Are You Being Served?, Season 1

[First lines. The opening shot is in the gents department at Grace Brothers Department Store. The camera travels across to the lift on the right. The lift doors open with two women inside, Mrs. Betty Slocombe and Miss Shirley Brahms]

Mrs Slocombe:
Oh, is that the best you can do, Miss Brahms?

Miss Brahms:
Well it's not my job, is it? I'll try again. (Presses a button and the lift doors close, but the lift itself malfunctions)

Mrs Slocombe:
(from inside the lift) Oh, really.

[The doors open again and the two ladies realise they are in the same position]

Miss Brahms:
Look, the girl who operates the lifts should be here to help us with the move.

Mrs Slocombe:
Oh, never mind, come along. (Jumps down from the lift and Miss Brahms gives her the garment rack they have taken to the floor) Oh, Miss Brahms. Pull your skirt down.

Miss Brahms:
But we're not open.

Mrs Slocombe:
That may be, but now that we're sharing our department with gents outfitting, it might pay us to be a little more circumspect.

[But then, Mrs. Slocombe pulls the garment rack into a trolley which is being pushed by Mr. Mash, a maintenance man who works at Grace Brothers]

Mr Mash:
Cor blimey! Women drivers.

Mrs Slocombe:
That'll do, Mr. Mash. Instead of standing there making those sarcastic remarks, you could give us a hand.

Mr Mash:
Middle-class cow! (Mrs. Slocombe glares at him as he pushes his trolley to the gents counter which is being manned by Mr. Humphries)

Mr Humphries:
Having trouble with Mrs. Slocombe?

Mr Mash:
All that woman's lib's gone to her head, mate!

Mr Humphries:
Oh, I hope not. If she burns her bra, we'll have to call out the London Fire Brigade.

Mr Mash:
Women's department. Who ever heard of a women's department on this floor? It's been men's ever since I was a boy.

Mr Humphries:
That Mrs. Pankhurst's really started something.

Mr Mash:
Well what are you gonna do about it, Mr. Humphries?

Mr Humphries:
Well as a matter of fact, I was thinking of chaining myself to the lift gates.

Mr Mash:
Eh? Kinky.

[Mr. Lucas is busy cleaning the dummy lady's shoe when somebody in black shoes approaches him]

Captain Peacock:
Good morning, Mr. Lucas.

Mr Lucas:
(stands up) Oh, sorry.

[We see that the man in black shoes is Captain Stephen Peacock, the floorwalker]

Captain Peacock:
Am I to understand that you have deserted gentlemen's ready made in favour of the ladies?

Mr Lucas:
Well I'm just giving a helping hand, sir.

Captain Peacock:
Well I'm glad to see that the arrival of the ladies in your territory hasn't caused any bad blood.

Mr Lucas:
Oh no, not from me Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock:
Mmmm. One wonders whether the arrival of, er, gentlemen's shoes, for instance, would have been treated with the same enthusiasm.

Mrs Slocombe:
Mr. Lucas is doing his best to make us feel at home, Captain Peacock, which is more than can be said for the rest of the department.

Captain Peacock:
Well just a passing phase, Mrs. Slocombe. With your personality, I'm sure you could charm the very birds off the trees.

Mrs Slocombe:
Oh, oh I wouldn't say that.

Mr Lucas:
Neither would I.

Captain Peacock:
And, Lucas, while you're down there, straighten those seams. I hate to see crooked seams.

Mr Lucas:
Yes, Mr. Peacock.

Captain Peacock:
Hm?

Mr Lucas:
Captain Peacock. (Salutes to Captain Peacock and then gets back to work, but he accidentally touches the legs of Mrs. Slocombe)

Mrs Slocombe:
No!

Mr Lucas:
I'm-I'm sorry, Mrs. Slocombe, Captain Peacock told me to do it. I mean straighten them, I mean. Not yours, the dummies.

Mr Humphries:
Griffin wants you.

Mr Lucas:
Yes thank you. (to Mrs. Slocombe) I'm so sorry.

Mrs Slocombe:
Why anyone would want to buy a women's magazine with a centerfold of a nude man is beyond me.

Miss Brahms:
Well, I thought Burt Reynolds looked quite sexy.

Mrs Slocombe:
Well, you couldn't see anything; his arm was in the way.

[Captain Peacock picks up the note in front of the ladies' counter]

Mr Humphries:
(from the mens' counter) He's picked it up.

Captain Peacock:
Are you free, Mrs. Slocombe?

Mrs Slocombe:
(going to her counter) At the moment, Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock:
Mrs. Slocombe, I mentioned your complaint to, uh, Mr. Granger, And he, on his part, also made a complaint, about the view of the ladies fitting room, from his department.

Mrs Slocombe:
What was he complaining about? That he could see, or he couldn't?

Captain Peacock:
Mrs. Slocombe, I, I don't think he's quite as broadminded, as we are. (Gives the note to Mrs. Slocombe) Oh, do something about that, will you? (Goes back to the middle of the floor)

Miss Brahms:
What have you got there?

Mrs Slocombe:
It's a bit of paper. Captain Peacock gave it to me. (Opens up the note) Ooh, it's a note! Pass me glasses, Miss Brahms. (Miss Brahms gives her some glasses and Mrs. Slocombe starts reading the note) "Dear Sexy Knickers, I don't half-fancy you. Meet me outside at 5:30, and we'll get it together." Get what, well, really?

Miss Brahms:
I didn't think you had sexy knickers.

Mrs Slocombe:
As a matter of fact, they're Directoire. Some men get quite worked up about them, you know.

Miss Brahms:
[On telephone, thinking she's speaking with Peacock] If I have anymore of your ol' guff, I'll have you on the carpet.

