House, Season 8

Dr. Gregory House:
This another pet? Cause it's going to end badly. Again. Remember we talked about this. At least I talked, and you stared at me eerily. I think it was eerily. "Eerily" felt like the best-case scenario.

Mendelson:
Why you keep helping him out?

House:
Yeah, why would I wanna make sure that my homicidal cellmate is taking the right anti-psychotics?

Dr. Jessica Adams:
I checked your file. You didn't have a bad lawyer. You had no lawyer. You took the first deal they offered because you wanted to punish yourself. You think getting beat up, saving this one guy is going to wipe your slate clean?

House:
No.

Adams:
Then why are you doing this?

House:
Because I have a gift.

House:
That look of shock is elitist and offensive. Doctors can be degenerates too. This is America.

House:
Before I went to Med School. Thought about getting a PHD in Physics. You ever hear of dark matter? The galaxies rotate. Motion of the universe. It means there's six times more stuff than we can detect. But it's theorized. No one's ever proved it exists.

Adams:
So uh, so you want to research it? Why?

House:
It's the greatest mystery there is. Theory of everything.

Adams:
And completely divorced from humanity.

House:
Me and humanity, we got married too young.

House:
Nice painting. Blues and greens. Calming, but with a hint of nurturing. Totally offsets the stench of suffering and death. Where's my patient? We need to not talk.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Get this straight. You break the law, you go back to jail. Scam extra Vicodin, back to jail. Flout my authority, make the hospital look bad, back to jail. I own you.

House:
Yassa, massa.

Foreman:
See, that would be an example.

House:
Okay, I'll go first. My boss dumped me, and yours what? Called you his china doll? Joked about what a crappy deal you got for Manhattan? Assumed that you had a huge penis? I have no idea what flavor you are, so I thought I'd just cover the spread.

Dr. Chi Park:
My mom's Filipino, dad's Korean, and my boss grabbed my behind.

House:
Behind what? Oh, yeah, your... grabbed your tushy.

Mr. Weathers:
I told you, my son didn't do cocaine.

House:
Druggies are not known for their honesty. Trust me on this one. [pops Vicodin]

House:
But just do whatever you have to do to get over this. Punch me in the face, kick me in the nuts. Either or. Both seems excessive.

Adams:
You said we were meeting for coffee.

House:
Well, when someone asks you if you want coffee, they obviously don't just mean coffee. Wait, did you think I was referring to sex? [to Park] Would you shut the blinds on the way out?

House:
In the meantime, there's no way a do-gooder like you isn't volunteering all over town. Ladling kittens, spaying soup.

Adams:
There is a free clinic in Trenton.

House:
Well, think of it as today's free clinic, only with fewer bums with herpes.

Foreman:
House, I worked for you for 7 years. I know how you operate. So when I see symptoms magically show up right when you need them...

House:
And I was your boss for 7 years, and I know what a suspicious, micromanaging hardass you are.

House:
I'm not joking. You're fired. Don't come in tomorrow.

Dr. Remy "Thirteen" Hadley:
House...

House:
I can work with people who've got nowhere else to go. People who've got something to prove. People who just get off on weird cases. but I can't work with someone who is here so she doesn't have to feel bad.

Thirteen:
You're trying to save me.

House:
Yes. I think that little of you and that much of me.

Park:
You do know I punched the last person that pissed me off?

Adams:
[while rolling her eyes and walking away] Was it Santa?

Park:
Dr. Wilson, I need your advice. Um, I bet House $100 that I wouldn't get fired after my disciplinary hearing. Ever since then he's been acting like he's actually trying to get me fired.

Dr. James Wilson:
That's because he is actually trying to get you fired.

Park:
Does he hate me?

Wilson:
I'm not sure that's relevant to the equation.

Park:
So it's really over $100.

Wilson:
I'm not sure the amount is relevant. He's fighting for his honor.

Park:
He'll ruin my career!

Wilson:
I'm not sure that's...

Park:
What if I bet him $200 I WILL get fired?

Wilson:
He sees competing bets from the same person a disgrace to the game. He'll be even more motivated to beat you.

Park:
If you were me, what would you do?

Wilson:
You have to give him something he values more than honor. And you should update your resume.

House:
Loyalty to real estate is stupid, because loyalty is stupid.

Park:
First patriotism, now loyalty. You hate ice cream, too?

