Married... with Children, Season 11

Woman:
Look: I'm a 5, and you are going to sell me a 5 if I have to sit here all night.

Al:
So because you're mad at me, you're gonna take it out on a perfectly innocent chair? A chair that has suffered enough already.

Woman:
Well, I have just about had enough of you.

Al:
Well, you wouldn't say that if I came with fries and a medium drink. You know, medium: the size between small and you.

Marcy:
Peggy, Kelly, as your civil defense block captain, I'm taking charge. You are to follow my orders without asking any questions.

Kelly:
So we're supposed to act like Mr. Darcy?

Kelly:
Have you seen my lucky audition blouse?

Peg:
What's it look like?

Kelly:
See-through. Maybe that's why I can't find it.

Peg:
Uh, honey, why don't you stay home and bowl me over?

Al:
Because, Peg, I prefer a place where my balls are returned properly.

Sketch Artist:
So you were robbed by a pirate who looks like Brad Pitt? Are you sure this is who we're looking for?

Peg:
Well, he's who I'm looking for.

Officer Dan:
Al, I thought we agreed you weren't going to carry a gun.

Al:
Don't worry. I know how to handle this thing.

Peg:
That's what he said on our honeymoon.

Jefferson:
Look, Al, God forbid she doesn't make it - the important thing is you get right back on the horse.

Al:
Well, thanks, Jefferson, but how's sex with my wife gonna make me feel any better?

Al:
See, that car has been with us in good times and bad times.

Peg:
And when are we getting to the good times?

Al:
When you're on life support.

Peg:
You never bring me flowers.

Al:
I would if you died.

Cal:
Did you play pro ball?

Al:
Well, I could have, but I had a career ending accident.

Cal:
Knee?

Al:
Marriage.

Al:
You know, Peg, I hate to be a needy husband, a demanding husband and your husband, but where the hell is my pie tin?

Peg:
Why don't you check under the couch where I keep all the other dirty dishes?

Al:
Once again Peg, way to home make. See now, I can't quite reach.

Peg:
Here, wanna try my bonbon retriever?

Al:
This pie tin is worth 25 cents towards one of Aunt Matty's famous sweet potato pies.

Marcy:
Well, if she's so famous, how come I haven't heard of her?

Al:
I don't know. Maybe because she doesn't make chicken pies.

Al:
Ladies and Gentlemen! And Marcy.

Bud:
This is so low! It says here that you're both 6 months pregnant by Billy Ray Cyrus!

Kelly:
Really? Well, how come Mom is showing and I'm not?

Peg:
I AM NOT SHOWING!... and you're grounded.

Kelly:
Calm down, Mom, it's bad for the baby.

Bud:
Kelly, hello? You're not really pregnant!

Kelly:
Pffeew. Looks like we squeaked by that one, hey, Mom?

Shirley:
Al Bundy, you are charged with Crimes Against Obesity.

[The fat women marches in the shoe store]

Fat Women:
2, 4, 6, 8, Don't make fun of our weight. 2, 4, 6, 8, Don't make fun of our Weight!

Al:
[standing up] 1, 2, 3, 4, You're gonna fall through the floor.

Peg:
Hey, that's our dinner coupons, you fat cow!

[The fat women are insulted. Gwen, in a black daisy dress, confronts Peg.]

Gwen:
No. No. No. We...we don't like to be called FAT!

Peg:
Then STAY HOME!

[Flashback to Al fitting a pair of shoes to a fat woman named Enid]

Al:
Are we finished here?

Enid:
Well, I'm not sure I like this shade of blue.

Al:
I'll tell you what I'll do then. We'll stand you in front of a mirror, I'll begin strangling you. When you reach the shade of blue that is satisfactory to you, you yell "Moo" and I'll stop.

Enid:
That's it, I'm taking my business elsewhere.

Al:
May I suggest Jenny Craig.

[Flashback to a fat girl named Penelope.]

Penelope:
With this attitude, you're gonna be working here for the rest of your life.

Al:
Well take a gander in the seat next to you if you want to see what your future looks like.

[Penelope looks at her mother who is overweight and offended at Al for insulting both of them.]

Fat Woman:
Come Penelope, let's go someplace where the treat us with respect.

Al:
I'd try the moon, you'll weigh less there.

Inspector:
Mr.Bundy, you had a month to get this place in shape.

Al:
You had your whole life to get yourself in shape and you don't see me condeming you.

