7th Heaven, Season 3

Simon:
Just in case what isn't better?

Ruthie:
My morning sickness.

Simon:
Oh, give it up already.

Ruthie:
MOMMY!

Eric:
Simon, be nicer to your sister. This isn't easy on her and she's just a little girl.

Simon:
You say it like it's a weakness or something.

Matt:
I just want to know if Mom is feeling any better?

Eric:
She can't fit into her pants, she's not gonna be happy until she can. Meanwhile, I have to find some place to take her for our 20th anniversary that's appropriately romantic, yet doesn't remind her that I'm the one that got her too big to fit in her pants. I've been down this road five times and it's a long cranky road.

Matt:
I remember when you put on a few pounds you were cranky too.

Eric:
Yeah, but that was different. I wasn't providing a nurturing environment for a developing human being. And I have to say if I were... I think I be thrilled. I'd be elated... I'd be...

Annie:
...Miserable. You know, you think you know what it's like, but you don't, you really don't. You know nothing.

Eric:
Nothing.

Annie:
How is that I'm the one who has to watch every single morsel of food that I put into my mouth, and yet those crumbs turn into pounds and more pounds and more pounds, despite the fact that I've already puked most of what I've eaten the day before by the time I get out of bed the next morning?

Ruthie:
Yeah, we're fat and we're sick.

Annie:
And tired you know I'm really, really tired. It's not like having a baby at twenty or thirty, I'm….

Ruthie:
Old.

Annie:
And I've got six months to go. Six more months. Six months of trying to wear clothes that make me look...

Eric:
Like you're having a baby. Our baby.

Ruthie:
Yeah, our big fat baby.

Annie:
Yeah, she's right. You know that I was seven months pregnant with Matt before I was in maternity clothes. And now, at three months look at me, I'm fat. I'm old. I'm tired. And I'm fat.

Ruthie:
Yeah, I can't get in nothing of mine, neither.

Eric:
You can't get into anything Ruthie, you don't fit into your clothes because you're getting bigger and that's because you're getting older.

Ruthie:
Yeah, just like Mommy.

Eric:
It's going to be okay.

Annie:
It's not gonna be okay! It's only gonna get worse. I'm only gonna get fatter, and older, and tireder, and fatter! Then, when I'm at my oldest and tiredest and fattest, then I have to give birth to my fattest baby ever, probably with the world record head!

Ruthie:
Yeah. If you ask me, the only thing you daddies have to do to make a baby is the fun part.

Eric:
You know, maybe your tummy will be feeling better by lunchtime. Mommy's always is.

Ruthie:
Give me an extra paper bag, just in case it isn't.

Simon:
Just in case what isn't?

Ruthie:
My morning sickness.

Simon:
Oh, give it up! You're not sick, you're not tired, and you're not fat. You're just trying to get attention.

Ruthie:
MOMMY! [runs upstairs]

Simon:
Yeah. Whenever they're hurt, they run to Mommy, even when Dad is standing right there.

Annie:
You and Simon need some guy stuff to do together. I don't want him to feel left out.

Eric:
No, being left out is Lucy's job.

Lucy:
Mom, if you had to guess, what would you say the babies were?

Annie:
Girls.

Annie:
[to Matt] You look terrible.

Eric:
It finally happened. Our son got rejected by a girl.

Annie:
I can't believe it. Not my Matt! Why, you are the most handsomest guy on Earth, and if a girl doesn't like you, then something must be wrong with her.

Eric:
Maybe your mom could call her.

Matt:
You know, you two are really starting to sound like June and Ward Cleaver.

Eric:
Really? Because up until now, you kind of reminded me of Wally. Wally never got rejected.

Eric:
Maybe what you need is a tutor.

Lucy:
You mean an older-high-school-guy-who-looks-like-Brad-Pitt type of tutor?

Eric:
Uh, no, I was thinking of a much-older-minister-who's-slowly-losing-patience-with-his-daughter type of tutor.

Mary:
You know, none of this is like you, and I know why. I think your attitude is compliments of your new best friend Nicole.

Lucy:
Stop picking on my friend, okay? Because Nicole is here to stay, and in the future, stay out of my business. Especially my friend business.

Mary:
I'm telling you there's something up with Nicole.