Mr Grainger:
[Hanging up, dumbstruck] Some lady wants to have me on the carpet.

Captain Peacock:
Yes, I shall find out who wrote this. And you know me, Mrs. Slocombe, I don't rest, until I get to the bottom of things.

Mr Humphries:
Glass of water, glass of water for Mr. Granger.

Mr Lucas:
But he hasn't asked for a glass of water.

Mr Humphries:
He will!

Captain Peacock:
Are you free, Mr. Grainger?

Mr Grainger:
Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock:
Mr. Humphries?

Mr Humphries:
Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock:
Is Mr. Lucas free?

Mr Humphries:
I think he's going to be free for a very long time.

Captain Peacock:
Now, Lucas. Now, I have here, a billhead from this department, on which is written. (Reads the note thrown by Mr. Lucas to Miss Brahms) "Dear Sexy Knickers: I don't half fancy you. Meet me outside at half-past five and we'll get it together." (Mr. Lucas drinks a glass of water) Now then, it is my duty as head of this department to ask each one of you if you wrote this note. (to Mr. Grainger) Mr. Grainger, did you write this note?

Mr Grainger:
I don't even understand it!

Mr Humphries:
Mr. Grainger wouldn't say, "Dear Sexy Knickers", you'd say, "Dear Sexy Bloomers", wouldn't you?

Mr Grainger:
I very much doubt it.

Captain Peacock:
Mr. Humphries, did you write this note?

Mr Humphries:
No, but thanks for the compliment.

Captain Peacock:
Well, in view of those two denials, I can come to only one conclusion.

Mr Lucas:
Shall I leave now or work till 5:30.

Captain Peacock:
Yes, well, we'll leave the matter of your future in abeyance. What you will do is apologise to the ladies department for the distress you have caused.

Mr Lucas:
Now?

Captain Peacock:
Yes, now!

Mr Grainger:
Yes, now!

Mr Humphries:
Well, you came out of that very well.

Mr Lucas:
But, at least it gives me a chance to get over there, and chat Shirley up, and ask her out.

Mr Humphries:
If you fell in the dark, you'd come up with coal.

[Mr Lucas walks over to the the ladies department and pulls a funny face]

Mr Lucas:
Are you free, Mrs. Slocombe?

Mrs Slocombe:
At the moment, Mr. Lucas.

Mr Lucas:
I'm... I'm afraid I've, I've been a bit of a naughty boy, Mrs. Slocombe.

Mrs Slocombe:
Have you, Mr. Lucas? What have you been up to?

Mr Lucas:
Well, you know that note that you thought came from Captain Peacock?

Mrs Slocombe:
Yes.

Mr Lucas:
Well, it was from me.

Mrs Slocombe:
Well, I should've guessed all the time, shouldn't I?

Mr Lucas:
What?

Mrs Slocombe:
I've seen the way you've been looking at me!

Mr Lucas:
What?

Mrs Slocombe:
(in a sexy voice) But you're a very naughty boy, sending notes. You should've come across in the open and come out with it!

Mr Lucas:
Should I?

Mrs Slocombe:
You shouldn't be so shy. (in a sexy voice) You know, you're more attractive than you think.

Mr Lucas:
Am I?

Mrs Slocombe:
(checking her watch) Ooh, it's 5:30. Well, I'll just put my hat on and meet you outside! (in a sexy voice) Mind you, I'm not promising anything.

Miss Brahms:
What's on?

Mr Lucas:
Well, there's Bambi in Studio Two, then around the corner there's The Unsatisfied Virgin... I've seen Bambi.

Mr Rumbold:
I always think there is a reason for poor performance. Now, a happy salesman is a good salesman. And you don't look happy, Mr Lucas. I think if you could smile more, that would help.

Mr Lucas:
Well, I'm sorry if I haven't been smiling enough, Mr Rumbold.

Mr Rumbold:
Well, there must be a reason. Are you, um... And I don't wish to pry, but are you, um... Are you unhappy at home?

Mr Lucas:
Ah... Yes! That could very well be it, yes!

Mr Rumbold:
Now we're getting somewhere, sit down and tell me about it.

Mr Lucas:
Thank you, yes. [Sits at Rumbold's desk. Rumbold sits in the chair opposite) It's my environment you see, sir. You see, I've only got this one shabby little room.

Mr Rumbold:
In Highgate, isn't it?

Mr Lucas:
Yes, yes, very poor part of Highgate mind, I mean... And ever since we took in that Asian to help make ends meet, well... The strain has been too much for my crippled mother and she's had to give up her job at the skating rink. Taking the tickets.

Mr Rumbold:
I had no idea!

Mr Lucas:
Yes... Well... [Pretending to hold back tears] What with that, and the fact that the... The cat's got asthma and has been coughing all night. What with all that and also the fact that we have to cook on a broken old gas ring, well... There are days when somehow, life seems to have lost its magic. And particularly since we had an eviction note this morning! But as you suggest, Mr Rumbold, I will do my best and try and smile a bit more.

Mr Rumbold:
[Blows nose] This really is a terrible story!

Mr Lucas:
[Surprised] Is it?!

Mrs Slocombe:
Yes well, I met my husband in a German air raid. His face was lit from an incoming incendiary. He threw me flat on me face and said: "Look out, here comes a big one!".

Mr Lucas:
They didn't have much time for chatting in those days.

[Mr Mash brings round pyjamas]

Mr Mash:
There we are Miss Brahms.

Miss Brahms:
Oh, no thank you, I don't wear them. I don't like the rough material on my skin.

Mrs Slocombe:
You will wear pyjamas tonight, Miss Brahms! Suppose there was a fire and you had no clothes on?

Miss Brahms:
Oooh, I'd be first to get rescued!