All in the Family, Season 2

Louise:
Was his death untimely?

Archie:
Yeah, around lunchtime.

Archie:
What do you want me to do? Spend $600 on a funeral for a guy who used to sit on my face?

Edith:
He'll never do it again.

Mike:
The most casual acquaintances kiss today.

Edith:
They do it all the time on TV. Like Merv Griffin and Johnny Carson.

Archie:
Merv Griffin and Johnny Carson don't kiss each other!

Edith:
That's right. They're on different channels... It's Jerry Lewis that kisses Johnny Carson.

Archie:
Will you stifle yourself?

Edith:
I don't know who Merv Griffin kisses.

Lionel:
... I've been thinking about jogging for months.

Archie:
Well, you don't have to drag (Mike) along, you can do that by yourself.

Lionel:
Well, let me ask you a question, Mr. Bunker. Now, if you were walking down the street at seven o'clock in the morning, and you saw this black guy, all by himself, running through this neighborhood, what would you think?

Archie:
I see what you mean there, Lionel.

Lionel:
Yeah, I figured you would.

(Gloria has been posing for three weeks, concerning Archie)

Archie:
C'mon, give me your opinion, straight from the dingbat.

Edith:
Well, I think you should mind your own business.

Archie:
Who asked you?

Archie:
... Dragging me off to a moving picture like that, it was absolutely disgusting!

Edith:
Well, I'm sorry, Archie. How was I to know? I thought it was a religious picture: "Cardinal Knowledge."

Mike:
We are talking about my wife and my best friend. And yes, I do trust them!... You see, there's your difference between your generations right there, Archie. You've been spending the last 30 years checking under every bed for a Communist and going around thinking you're better and holier than they are with your stinkin' Puritan ethic, and what have you got to show for it?

Archie:
A wife who's home at ten o'clock.

Mike:
Sure, and the fear and the mistrust of the whole rest of the world! Well, you can live with that fear, Archie, and you can live with that mistrust. I don't want to have any part of it, do you hear what I'm saying? I don't want any part of it!

(Mike is now on the telephone)

Mike:
Szabo, what the hell are you doing with my wife?!

Archie:
These sinuses are murder. They fog up my whole head.

Mike:
Well, that explains everything.

Archie:
That's why your coloreds have to behave better, they gotta act nicer, they gotta try harder...

Lionel:
Yeah, that's right, we's like Avis.

Gloria:
If Michael gets arrested, they'll book him and fingerprint him, and it'll be on his record. And then when he goes to look for a job—

Archie:
When? When? When?

Archie:
I'm telling you, Edith, we're living in a jungle. That's what, a jungle. But you know what I got?

Mike:
Malaria.

(after the robbers laugh about their past)

Edith:
I don't know how you can laugh through all that misery.

Coke:
Practice, lady. Practice.

Coke:
What do we have here? Cash!

Edith:
You can't have it!

Coke:
I beg your pardon? Who's the crook here?

Edith's Song:

Everyone is someone, if you love them

Love can make a hero from a chump

Love can make a useless man seem useful

Love can grow a flower from a dump

If you dare to reach out to a stranger

You may find you've found a friend indeed

'Cause everyone is someone if you love them

'Cause love is something everybody needs.

Archie:
all I've been hearing about is cling peaches, which is comin' out of my ears! Now don't say them two words no more! Now, how did you hit a car?

Edith:
Well, that's where the... mmm-MMMM-mmm came in... You told me never to say them two words. (Continuing) You see, I was coming out of the supermarket with my basket full of mmm-MMMM-mmm. And there was Mrs. Duncan with her new baby. I took a peek in the carriage, but I couldn't see the baby too well, he was all...

Archie:
Will you get on with the story?

Edith:
Well, I knew I had to say something nice about the baby, so I went "Oh! Isn't that a beautiful baby!" And when I went "Oh!", the shopping basket got away from me, rolled down the hill and smashed into this parked car and scratched the fender. And then, this can of mmm-MMMM-mmm... in heavy syrup... jumped out and made a big dent in the hood!

(pause)

Edith:
It was a freak accident!

Archie:
We got a religious oil burner: It don't work Sundays.

Archie:
This house is constructed way better than most of the new ones you see around today.

