The O.C., Season 3

Summer:
Before Trey, I never actually knew anyone in a coma. Well, I mean on The Valley there's someone in a coma like every week - but I think that's just so when they wake up, another actor can play the part.

Summer:
You gotta admit, Coop, whatever happens, Ryan facing off with Trey to avenge your honour - God, that is so freakin hot! In a mythic, biblical, Samurai, western kind of way.

Seth:
[talking to Ryan about Trey, who is in a coma] I kind of like him this way, he's a better listener. Sorry, I get talkative around coma patients. It's a compensation thing.

Summer:
Should we bring him a snack? What does Ryan eat?

Seth:
Dry cereal from a box and black coffee.

Summer:
Oh, I love helping sick people. It's just they kept making me sick. So I've been reassigned to gun-shot victims, 'cause you can't catch one of those.

Summer:
There's nothing I hate more then perky blondes who want to take over the world.

Summer:
She's Taylor Townsend. She's, like, the Carl Rove of our school.

Seth:
So you can take Carl Ro- you know who Carl Rove is?

Summer:
Yeah, my step-mom sometimes naps in front of CNN. I hear things as I'm dragging her off to bed.

Seth:
I know you don't consider yourself as active.

Summer:
No, two hobbies: shopping and sunbathing.

Summer:
Captain Oats is a really good listener. Princess Sparkle, she just kinda stands there and looks cute.

Summer:
I will join the synchronized swim team, do rhythmic gymnastics, shot-put, collect stamps, march for women's rights, free animals from laboratories. You know, I will even read comic books with Cohen and his wack pack of social maladjusts. But, drama club: no.

Seth:
Okay, how about this: you and Marissa run away together.

Ryan:
Uh, last time I tried to run away-

Seth:
We were ambushed by the cops. Got it. So I guess your not up for the model home idea, either.

Ryan:
Uh, I thought we might be able start off with something that wouldn't involve me getting arrested.

Seth:
Is it my fault that most of our half-baked adolescent schemes go hopelessly awry and my dad has to bail us out?

Ryan:
Uh, usually, yeah.

Kirsten:
So your Grandpa's broke.

Seth:
Ryan and Marissa don't go to school any more.

Ryan:
Jimmy Cooper just sailed out of town again.

Seth:
I got two months of detention.

Sandy:
That's the great thing about this place. Nothing ever happens.

Summer:
(Leaving a message on Seth's answering machine) Cohizzle, you said you'd only be gone 10 minutes.

[Ryan and Seth come into the kitchen for breakfast.]

Ryan:
Where's all the cereal?

Kirsten:
Oh, I guess we're out.

Seth:
There's no bagels either.

Kirsten:
I thought we'd try something new.

Seth:
Mom, listen to me. I know this whole "Cooking with Kirsten" thing is helping you keep focused. But you can not preempt a man's regularly scheduled breakfast. It is a sacred routine.

[At Ryans goodbye dinner.]

Sandy:
Honey, this homemade pah tai is delicious, keep cooking like this we'll save a bundle on takeout.

Kirsten:
Oh thank you. I hope everybody likes it, i used tofu instead of shrimp.

Marissa:
Its fine by me, i think I've kinda gone off of seafood for a while.

Sandy:
I for one I love the tofu, tofuna, tofurkey, tobagel with cream tocheese. (Looks around) Too much.

Seth:
It was a valiant effort.

Seth:
Oh God, incoming.

Taylor:
Hey, guys, have you heard about the lock-in tomorrow night? The entire senior class is going to spend the night in the gym.

Summer:
Oh, we can't make it.

Seth:
Yeah, I'm taking off my arm with a hacksaw.

Chilly:
I don't get it, why don't you like me?

Summer:
I'm already dating a dork.

Ryan:
There's this guy, and he's gotten it in his head that he's gonna fight me.

Sandy:
Does this have anything to do with the fact that my car is now the "Lil Bitch"?