Lucy:
That's your opinion.

Mary:
Look, I know no one wants to hear this, but I have to say something. Last night I saw Nicole in our bathroom cutting herself with a razor.

Lucy:
It makes no sense. I don't understand why Nicole would cut herself, why anyone would.

Eric:
Well, a lot of girls do it. In fact, some experts believe that cutting or self-mutilation is the fastest growing problem with teenage girls outside of eating disorders.

Lucy:
If that's true, why haven't I heard of it?

Eric:
No one talks about it much.

Lucy:
That maybe true with other people, but Nicole is my best friend. If she were doing this, I'd be the first to know.

Eric:
There's a lot of shame that goes with cutting and Nicole wouldn't necessarily tell you or anyone else 'cause she's probably embarrassed that she does it.

Lucy:
Well, if she's embarrassed about it why doesn't she stop?

Eric:
It's not that simple. See, sometimes when a person can't handle whatever emotional pain they're in, they cause physical pain to themselves. They'll take a razor or a knife or a pen and make little cuts that they can hide. And when you want to quit something like that, you have to find out what's causing the pain that's making you hurt yourself or you're never going to be able to stop doing the destructive behavior.

Lucy:
I'm so sorry, Dad.

Eric:
For what?

Lucy:
I'm sorry you have such a dunce for a daughter. I'm so stupid about biology and Nicole.

Eric:
I never want to hear you call yourself stupid again. You're not. Biology is tough and nobody knew about Nicole, not even her parents at first. So no blaming yourself for that either. I can't go to biology with you but, uh, if you need a substitute best friend, I'm always here.

Ted Jacob:
I can't believe she's cutting again. I guess I can believe it. My wife and I have been seeing some of the old warning signs. Her frequent trips to the bathroom, keeping the bedroom door always locked, wearing baggy clothes to hide the scars...

Lucy:
Oh no.

Shelby:
Not again. How could you leave your lunch in Geometry class again?

Lucy:
I don't know. Because I love a frenzied sweaty hallway sprint before lunch? Where's the straightest line from here to our Geometry room?

Shelby:
I don't know.

Lucy:
You really gotta start paying more attention in class.

Lucy:
Oh, sorry to interrupt. I just left my lunch in here. Is that my lunch?

Mrs. Reese:
I'm sorry, Lucy. I didn't know you'd be back.

Lucy:
You ate my lunch?

Mrs. Reese:
Well, I figured if you were coming back for it, you'd've been here sooner.

Lucy:
It's a long hallway. A long windy hallway filled with obstacles that walk and shove and get in your way on their way to eating their own lunches.

Mrs. Reese:
What's the shortest distance between two points? A straight line. You know, if you applied what we talked about in class, you might've gotten back here quicker and saved your lunch.

Lucy:
I just don't understand Geometry. I can't do that kind of thinking. I don't have that side of the brain or something.

Mrs. Reese:
Really? Because it looks like you're not all that interested in Geometry and aren't really giving it your best shot.

Lucy:
It's hard to be interested in something you know you'll never use. I mean, never get.

Lucy:
She ate it. I accidentally left my lunch in class and Mrs. Reese ate it. My lunch. All of it…practically. And to add insult to injury, she said that if I'd applied the Geometry stuff we learned in class that I might've made it back to the room in time to save my lunch.

Annie:
Is there any truth in that?

Lucy:
How would I know? I don't know any Geometry.

Annie:
Does that mean you want Mary or Matt to help you with your Geometry?

Lucy:
No, I want you to call Mrs. Reese and tell her to stop eating my lunch.

Annie:
If it continues, I will. And it is possible that today was just a weird day. And I don't want to upset you in your weakened and starving condition, but maybe you should take a stab at learning Geometry.

Lucy:
Why? I don't get it, I'll never get it, and I don't see how it will ever help me in my life to get it.

Annie:
It might help you save your lunch.

Mrs. Reese:
I'm sorry, Lucy. I didn't know if you'd remember to come back again today.

Lucy:
No, I'm sorry. I didn't know you'd start on my lunch again today.

