Will & Grace, Season 7

Grace:
You know, the old Grace would have done this [smacks her hand onto Jack's forehead.] But now, I just have this new serenity thanks to Mr. Kabbalah.

Will:
He's not a person! He's not like Mr. Peanut.

Jack:
Uh, Mr. Peanut is not a person, Will.

Karen:
He's a legume.

Will:
She doesn't want to talk to you, dude.

Leo:
"Dude"?

Will:
I get pretty straight when I'm angry.

Grace:
You and Vince are so lucky. You'll never know the pain of divorce.

Will:
Well, that's because we're legally barred from the joy of marriage.

Vince:
You know, this is a relationship. If a crew member goes overboard, the ship sinks.

Will:
No it doesn't. That's a terrible metaphor.

Vince:
You're a terrible metaphor!

Will:
That's a comeback?

Vince:
You're a comeback!

[Jack is in a focus group for OutTV, a gay TV channel]

Jack:
You mentioned "Gay Jeopardy". Doesn't that sound like a bit of a knockoff? How about "Big Gay Brother"? Or "The Price is Right... and Gay"?

Tim:
Well, you'll be happy to know that both of those shows are in development, along with "Ashamed Family Feud".

Jack:
How dare you call my friend dumb! If you really want to push a button, call him chunky!

Will:
[about Ned] What's wrong with being nice to him? He's our neighbor!

Grace:
Will, follow the logic. First we're nice to him, then suddenly we're picking up his newspaper, then we're watering his plants. The next thing you know, there's a fire in the building and we're the ones who have to make sure he got out okay. I'd rather find out on the evening news, thank you.

Rosario:
I'm not your mule!

Karen:
Oh yeah? Then why did you eat that apple off my palm this morning?

Rosario:
I knew that would come back to bite me on my ass.

Vince:
I think I know what my boyfriend likes. We've been going out for six months.

Grace:
I've known him for 20 years.

Vince:
I'm in a committed relationship with him.

Grace:
So am I.

Vince:
I've shaved his ears.

Grace:
I've shaved his legs.

Vince:
I've seen him naked.

Grace:
I've seen him naked and crying.

Vince:
I've slept with him.

Grace:
If I hadn't turned him gay, we wouldn't be having this conversation, so I win.

Jack:
Just because somebody's dead, it doesn't mean you can't celebrate their birthday. It's never too late. Look at George Washington. I never paid attention to him while he was alive, and now I get a day off of work!

[Grace and Karen are designing an apartment together]

Grace:
We make a good team - Walker and Adler, Adler and Walker.

Karen:
Honey, don't say your name next to mine. It makes mine sound Jew-y.

Grace:
Well, yours makes mine sound drunk.

Karen:
Wow. Right in the nuts.

[Will and Jack have just donated money to save a historic gay bookstore]

Will:
I guess we proved that a couple of guys can still make a difference in this city. Thanks to us, people can still go to the same bookstore where Gertrude Stein punched Alice B. Toklas in the stomach and shouted, "Don't come home 'til you've shaved!"

Jack:
My boss is on my case. He says I've got to have a more professional relationship with my secretary, or else I have to fire her. He gave me an old tomato.

Will:
"Old tomato?"

Jack:
Yeah, when you have to do one thing or the other? You have to eat it or throw it. Old tomato.

Will:
Oh, I see. I was confused, 'cause you know, I pronounce it "old tomahto".

[Grace is all dressed up for a blind date]

Karen:
Oh, so you get all slutted up for Will's guy, but you won't even give my guy a chance?

Grace:
Your guy is not a guy. Your guy is Sharon, our mail carrier.

Karen:
Nice, a snob and a homophobe!

Grace:
I think I know what I may have heard, and I may have heard "I love you"... I think.

Karen:
Driver, turn up the heat in here. There's a little nip the air. [looks down her shirt] Oops, make that two of 'em.

Grace:
I love the local news. So uplifting. Those two old farmers lost everything in the fire, and yet they still managed to persevere.

Will:
Grace, you have to pay attention. The crystal meth lab in their barn exploded.

Grace:
Still, we should send money.

Grace:
Great. No sex, and now no turkey.

Karen:
Well... either way, no stuffin' for you.

Ro:
I know my brother's gay. I've known it since high school when he beat up some guy for saying Lee Majors looked dopey.

Grace:
[about Sal] I am so into him.

Karen:
Yeah, well I'm double into him.

Grace:
Well I'm gonna ask him out.

Karen:
I'm going to ask him to move in.

Grace:
He gave me a hickey. [Points to her breast]

Karen:
[Points to her belly] He gave me a child! I am pregnant Grace!

Grace:
No you're not. You can't get pregnant from kissing.

Karen:
Oh thank God!

Sal:
[On his cellphone] Hey, I just macked on two old ladies. [watching them look at him] I may need to borrow your dad's toolshed later.

Grace:
They were nice enough people, but those goodbyes were weird. When I went to hug Vince's sister, she put her hands on my boobs. It was really uncomfortable.

Jack:
You stood there for, like, 10 minutes. I had to pull you off her!

Grace:
Yeah, well, we're guests. I didn't want to be rude.

[Karen and Rosario are decorating the Christmas tree]

Rosario:
Miss Karen, can I stop for a minute? My back hurts.

Karen:
Keep going. I didn't hear anything snap.

Rosario:
This year I'm making your figgy pudding with rat poison and Ajax.

Karen:
But no raisins.

[Grace lets Marilyn's friend take the blame for breaking her prized figurine]

Will:
This is perfect. See what happens when you keep your mouth shut? Skippy Faber takes the fall!

Grace:
So that's it? I just let Skippy hang for my crime? [pause] Eh, she's German - We'll call it even.

