The Golden Palace

Rose:
[to a burglar with a ski mask] The hat is a tip-off, but...is this your first time in Miami?

Chuy:
I'm back.

Sophia:
[not seeing Chuy] Dorothy?!

Sophia:
Well, I'm 88, and --

Rose:
87.

Sophia:
What?

Rose:
You're 87, Sophia.

Sophia:
...okay. I'm 87 years old, and I used to have to wake up every morning just to live. Now I have to wake up every morning to cook 50 pounds of ravioli. I got stuff to do.

Sophia:
You almost killed me!

Blanche:
Nothing could kill you.

Sophia:
Well, too much corn.

Blanche:
On nights like this, we usually bare our souls and polish off a cheesecake.

Rose:
And I often tell a story about my hometown of St. Olaf.

Chuy:
St. Olaf? Sounds fascinating.

Roland:
Tell us about it.

Sophia:
Rookies!

Rose:
All we have to do is write "The Golden Palace" on something everyone sees.

Sophia:
What do you say, Blanche? Up for another tattoo on your butt?

[Sophia and Chuy are playing poker]

Blanche:
What's going on down here?

Chuy:
Oh, Sophia got my pot.

Blanche:
Well, she's a good cook, too. I'm sure she'll use it well.

Chuy:
No, not that pot. The other kind.

Blanche:
[shocked] All right, what in the hell is going on here?

Chuy:
What? We were playing poker and she won. What did you think?

Blanche:
[relieved] Oh!

Chuy:
Wait a minute! Blanche, I'm shocked. Do I look like the kind of guy who would smoke marijuana?

(Note:
Chuy was played by Cheech Marin, best known as one-half of the pot-smoking comedy duo Cheech and Chong.)

Blanche:
Roland, I am not in a good mood right now.

Roland:
Have you tried singing "Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah"?

Blanche:
I'm telling you for the last time, no sheep, Rose.

Rose:
"No sheep, Rose." "No sheep, Rose." That's all I ever hear from you.

Blanche:
All my life I've wondered what it would be like to run my own business. You know, I can remember when I was younger and wanting to go into business for myself. Now, I sat myself down and I said, "What is it that I'm really good at that would make me a lot of money?"

Sophia:
[raising hand] Oooh! Oooh! Oooh! Oooh!

Blanche:
It had to be something that I enjoyed doing...

Sophia and Rose:
[raising hands] Oooh! Oooh! Oooh!

Blanche:
...And something that would benefit mankind.

Chuy, Sophia and Rose:
[raising hands] Oooh! Oooh! Oooh! Oooh!

Blanche:
And of course, it had to be something that was legal.

Chuy, Sophia and Rose:
[lowering their hands] Oh.

Sophia:
They've got a choice: they can eat my lasagna or kiss my but.

Chuy:
Okay, does your butt come with soup and salad?

Rose:
Penny for your thoughts, Sophia?

Sophia:
You're stupid, and that's on the house.

Rose:
[Storms out of the kitchen and is in a bad mood because of Blanche]

Man:
Excuse me. I ordered rice. These are baked potatoes!

Rose:
[Picks up potatoes and throws them against the door] We need rice!

Sophia:
I need to make some money. Maybe I should wear a shorter skirt.

Chuy:
Maybe you should just threaten to.

Roland:
Oh yeah, I guess it is about time I had a little talk with (Oliver) about... well... you know.

Blanche:
Sex. Well, You can say it, it's not a dirty word.

Chuy(to Roland):
Yeah, go ahead and say it. [in a guttural voice] SEXXXXXXXXXXX!

Blanche:
...okay, when Chuy says it, it's a dirty word. But still, we have to face the fact that Oliver's growing up and he needs the truth.

Roland:
I know. I just haven't anticipated this happening so soon. I mean, Just yesterday I saw him in his room, making little animals with Rose's Play-Doh Fun Factory. And now I gotta tell him about-

Chuy:
[in same guttural voice] SEXXXXXXXXXXX!

Roland:
Man, will you stop saying that? Look, I gotta have this big talk with Oliver, I just wish I knew what to tell him.

Blanche:
My mother told me sex was a woman's duty. That was the word she used, "duty". And I guess I've been a proud little soldier ever since.