House:
French vanilla. To willfully identify yourself as something is a perversion of self-expression.

Adams:
I could do $5,000.

House:
Really? No backsies?

Adams:
If.... you double your clinic hours. 6 a week. I've seen how you disrespect those patients.

House:
So you want twice as many of them disrespected?

Adams:
Spend more hours with them, you'll treat them more humanely.

House:
And this time a land war in Russia will be a good idea.

Adams:
Thad Barton? We only help rich white guys?

House:
I am an equal opportunity exploiter. I only help those who can help myself.

House:
I claim this burger in the name of Queen Isabella of Spain.

Adams:
I'll go check on the patient. [she gets up and House is about to bite down on her burger] I have hepatitis C.

Park:
[as House is about to bite down on her burger instead] She got it from me.

Foreman:
As the new Dean of Medicine, I'd like to personally welcome our new employees, and ask why the Hell did you want to come back?

Dr. Robert Chase:
Tired of surfing.

Foreman:
He hasn't changed.

Chase:
And neither has the job, right? We still get to do crazy crap.

Dr. Chris Taub:
Save people's lives instead of just their noses.

Park:
But it could end up causing another cardiac arrest.

House:
Hopefully, and we'll know what set it off.

Chase:
What he means is, it's better to do it here where we can revive him than have it happen somewhere else.

House:
The prodigal son has returned. [hugs Chase]

Chase:
If people told nothing but the truth, the world would probably burn down overnight.

Adams:
Some people think it's burning now. Maybe if everybody didn't lie...

House:
Aw, that is cute. I'm talking about your breasts. They always get perky when you're being painfully earnest. Truth. It's uncomfortable, isn't it? More truth... I only noticed because Chase was staring at them. He'd never admit it, because he doesn't want to offend you. Same reason he'd never tell you that he's thought about having sex with you. Although, to be fair, every man you've ever met has thought about having sex with you. They'll lie, because if you knew, you probably wouldn't want to have sex with them. And that's just some of the lies from the last minute. And here's a bigger one: you already know this, but you pretend you don't because it makes you feel civilized. Most people find it easier to ignore the truth.

Park:
I'm sorry. I thought I was here to treat the patients, not entertain you.

House:
Would it hurt to do both?

Foreman:
What's House up to? He hasn't asked me for anything. He's been incredibly well behaved. He's doing his clinic hours.

Wilson:
That is a sign of concern.

House:
Following your heart is easy. Following your brain is tough. Especially after years of following that much smaller third organ. That's why all parents screw up all children.

House:
Screwed up is your best case. Bouncing between a philandering workaholic dad and an embittered, sexually betrayed mom, it's gonna lead to screwed-up squared.

Monroe:
I need insulin. I know it.

House:
Much as I'd like to kill you by dangerously lowering your blood sugar, murder violates my parole.

Monroe:
[pointing to the printout of his test results] That bloodwork is week's old. Test me again.

House:
I am the test. The test is negative. The test also thinks you're a giant pain in the ass. That last insult was your cue to leave.

Chase:
You know how I got interested in medicine? When my mother drank, she couldn't handle me, so she locked me in my father's study. Only so many hours you can cry and bang on the door before you give up, find something to read. We all have family dysfunction. That's why we're successful. To fill that hole.

Chase:
[to Adams] You claim you're not screwed up. You may even believe it. But House doesn't and I don't, so you can wait till he camps out on your parents' lawn or you can admit you don't live on some higher plane and thank me later.

House:
You're right.

Wilson:
You don't even know what I said.

House:
That is ridiculous. Blah blah blah blah blah deaf ears. Blah blah blah blah blah blah. Absolutely essential information.

Foreman:
Which means it's too late for me to back down. It's no longer my choice. It's just me - telling me he can get away with anything... I have to send him to prison.

Wilson:
Your job is to keep this machine running. It's your choice to make House a useful tool or a monkey wrench. Cuddy's way didn't fail because she didn't try to control House, she managed him. She knew better than anybody what a tool he could be.

Foreman:
14 year old girl - intermittent attacks.

House:
4 year old boy - consistently at death's door.

[Foreman starts to walk away]

Adams:
This patient died 5 years ago.

[Foreman returns and puts the file on House's desk]

House:
I didn't say which side of the door he was on.

House:
I need to DDX a patient with you.

Wilson:
I thought you had a team for that.

House:
According to Foreman, they're only for DDXing people who are still alive.