Peg:
Oh, Al! It's time for your conjugal visit.

Al:
No! No! Help me!

Peg:
Shut up Al! You're my bitch now!

Al:
My Pumpkin is becoming a princess. Gee, if only I could trade my cow for some magic beans.

Peg:
Al, I don't like these twin beds. It's unnatural.

Al:
Anything involving you in a bed is unnatural, Peg. Just put on your snore strap and go to sleep.

Al:
I hope one of these bills is for a coffin, because your shopping is killing me.

Peg:
Al, don't make me stop shopping. You'll destroy my life.

Al:
Good; then we'll be even.

Bud:
Something burning? Has Mom been ironing?

Al:
No. Nothing as unusual as that. I sold my soul to the devil.

Kelly:
For riches and diamonds?

Bud:
Kelly, we're talking about Dad's soul.

Kelly:
For a Canadian penny?

Lucifer:
All right, Mr. Bundy: since you find hell such a picnic, uh, how about this? For the rest of eternity, you'll never see your family again.

Al:
This is heaven.

Mandy:
Actually, Al, I'm involved.

Al:
Who's the lucky guy?

Mandy:
Barbara.

Al:
Barbara? Sounds like he's a little light in the loafers.

Mandy:
Actually, she's a little heavy in the construction boots.

Al:
How did a thing like this happen to you? Were you stood up to the prom? Go to prison? I know, it was summer camp, wasn't it? You sprained a muscle skinny dipping, and the beautiful blond counselor, let's call her Betty, carried you back to her cabin and gave you a massage; and before you knew it, you were a love slave in an all-girls sex cult.

Mandy:
Yeah, that's what happened. You saw that in a video, didn't you, Al?

Al:
Yeah, my favorite.

Mandy:
Mine, too. So you don't have a problem with two women being together?

Al:
No, as long as there's a guy watching.

Al:
It was a bad day today, Peg. One minute the biggest woman in the world was in front of me. I was trying to wedge a size four on her foot with my lucky shoe horn. The next minute she was gone.

Peg:
The woman died in your store?

Al:
Not the woman Peg, the shoe horn. Look at it Peg, crushed like a beer can at a Raiders game.

Peg:
Al, I'm afraid. Hold me.

Al:
Peg, Peg, my life's in danger here. It's important I maintain my will to live.

Peg:
On this very special occasion I want you to wear the dress that I wore on the happiest day of my life. Unfortunately, the football team kept it.

Al:
Now let me tell you something. We Bundys may have our faults; but we believe that marriage should be forever, no matter how pitiful or disgusting it may be to wake up to the same horrifying face each day. That's what the marriage vows are all about; and anyone who can't stand the nagging, bonbon-eating heat should stay out of the whining, sex-starved kitchen.

Gary:
I've got to restock the store, and so I'm donating all of these old shoes to poor Filipino orphans.

Al:
Well, they made them; why would they want them back?

Kelly:
Hey, guess what? I finally got my masseuse license. You know what that means.

Bud:
You can rub men and finally get paid for it?

Marcy:
You've only got time to take your most prized possession.

<Kelly looks down at her breasts>

Kelly:
Can I take two?

<Peggy is dragging the TV>

Peggy:
Can I get a little help here?

Al:
A fat woman hedgehogged her way into the shoe store today.

Marcy:
Great, Al. Now you can put that metal plate back in your head. Of course, that's like putting a lid on an empty jar.

Al:
Or a bra on you.

Al:
We have two eager, young boys hanging around us. Do you know what that makes us?

Griff:
Michael Jackson?

Customer:
I don't understand why these shoes don't come in a lower heel.

Hal:
Oh, they will. Just stand up on them.

[Flashback to a previous encounter between Al and Shirley]

Shirley:
Where do you think you're going? Aren't you open?

Al:
Sorry ma'am, but unlike your mouth, we occasionally close.

Shirley:
I want my money back! These shoes fell apart after only one day and I wanna know why!

Griff:
Well you see, ma'am, this is a pliant heel with a cork filling...

Al:
Whereas you are a giant seal with a pork filling.

Shirley:
You haven't heard the last of this! What goes around comes around!

Al:
Well judging by your orbit, looks like I have about ten more years.

Kelly:
Oh, no! Mom needs to see one of those people who brings you to his office and asks you to take your clothes off.

Bud:
The principal?