Are You Being Served?, Season 4

Mr Grainger:
[To customer] And that's because you've got a fat face, piggy eyes, and a... a pimple, on your nose. [Turns to Humphries and Lucas] You young salesmen just don't know how not to sell clothes.

Mr Humphries:
[To his mother, on the phone] If a man rings up with a Scottish accent, you're the cleaner and you've never heard of me. No, I don't owe him any money...I don't owe him anything. What do you mean there's someone coming up the garden path in a kilt? Well, look, lock the door and hide in the cupboard. I'll phone you before I leave here. Whatever you do, don't open the door unless it's a young policeman carrying a rolled umbrella. And if I can borrow a helmet from the toy department, that'll be me."

Mr Humphries & Mr Lucas:
One for them and one for us, one for them and one for us, one for them and one for us. [Arab man holds up knife threateningly] All for them and none for us, all for them and none for us.

Mr Rumbold:
Let's see how that sounds. Happy birthday, dear Uh-Uh-Uh-Uh.

Mr Lucas:
Sounds like a bad attack of indigestion.

Captain Peacock:
"What are we going to sing now? Uh, Uh-Uh, Uh-Uh-Uh or Uh-Uh-Uh-Uh?"

Mr Rumbold:
Uh...

Mr Lucas:
I'll settle for that.

Mr Rumbold:
No, we'll have two Uhs.

Mr Grainger:
I entirely agree! To Uh-Uh is human.

Mrs Slocombe:
I notice she didn't cry like that when she thought it was me.

Mr Lucas:
Funny that...

[Mr. Harman arrives on the floor with a new display unit]

Mr Harman:
(singing) Rollin' round the world, looking for the sunshine. Everybody shines. (stops singing and talks to the staff) Here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the CDU.

Mr Grainger:
CDU?

Staff:
The Christmas Display Unit.

Mr Rumbold:
Grace Brothers is purchasing one for each department.

[Mr Harman unveils the Christmas Display Unit which is a model of Father Christmas]

Mr Lucas:
What a lovely thought. I bet there's a diesel-powered radio to go with it. Next Christmas, they'll have us all replaced by robots. I can see it now, you know, a remote control Grainger with a bionic truss... (Mr. Grainger looks at him) ...a gas-filled Mrs. Slocombe...

Mrs Slocombe:
And a special switch for Mr. Lucas to shut his atomic cake hole.

Captain Peacock:
May we inquire exactly what its function is?

Mr Rumbold:
Yes well, the specification says that it utters a Christmas phrase in a deep, avuncular voice, and opens its arms in a friendly, welcoming fashion.

Mrs Slocombe:
That'll be nice.

Miss Brahms:
Can I ask a question?

Mr Rumbold:
Yes, of course. (Takes his glasses off) I realise it is all rather technical for the average mind to grasp, but I'll do my best. What is it?

Miss Brahms:
What does 'avuncular' mean?

Mr Rumbold:
(putting his glasses back on) Well it means like a sort of...

Captain Peacock:
Like an uncle.

Miss Brahms:
But he looks nothing like my uncle.

Mr Lucas:
Looks a bit like my Auntie Ethel, only her beard's a bit longer.

Mr Rumbold:
Yes well I won't ask if there are any more questions.

Captain Peacock:
(to Mr. Harman) Can we see it work?

Mr Rumbold:
Yes, all we need is 50p.

Mr Harman:
Oh, here. Be my guest, Mr. Rumbold.

Mr Rumbold:
No call for you to provide it, Mr. Harman.

Mr Harman:
Oh, think nothing of it. I've got the key to the money box. (Places a coin in the money box)

Father Christmas Model:
Ho, Ho, Ho, little boy, have I got a surprise for you.

Mr Harman:
Yeah, well you see, there should be a brand tub in front where the little ones put their sticky little mitts and they bring out a manificent plastic present made in Hong Kong.

Mr Lucas:
Worth about fourpence.

Miss Brahms:
'Ere, I thought you said it opened its arms in a warm and friendly fashion.

Mr Harman:
I think a little technical adjustment is required, if you will excuse me. (Adjusts the Christmas Display Unit and then turns to Mr. Rumbold) Shall I try again sir?

Mr Rumbold:
Yes please.

[Mr. Harman places a coin in the money box, which starts the Christmas Display Unit]

Father Christmas Model:
Ho, Ho, Ho, little boy, have I got a surprise for you. (Opens its arms, taking the red coat with it, revealing the naked dummy body, and then conceals it again)

Mrs. Slocombe:
I wonder what that cost?

Mr Lucas:
Why, do you want to buy one?

Mr Harman:
Yeah, Well the sleeves has got stitched to the coat. I'll soon get that fixed.

[Mr. Humphries arrives]

Mr Humphries:
Have I missed anything?

Mr Rumbold:
Well there are one or two teething troubles, but I'm sure you'll soon get the gist of what we're trying to do. (to Mr. Harman) Show him, Mr. Harman. Uh, there are going to be one of these in each department for Christmas.

Father Christmas Model:
Ho, Ho, Ho, little boy, have I got a surprise for you. (Opens its coat, revealing the naked dummy body)

[Mr. Humphries blinks repeatedly and faints, collapsing into Mr. Lucas' arms]