Are You Being Served?, Season 6

Captain Peacock:
[After viewing a sales model with rotating breasts] Excuse me Madam, I wonder if we could interest you in the new "Flexi-bra". However wayward your figure, the Flexi-bra will cling to it, and control it. [Shows her model]

Madam:
I know all about them, thank you. In fact, I wear one. [Opens coat to reveal her breasts rotating like the models]

Sir:
And I have the matching pants. [Turns to reveal his buttocks rotating in the same fashion]

Mr Humphries:
[Faints, collapsing into Lucas' arms]

[Mr. Humphries and Mr. Lucas are at their counter sorting out the white cloths]

Mr Humphries:
So, anyway, we both came out of the pictures, you see, and we got into her sports car and she's sitting there, brushing her long blonde hair in the driving mirror you know the way they do, and she turns to me and she said, "Um, should I drop you home?"

Mr Lucas:
You refused, of course.

Mr Humphries:
Well, no, she behaved herself quite well in the cinema. Apart from when she reached over to get a chocolate and I had the box on me lap.

Mr Lucas:
That was when she was looking for the one with the hard centre, was it?

Mr Humphries:
Yeah, she wasn't best pleased when she had to make do with a marzipan. Anyway, you see, we get outside the front door and she said, she looked at me, coy like, you know, and she said, "Uh, are you going to invite me in for coffee?"

Mr Lucas:
And did you?

Mr Humphries:
No, I got a crack in me corner. So, anyway, she said, "Well, we'll have to say goodnight here, then," and she flung her arms around me neck and she grappled with me like Mick McManus.

Mr Lucas:
You never told me you've been out with Mick McManus.

Mr Humphries:
If you're going to mock me, I shall not let you be privy to my confidences. So, anyway, she presses a button and the seat flew back, and there I was, about to be washed away on a tidal wave of passion, when me mother banged on the bonnet with a rolling pin and gave her a minute to get out or make an honest man of me. (The telephone rings and Mr. Humphries answers it) Menswear.

[Meanwhile, Mr. Harman and his colleagues are putting up a "Bliss" counter in the centre of the floor]

Mr Harman:
Warick, shove it down about there. That's it, Warick, there we are. There. (to Captain Peacock) Presenting the Bliss Pong Shop. Where would you like it?

Captain Peacock:
(pointing to the ladies' department) It has to go over there. (to Harman's colleagues) You and you, take that counter away.

Mr Harman:
Um, don't move, stand fast. (turns to Peacock) Captain Peacock, you do not tell my men to take that counter away. They are under my jurisprudence. You tell me to take that counter away and I tell them to take that counter away.

Captain Peacock:
Harman, take that counter away.

Mr Harman:
It's Mr. Harman.

Captain Peacock:
Very well, Mr. Harman.

Mr Harman:
What?

Captain Peacock:
Will you please take that counter away?

Mr Harman':
Right, you and you, counter, out!

[Warick and his colleague pick up the ladies' counter]

Mrs Slocombe:
Just a minute. Put that counter down.

[The camera cuts to Captain Peacock. Mr. Humphries and Mr. Lucas are standing behind him]

Captain Peacock:
Mrs. Slocombe. (Wiggles his finger)

Mrs Slocombe:
Captain Peacock, I do not respond to any man's finger.

Mr Humphries:
You know, I used to have an aunt that said that. Maiden aunt.

Captain Peacock:
Mrs. Slocombe, it is my understood prerogative as floor walker to summon any of my subordinates if I wish to give them my instructions. Now, will you please exceed to my request?

Mrs Slocombe:
In a word, not on your nelly.

Mr Harman:
(to Miss Brahms) It's exciting, innit? You can feel the tension mounting.

Captain Peacock:
Mrs. Slocombe, I shall count to five, and if you have not complied, then I shall make an adverse entry in my book.

Miss Brahms:
Two of them, she'd get sent off.

Captain Peacock:
One. Two. Three. Four.

Mr Harman:
Four and a half.

Captain Peacock:
Five. (Writes in his notebook) Mrs. Slocombe, truculent and impertinent.

Mrs Slocombe:
Captain Peacock, I may have been truculent, but I was certainly not impertinent.

Captain Peacock:
I've already entered impertinent in my book.

Mrs Slocombe:
Oh, well, in that case. (Blows a raspberry and sticks two fingers up)