Wilson:
...You have a dead patient?

House:
Bigotry is boring when we add modifiers. I don't see creed, color, pulse.

Wilson:
You're an addict. And I'm an idiot for thinking your addictions were limited to pills, anti-social behavior and sarcasm.

House:
[belches] Sorry Vicodin repeating on me.

Wilson:
You're also addicted to puzzles. You show all the classic behaviors: lying, neglecting responsibilities, and you can't stop - no matter how devastating the consequences.

Adams:
Am I weird?

Chase:
Yeah, but you're hot so it's easier to put up with.

Taub:
If anarchy breaks out, I plan to do what my ancestors have done throughout the ages: run.

Chase:
He's not in prison; It's kinda hard to gas a guy unless you can seal him in a room first.

House:
Which is why Arceus created the universe with three states of matter, and three hundred solid and liquid poisons that could cause these symptoms.

Taub:
Arceus?

House:
[takes a sip of tea] Look it up.

Taub:
Impressive.

House:
The wiliness with which Foreman ruled out anxiety or his complete wiliness-less-ness before he met me?

Taub:
The fact that you managed to smear jelly on almost every page.

Adams:
Wait, why would you think his wife poisoned him?

House:
Because dangerous people don't break into your home, they live in it. And although his kids are old enough to want Daddy dead, they're still too young to do anything about it.

Taub:
Must be such a pleasure to live in your head.

House:
You're right. Kids might be precocious.

Chase:
Taub's daughter is sick.

House:
Isn't that the point of having a spare?

House:
With great power comes great micromanaging.

Adams:
Sex releases oxytocin. It's the neurochemical basis for bonding.

House:
And that's why men always marry their right hands.

Adams:
It's different for girls.

Park:
No it's not. I've tapped over 30 guys and never wanted to see most of them again. [everyone stares] I live next to a Jewish frat.

House:
We are veering wildly off track. Please continue.

Wilson:
Two people are happy, and your natural impulse is to destroy it.

House:
How do you know she's happy? Did she tell you?

Wilson:
No, chirping birds flew out of her butt carrying a banner.

House:
Better to have schtupped and lost then never to have schtupped at all.

House:
How I miss the sweet smell of stickin' it to the man.

Wilson:
Adams is right. You're protecting this girl.

House:
No, I was wrong. It's the stench of moralizing.

Ellen:
You must be Dr. House.

House:
I save my appearances for when parents are on the brink of doing something incredibly stupid.

House:
As much as I'd like to take your word for it, I have no interest in taking your word for it.

House:
I'd turn around and shoot you, but apparently I'd miss.

Adams:
Do you think people can change?

Chase:
No. But I don't think that's gonna change your opinion, because... people don't change.

Walter Cofield:
Let the record show that we are officially convening a disciplinary hearing regarding the events of February 3, 2012 in patient room 209. Dr. House, this recording will be transcribed and published along with all supporting documentation and rulings. Do you have any questions before we get started?

House:
Yeah. Who the hell are you?

Cofield:
I'm Walter Cofield, Chief of Neurology, Mercy Hospital. I'll be deciding your fate today.

Cofield:
What are you doing?

House:
Taking my Vic-amins.

House:
Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym. Those who can't move their arms or legs teach us to laugh at others.

Foreman:
House… is brilliant. I give him the benefit of the doubt most of the time because I've seen what he can do.

Cofield:
Getting House out of prison is the biggest decision you've made as Dean of Medicine, right? And if he's suspended as a result of this hearing, he violates his parole and he goes back. And that probably leaves you as former Dean of Medicine.

Foreman:
I suppose so.

Cofield:
You didn't choose me to oversee this because you thought I could be objective. You chose me because you thought I'd have your back and I'd think twice about making a decision that would get you fired. Eric. I'm sorry. But if your get-House-out-of-jail-free experiment blows up in your face, it's not my job to get you out of it.

Cofield:
[to Chase] You brazenly defied your boss. Now that happened either because Dr. House has established that that's okay in his world, or his prank war distracted you, or House makes medicine a game, and you just wanted to beat him. Whatever the reason, it boils down to the fact that you may never walk again because House created an atmosphere that promotes recklessness.

House:
If she likes crippled guys, I'm free for the next six minutes.

Adams:
Three weeks ago, you never would have slept with a patient. And you never would have operated on her after. You need help.