Will:
Now, Karen, before this reporter comes, remember that since Stan died, you are the face of Walker Inc. And, unlike the previous face, yours isn't covered in pudding. You need to take this interview seriously.

Karen:
Relax, I'm great with reporters. Ever since I leaked a little information to Woodward and Bernstein, I've had them eating out of the palm of my hand.

Will:
Do you really expect me to believe that you were Deep Throat?

Karen:
Only to one of them.

[Karen's high school nemesis, Scott Wooley, has just taken over Walker Inc.]

Scott Wooley:
You know, Karen, I was worried that, after all these years, my revenge would feel empty and hollow. I was wrong; it is awesome! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to move in to your late husband's office. Now it's your turn to cry, and wet yourself a little, and get beat up by the marching band... not that any of those things happened to me.

Karen:
Listen, honey, I gotta go. it's time for my Christian book club. This week we're burning Catcher in the Rye.

Will:
Grace, this is my boss, Margo.

Margo:
Please, call me Margo.

Grace:
Well... I don't really have a lot of other options.

Karen:
Gay, straight, black, white... What's the difference? We all finish ourselves off in the end, anyway!

Karen:
You'll never guess who just walked in!

Jack:
Is it Greg Evigan, from TV's B.J. and the Bear and, after a brief hiatus, My Two Dads?

Will:
You know, I never realized how gay those shows sounded. It's a wonder he didn't follow them up with a show called "Hey Faggot!"

Beverly Leslie:
As the social director of this club, and the chair of the Nassau County Republicans, let me say that two men will never dance on this floor!

Jack:
I'm sorry, I'm a little bit confused. How do I put this delicately?... You are a raging 'mo yourself!

Scott Wooley:
You are the brightest angel in all of heaven. Also, I would love so much to get in your pants.

Rosario:
Whenever my friends and I talk about who works for the craziest bitch, I always win.

Karen:
Jackie, you've been out here for so long. You must be freezing! Here, I brought you some soup.

Jack:
This is gin.

Karen:
It has noodles in it.

Karen:
I smell liquor on my breath - you're drunk!

Will:
[about Karen's pastry chef] The man is an artist. You wouldn't fire Picasso, would you?

Karen:
I would and I did. He put both breasts on one side of my body. I wouldn't take it from plastic surgeon and I wouldn't take it from him.

Jack:
I was just having an executive's meeting at OutTV, and I had a huge realization.

Will:
That, six months ago, all of you were cater waiters?

Karen:
That, six months from now, all of you will be cater waiters?

Jack:
Will, you're mean. Karen, you're hilarious.

Will:
It's hard to believe that this is an up-and-coming gay spot.

Jack:
Are you kidding? This place is so gay the state bird is a condom.

Karen:
Rosie, as a reward for all your hard work, I made you a nice big turkey sandwich. It's hanging from a string off the balcony. If you can grab it, it's yours!

Rosario:
Great. I put a tarantula in the liquor cabinet. If you can find it, it's yours!

Grace:
She wants to study me. She thinks I'm interesting.

Will:
You're not interesting! We passed, like, 20 of you on the way here!

Jack:
Ah, you missed a great wrap-party at White Castle last night. Woho, it was off the hook!

Karen:
My catchphrase is: "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case." You figure it out.

Marilyn:
Oh Grace, have you seen this new show Desperate Housewives? My friends and I play this drinking game when we watch it. You know, one shot every five minutes.

Beverly Leslie:
Keep it up, Karen Walker. I'll add that insult to my complaint.

Karen:
The only complaint you have is that the American Kennel Club hasn't recognized you as a breed yet!

Malcolm:
[to his contact] He took the bait. Operation "Get Will Truman to be a Lawyer Again" is a success. I know it's long, but it says what it is, and we agreed that I would get to name the operation and you would get the bagels.

Will:
I'm all about helping people. It's what I do.

Grace:
You don't know what you do. You start this charity job today.

Will:
That's right, and starting today this big blue marble is gonna be a better place.

Grace:
Wow. If you can figure out how to eat smug, you could feed the whole world.

Jack:
Now that "Jack Talk!" is such a hit, things might get a little crazy.

Will:
Wow, Jack, that is huge! [To Grace] What's "Jack Talk!"?

Grace:
I think it's the thing he does in the shower with his penis.

Will:
Oy, the gym is so far! It's such a schlep!

Grace:
You go, goyim.

Will:
I figured since you're practically a gay man, I should become a little Jewish.

Jack:
I have very fondled memories of this place!

Will:
You mean "fond".

Jack:
That, too.

Vince:
Ah, geez, I got papaya on my cuff! Dad was right, I can't have nice things!

Marilyn:
[to Will] Ooh, that face. I'm kvelling. I learned that from Billy Crystal. He taught us so many things. Tuchus... plotzing... Well, so long, my little faygeleh.

Jack:
I dunno, Karen, Rosario's color is a little off... although, what color is she supposed to be?

Karen:
I ordered her in Hunter Green, but she's faded.

Grace:
Karen, what could you possibly see in Mr. Wolff? He's creepy and weird!

Karen:
Honey, how could you say that? And after all the lovely things he said about you while he was watching you in his home office!

Karen:
Honey, I have connections. I can get him a part.

Jack:
Fantastic! But wait - if you have connections, why have you never gotten me a part?

Karen:
Honey, I said I had connections, not superpowers.

Karen:
You're cute - and I usually find redheads hideous. So tell me, does the carpet match the drapes?

Tom:
I don't know. I've got wood floors.

Rosario:
[to Karen] I'd wring your neck, but I don't want to be standing in a puddle of gin.