Mike:
So are the pyramids, but who'd want to live there?

Archie:
You would if they let you in for nothing.

(The realtor, Chester Byrd, is black)

Archie:
(from the kitchen) Would you like a nice soft drink, Mr. Byrd, or would you prefer something hard?

Mr. Byrd:
Soft would be fine.

Mike:
Pour yourself a hard one, Arch.

(Archie & Mr. Byrd meet)

Archie:
You're colored.

Mike:
Gee Arch, we didn't think you'd notice.

Archie:
You didn't sound colored on the phone.

Mr. Byrd:
I used the white telephone.

Archie:
I ain't gonna sell (the house).

Mr. Byrd:
Oh? Did something happen to color your decision?

Mike:
Oh, I've decided it's too tough for me, Gloria. I'm going to quit college and get a job.

Gloria:
Oh Michael, don't be childish.

Archie:
Let him be childish!

(Archie has been in the bathroom over 20 minutes)

Edith:
Archie! When are ya coming out?

Archie:
Why, ya selling the house?

Edith:
You've been in there for 20 minutes.

Archie:
Who are you, the official timekeeper?

Edith:
What are you doing in there anyway?

Archie:
I'm changing the tile! One more word out of ya and I ain't never coming out!

(Archie tries to help Mike with his problem)

Archie:
This is what you gotta do. Before you go to sleep at night, sit down and say to yourself, "Is there anything else that I forgot to do?" You could even write yourself a little note... All I'm saying is, before you go to bed, look around, see what's there... read your note!

(Archie laments having to choose a co-worker to dismiss)

Archie:
It's because of this depression, or recession, or whatever they're calling it.

Mike:
Nixon calls it a recent upswing in the economic picture.

Archie:
Can't you ask me an intelligent question?

Mike:
I didn't want to confuse you.

Wendell:
Well, Uncle Archie... Let me make this perfectly clear.

Mike:
Where have I heard that one before?

Little Emmanuel:
Archie! Por favor?

Archie:
Yeah, pour some more.

Edith:
Oh my, red wine. I bet it's Manischewitz.

Archie:
No Edith, I buy strictly American.

Archie:
So tonight on the Walter Cronkite news, guess who youse is going to see there. Just think of somebody you all know and love.

Edith:
Marcus Welby!

Archie:
Oh geez, when are they gonna come out with a pill for dingbat.

Archie:
I told that CBS guy, I said, 'Listen, there's millions of guys like me in the country that really believe in President Nixon. God believes in him, too.'

Mike:
You said that on television? God believes in Nixon?

Archie:
Certainly. Billy Graham plays golf with him, don't he?

Mike:
What does that mean?

Archie:
That means God believes in Nixon.

Mike:
Wait a second, Archie. Are you saying that Nixon rules because of divine right?

Archie:
It's a damn sight better than your divine left.

Maude:
Did you hear me? I said breakfast was on the table.

Archie:
I heard ya. So did every moose up in Canada!

Archie:
Wait a minute... custard for them, what the hell do you call this?

Maude:
It's my own invention: Cream Of Wheat with cheese... It's light, but it binds.

Archie:
It looks like something I ate and lost.

Archie:
You're in my chair, Maude!

Maude:
So?

Archie:
I wanna sit in my chair!

Maude:
Oh?

Archie:
Ya gonna get out of that chair?

Maude:
NO!

Archie:
This country was ruined by Franklin Delano Roosevelt!

Maude:
You're fat.

Archie:
Why don't you tell them (the Puerto Rican couple) about it? You speak their lingo, don't ya?

Hubert:
What makes you think I speak their lingo?

Archie:
Well, figured you learned some of it living up in Harlem.

Hubert:
What makes you think I live in Harlem?

Archie:
You look it.

Hubert:
What makes you think?

Mike:
You know, it never occurred to me before. Mickey Mouse is black.

Archie:
Aw, get outta here. Mickey Mouse ain't got no race. He stands for all men.

Mike:
That's why Walt (Disney) made him a mouse.

Gloria:
Ma, have you been more forgetful lately?

Edith:
Forgetful? I don't know, let me think.

Gloria:
Ma?

Edith:
Gloria, what did you just ask me?

Gloria:
Nowadays, with simple hormone treatment, there are no unpleasant manifestations.