Ryan:
Maybe. I was gonna fix that.

Chilli:
I don't think this is going to work.

Marissa:
Sure it will.

Chilli:
Dude, you don't know Volchok. Last year some guy snaked his wave, so he went up on the pier and dropped a kitchen sink on him... Where do you even get a kitchen sink?

Seth:
Okay, picture me in college. Big fish in a small pond? Or small fish in a big pond?

Ryan:
Well, I don't know. I never really pictured you living in a pond.

Ryan:
So it's safe to say you're not going to Berkeley. Have you told your dad yet?

Seth:
Sandy Cohen is a perceptive guy. I'm sure he'll figure it out.

Ryan:
Seth, you've got to tell him.

Seth:
"Dad, I'm not applying to Berkeley... Where'd you get a gun?... Why do you have this gun?" Mmm, that doesn't have a good ring to it.

Guss:
Hey Julie...

Julie:
I got a gun, Guss.

Guss:
That's cool.

Summer:
Hey, guys, can't talk. I have to go see Dr. Kim.

Seth:
You in trouble?

Summer:
Uh, no. I have to change my college file. I got my SAT score.

Seth:
Summer, we got our SAT scores back months ago.

Summer:
Well, I took mine late. There was a Valley marathon the first time around.

Ryan:
Oh. How'd you do?

Seth:
Ryan, come on. You never ask a lady her age, weight or SAT score.

Summer:
I got a 2300.

[Ryan and Seth stare at her, dumbfounded.]

Summer:
What? That bad?

Ryan:
What's with all the questions?

Seth:
Nothing, I'm just trying to exhaust your issues so we can get to mine.

[Seth, Summer, Ryan, and Marissa are in the diner, discussing how they're going to help Johnny.]

Seth:
If any of you were remotely Jewish, I would just say we could pool our bar mitzvah money, but... Holy crap, that's it.

Summer:
What's it?

Ryan:
No, no, no, no, no.

Seth:
Yes.

Ryan:
No way, dude.

Seth:
Yes way, dude.

Ryan:
I'm sorry, I can't. I'm not having it.

Summer:
Having what?

Seth:
A bar mitzvah.

Summer:
Ryan gets a bar mitzvah. Now that is funny.

Ryan:
Yeah. Summer's laughing.

Seth:
No, that's just gas.

[Summer slaps Seth.]

Seth:
Now, listen to me. This wouldn't be an ordinary bar mitzvah. You know what this would be? Wait for it... A Chrismukkah bar mitzvahkkah. Spell that, dude.

Ryan:
That's crazy.

Seth:
Yeah, so crazy it just might work.

Ryan:
So, how's this going to work? I'm just going stand in front of Newport and sing Hebrew?

Seth:
You chant. And hell, yes.

Seth:
Jews don't believe in saints, just really good stand-up comics.

Sandy:
Ryan doesn't wear glasses.

Seth:
He does when he's reading from right to left.

Seth:
Oh my god, Kaitlin Cooper?

Kaitlin:
Weird neighbor kid, hi.

Seth:
You have uhh... You've grown...

Kaitlin:
Boobs?

Summer:
Ready to go? It's the third day of the Pride and Prejudice miniseries in English class.

Seth:
Summer, the show you are about to see has all the makings of a classic Jane Austen novel. It's got sisters, lies and bosoms.

Seth:
Marissa, I'm gonna need to borrow you for a second, 'cause, we're gonna have to work on Summer's birthday present.

Marissa:
Her birthday's not for like eight months.

Seth:
What to get the girl who has everything? We need to plan early.

Kaitlin:
Can you imagine growing up with Marissa Cooper as your older sister?

Ryan:
What do you want from me?

Marissa:
I want you.

Seth:
Summer found my stash.

Ryan:
You don't have any visible bruises. She… did she go for the kidneys?

Seth:
Trust me, man, no girl wants to be alone on Valentine's Day.

Ryan:
And you know this because?