Chase:
I need to get away from House and everything that reminds me of him.

Adams:
By breaking the rules, not caring what anyone else thinks. You're gonna get away from him by turning into him?

House:
Plaques... can be mistaken for nodules... which means...

Chase:
Syphilis.

House:
Explains the shoulder and foot involvement. Hope you practiced immaculate contraception.

Chase:
She's throwing her life away based on blind faith!

House:
So are you! She's found something she wants to build her life around. It's a total illusion, but apparently, she'll take a little ignorance with her bliss. You want to take that away.

Chase:
How many times have you thrown the truth in people's faces?

House:
Because it's the truth, not because we're gonna live happily ever after! Either your relationship just blows up, like every other non-magical romance, or she stays with you but blames you for stripping all the meaning out of her life.

Chase:
This has nothing to do with the truth. You don't like that I'm reassessing my life. That I want to change it. That I can.

House:
Anyone can screw up a life. I never said that wasn't possible.

Chase:
You're incapable of human connection, so you want everyone to be like you.

House:
[shouting] If I wanted you to be like me... [calmer] I would be urging you to make a stupid, stubborn decision that blows up your life and leaves you lonely and miserable. You reassess your life when you make mistakes. You didn't. You just got stabbed.

House:
Now, I am hereby searching for a number two. So I'm eating a lot of bran. Also, I want a team leader.

House:
I'm guessing that your testosterone level is just below "Bieber."

Taub:
If low testosterone means I can't get sick with something else, punch me in the junk right now.

House:
I would, if it weren't redundant.

Park:
So, nobody cares about the position until I apply, and suddenly it's the last limited-edition lightsaber at ComiCon?

Taub:
House is a dictator. Second in command is a meaningless position.

Park:
82 pounds. [Everyone stares] How much weight I put on when my break ended the same way. People were calling me "Park-ing Lot."

Thomas:
Practically walked in on us having sex. God, if I saw my mother doing that I'd claw my own eyes out. Of course, she was nowhere near as attractive as you. Horribly fat, as a matter of fact.

House:
How long are you going to wait until you tell me?

Wilson:
I thought we already had the Santa Claus talk.

Park:
[to Will, the patient] I'm Dr. Park, by the way. I'm 5'2", Asian, and I'm totally cool with it if you want to feel my face.

Melissa:
Blind people only do that in movies.

Will:
But you sound nice, so if you want me to...

Adams:
We see people with disabilities all the time, but seeing and understanding are not the same.

Chase:
Are you talking to me, or writing a Facebook post?

House:
What's the opposite of "thank you"? I'm pretty sure it ends in "you."

Wilson:
House?

House:
Shhhh. I'm with a patient.

[Wilson turns on the lights to see the patient House is with passed out]

House:
Sleep study.

Wilson:
You drugged him?

House:
I didn't say the study was voluntary.

Brant:
Who are you?

House:
Well, considering the only people allowed in this room are your doctors and your family... I'm your long-lost cousin Ralph. So glad to finally meet you.

Wilson:
I've been avoiding you because you're an ass.

House:
I've been an ass my whole life. I can't get rid of you.

Wilson:
You can get rid me of now. Just turn and limp away.

House:
Huh. Your whiny righteousness has the stench of sincerity.

Adams:
You want to reject our current diagnosis because he... he had a few grey hairs, panicked and shaved his head?

House:
I'm gonna reject your current diagnosis because I think we're wrong and treating for wrong diagnoses can result in side effects like death.

Taub:
I've known a lot of bullies. People who didn't like me because I'm short. People who didn't like me because I'm Jewish.

House:
I get it. There's a long list of reasons not to like you.

House:
Every little girl wants a pony till they have to clean up after it.

Wilson:
You think I'm going to quit on this? On an 11-year-old?

House:
The only relationship you haven't quit on has been me.

Wilson:
Hmm. A needy, truculent narcissist. I think it's been perfect training for parenthood.

House:
The sound of a needy child is stirring your paternal juices.

Wilson:
The sound of a needy child at 112 decibels has stirred my inner murderer. Don't mess with me.

Adams:
Aside from the crying, he's actually recovering nicely.

Taub:
Aside from the guy in the book depository, the Kennedys had a lovely trip to Dallas.

Chase:
Fighting's the best part of hockey. Without it you'd have the ice capades.

Taub:
Fighting has nothing to do with hockey. It's like the cheerleaders at a basketball game.

