Home Movies, Season 3

[Melissa is in the mall selling items in her Fairy Princess costume.]

McGuirk:
Give me those wings.

Melissa:
No, I'll get in trouble. Coach, please.

McGuirk:
No. Coach wants to fly away.

Melissa:
Coach, are you drunk?

McGuirk:
Yeah, that's why I came to the mall.

{Melissa, Jason and Brendon are in their movies about two mates and a captain on shore leave, with Melissa as the captain}

Melissa:
I gots a better idea what we can do! Let's punch out some scumsuckers, and get drunk, and pee out the window! Then seduce women! Lots of women! Arrgh!

Jason:
What window?

Paula:
And get my wallet and checkbook, they're in the third drawer--

Brendon:
I know where they are mother!

Paula:
Brendon how do you know where my wallet and checkbook are?

Brendon:
...what?

Paula:
How do you know where my wallet and checkbook are?

Brendon:
...Brendon can't come to the uh, hallway, right now...

Paula:
Explanation please!

Brendon:
uhh...you know we really should think about calling the fire department.

Paula:
Well I just off the phone with dad--he's really broken up about this.

Paula's Mother:
Oh please, the only way to break that man's heart would be to whack it with a sledge-hammer... or take away his anti-depressants. Let's get something to eat, I'm starved!

Jason:
Makes me hungry just thinking about all the heat.

Brendon:
MAKES ME HUNGRY HOT!

Jason:
Damn hungry hot.

Brendon:
Damn Chips...

Brendon:
Jason, I'm going to leave you.

Jason:
No. Brenden, no.

Brendon:
We have to leave each other.

Jason:
No, Brenden, we only have each other. And food.

Brendon:
Jason, we have to leave each other. We can't do this anymore.

Jason:
[sighs]

Melissa:
"Jason, aren't you more interested in the history of medieval times? I mean, it really happened."

Jason:
"So did the sci-fi stuff."

Melissa:
"When, in the future?"

Jason:
"No! That's why you don't understand it. It's already happening."

Jason:
Sucks this. Get it? It's backwards for "this sucks."

Melissa:
Do you think I'm a horrible person?

Jason:
No, I think you're very pretty

Melissa:
I don't mean horrible to look at, I mean horrible because you're my sister's fiance and we just had an affair.

Jason:
Oh, then yeah.

McGuirk:
What the hell is wrong with you people. Are you on drugs?

Brendon:
No.

Melissa:
No.

McGuirk:
With all the nicknames. What are those, drug nicknames?

Melissa:
They're band nicknames.

Perry:
Sounds trite.

Walter:
Yeah, it sounds like it's been done before.

Paula:
No, I don't think so...

Walter:
Lame!

Perry:
Double Lame-o!

Walter:
Yeah!

Perry:
Double Lame-O Donkey D*ck!

Walter:
Sucking on the Witch's T*t!

(Walter and Perry embrace and fall down, laughing)

[environmental film]

Melissa:
[as a lumberjack] I'm going to chop you down, tree.

Brendon:
[as a tree] Well, okay, but, um, don't, um, because what about the environment?

Jason:
[as a skunk, moves from behind Brendon] Hello, I'm a skunk.

Brendon:
Hello.

Melissa:
Hello.

Jason:
Hey, um, I mean, don't chop down the forest.

Melissa:
Okay, I won't chop down the forest, just this tree.

Brendon:
But I'm a tree, and I'm a house for birds and chipmunks and cats and dogs. And I can be useful for people, too. I can be made into wood...

Jason:
Oh, man. Chop it down.

Melissa:
I'm with you skunk.

Brendon:
Hey, you guys suck.

Jason:
Lumberjack.

Melissa:
Yep?

Jason:
Pass me that ax.

[chops Brendon down with the ax and falls down]

Brendon:
[bleeding maple syrup] Aaaah! It hurts!

Melissa:
You can't shut this one up.

Jason:
Hope you learned your lesson, tree.

Jason & Melissa:
It's time to pay the price.

[prison film]

Jason:
Well, we've done a lot of bad things, right, guys?

Melissa:
Yes, we have. Yes, we have.

Brendon:
And now we're here in jail.

Melissa:
Yes, we are. We're here being punished.

Jason:
And we hate it. But what can we do? We did wrong.

Brendon:
We can't do anything. Justice has been done. It's time to...[mumbling] pop it pop...

Melissa:
Yeah.

Jason:
You speak the truth, my brother. It is time to...

Melissa:
Time for that.

Jason:
Yes, time to...

Brendon & Melissa:
Pay the...

[all mumbling]

Jason:
What time is it, actually?

Brendon:
It's 2:30.

Jason:
Yeah, I got to go home.

Brendon:
Okay, fade to black. The End. Well, we tried.

Brendan:
(to Melissa) You read a book a month? Man, it would take me like a year to read a book a month.

Coach McGuirk:
(to Brendon) Quarter for the bus, quarter for the bus. The end. Hey Brendon, the end.

Brendon:
I'm leaving. Doctor, I'm sorry you had to see me this way.

Linda:
Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

Brendon:
What?

Linda:
You heard me.

Brendon:
No, I was outside. What?

Coach McGuirk:
Oh my god it's death!

Melissa:
Coach it's me Melissa.

Coach McGuirk:
Oh my god it's Melissa!

Melissa:
This is my costume.

Coach McGuirk:
Hey you know Melissa you shouldn't be walking around the hospital dressed as death.