in here with a brand-new hat and act like you're not wearing brand-new hat.

Janine:
Here it is. Item number seven of next week's school board meeting. "A proposal to transition Abbott Elementary into a Legendary Charter School for the 2023-24 school year."

Jacob:
Times New Roman, the most decisive of the fonts.

Melissa:
Well, I guess that's it. Draemond goes to the school board, we become a charter.

Jacob:
This is horrible. I can't be a charter teacher. I-I don't have the wardrobe for it.

Gregory:
School district's gonna hang us out to dry yet again. Can't we call the teacher's union or something?

Melissa:
All they can do is help us find a job at another public.

Janine:
Hey.

Gregory:
Hey.

Melissa:
Ugh! Disgusting.

Janine:
Alright. Wow, we're just not biting our tongues anymore? This is vintage.

Melissa:
Okay, no. There's a green bubble on the group chat.

Gregory:
I have an iPhone, but I left the group chat after Mr. Johnson started that soup thread.

Jacob:
Uh, it's me, okay? I-I got a new phone. A droid.

Janine:
Wait, there's a group chat?

Barbara:
Feeling under the weather?

Vanetta:
It's cold and flu season somewhere.

Barbara:
Well, I'm sure that's true. Lovely of you to come by and see Janine at work. It meant so much to her. She talks about you all the time.

Vanetta:
Can you believe she's never invited me here before?

Barbara:
I really can't. You've raised a wonderful daughter. I hope you're extremely proud.

Vanetta:
I am. You know, she's a Penn grad. Her sister, on the other hand... well, you win some, you lose some.

Barbara:
I have had the great pleasure of watching Janine grow so much. I mean, this year alone, working for her students and on herself, building up the confidence and the money to treat herself to a much-needed vacation.

Gregory:
Huh?

Maurice:
Wait, wait, wait. So, for clarity, you don't think you were being selfish?

Janine:
No.

Maurice:
Oh, so it's normal for you to invite a guy to his favorite barbecue restaurant just to break up with him in front of his friend who you kissed but didn't actually date?

Janine:
I didn't think of it that way.

Maurice:
Yeah. It stung a little bit, but it's all good. I, too, become selfish sometimes. For example, I'm ghosting this girl right now. You know, she thinks I'm dead, but this convo, it inspired me to reach out to her, send her a text. I wouldn't want to hurt her.