Chuy:
Soldier!? You're a four-star general, I SALUTE YOU!

Roland:
I don't squish bugs. I shoo them.

[Sophia steps on a bug]

Sophia:
There! I just shoed one too!

Roland:
It's okay. I don't mind. I'm a workaholic.

Rose:
[shocked] Oh, my God! He's been drinking Workahol?!

Joanne:
Hello, wover [lover]. Guess who?

Roland:
Please, God, tell me it's Elmer Fudd!

[Dorothy is talking about how Sophia used her as a waitress when she was a child]

Dorothy:
You used me!

Sophia:
It was our quality time!

Dorothy:
Quality time?! You referred to me as 'the help!'

Sophia:
It was a nickname!

Dorothy:
On Thursdays you'd lend me out to the neighbors!

Sophia:
So? You learned the trade. Ingratitude. That's all I've gotten from any of my employees -- kids, my kids.\

Cab Driver:
I was just counting this fare. I think you forgot to add a tip.

Dorothy:
A tip? A tip. Uh, let's review your performance, shall we? Let's see, you backed over my luggage, took the causeway during rush hour, stopped the car twice to sell fruit out of your trunk. A tip? Walk away now and no one gets hurt.

Rose:
[mopping up] Sophia, wet floor!

Sophia:
I can't do that on command! I have to be scared first!

Rose:
Chuy, wet floor!

Chuy:
What, somebody scared Sophia?

Restaurant Customer:
[after Dorothy drops off his bill] Excuse me, aren't you forgetting something?

Dorothy:
Uh, like what?

Restaurant Customer:
Aren't you going to say "Have a nice day"?

Dorothy:
No. Look, in the 45 minutes that I've served you, you complained about the food, the coffee, the service, and said that in my case, a sprinkle a day wasn't quite doing the trick. I don't care if you have a pulse, much less a nice day.

Dorothy:
Ma, you look horrible! You're as white as a sheet!

Sophia:
That's because I'm between heartbeats. Come back in 15 minutes, and I'll look like one of the Last of the Mohicans!

Dorothy:
[referring to Sophia] Has she come down yet?

Rose:
Has who come down yet?

Dorothy:
Amelia Earhart, Rose!

[Dorothy is upset with Blanche because Sophia ran away]

Blanche:
I can't believe you said that. If I weren't a lady, I'd deck you.

Dorothy:
If you'd try, I'd have you on your back so fast, you'd think you're out on a date.

Dorothy:
Blanche, do you know what your problem is? You're all talk and no action. Just like your sex life.

Blanche:
What are you saying? Are you saying I'm not a tramp? Then why do you think they call me the female Ted Kennedy?

Dorothy:
Because you look like him.

Ramone:
You're Chuy Castillos?

Chuy:
Yeah?

Ramone:
You look like one of the Super Mario Bros.

Chuy:
It's taken two years, but as of today I will have lost 140 pounds of ugly fat.

Rose:
You used to be heavy?

Chuy:
No, married.

Roland:
Yeah, today's the day that Chuy signs his final divorce papers.

Rose:
Oh, I'll bet you have mixed feelings about that.

Chuy:
Are you kidding? I'm thrilled it's over. Eight years. Eight long, miserable years. Do you know what it's like to live with a foul-mouthed, vicious shrew for eight years?

Sophia:
[to Rose] Move it or lose it, you Danish dork!

Chuy:
I guess you do.

Nick DeCarlo:
You're smarter than you look.

Rose:
I wish I could believe that.

Blanche:
[about her husband George] He was a lusty man. Lusty, zesty man. Lusty, zesty cowboy who liked to ride all night!

Sophia:
I thought this practical joke would make me laugh, but it hasn't. It's affected me in ways I didn't think possible.

Chuy:
It made you feel ashamed, didn't it?

Sophia:
No, it excited me sexually.

Chuy:
Sophia!

Sophia:
I'm just as shocked as you are.

Roland:
It's not up to us to make moral judgements about the people staying in this hotel. [notices sign reading "Daughters of the Traditional South" in the lobby] "Daughters of the Traditional South?" Those bigots in bonnets aren't staying in this hotel!

