Mr. Show, Season 4 (Oct. - Dec. 1998)

Gerald Hennessey Imposter (Bob Odenkirk):
This is not a playground so leave your lunchboxes at home, as well as your games, and um, jokes, and balls, and riddles.

Gerald Hennessey Imposter (Bob Odenkirk):
You come in here with heads filled with soup, when you are done with law school, your brain will be like a steel trap with the bloody foot of law inside it, crying out for its mommy!

Gerald Hennessey Imposter (Bob Odenkirk):
By the time this class is over, two of you will be murdered. One of you will commit suicide. One of you will get injured…in the leg. Two of you will quit law school because it's so hard…and you'll go off to run an apple butter farm.

Pharmacy "customer" (Brian Posehn):
I know what you mean...my doctor says I need marijuana to get high.

Hitler (David):
Get used to it, Hitler.

Talk show audience member (Jerry Minor):
You need to respect the baby, 'cause life is precious... and God... and the Bible.

Talk show host, Todd Linder Flohman (Bob):
You stupid, petty, Prince-looking, no-island-remembering motherf***er!

Derlin Whittier, talk show guest (David):
Before I die, I'm gonna f*** me a fish.

Yale Hadderity, investigative reporter (David):
Oh, my scammy flammy mammy!

Bob:
... the Itty Bitty Tittie Committee.

David:
Let's hear it for the IBTC. They work hard!

Incompetent kidnapper (Bob):
One...thousand dollars if you ever want to see my toe again.

College friend watching underground video (Brian Posehn):
No shit!

Wyckyd Sceptre band member #1 (Bob):
Dude, show me your weenis!

Wyckyd Sceptre band member #2 (David):
Look at my hard dick, Isn't it rad?

Wyckyd Sceptre band member #3 (John Ennis):
I'm so f***in' horny, dude!

Wyckyd Sceptre band member #2 (David):
Well then dude, suck that shit!

Byron T. Lebockwith, Racist in the Year 3000 (David):
You can't trust a man what's made of gas! Not you, Zaxon, you're one of the good ones. There's white people made of gas, you know what I mean.

Byron T. Lebockwith, Racist in the Year 3000 (David):
My relatives didn't move here to be put out of work by some shifty-eyed, lazy, yellow-metal, China-bots!

Byron T. Lebockwith, Racist in the Year 3000 (David):
Keep 'em comin', Gleep Glop...

Bob at 4 years old (unknown):
Mommy, What's a Gagortion?

David:
Hey, Bob? Um, I was wondering...um, so...do you still like to party?

Glenn Petersen, phone sex guru (Bob):
Horny Slut Hot-line. This is Peppermint.

Glenn Petersen, phone sex guru (Bob):
You're just jealous because I'm more of a woman than you'll ever be!

Denny Whitkin, performing "The Audition" (David):
Can I use this chair?

Del Crow (Bob):
Already our little one's got a scholarship to Miss Lily's Finishing School.

Interviewer:
What's that?

Del Crow (Bob):
It's a - a school where they teach ya - how to finish.

Burgundy Loafe customer (David):
You want me to shit in a box while I'm eating dinner?

Larry Kleist, rapist (Bob):
Hello, Larry is my name. Insurance is my game. Raping was another game of mine...

Member of press (David):
Tom Boudinir, Cabington News, pedophile. I..sodomized my nephew. Juuuust what is going on over there at that zoning board??

Anthony "One Time" Branca (David):
The both of youze can grab onto my books, mother-father, Chinese dentist.

Father of Thomas, the adventurer (Bob):
Nooooo! Let Thomas do it himself. Climbed Mt. Everest!?!?

Lane Wellesby, actor trainer and handler (John Ennis):
There's a reason for the phrase, "as dumb as an actor".

Jonathan, blind girl's friend (Bob):
Well, then if you're blind, how do you know I'm a ... homosexual?

Dougie Bendel, Dalai Lama (Bob):
William van Landingham?!

William van Landingham III (Jerry Messing):
The Third, my dear boy!

Dougie Bendel, Dalai Lama (Bob):
A rap, rap, a rap rap rap. A rap, rap, a rap tap tap. Get rappin' with it. Heyyyyy. Get rappin' with it. Hohhhh!

Professor Murder (Sam Sarpong):
Damn, his science is too tight!

Go-to" guy (Jay Johnston):
Hey mom, could you pass the gravy?

"Go-to" guy's mom (unknown):
That wasn't part of the deal!

David (as "himself"):
You know, Jill's ingested so much soil, her stomach oughta be listed in the "Worm Apartment Guide"!

Reverend Ralee Kolunda/Kolunda's sidekick (Jerry Minor/David):
Be kind, Rewind.

Garry Flank documentary voiceover (Bob):
That's when tragedy struck. Captain Tragedy.

Max Packer:
I've got a five inch taint

Larry Branson (Bob):
'Til death do us part, asshole!

Larry Branson (Bob):
Maybe he wasn't such a chicken-shit after all ... Bartender? ... My life!

Hypnotherapist (Becky Thyre):
What are you doing in the cemetery, Charles?

Charles ______ (David):
I just wanna dig up a corpse and have sexual relations with it!

Civil War Reenactment piece narrator (Jeff Goldblum):
He dreamed of one day finding a box of money.

Edmond Premington (Bob):
You feel it first in your scrotum.

Member of Edmond Premington's audience (David):
You don't know what words mean, do you?

Edmond Premington (Bob):
When the African lion attacks....

Member of Edmond Premington's audience (Jay Johnston):
Nipples on your ass...?

Reporter (David):
And I understand you met Napoleon?

2000 lb. Old Man (Bob):
Met him?...I et him!

Telethon caller (Bob):
Hey I got a fake asshole...y'all got fake poo?

Lucian, He Who Watches All of Television (unknown):
The irony's as bittersweet as...tears on Turkish Delight!

Lucian, He Who Watches All of Television (unknown):
Oh, happenstance!

Dr. ______ (Bob):
So if you want to talk to gamblers...and masturbators...

Cyrus ______ (David):
Frame it, bury it, walk 20 paces away, dig it up in 15 years and teach the world to sing!

Cyrus ______ (David):
Who dares question Ryan Dorn?!

Jill Talley:
Sad songs are nature's onions.

Becky Thyre:
Sorrow is the key that gets our tears out of eye jail.

Willips Brighton (Bob):
And my heart feels like a mouth full of sores. A mouth full of sores ain't no fun.

Willips Brighton (Bob):
Take it from me, a guy who has mouth sores, I know the value of a mouth without sores.

Horace Loeb (David):
I'll miss you... me.

Bob:
With our help, you'll laugh your sales right through the... roof!

Young Josh Fenderman (unknown):
IT'S PUMPKININNNNNNY!!!

Girlfriend (Jill):
...you GAVE people blowjobs?

Boyfriend (Bob):
The most people!

Member of "2001:
A New Wave Godyssey" (Scott Aukerman): Heavens to Betsy, I've invented a praying machine!

Larry Turnauer, a.k.a. Marilyn Monster (David):
And don't forget to break some rules. But... Don't break any rules.