Welcome Back, Kotter, Season 1

Kotter:
Just think of a debate as sort of a, um, rumble with words.

Vinnie:
You mean like, 'Up your nose with a garden hose?'

Freddie:
This coat was worn at the famous Lincoln-Douglas debate.

Kotter:
This coat was worn at the famous Lincoln-Douglas debate?

Freddie:
I wore this coat when my father, Lincoln, beat the daylights out of my brother, Douglas!

Vinnie:
You scratch my back, I scratch yours.

Kotter:
I can't do that. You see, my wife has an exclusive on my entire body. She'd be disturbed if I came home with a pre-scratched back.

Kotter:
Do I look like Miss Fishbeck, the art teacher?

Epstein:
Only around the moustache.

Kotter:
James Buchanan is not anywhere. It's in Bensonhurst, which is in Brooklyn, which is where I spent four degenerate years as a student. You know how rough that is? The gangs there don't use guns. They insert the bullets manually.

Epstein:
Hey, look, we can't stay long, we got a cab waiting downstairs.

Kotter:
You took a cab?

Epstein:
We're gonna give it back.

Kotter:
You stole a cab?

Vinnie:
No, no, no, no. It's Horshack's father's cab. You can't steal a guy's father's cab. You can't.

Horshack:
Then why'd we tie him up, Vinnie?

Kotter:
So nobody did it. I think we should put a candle in the window, because the last time this happened, three wise men came from the east.

[Kotter comes in the class after the bell rings]

Vinnie:
You're late.

Freddie:
That's your fourth tardy this semester.

Epstein:
Did you bring a note from your mommy? [Horshack laughs]

Gabe:
Boy, what an honor, in my class, all four Marx brothers: Wacko, Stupo, Jerko, and Dummo.

Vinnie:
I feel like this is just the beginning. Today, Buchanan, tomorrow, who knows? Governor Barbarino, Senator Barbarino, Emperor Barbarino! [Sweathogs cheer] You know, Julius Caesar was an Italian.

Kotter:
Vinnie's not the first Sweathog who ever ran.

Woodman:
No, that's right. Back in 1962, Jerry Slater was disqualified for stuffing the ballot box... with his opponent.

Kotter:
Can anybody tell me who settled New Jersey?

Horshack:
Ooh! Ooh ooh! Is New Jersey settled?

Kotter:
Arnold, New Jersey's been settled for more than 250 years.

Epstein:
Ha! You never been to Newark on a Saturday night!

Woodman:
Now today, we will discuss the Revolutionary War. Now, who can tell me where that war started? Mr. Washington?

Freddie:
Right. [whispers to Kotter] What's the answer?

Kotter:
[whispering] Lexington and--

Freddie:
Right. [stands up, clears throat] Lexington Avenue. Probably near 129th Street, by that barbecue, man. It's a tough neighborhood. A lot of wars went on over there.

Vinnie:
You're not our friend. You're nothing but a teacher.

Kotter:
Why can't I be your teacher and your friend?

Epstein:
It don't work that way, Kotter. You see, in this vast universe of ours, people are divided into two groups, us and them. You're them.

Woodman:
The world is divided into two parts--us and them. They're them! And come to think of it, you're them too.

Kotter:
Yeah? Well, thank you. [in Groucho voice] That's the nicest remark I ever hoid.

Kotter:
Maybe Epstein has decided that there's more to being a man that winning or losing a fight. That manliness is not measured by the amount of macho a guy's got.

Horshack:
Right you are, Mr. Kotter! I get along without any macho at all.

Vinnie:
Yeah, I'm holdin' it for him till he gets older.

Epstein:
I ain't goin' to class, man. I ain't never goin' to class.

Kotter:
Where you goin' then?

Epstein:
I don't know, uh, into the religious life.

Kotter:
Brother Epstein, huh? I can see the headlines: 'Puerto Rican Jew enters monastery, becomes the first 'Schlamonk'.'

Kotter:
You went to the library where they keep the books?

Vinnie:
Yeah. And for three whole days we spent lookin' up what you call legal 'presidents'.

Kotter:
I'm a teacher. That's what it says on my locker, "Mr. Kotter, teacher." And I'm teaching a bunch of students called Sweathogs. Now, contrary to popular opinion, Sweathogs are not dumb. I mean, a dumb person does not think of a way to make it rain in the gymnasium.

Vinnie:
I did that.

Lyle:
Gabe, all through school I wanted to be a Sweathog, but dirt never stuck to me. I was... too perfect.

Mary Frances:
It's lovely being perfect.

Lyle:
It's boring being perfect. It's boring being rich. I have five boring bedrooms.

Mary Frances:
Am I included in those five boring bedrooms?

Lyle:
Mary Frances, no one has a headache for seven years!

Kotter:
I have a bad case of Lyle Flannigan.

Freddie:
When did you first notice that something was wrong with your Flannigan?

[Kotter asks Freddie where his report card is]

Freddie:
My momma's got it, you dig? Yeah!

Kotter:
I dig it! Didn't she sign it?

Freddie:
Heh, no. She just took it in her left hand, and then she hit me upside my head with her right. See, man, and then, and then, she threw a chair at me. And then she tried to cave my back in with a TV set!

Kotter:
All right, all right, have your father sign it.

Freddie:
You crazy? He's the one with the bad temper!

Judy:
You know, Vinnie, you're so low, you could crawl under a pregnant ant!

Kotter:
That's a good one, Vinnie.

Vinnie:
Oh, yeah? Well, listen, Blimpo, you better watch yourself, or I'll let the air out of your dress.