Mrs. Reese:
You should have. It's called a "given". You see, this situation isn't all that different from a geometry proof. Why Mrs. Reese eats my lunch...your lunch is something to be eaten. That's the definition of lunch. Your lunch is in here to be eaten because you leave it in here. That is a "given". I don't want it to sit and rot, etc. That is also a "given". So what conclusion can we draw from this?

Lucy:
That is my lunch is left in here, you're going to eat it unless I get back here before you do?

Mrs. Reese:
Exactly right. Which route did you take to get back here?

Lucy:
The south hallway.

Mrs. Reese:
Okay, "G" that's our geometry room. And "F" that's you...famished. If you draw an imaginary line from here to here.

Lucy:
It's a right triangle.

Mrs. Reese:
And how could you have gotten to "G" quicker?

Lucy:
By going from here to here?

Mrs. Reese:
Yep. You bisect the angle to the midpoint on the hypotenuse.

Lucy:
So, can I have whatever's left of my lunch? [there's nothing left]

Mrs. Reese:
I had a light, light breakfast.

Mary:
Okay, I just came down to say I'm sorry.

Annie:
For skipping class, or getting caught, or causing me to come and get you in the principal's office so that your teacher can tell me that for some reason my 16-year-old daughter can't seem to find her way to class?

Mary:
Yes. Mom, Mrs. McKee just reads aloud every day and it's boring. Besides, I can read the book by myself.

Annie:
So have you?

Mary:
What?

Annie:
Read the book?

Mary:
Well, some of it, but I can't get into it. And besides, like I said, Mrs. McKee reads the thing aloud in class every day.

Annie:
Yes, but you'd have to actually be in class to hear it and benefit from it. You see where I'm going with this?

Mary:
Yes.

Annie:
See, if my kid can't "get" anything, not even the tiniest little morsel, from a classic novel about societal mores, shame, scorn and ostracism, then I look to my kid. Not the teacher, not Nathaniel Hawthorne, but my kid. Of course, now that I know my kid has read and/or heard very few of those actual words, I feel better. Or a different kind of worse, I'm not sure.

Ruthie:
You know the person guts I hate? Bobby Tripp. I hate the guts inside his guts, and the guts inside those guts!

Mary:
Our little neighbor? Why do you hate him?

Ruthie:
Because he saw my underwear on the swing and he won't shut up and say he's sorry!

Simon:
Well, if you think about it, there's really no way he could shut up and say he's sorry.

Ruthie:
Don't make me crawl over that seat and sock you!

Annie:
Hey, how was school today?

Ruthie:
Fine until Bobby Tripp saw my underwear while I was on the swings and now he won't shut up about it.

Annie:
Why weren't you wearing the shorts that I made to match that outfit?

Ruthie:
Because I was in a hurry this morning. And besides, why should I have to wear shorts because boys can't shut up about underwear? Why should all the girls at school have to suffer because the boys are losers? What's wrong with this world?

Annie:
Can I get back to you on that?

Ruthie:
Take your time. I'm not going anywhere.

Matt:
Once the twins are here, our lives will never be the same. They're gonna need lots of attention and quiet, and once they're here, they're here. Forever.

Ruthie:
What if we don't like them?

Matt:
Well, having a baby is kind of like rolling the dice in Vegas. Sometimes the odds are really good, and you win big.

Simon:
And sometimes, you crap out.

Annie [to Ruthie]:
Are you okay? What happened?

Ruthie:
I'm just playing.

Annie:
And what exactly were you playing?

Ruthie:
That I got shot, just like in the video game called "Bah Boom." Ricky had it at school, and it's really cool. You hold it in your hand, and a soldier walks around in the :jungle and tries not to step on any land mines or get shot by the bad guys.

Annie:
Honey, do you know that there are real children who step on real land mines and lose arms and legs, and some even die?

Ruthie:
No, but this isn't for real. It's just a game, a video game. Can I have one?

Annie:
No, you cannot have one. I don't like those games. We'll find something else for you to play with, okay?

[When Simon is on the phone with Deena]

Simon:
Are you crying?

Deena:
Johnny, my old boyfriend, broke up with his girlfriend. Actually, the girlfriend broke up with him.

Simon:
So you're breaking up with me?

Deena:
No, I'm not breaking up with you. That's the problem.

Simon:
Good, I don't think I can go through another breakup so early in the school year. Wait, then what is the problem?