Edith:
Well, my Aunt Elizabeth went through this, and she didn't get manifestations... she got a mustache!

(showing Edith a Disney World brochure)

Archie:
Look at this, an all-bear band.

Edith:
A naked band at Disney World?

Archie:
Well, menopause is a tough time to be going through, especially for nervous types. So he prescribed these here pills.

Mike:
Oh, good.

Archie:
I gotta take three of them a day.

Archie:
Edith... If you're going to have the change of life, you've got to do it right now! I'm giving ya just 30 seconds; now c'mon, change!

Edith:
Can I finish my soup first?

Archie:
Don't be bothering the U.S. government with the Constitution!

Mike:
Why, you afraid the government might read it?

Mr. Bradford:
How would you describe Mr. Grundy's drinking habits?

Archie:
He seldom buys.

Edith:
Oh, Archie, you're home.

Archie:
No, Edith, I'm still at work. What you see standing here is merely a pigment of your imagination.

Gloria:
We have some more talking to do.

Mike:
More talking? Gloria, it's 5:30 in the morning. You've said everything there is to say... twice.

Gloria:
You miserable creep.

Mike:
You said that three times.

Archie:
Just a minute, I'll tell them.

Mike:
Well, you better tell the truth.

Archie:
Forget the truth, listen to me!

Mike:
(to Gloria) Will you stay out of this, please?

Archie:
Hold it! She's making sense. And a husband ought to listen to his wife.

Edith:
Archie—

Archie:
Dry up!

Mr. Vechino:
(to Edith) A person like your Archie makes you feel real good to belong to the human race.

Mike:
Yeah, maybe one of these days, we'll get him to join it.

Mr. Vechino:
(referring to God) He sees everything! He knows everything we do!

Archie:
Get outta here, you don't really believe that.

Mr. Vechino:
Yes, I do!

Archie:
Then how come youse people are always running to confession, telling Him what's happening?

Mr. Vechino:
Now we're getting the truth! It's because I'm catholic that you ain't helping me!

Archie:
That ain't the truth. I'd say the same thing even if you belonged to the right church!

(Jefferson Cleaners has just ruined Edith's new mink cape)

Archie:
What do they know about fur?

Mike:
That's right, Arch. All we taught them was how to work with cotton.

(talking about Russ' plumbing business)

Russ DeKuiper:
I built that business up myself!

Archie:
...And (Amelia's) brother on the Board of Education. He gave you the concessions for a whole school district there. Six hundred terlits! Boy, talk about falling into a royal flush!

(The family is trying to guess who rode Archie's cab)

Edith:
Let's try, I'll go first... Living or dead?

Archie:
I was driving a cab, Edith, not a hearse. Go back to your Solitaire, huh.

Gloria:
Give us a hint. Is he in show business?

Archie:
Bingo. I'll give you another hint. Bongo, bongo, bongo.

Mike:
Well, he's either Desi Arnaz, or knowing you, he's probably black.

Archie:
Right. Black as the ace of spades. In fact, as far as I'm concerned, this guy IS the ace of spades.

Edith:
For goodness sakes. Archie, you just said ace of spades and I turned up the ace of spades. You see that in the movies and you say that wouldn't happen in real life, but here we are in real life and it happened.

Archie:
We're in real life over here, Edith, would you care to join us?

Gloria:
Was it Flip Wilson?

Archie:
No, no, no, no.

Mike:
Belafonte?

Archie:
No, I said black, Meathead. Harvey Belafonte ain't black. He's just a good looking white guy dipped in carmel (sic).

Mike:
What's the difference between our neighbor Lionel Jefferson and Sammy Davis Jr.?

Archie:
Ten million dollars and five purple Cadillacs!

Archie:
Can you maybe give us a little preview of one of the songs you're gonna do?

Gloria:
Oh, daddy. Mr. Davis makes his living entertaining. You're asking him to go to work.

Mike:
Yeah, Arch. How'd you like to be a guest in somebody's house, and they say, "C'mon Arch, do some packing and lifting for us"?

Archie:
I think that if God had meant us to be together, He'd have put us together. But look what He done. He put you over in Africa, and He put the rest of us in all the white countries.

Sammy Davis Jr.:
Well, you must have told him where we were, 'cause somebody came and got us.