Blanche:
Roland, there is nothing wrong with the Daughters of the Traditional South!

Roland:
Oh, I see; when they put those sheets on over their heads it must be some kind of salute to Casper the Friendly Ghost.

Rose:
Ooh, when is that?

Roland:
[as Santa Claus] What do you want for Christmas, little girl?

Sophia:
I wanna stay on your lap 'til New Years!

Rose:
Sophia!

Sophia:
All right, how about a sponge bath with some elves?

Rose:
[singing] Two turtle doves, and a Partridge in a Pear Tree...

Sophia:
OK, OK, I believe you! There is a 48-Day version. Boy, last time I was in a place this cold they were hanging up Jimmy Hoffer by his--[singing] Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, jingle all the way...

Rose:
[to Roland] That's not a very nice Christmas attitude for someone who wants to play Saint Nick. Come on! Let's hear those reindeer names, Buster!

Roland:
Dancer, Prancer, Donner, Blitzen, Freezing, Fricking, Mother-

Rose:
Roland!

Rose:
Don't you take your frustrations out on me, you cheap...scallop!

Blanche:
The word is "trollop," you moron! I am a cheap trollop!

Rose:
[about Miles] I still call him up in the middle of the night to hear the cute things he says. [imitating Miles] "Don't you know what time it is?" "This happens again, I'm calling the police!" "Who the hell is this?" [in normal voice] And then, before I hang up I always say, "You blew it big time, smart boy."

Blanche:
And he doesn't he recognize your voice?

Rose:
No! I talk to him through a kazoo.

Miles:
Look -- Rose, sweetheart...

Rose:
Don't "sweetheart" me! This was supposed to be our day! Our wedding! Our life! Well, you blew it big time, smart boy! [runs off]

Miles:
[realizing] Oh my God, she's the kazoo woman!

[Chuy puts a completely burnt duck on the kitchen table]

Chuy:
Ugh! Chihuahua. Sophia...what does this look like to you?

Sophia:
George Hamilton in five years.

Chuy:
[about burnt duck] Have you ever seen a duck this black and Smoky?

Rose:
I have. Daffy. But only after Bugs Bunny gives him a dynamite cigar. Why doesn't that duck ever learn?

Sophia:
He can't, Rose. He doesn't have a brain. Sound familiar?

Rose:
Oh, I'm the dumb one? You're the one who's overcooked three meals today. In fact, if we had a Stupid Person Race, I think you'd come in first.

Sophia:
I'm sorry. Maybe the oven is broken.

Rose:
Oh! It is! Didn't you get the note I left inside of the oven.

Chuy:
[holding burnt note] And at the wire, it's Rose by a nose.

Blanche:
All right, you little witch, where's the money?

Sophia:
What money? I don't know what you're talking about.

Blanche:
Stop stalling. Don't make me get rough.

Sophia:
I'm not talking, screw. And by the way, that's a nickname, not a suggestion.

Miles:
[as Rose prepares for his wedding] Look, Rose, I know how awkward this has been for you, but you have to believe me, Rose, I had no intention of hurting you.

Rose:
I'm a professional, Miles. I would never let my personal feelings for you keep me from planning the best wedding I can.

Miles:
Well, I'm glad to hear that, Rose. [sees a box full of stones on the table] Hey, what are these stones for?

Rose:
[glaring at him] I thought we'd throw them instead of rice.

Oliver:
I'm a little kid! I was scared! I almost peed!

Sophia:
I'm over 100! I am scared! I am peeing!

Blanche:
I'm going to go slip into something that will make me look my best.

Rose:
May I suggest a time machine?

Policeman:
Um, ma'am, do you know how slow you're going?

Sophia:
Ah, bite me.

Roland:
I don't know much about Blanche's personal life, but so what if she likes to date?

Rose:
I used to think that until this Ernie came along. This is the hump that broke the camel's back.

Roland:
I think that's "the straw that broke the camel's back."

Rose:
Boy, you don't know much about Blanche's personal life, do you?

Sophia:
[referring to Sex Seminar] This sounds awesome. I'm there! I haven't told you but I've been having some problems with my sexual partners lately.

Rose:
Such as?

Sophia:
I don't have any!