Seth:
Because inside my manly exterior beats the heart of a 14-year-old girl.

Marissa:
Oh, my God. You're listening to your own voice.

Summer:
You see, on all the TV shows I watch, all these women have voice-overs. They even gave one to April on The Valley. Now, where most of these voice-overs, they don't make much sense, they do make your life seem more dramatic and meaningful.

Marissa:
So you think our lives need to be more dramatic?

Summer:
No. Not yours.

Ryan:
I guess you don't remember me saying 'small'.

Seth:
I did, I chose to ignore it.

Seth:
Ugh. Get a room.

Sandy:
Hey, count your blessings. Kids with affectionate parents grow up to be better adjusted sexually as adults.

Seth:
I know. I meant get a room. My room. And do it in front of me.

Summer:
What does she see in that guy? He's so dirty and greasy.

Seth:
He's got good abs. Women like abs. I got a six-pack myself. I know.

Summer:
Oh, Cohen, those are your ribs.

Ryan:
Seth, I gotta ask. Did you really get into Brown?

Seth:
Did I get in? Now who's smoking pot? Listen to me, the only class I've ever gotten less than an A in was gym. My essay on the loneliness of being Superman made Mrs Rushfield cry. So of course I... Oh God, how did I not get in?

The tour guide:
Kumar? Your name is Kumar?

Seth:
Yes. Kumar Zimmerman. I'm half Indian, I'm half Jewish. I am a Hinjew.

Seth:
What are you doing?

Summer:
Nothing. Looking for stamps.

Seth:
You're mailing a letter?

Summer:
Not without stamps. Let's go make out upstairs!

Seth:
Today's a good day for me, Ryan. I finally came clean, told the truth about not getting into Brown, and things are great. Life is so much better when you're honest, you just mean what you say, you say what you mean. I feel like you.

Ryan:
Well, now that you're on a roll, are you going to tell Sandy and Kirsten about Brown, too?

Seth:
Yeah, I don't think so.

Summer:
Cohen, there's something I need to tell you.

Seth:
That you're using me to get to my father?

Ryan:
You know, this is gonna sound weird, but can I drive you to the airport? You were the first person I met here, I'd kinda like to be the last person to say goodbye.

Marissa:
You know, it's funny. I was gonna ask you the same thing.

[Ryan gets out of his car after Marissa has directed them to a model home.]

Ryan:
Okay... This looks familiar.

Marissa:
Yeah, well, it shouldn't. They rebuilt it completely after you burned it down.

Summer:
You guys ever wonder what life would be like if Atwood never came here?

Marissa:
I definitely never would've talked to Seth.

Summer:
Ah, hell no. Me either.

Ryan:
See, you owe me one, buddy.

Seth:
Me? She'd [points to Marissa] still be dating the dude who shaves his chest.

Seth:
Dad, remember when I called you the worst father ever? Right after that, I swung by your place of work, I smoked a joint, I forgot to put it out and now your office fits into an ashtray.

Seth:
I'm gonna go the car and get my iPod, listen to sad, depressing music for a change.

Summer:
Is everything OK at home?

Seth:
Sandy Cohen and I got a little man-boy lovin' going on.

Ryan:
Hey! Let's go graduate!

Taylor:
But if I can leave you all with one final word of advice: Illegitimis nil carborundum. Don't let the bastards get you down!

Dr. Kim:
And it has been my pleasure to teach you, to watch you grow, and now enter the world. Good luck. It is my honor to present to you the Harbor School class of 2006!

Seth:
Ryan got a car? Really? I've been waiting 3 years for a car! I'm supposed to be the spoiled one.

Volchok:
(to Ryan) If I go down, you're going down with me.

Marissa:
Ryan, I brought Volchok on us, it's only fair I help get rid of him. Come on, we're in this together, ok? (takes Ryan's hand) One last time.

Ryan:
One last time.

Sandy:
We both screwed up.

Seth:
We're both usually so awesome.