Deena:
Johnny. He's gonna come after you. I just know he will. He's like that.

Simon:
When you say "come after me," exactly what do you mean by that?

Simon:
Hey, excuse me.

Johnny:
Oh, hey, little buddy, am I in your way?

Simon:
It's not buddy. it's Simon Camden. Are you Johnny?

Johnny:
So you've heard of me. That's good. Have you heard that this is my girlfriend, Deena?

Simon:
I believe that's "was" your girlfriend. Deena was your girlfriend. She's my girlfriend now.

Johnny:
We'll see about that, buddy. I'll see you later.

Deena:
See what a jerk he is?

Simon:
Don't worry, I can take care of him. Piece of cake.

Simon [to Johnny] Deena doesn't wanna talk to you.

Johnny:
Look, Mighty Mouse, stay out of this or I'll take you out of this.

Simon:
Take me out of this?

Johnny:
[makes a gun gesture with his fingers] Get it?

Simon:
You're gonna shoot me?

Johnny:
Yeah, just when you least suspect it, you're gonna turn around and find a .38 special pointed right at you. [chuckles] Yeah, I just might do that. You're gonna have to look over your shoulder everywhere you go.

Eric [to Simon]:
Are you in some kind of trouble?

Simon:
I'm not sure about that, either. See, the thing is, he's probably just trying to scare me, but Deena's old boyfriend... he said he was gonna shoot me.

Eric [to Vice Principal Blackstone] Yeah, but you have to do something. He threatened to shoot my son.

Vice Principal Blackstone:
I have to follow procedure. I have to call in the parents, have a meeting with them, send the kid to a counselor. They have to recommend that he see a therapist or I have to risk losing my tenure and retirement. And that may not sound like much, but I have a family too.

Eric:
But what about tomorrow? What if he comes to school with a gun tomorrow?

Vice Principal Blackstone:
I agree that Simon and Deena should stay home from school until I get some answers.

Eric:
Well, thanks for your help.

Vice Principal Blackstone:
Martin, I had your son's locker opened this morning.

Mr. Morton:
What?

Vice Principal Blackstone:
I had reason to believe he might have a weapon.

Mr. Morton:
And did he? No.

Vice Principal Blackstone:
His locker looks like an altar to violence. There are pictures of people torturing animals. A stack of gun ads. CDs of an extremely sexual and violent nature. Comic books along the same themes. My guess is, his room looks the same way.

Mr. Morton:
So what if it does? He's a teenage boy.

Eric:
He's a teenage boy who pointed his finger at my son's head and mentioned the exact gun he would use on him. [to Vice Principal Blackstone] I'm sorry. You asked me to let you handle this. [to Mr. Morton] And I can't help but notice that he threatened my son with the exact same gun that you own.

Mr. Morton:
I have a license for that gun.

Eric:
I don't care if you have a license for that gun. Licensed or unlicensed, your son has access to it, and I... you seem to be in complete denial of any possibility that something could go terribly wrong here.

Mr. Morton:
I know my son, okay? My son would never shoot anyone.

Sergeant Michaels:
At the very least, until this situation is resolved, you might wanna take the gun out of the house.

Mr. Morton:
The gun is for our protection.

Sergeant Michaels:
Did you know that people who keep a gun at home for self-protection are 43 times more likely to kill themselves, a family member or an acquaintance than to be killed by an armed intruder?

Mr. Morton:
Do you know that guns don't kill people? People kill people.

Eric:
People with guns kill people!

Vice Principal Blackstone:
Gentlemen...

Eric:
No, is it too much to ask this man to admit that his son has a problem and take some action?

Mr. Morton:
Oh, I'm gonna take action, all right. I'm not gonna be forced to give up my right to bear arms. I'm not gonna have my back pushed against the wall by some lame assistant principal and a minister who's got friends in the police department. What I am gonna do is call the school board and the chief of police, because this is harassment. Furthermore, I'm gonna take my son out of this school. I'm gonna put him in a private school where he won't be treated like some common criminal. The public school system has failed my son and failed my family. And if this is what I get for my tax dollars, then forget it! [to Johnny] Come on, son, we're done here.

