Weeds, Season 3

Drill sergeant:
Get your corn holly shit shit-stained asses over here!

Andy Botwin:
What's with all the...recurring homophobic imagery? I'm starting to worry about this guy.

Celia Hodes:
Doug, what's your take on this Majestic proposal?

Doug Wilson:
Basically, Majestic's overflowing a river of crap. It's got no place to go, but through us. Like a physical colonic. We got them by the sphincter. Shit highway could be our road to riches.

Sullivan Groff:
[Of a french restaurant chain]Same menu, same framed posters, same smell. It has a certain ... comforting predictability to it.

[Silas meets the returning character of PTO Pam in his community service]

Silas Botwin:
Mrs. Gruber?

Pam Gruber:
Silas!

Pam Gruber:
Did you know that if you drink and take Ambien, you can randomly blackout and run your car onto a boulder?

Pam Gruber:
[points to a fellow community service worker] Who's that cute Latino guy?

Pam Gruber:
[when Silas ignores her] It's so hot! Why don't you take your shirt off?

Silas Botwin:
I'm fine.

Pam Gruber:
You have nothing to be ashamed of, you're...you're young and lean like ostrich meat.

Silas Botwin:
Have you been drinking, Mrs. Gruber?

Pam Gruber:
Don't tell! Anyway, it isn't illegal unless you're behind the wheel of a car, is it?

Silas Botwin:
I guess not!

Pam Gruber:
[suddenly leans up to Silas and whispers in his ear] I'm wet!

[Silas goes back to work with a bewildered look]

Nancy:
[scrubbing blood out of her car] I'm pretty sure something even more heinous is gonna happen to me, because that just seems to be the way it rolls! I really think I'm finding myself. [pulls off a rubber glove] Look at my hand. Nerves of steel!

Andy:
Pretty steady.

Nancy:
That's what I'm talking about.

Andy:
Well, this is all good. Meanwhile, a reconnaissance drone killed my battle buddy, and I'm going to die. I know too much. I was hoping for a shower, maybe a little nap. Um... [watches Nancy viciously wash the car] But you obviously are having a slow psychotic breakdown, so I'll just ask, do you have any money?

Nancy:
No, I don't. [laughs] I have a backseat full of blood. I have two license plates I may have to remove. I have an assistant's job that a monkey could do. I have a death wish. You're welcome to any of those sparkly gems.

Andy:
[after Nancy tells him to cater a party] I don't remember volunteering my services. Maybe I have plans tomorrow. Maybe I have a play date. [Nancy grabs him]

Nancy:
You live here for free.

Andy:
Yes.

Nancy:
You eat my food. You wipe your ass with my toilet paper. I don't have to ask you shit.

Shane:
Can you convince Mom that I'm better off sitting home all summer than stuck in a classroom full of religious zealots proselytizing a form of fundamentalism that's two clicks away from jihad?

Shane:
Do you really think evolution is a lie?

Tara:
Well, I believe that I'm descended from Adam and Eve, and not a monkey.

Shane:
So, natural selection, Darwinism, empirical data, none of that factors in for you?

Tara:
Evolution is just a theory. I mean that's why they call it the Theory of Evolution and not the Fact of Evolution.

Shane:
Oh, what about-

Silas:
Hey, you asked your question. Now, shut the f*** up.

Nancy:
Silas, don't swear at your brother. Shane, don't antagonize Tara. Tara, keep saving it for the Lord!

Nancy:
Doug, you're cooking in my kitchen. There's a reason for that?

Doug:
Andy's on set. I'm helping him out.

Nancy:
Oh, that's nice. [picks up an envelope on the counter]

Doug:
Oh, that's from the tall one. Leif Garretty, "Blue Lagoon"-ish?

Nancy:
Silas?

Doug:
Yeah. Said you were out of weed, then he took off with a blonde. Tiny tits, big cross?

Nancy:
Tara.

Doug:
And your other one. Big vocab, creepy eyes?

Nancy:
Shane.

Doug:
He's outside with what's-her-name. Celia's dyke.

Nancy:
Isabelle.

[Eve Meriweather tells Conrad she goes door-to-door to ask neighbors about any suspicious behavior]

Conrad:
Uh, what is it I'm supposed to be looking out for?