Sandy:
Excuse me, forgive me, but I'm a very proud father, and I, I want to say a few words. I think I can speak for Kirsten and the other parents here tonight, when I tell you kids how thrilled we are to share this wonderful touchstone with you (applause). I know the last few years have been a little rough for us (everyone groans and laughs). There's been tragedy, and comedy, and first loves, and broken hearts. Family members were lost, and found. It hasn't all been perfect, but we're all family here. So cheers.

Julie:
Marissa, I just want you to know that, everything I ever did, good, bad, or otherwise, I did it for you. So that you could have a better life than I had. And I know I wasn't perfect. I mean, the thing with Luke and trying to frame Ryan for attempted homicide…

Marissa:
Mom, I love you. Ok, just know that. (both crying)

Julie:
Oh sweetheart, that's all I wanted. I love you too.

Marissa:
Besides, you know the strength it takes to start over, to go out on my own? That has to come from being Julie Cooper's daughter.

Julie:
I am spirited, aren't I?

Kirsten:
Then it's back to the Newport Group, business as usual?

Sandy:
Well, how 'bout not? I went back to my old office, the place looked worse than ever. The guy in there was beaten down, exhausted… oh, it was a thing of beauty.

Julie:
Oh, my God. Cooper family hug.

Volchok:
I asked you for clothes, not opinions. You chicks and your opinions, man.

Marissa (to Ryan; her last words before she dies):
No, stay. Don't leave.

Kirsten:
You know, you're gonna be exposed to a lot of new things in college next year.

Seth:
Yeah, horny coeds and alcohol poisoning.

Sandy:
Well, you've beaten the Sandy Cohen mind-melt. I was hoping if we gave you the space you needed, you'd realize that this is not the answer to your problem.

Ryan:
Yeah? Maybe my problem doesn't have an answer.

Kirsten:
Sure it does, Ryan. You keep out of trouble until you graduate, at the very least you'll end up at a good community college.

Sandy:
Yeah, you'll post of couple of semesters of good work then you could transfer to a four-year school.

Ryan:
Yeah, if you come from my family, it's not so easy.

Sandy:
We're your family now.

Ryan:
I may not be an Atwood anymore but I'm not a Cohen either. I don't know what I am.

Kirsten:
So you're gonna figure it out lost at sea.

Ryan:
Lost at sea, lost on my own, what's the difference, right?

Summer:
Will you quit peeping out the window, Cohen?

Seth:
You don't peep out of windows. You peep into them.

Summer:
Huh. You'd know.

Summer:
[to Taylor] Welcome to the terror dome, Townsend. You're busted.

Summer:
[when the college counselor asks her what she wants] I want 365 sundaes, I don't mean the day after Saturday.

Taylor:
Summer, feel my forehead.

Summer:
What? Why?

Taylor:
I have college fever. Don't you?

Summer:
Maybe. What are the symptoms? You become incredibly annoying?

Taylor:
[to Summer] Intimacy, it's a tricky business.

Julie:
Truth is, I moved out of a place like this when I was eighteen. I never thought I'd be back.

Guss:
Yeah, well, when I was a kid, I wanted to be the wide receiver for the Chargers. Sometimes life don't work out.

Matt:
[to Sandy, after watching him flirt with Kirsten] You two are so perfect together it's almost painful to be around.

Seth:
Did you just wack me with your tuba?

Summer:
Did you just jab me with your pegleg??!

Seth:
It was a tap, you little wacker.

Summer:
It was a jab, you little jabber.

Ryan:
[to Seth] The point is, Summer doesn't want to be you, she wants to be with you.

[Summer, Seth, Ryan and Marissa are at the nursery choosing Christmas trees]

Summer:
Look at the branch species. It's like Swiss cheese! Can it withstand heavier ornaments?

Marissa:
[watching Summer choosing trees] So that's a pastime.

Ryan:
[deadpan] Why not? We've been here three hours.

Seth:
Hey, get in the spirit man. It's Christmukkah. I love Christmukkah.