Judge:
Will the minor please rise? Johnny, I've gone over your record very carefully, as well as the psychological evaluation that was provided to me. And I had to consider that this was not your first offence, that you did admit to stalking the Reverend with an intent to kill him, and to date, you have shown no remorse. Now, this is not to say that I have no hope of your ever changing, because I do. We have successfully rehabilitated young men and women just like yourself, and I intend to follow your case very closely. But today, Johnny, based upon the information gathered, as well as my own conversations with you and your parents, I feel I have no choice but to relinquish you to the State Youth Authority, where you will remain under their care until you're 25 years old, which is the maximum penalty I am allowed to assign a 12-year-old. This concludes this hearing. Court is recessed.

Johnny:
Don't let them take me! Please! Don't let them take me! I wanna go home! I wanna go home!

Mr. Morton [to Eric] I was... I was wrong. And I just wanna apologise for what happened and for not listening to you when you told me my son was in trouble. If I had, this wouldn't have happened. I just thank God he didn't kill anyone.

Eric:
Amen.

Annie:
Lucy, wait. I got the phone bill today.

Lucy:
Congratulations.

Annie:
Your phone usage is completely out of control.

Lucy:
Define "out of control."

Annie:
[when Ruthie is chewing gum] Spit it out.

Ruthie:
How did you know?

Annie:
I have eyes in the back of my head.

Ruthie:
If that were really true, I'd bring you in to Show 'n' Tell.

[When Annie catches Simon drinking coffee]

Ruthie:
I'm not drinking coffee, I just stole it for him.

Simon:
[to Ruthie] Thanks a lot.

Annie:
Simon! [grabs the phone from Lucy] Goodbye, Jordan.

Lucy:
I had to call him to tell him I couldn't call him.

Annie:
[to Ruthie about her gum] Come on, spit it out. [to Simon] You, no coffee. [to Ruthie] You, no gum. [to Lucy] And you, no phone. Got it? Good.

Lucy:
How did you learn to be so cruel?

Annie:
It's in the "Mommy Manual" between crafts and cuddling.

Eric:
What are you doing with this stuff?

Matt:
A friend at school gave gave 'em to me. Their just natural energy boosters made from herbs or something.

Eric:
Not everything that is natural is good for you. Cocaine is extracted from the cope of plant. Heroine and Morphine come from natural plants and extracts. Natural doesn't always mean good!

Matt:
Dad, calm down, okay. Check the bottle, it's sealed. I didn't take any. I was just looking for a way to keep awake so I could keep studying.

Eric:
Oh, you'll stay awake because the main ingredient in these pills is Ephedrine which is just a chemical process away from from being Methaphetamine.

Matt:
Wait I don't get it, I mean the guy who gave these pills bought them from a health-food store. I mean if this stuff is so dangerous then why is it not illegal.

Eric:
Because Ephedrine is classified as a food not a drug, so it's not regulated the way it should be. Ephedrine-based supplements are illegal in 13 states. You know that it took to make them illegal? People died. (Mary enters the room)

Eric:
What's wrong?

Mary:
I took those pills.

Eric:
You took these pills?

Mary:
No, I didn't get the pills from Matt, I got them from Diane who gets them from her father. I thought everyone was taking them.

Eric:
I think I better talk to Diane's father. Throw them out.

Matt:
Gladly.

Lucy:
Romeo and Juliet were only 14, you know.

Eric:
Did you read the entire play? Romeo and Juliet committed suicide!

Lucy:
[hitting Matt] Who do you think you are embarrassing me like that? I am not a child! I am practically a grown woman and you have no right to interfere in my life like that!

Matt:
Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but I'd rather you be mad at me than find out you did something stupid.

Lucy:
Oh, yeah? Well, if you're so worried about me being stupid, then why don't you bust in on Mary at her stupid boy-girl sleepover?

Eric:
You know, I don't want to sound judgmental, but there really is nothing good to be said about teenage pregnancy. They're just not old enough.

Annie:
We are so lucky with Mary, Lucy and Matt.

Eric:
You ready to go?

Lucy:
Yeah. I've been on the phone all day. I called every person in this church directory announcing that I will be holding these stupid auditions.

Eric:
Oh my, and I know how you hate using the phone. You know I'll drop you off on my errand and come back by the church and help you.