Gloria:
I'm sorry Mr. Davis. Sometimes my father says the wrong things.

Sammy:
Yes, I've noticed that.

Lionel:
But he's not a bad guy. I mean, he'd never burn a cross on your lawn.

Sammy:
Yeah, but if he saw one burning he's liable to toast a marshmallow on it!

Sammy:
(to Archie) And if you were prejudiced, you'd walk around thinking you're better than anybody else in the world. But I can honestly say, having spent these marvelous moments with you... You ain't better than anybody.

Archie:
Can I have your hand on that, Sammy?

(after Sammy kisses Archie)

Archie:
Well... What the hell, he said it was in his contract!

(Edith is sorting through laundry ruined at the coin laundromat)

Edith:
Look at this! You must have forgot to separate the coloreds from the whites.

Mike:
(incredulous) Archie? Forget to separate the coloreds from the whites?

Mike:
(turning off TV) C'mon, I'll turn it on as soon as soon as you give me the first few lines of the National Anthem!

Archie:
Oh say, can you see by the dawn's early light... what so proudly we hail, of thee I sing.

Gloria:
Your Honor, as the bailiff's wife, I object to this kind of language.

Mike:
That's right, and I suggest that Mr. Bunker be held in contempt of court!

Archie:
Until you start paying rent around here, you're in contempt of house!

Gloria:
How come you married Daddy instead of (Freddie Witthauser)?

Edith:
Well, I liked being called a "Goddess of Beauty", but somehow it seemed more permanent when your father called me a dingbat.

(regarding the Witthauser incident)

Archie:
You're going to have to ask me to forgive ya.

Edith:
All right. Forgive me?

Archie:
Then you admit it, huh?

Edith:
There's nothing to admit.

Archie:
Then what are you asking me to forgive you for?

Edith:
I don't know; you asked me to ask you...

Walter:
(Carol) was married before, she has an eight-year old son, she's had half-dozen affairs... So in all that heavy traffic, how did she manage that tricky U-turn back to purity and innocence?

Maude:
God'll get you for that, Walter.

Maude:
Archie, you have ruined my daughter's wedding!

Archie:
Well, that makes us even, Maude, because you ruined my weekend!

Archie:
When it comes to defense, democracy's gonna have to wait.

Archie:
I ain't no bigot. I'm the first guy to say, "It ain't your fault that youse are colored."

Archie:
God bless America, you dumb Polack!

Mike:
YOU'RE PREJUDICED! YOU'RE PREJUDICED! YOU'RE PREJUDICED!

Archie:
I'm going down to Kelcy's saloon... where the only problem is closing time!

Archie:
What I say ain't got nothing to do with what I think.

Archie:
Next time you want to time something, Edith, just let the sand run out of your head.

Edith:
Archie's got a lot of sentiment. You just gotta know where to look for it.

Archie:
Oh, she's all right, but for the next couple weeks, but you can't expect to see the regular dingbat flying around here. Till these here pills take effect, you're gonna be looking at super dingbat.

Archie:
Oh well. All that "best buddy" stuff... it's all for kids anyhow.

Edith:
Why are you asking me so many questions? So there's a little boy in the room. Is there anything wrong with having a little boy in the room? Is there a law against having a little boy in the room? It's nice having a little boy in the room. And if you want me to answer any more questions, don't ask me!

Gloria:
Most people's mistakes don't walk in the front door and say, "Hi, Daddy!"

Archie:
Them Sicilians are famous for two things: Spaghetti and revenge.

Edith:
(to Sammy) I'm so excited, but then you can't imagine because you've never had to meet yourself!

Archie:
Now, Mr. Davis, do you take cream and sugar in your eye?

Sammy:
(to Archie) If you were prejudiced you would, like some people, close their eyes to what's going on in this great country that we live in. But not you, Archie, your eyes are wide open. You can tell the difference between black and white.

Archie:
When I come home from work, and I say "What's new, Edith?", I want her to tell me what's new, even if it is twenty-five years old!

Maude:
I invited Edith because I love her. And everywhere she goes, Archie goes. You know, like that Vaudeville act? There's the front end of the horse, and then there's Archie.

Maude:
Still fighting mental health, eh, Archie?