Eve Meriweather:
Oh, why our cross, of course. [hands him over an article from the newspaper]

Conrad:
Someone stole your cross?

Eve Meriweather:
Yes.

Conrad:
That is a damn shame. Who would do something like that?

Eve Meriweather:
Jews.

Conrad:
Hmm, I haven't seen it. Haven't seen many Jews around here, either.

Eve Meriweather:
Well, they're mostly urban.

[Vaneeta, who carries her baby, approaches Celia's rented drug grow house and stumbles into Eve Meriweather]

Eve Meriweather:
Well, look at him. Hello, baby. Uh...why are little black babies always so adorable?

Vaneeta:
Why are white babies always so ugly?

[Conrad tries to say goodbye and close the door, but Eve Meriweather stops the door and shoves her head inside]

Eve Meriweather:
[with a wicked smile] See you all in church, I hope...

Conrad Shepard:
Sure. Church. Praise the lord.

Vaneeta:
Hallelujah.

[Eve Meriweather leaves singing to herself and with her hand raised in victory]

Isabelle Hodes:
She's got a great ass, your mom.

Shane Botwin:
Don't be gross.

Fireman:
[upon entering Conrad's grow-house] Holy shit! I think they shot "Peckers of the Caribbean" here!

[at the evacuation center]

Doug Wilson:
[playing a banjo and singing around a christian group that reaches ecstasy in their prayers against the fire] The Jesus freaks are singing, the Jesus freaks are singing, the Jesus freaks are all singing. They're annoying, self-righteous and lame. [imitates their ecstasy] Everybody, come on, all together.

[Captain Roy Till investigates Sullivan Groff about the discovered grow house that is under his name]

Sullivan Groff:
My company bought it, and then I gave it to Celia.

Captain Roy Till:
Now, why would you give this Celia person a house, Mr. Groff?

Sullivan Groff:
Because she was my lover. And it was good. And she was getting a divorce, and she wanted a house. But I couldn't put it in her name because the divorce hadn't gone through yet. The power of passion makes you do crazy things. Captain Till, is it?

Captain Roy Till:
Okay, so you buy her a house, and I assume you're f***ing her in said house, she of the magical house-earning pussy - did you not notice the many marijuana plants that were growing in her living room?

Sullivan Groff:
Well, we broke up a few weeks ago, so she must have started growing it right after that. You know, it's funny. I would have never pegged her as the drug-dealing type. She's a very complicated woman.

Captain Roy Till:
Jesus, Groff, if I let you stick your finger up my ass, can I get a porsche?

Guillermo:
[talking about the fire he stared] And it goes like that, just over and over, all the way south to Mexico. [nods his head forward]

Nancy Botwin:
[whispering to his ear] You're facing west.

Guillermo:
See, I could use you. You tell me which way is south. [rubbing against her] You be my navigator.

Nancy Botwin:
Hand off the ass.

[at the evacuation center]

Doug Wilson:
[walking around people playing a guitar and singing] Well, this is just like the Superdome except no rape or piles of human waste. It's still not quite like home even though we got wi-fi, some cookies and toothpaste. Yeah, it's just like the Superdome 'cept everyone's white and middle-class. We got some yoga people chanting, oh, there's lots of Gatorade and toilet paper to wipe our ass. This is just like the Superdo-doh-ome.

News anchor:
Apparently, a religious group chanting "Jesus will protect us" forced their way into the burning house in an attempt to rescue the Majestic cross. Now those members are being treated at a nearby hospital for minor burns and smoke inhalation. [turns to face a gurney bound Tara] Can you tell us why you ran into a burning house?

Tara Lindman:
The Lord told us to go.

Silas Botwin:
[watching the news] Okay, I'm over her.

[after her rented grow house is discovered, Celia is called in for questioning, but the detectives just stare at her quietly]

Celia Hodes:
Nancy Botwin.

Celia:
Did you know that we're poor? We're really poor.

Isabelle:
Maybe we should cut down on our liquor purchases.

Celia:
Oh, no. All the poor drink. Yeah, I saw the poor this morning. They all had bottles in paper bags. That's what I need... A paper bag.

Dean:
Wonderful idea. You could put your bottle in it and then vomit in it when you're done.

Celia:
I don't vomit from drinking. I vomit when I think about my life.