Lucy:
Thanks for the offer, but I doubt there's going to be a long line for free work.

Eric:
Oh, I think you might be surprised.

Lucy:
I'll probably just be sitting there all afternoon staring at the rec room walls.

Eric:
Take your shoe shine kit, it'll give you something to do.

Lucy:
Yeah, Merry Christmas to you, too. It's not funny.

Eric:
Yes, it is.

Lucy:
I have to get Jordan something for Christmas. He got me something. He probably spent a hundred dollars. That's how much couples spend on each other these days.

Annie:
Your father and I have never spent a hundred dollars on each other at Christmas, and yet whenever we've drawn each other's name we've always managed to give each other something special. You just have to be creative.

Lucy:
First of all, it's not whenever it's every year because we all know that you guys cheat. And secondly, I don't have time to be creative. All my time is being spent trying to talk people into taking part in the live nativity scene.

Lucy:
You cried?

Mary:
I only did it because you told me too. I'm a disgrace to women drivers everywhere.

Lucy:
Yeah, but not because you cried. Because you can't parallel park. And actually crying to get your way isn't a disgrace to all women drivers, it's a disgrace to all women, period.

Mary:
You told me too.

Lucy:
Can I just make one teeny tiny suggestion? Learn how to parallel park and retake the test. When I said cry, I meant just that. Cry. Faking it is just like a lie and like lying you have to break the habit now before it controls you.

Mary:
I'm gonna break something and it's not my crying habit!

Eric:
Our kids are bad liars.

Annie:
Really bad liars, every last one of them.

Eric:
Does whatever is going on with Julie have something to do with your not wanting me anywhere near you today?

Annie:
No. Don't be ridiculous.

Eric:
I'm sorry I just couldn't help but notice that you're a little less…friendly than you were yesterday.

Annie:
There's no reason. Just like there's no reason that Ruthie keeps getting in trouble with the phone, there's no reason Lucy cries well and Mary doesn't, there's no reason that one child is sick and the other isn't, there's no reason that your sister is an alcoholic and you're not. It's just what is. I was quoting from one of your sermons.

Dr. Hastings:
I know you're angry with me and frankly, I don't blame you.

Annie:
Well, I do blame you. And why all the politeness? We didn't come here to enjoy afternoon tea. This is not something I wanted to do, but now that I am here, I want some answers. Answers to questions that I have had for 20 years!

Dr. Hastings:
Ask me anything.

Annie:
Why didn't you listen to me that night? I knew something was wrong. The nurse knew that something was wrong. You saw that my blood pressure was...

Dr. Hastings:
Was dangerously high. And you were exhibiting all the classic signs of eclampsia, but I hadn't seen eclampsia happen during labor. But I was nervous and scared and too inexperienced to be dealing with your labor. I should've called in another doctor, but unfortunately, my ego was more developed than my medical training. There is no pretty to say this, I... screwed... up.

Annie:
Then why didn't you at least apologize for endangering my life and almost killing my son. He was in an incubator for a month!

Dr. Hastings:
I didn't apologize because I didn't have the guts to face either of you, so I ran away.

Annie:
You shouldn't be practicing medicine.

Dr. Hastings:
You're absolutely right. When I was 28, I had no business being a doctor. I didn't believe in God before that night, but I knew someone saved you and it wasn't me. Someone was definitely watching out for me, for all of us. I knew I wanted to practice medicine, but I knew I didn't have the training. So I went back to medical school for another three-year residency. After I finished that, because of you and your son, I decided to dedicate my professional life to working with high-risk babies. Three months ago, I got a call from Glenoak Hospital, they wanted me to head up their new Neonatal unit. At first, I didn't want to do it because I was afraid I might run into you and I want to cause any more pain.

Ruthie:
Simon and Deena sitting in a tree: k-i-s-s-i-n-g. I'm a very good speller.

Eric:
[to his Congregation] It's just that we're all doing the best we can, considering who we are at any given moment... every single one of us and that includes the other guy. The guy who has offended us yesterday, a year ago, 20 years ago. It took a young man who's only 15 and in the depths of mourning to remind me of that. And in turn, I am reminding you, I encourage you to make this a week of reconciliation. Amen

Ruthie:
Do you know the person whose guts I hate as a one or a two? Bobby Tripp. I hate the guts inside his guts. And the guts inside those guts.