Marissa:
[smirks] So we've heard.

Seth:
Seriously, the best thing I've ever done. The Jewish boy wants Christmas. I gave myself that.

Sandy:
You mark my words, this will be the best Christmukkah ever. [kisses Kirsten]

Kirsten:
You're beginning to sound like Seth.

Sandy:
Well, it just means you'll listen less when he's gone.

Sandy:
The whole thing about a Bar Mitzvah is it's about becoming a man, not that you aren't one already. But if there were ever a time for an adult moment, this is it. Whatever's going on, set it aside until after tonight.

Ryan:
Will it be wallowing my pride?

Sandy:
I'm not saying it tastes good.

Ryan:
What is this thing you have?

Marissa:
What thing?

Ryan:
Always helping these kinds of guys.

Marissa:
What, the wounded loner types? [Ryan looks down smiling] Sometimes they turn out to be good guys.

Summer:
If we're gonna launch a successful campaign to get Marissa back into Harbor, we have to find someone who can organize the masses. Someone whom you'll follow, you know, into battle.

Seth:
Meet General Townsend.

Summer:
Affirmative.

Sandy:
A good cause, poor odds, a chance to ruffle some Newpsie feathers? How could I say no.

Kirsten:
[grins] Ohhh, the boys have poster boards and paint!

Sandy:
I love student activism.

Sandy:
You don't have to reinstate but you might want to.

Mercer:
Enlighten me, Mr. Cohen. Why would I want to do that?

Sandy:
Because sometimes a good kid goes though a rough time. And we might think that by closing a door to her, or to him, we're teaching a lesson. And when that child needs us the most, we're not there for them. There isn't a person in this room that thinks Marissa Cooper is a threat to anyone, or that she wasn't a model student nor that she wouldn't continue to be. So what are we doing here? Instead of proving a point, let's right a wrong. It's so rare in life that anyone gets a second chance.

Sandy:
A Cohen in the Ivy League. You did the work but I think our genes deserve some of the credit.

Sadie:
[to Ryan] You'll have this other world and I'll constantly be pulling you away from it. You won't get to experience college the way you should. I'm not gonna do that to you.

Kirsten:
[to Ryan, about Sandy] He's just worried about The Nana.

Sandy:
She is an excellent clapper

Seth:
She can do the two finger whistle

Kirsten:
And she's never taken a picture out of focus.

Sandy:
The woman was born for graduations.

Seth:
The less I say, the fewer lies I have to track.

Taylor:
In the rock-paper-scissors of romance, love trumps fear. Actually love trumps everything.

Kirsten:
What about you? You ok?

Ryan:
Ah, I'm a little nervous, actually.

Kirsten:
Ryan, Berkeley's gonna be a breeze. I mean, you conquered Newport and this town isn't exactly known for its hospitality

Ryan:
Yeah, but I had you and I had Seth and Sandy...

Kirsten:
Hey, you did this. You've earned your future. Enjoy it.

Julie:
Marissa, honey, you know, it's not too late for me to go with you. I promise I wouldn't embarrass you. I could pretend to a part of your entourage or you Scientology guide.

Julie:
[to Marissa] The Cooper women do have nine lives. I'm just glad you're on to your next one.

Wes:
I saw on your profile you're from Newport. Did you go to Harbor?

Ryan:
Uh, yeah.

Wes:
Yeah, a few guys from my poli sci club went there. Play water polo?

Ryan:
Uh, no...you know what? Actually I'm not really from Newport. I mean, I am but up until the last two years I was living in Chino.

[Wes looks at Ryan curiously]

Ryan:
Guess I figured I needed to get that out of the way.

Wes:
I think you'll be ok.

Ryan:
What do you mean?

Wes:
I got one roommate from Bangladesh, another one's from Partridge, Kansas, population 300. So, there's no mold here. It's pretty easy to fit in.

Ryan:
Ok, guess I'm not really used to that.