Kotter:
Hey, Judy, I understand there's three kids in your family...one of each. Barbarino, I understand when you was born, they took one look at your face and then they turned you over and said, "Hey, look, twins."

Kotter:
What's your first name?

Bambi:
It's Bambi. [giggling] But, uh, my friends call me Sunshine.

Freddie:
Well, uh, let the sunshine in, darlin'!

Bambi:
Didn't we live together in another life?

Epstein:
Oh...oh, I would have remembered that!

Bambi:
[giggling] Oh, he's magic!

Kotter:
Yeah, maybe one day he'll disappear.

Kotter:
Has it occurred to any of you that by trying to help Horshack, you're hurting him? You're not giving him a chance to prove himself outside the Sweathogs. You gotta let him try and make new friends.

Vinnie:
Something wrong with his old friends?

Epstein:
Yeah, you couldn't give friends like us away.

Kotter:
You got a point there, Epstein.

Freddie:
[to Horshack] You know, I never really thought I would miss you, but you sort of grow on a guy... like mold.

Vinnie:
I happen to know this girl. She's a little too, uh, old for me. She's nineteen. But believe me, she's ready to trot!

Kotter:
Ready to trot?

Vinnie:
Yeah.

Kotter:
Then take her out to Yonkers Raceway.

Epstein:
Well, you had your little fun, now, Arnold. Now you're gonna fold, right?

Horshack:
Ep-stine, I think it's high time I made a stand! [stands up]

Epstein:
Horshack!

Horshack:
I fold! [sits back down]

Vinnie:
I got my own idea of what God is like: I know he's a sharp dresser, and he's good-looking, and of course he's Italian.

Freddie:
Yeah? Well, if you ask me, all that stuff about harps is a lot of jive. God is backed up by a jazz rhythm section. He got a piano, a bass guitar, and a drummer with a good right foot.

Kotter:
Hello, Arnold. Haven't you noticed you're wearing a green plastic bag?

Horshack:
I'm disguised as a green bean.

Kotter:
[in deep voice] Ho, ho, ho...and how are things in the valley, Little Sprout?

Horshack:
[in high-pitched voice] Fine and dandy, Jolly Green Giant! How's your niblets?

Julie:
[to Kotter about the Sweathogs] They're not students, they're inmates! And you are the head cuckoo!

Freddie:
You're the leader of the Sweathogs, right?

Vinnie:
Am I the leader of the Sweathogs? Is a bear Catholic? Does the Pope live in the woods?

Kotter:
Epstein, what are the advantages of the two-party system?

Epstein:
Oh, that's an easy one. In the two-party system, you get to go to two kinds of parties... two kinds of dancin', two kinds of chip dip, and two kinds of hopin' you'll, uh, make out.

Horshack:
A woman is a sometime thing.

Epstein:
She'll take your heart and give it a fling.

Horshack:
But when true love runs off its course...

Epstein:
Then she'll sue you for divorce.

Kotter:
All right, Epstein, come on. Let's have it so we can get to work.

Epstein:
What?

Kotter:
One of your famous notes that'll read something like, 'Please excuse Juan for being late. He was kidnapped by the jet set and left tied up on a lawn in Hyannis Port.' Signed...

Sweathogs:
Epstein's mother!

Ms. Helms:
Mr. Epstein just doesn't have the numbers! I have no other answer for him!

Kotter:
Yeah? Well, I have an answer for you, lady-up your nose with your computer hose! And twice as far with a chocolate bar!

Kotter:
What would have happened if George Washington quit, huh? If Abraham Lincoln quit? What would have happened if Murray Cornfeld quit?

Freddie:
I ain't never heard of no Murray Cornfeld!

Kotter:
You know why you never heard of him? 'Cause he quit!

Woodman:
[about Kotter and the Sweathogs] They do a lot of pretending in that class. They pretend to be students; he pretends to be a teacher.

Epstein:
Hey, I got an idea, listen to this. ISB.

Kotter:
ISB?

Epstein:
In-School Betting. Yeah. It's about time we get bettin' off the streets, into the school here, where it belongs! [Sweathogs cheer]

Kotter:
Are you kiddin'? I'll lay you 5-2 that'll never happen.

Freddie:
I'll take that bet.

Kotter:
Julie, baby, did I ever tell you about my uncle Ben?

Julie:
No. Did he make rice?

Horshack:
An integer is a counting number. If the sequence is 1,2; 2,3; 3,4; etc., the integer is apparent.

Kotter:
It's apparent to who?

Horshack:
So find the value of 'X'?

Kotter:
'X'? I don't know.

Horshack:
Right! 'X' is unknown! So what's 'Y'?

Kotter:
'Y'?

Vinnie:
Where?

[Epstein and Freddie bring the blackboard from the class into the Kotters' apartment]

Kotter:
You guys can't do things like this. It's against the law. It's robbery! It's five to ten!

Epstein:
[holding an alarm clock] Nah, it's ten to ten.

Freddie:
Hey, besides, we tend to think of it as... creative borrowing.

Vinnie:
You know, Mr. Kotter, prayer is good for you.

Kotter:
Oh, I know that, Vinnie, I know. I prayed all morning, the whole time I was on the subway comin' to work. I prayed that we'd get to my stop before the two guys who were kickin' the conductor noticed me.

Freddie:
[to Vinnie] You got as much chance being a priest as I do gettin' the lead in the school production of Snow White.

Epstein:
Yeah, and Freddie was the best one who read for the part. But, me and Horshack, see, we're still up for dwarfs.

Horshack:
Yeah. Guess who's gonna play Dopey?

Kotter:
If I was casting, I'd have a rough time choosing.

SANTOS GAVALT!