Mary:
Our little neighbor? Why do you hate him?

Ruthie:
Because he saw my underwear on the swings and he won't shut up and say he's sorry.

Eric:
Getting ready for the babies is kind of exciting, but it's scary too. Don't you think? Having two new people in the family will be a pretty big change. It's just been the seven of us for a while. Concerns? Thoughts? Fears? Anybody?

Matt:
We know the drill, Dad. Two of you will leave for the hospital, and four of you will come home.

Simon:
We've done this before.

Ruthie:
I haven't, but I can follow along.

Eric:
So the baby shower was fun?

Annie:
Well, it didn't require police involvement but that is as much as I'm going to commit to.

Eric:
I'm excited... but I'm also a little worried about these babies. I'm worried that... we don't make enough, we don't have the space enough, time enough...

Annie:
I know. We have this conversation before every trip to the hospital.

Eric:
We do?

Annie:
Yeah. And afterwards, we share an inseparable bond that only this kind of anxiety can produce. It's our routine. Things are going to be really different but I'm always going to love you. That'll never change.

Eric:
And you will always be everything I love and want to be when I grow up. But after a day like today, I..I..I worry about bringing new souls into this world at this time.

Annie:
I'm not worried. Their brothers and sisters will make a difference. They'll make it better, and so will they.

Annie:
[to Eric during labor] Stop touching me! That's what got us in this situation in the first place.

Annie:
See my tummy? That's you.

Ruthie:
Maybe I never should have come out.

Annie:
But...look what you would've missed...riding on Daddy's shoulders...and Simon rocking you on the front porch...and Mary...giving you a bath in the kitchen sink.

Ruthie:
My butt was a lot smaller then.

Annie:
All of our...bottoms were a lot smaller then.

Annie:
[after listening to Ruthie sing a depressing song] Ruthie, you are not a motherless child. Your mother is right here, listening to your beautiful song. But I'm a little busy now, and I could really use your help. You're a big sister now. That means you're more important than ever.

Annie:
Why isn't Simon watching Ruthie?

Ruthie:
Is Simon my new mommy?

Matt:
Don't make me get Mom and Dad.

Ruthie:
Ha! You couldn't get Mom and Dad away from the "Children of the Corn" if you tried!

Mr. Moon :
It's just not like our son to do something like this.

Norma :
Well, he's actually my stepson, but, you know, I feel like I gave birth to him. But I don't love what he's doing

Mr. Moon :
He's letting his grades drop, cutting class... caught him hitchhiking the other day. Hitchhiking!

Eric :
Well, I'm sure that...

Norma :
We don't know where he goes. We don't know who his friends are anymore.

Fred :
We thought you might have better insight into this than we do, you have experience.

Norma :
You know our son as well as we do. Probably better.

Eric :
I'm sorry. I have to apologize. I have two new babies at the house and my mind's just a blur. I-I'm sure I should know who you are, even if you're new to the church, but...

Fred :
It's our fault. We were in such a hurry, I... I guess we just assumed...

Norma :
We don't even go to your church.

Eric :
Lou? Anything the matter?

Lou :
No, no. I just didn't realize you were back from maternity leave.

Eric :
Sorry to intrude.

Lou :
Please forgive me.

Eric :
Oh, he's one of our deacons who, uh, has his own office, but, anyway... I think you were about to introduce yourselves.

Norma :
I'm sorry. I'm Norma and this is Fred Moon.

Eric :
Moon? Your son is Jimmy Moon?

Fred :
That's right. Lucy's old boyfriend. We really need your help.

Norma :
We think Jimmy's doing drugs.

Lucy :
Why do we have to hurry?

Mary :
I've got to pick up Ruthie, then I've got to drop you two at home, then I have to head over to the Junior High so I can make Simon look good, which is not gonna be easy.

Lucy :
You know he's just using you.

Ruthie:
Babies, babies, babies. You'd think they never even saw a baby before. The way everyone goes ooh and aah if they even poop. It's not fair.

Simon:
Forget it, that's not going to change, what has changed is my luck and I've got to change it back. Did you answer that chain letter or not?