Sophia:
[to Rose, Roland, and Chuy] You're just being condescending to an old lady. But I'm a person, damn it! If you prick me do I not bleed?...eventually.

Chuy:
Will you look at all the toilet paper I found in the freezer? How many times do I have to tell Blanche, "Please, don't freeze the Charmin?"

Roland:
Chuy...

Chuy:
I mean who's gonna want to use frozen toilet paper?

Sophia:
[Grabs roll] At my age, any thrill will do.

Blanche:
[referring to Mr. Reynolds] Oh! He said the most upsetting thing to me!

Sophia:
"Don't come back 'til you're wearing underwear?"

Blanche:
Sophia! I always go to meetings with men dressed like this! To me, it's just a great business tool. You know, it gives me a leg up.

Sophia:
Just one?

Rose:
How would you like me to iron those wrinkles out of your face, you little snitch?

Sophia:
Ooh! I'd like that!

Gerald Davenport:
Good evening, my name is... [notices Chuy's name tag] ...Chuy Castillos.

Rose:
Oh my gosh, what a coincidence. Our cook is named Chuy Castillos.

[Roland has just seen his mother kiss Chuy, and he is incredibly angry]

Chuy:
Hey, Rol. What's happening? Wow, that's cool, man. How do you get that big vein in your head to bulge out like that?

Rose:
If Chuy should marry your mom, that would make you...

Roland:
A convicted killer!

Rose:
I don't know anything.

Blanche:
Boy, there's a tattoo for your forehead.

Sophia:
Good news, everybody, I'm back from vacation.

Chuy:
Yeah, that's...

Sophia:
Have no fear, Petrillo is...

Rose:
Good to...

Sophia:
She's tan, she's rested, she's ready to crack wise. Who, you say? "Sophia. That's who!".

Blanche:
Fine.

Sophia:
I thought you said you missed me, what do I have to do to get some attention around here, a cartwheel? [long pause] OK, here goes. But I should warn you, I'm not wearing any underwear.

[Plane flies overhead]

Roland:
[referring to plane] DC-10! Yep...you spend hours on your back, you get to know these things.

Blanche:
[enters with Rose and Chuy; referring to plane] Oh! DC-10! Yep.

Blanche:
[upon seeing her brother] Tad?

Tad:
Blanche!

Blanche:
Why, Tad, what are you doing here?

Tad:
I came here to visit you! You said so much about the hotel, I wanted to see it! [runs over and hugs Blanche]

Blanche:
Well, how did you get here?

Tad:
A nice man drove me in a big yellow car!

Blanche:
A big yellow -- oh, Tad, please tell me you didn't come all the way from Chattanooga in a --

[Tad's taxi driver appears at the door]

Taxi driver:
Hey, someone here owes me $728!

Blanche:
...taxi.

Rose:
Congratulate me, Sophia! I've finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!

Sophia:
Big deal! It took you six months!

Rose:
On the box it said two to four years!

Rose:
[referring to Stan's death] So how are we going to tell Sophia?

Blanche:
We'll break it to her gently, tonight, just before we put her to bed.

Sophia:
Guess who I just ran into!

Rose:
Not Stan, he's dead!

Charlene:
Actually, Grandma, we thought we'd go jet skiing this afternoon.

Rose:
Oh that sounds exciting!

Charlene:
Yeah, tonight we thought we'd, you know, check out some of the clubs!

Rose:
That sounds like fun!

Charlene:
We thought Rick and I could share a room!

Rose:
Sounds like a cold day in Hell.

Bobby Lee:
Blanche, there's something I've been meaning to ask you.

Blanche:
I'm 42 years old.

Bobby Lee:
Yeah, you mentioned that. That means you were born in --

Blanche:
Atlanta.

Rose:
[about Blanche's plans of marriage] Don't you think that ship has sailed?

Sophia:
That ship has sunk!

Rose:
I don't know what to say.

Sophia:
[about Blanche] I do, you're old.

Rose:
Sophia!

Sophia:
What? She's a fossil!

Sylvia:
My husband says that I'm frail, and old, and just asking for trouble.

Roland:
[about Self-Defense course] And what is your specific goal for this course?

Sylvia:
I'd like to put the bastard through a window.