Ruthie:
One to Simon Camden, one to Master Simon Camden and one to Senor Simon Camden. That's Spanish.

Simon:
You can't give me back my own chain letter. You're supposed to send it to three other people. The idea is to keep the chain going or bad luck will befall you.

Ruthie:
Bad luck already befalled on me the day the babies were born.

Simon:
Ditto.

Matt:
I joined the army.

Eric:
The United States army?

Annie:
Yes, the United States army. The one with the guns and the wars!

Eric:
Did they tell you you'll have to cut your hair?

Annie:
Did they tell you those are real guns with real bullets, and you can get yourself shipped off to God knows where, and for what? Just to get your college education paid for?

Eric:
[pause] How much would he get?

Matt:
Well, I'm planning on four years. I'm gonna train as a pilot and they'll give me $50,000, and I'll be able to get a job as soon I get out.

Eric:
Wow. 50 G's and a job?

Annie:
Bullets! Very fast bullets coming at our son!

[After Simon wakes everyone up in the middle of the night looking for his Red Lightning ring]

Mary:
Should we kill him now or in the morning?

[Sound of the twins crying]

Everyone:
Now!

Eric:
[to the Teacher's Board] I was going to say that Jack Brenner's a friend a mine and I don't like what he did. Should he be punished? How? And how much? By whom? And who gets to decide?

Annie:
I understand that you're helping Simon and Ruthie out with a little something.

Mrs. Hinkle:
I don't know what you're talking about.

[Annie kisses her on the cheek]

Annie:
Thanks for helping my kids.

Mrs. Hinkle:
Thanks for sharing your kids.

Eric:
Do you find find it odd that God talked to him and told him to come see me?

Simon:
No. You do a pretty good job most of the time. Why wouldn't God recommend you?

Mary:
You're a freak, you know that. A total freak, freak, freak!

Matt:
Yeah, your freak brother. And that entitles me to protect you anyway I see fit.

Mary:
No it doesn't. It doesn't entitle you to protect anything. And who needs your protection?

Matt:
Who, who!? You that's who. You're out with a guy two years older than you and you're making out with him in a cop car!

Mary:
There is no law against making out! [turns to Sergeant Michaels] Is there, Sergeant Michaels? Is there a law against making out?!

Sergeant Michaels:
I'm going to let you two settle this.

Mary:
Yeah, I know how to settle this. I'm gonna open a can of whup-ass!

Matt:
Yeah, you do that.

Mary:
I will! I will!

Burt:
Reverend, do you think dogs go to Heaven?

Eric:
It may be debated in religious circles, but there's no debate in my heart. I know dogs go to Heaven.

Simon:
The Tooth Fairy doesn't hex. The Tooth Fairy grants wishes. Good wishes.

Ruthie:
The Tooth Fairy is branching out.

Annie:
Stage fright?

Eric:
I'm not nervous about marrying Heather and Mason. I'm nervous about how Matt's dealing with Heather's impending wedding.

Annie:
It's funny. I always thought Matt and Heather would end up together.

Eric:
So if there's anyone present who does not think these two should not wed, please speak now or forever hold your peace.

Matt:
Don't do it. Heather, don't do it!

Heather:
[to Mason] I'm sorry. [runs away with Matt from the altar]

Heather:
Matt, please don't tell me you broke up my wedding just so we could go to the movies! I want to marry you. I thought you wanted to marry me.

Mason:
Well, congratulations. Now that you've pushed me out of the picture, you could just move right on in.

Matt:
I'm not the one who messed this all up. That was you. I'm not the one who had a girlfriend on the side. That was you. I'm not the one who broke Heather's heart. That was you. I may have ruined your wedding, but the day you decided to cheat on Heather, you ruined the relationship and you should be man enough to admit it!

Julie:
We have an announcement.

Hank:
Julie and I are going to get married and we don't want to wait.

Annie:
Do you know that it was this time last year that I told you there were going to be two new Camdens.

Eric:
Not again!

Annie:
I'm not pregnant. If I were, the Zero Population Control people would come and take us away.

Eric:
So instead of two new Camdens, there's going to be one new Hastings.

Heather:
Thanks for ruining my wedding.

Matt:
Anytime.