Chase:
Cheerleading's the best part of basketball. Without it, you've got... basketball.

House:
Sex? At work? I'm not a savage.

House:
Sex is a given. They're hookers. To get the gig, a call girl - sorry, 'call woman' - needs a combination of skills that I find useful/entertaining for the remaining 57 minutes of the hour I paid for.

House:
Mazal tov, Great relationships often start with snap decisions aimed at proving me wrong.

House:
So let me get this straight, I'm being dumped by a hooker who's worried about my feelings?

Park:
Have you ever paid for sex?

Taub:
Every guy who has ever seen a Merchant-Ivory movie has paid for sex

House:
Tell the parents to lay off the grades. The world needs fry cooks, too.

House:
SUNDS, Sudden Unexpected Nocturnal Death Syndrome. AKA, BS name for 'no one's figured out why they died.' Over 100 in the early '80s. Only male. Only Hmong. Healthy, right up until the moment they died in their sleep.

Dominika:
How can you believe in dark matters but not in dark spirits? Is the idea of demon so different than the Higgs boson? We can't see it, but we can see the impact of its presence. I borrowed your physics book. I read while in bathroom.

House:
We can also act like walls don't mean anything. But then we'd hurt our noses.

Wilson:
It looks like my watch has stopped. It seems never has arrived.

House:
We don't have to have sex. Sometimes it's nice just to cuddle and talk. Me first. You don't want a second opinion. You're already on your fifth. You got Evans at Mercy, Shaw at County, Foster at Johns Hopkins. And every one of them has given you the same advice. You're nuts. You don't just want chemo. You want a dose so high, there's a one-in-three chance it'll kill you outright. Question is, why didn't you tell me? Because you knew I'd stop you. Which means you've already found someone insane enough or desperate enough to give you what amounts to a death dose of chemicals. But who would be that stupid? I'm thinking that the who, is you. Where exactly were you planning on killing yourself? 'Cause I don't think Foreman is gonna let you do it here.

House:
Statistically, this treatment has about the same chance of killing you as the thymoma does. But a hell of a lot faster.

Wilson:
[Picks up a small maze puzzle off his desk] Nancy Wells, cervical cancer, 70% survival rate. Died November 6, 1998; 64 years old. [Puts the puzzle down and picks up a small wooden carving of a bird] Bernie Jones, melanoma, 89% survival rate. October 10, 1999. He was 52. [Puts the bird back and picks up a deep sea diver from a collection of toys on a counter behind his desk] John Taylor. Thyroid. 96% survival rate. I promised him he'd be fine. [Putting down the toy] Eight years old. I am not going to die slowly in a hospital bed under fluorescent lighting with people stopping by to gawk and lie about how I look. Even a small chance of that happening is too big a chance for me.

House:
You're an idiot. And the odds say you're gonna die. We'll do it at my place.

Wilson:
If things go wrong, I just want you to know...

House:
If you're going to say that you've always been secretly gay for me, everyone always just kind of assumed it.

Wilson:
It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. An oncologist with cancer. Of all the things that could be killing me...It's like the universe is giving me the big middle finger.

House:
The universe doesn't care--

Wilson:
Why me? I'm always telling my patients not to torture themselves, because there's no answer.

House:
Sound advice.

Wilson:
It's cruel advice. They were just trying to make sense of what was happening to them, and I'm there telling them not to bother? I should have spent my life being more like you. Should have been a manipulative, self-centered, narcissistic ass who brought misery to everything and everyone in his life.

House:
You'd still have cancer.

Wilson:
Yeah! But at least I'd feel like I deserved it.

House:
Okay, your heart rate's up, BP's tanking. White blood count's at 500. We have to go to the hospital now.

Wilson:
No.

House:
I don't have the equipment or the meds to handle this.

Wilson:
No. Win or lose. Win or lose. That was the deal.

House:
That was the deal when there was an "or". You can't win this.

Wilson:
No. No. I'd rather die here. [crying] Not in an ambulance. Not in a hospital. Please, you can't do that to me. I can't — House… Please. Promise me that you won't do that to me. Promise me.

House:
Okay, I promise.

House:
People don't change. You are a person. Ergo...

Taub:
You want to lie to a guy who's favorite pastime is getting doctors fired?

Chase:
We did everything House would've done if he'd been here.

Foreman:
You lied to a patient.

[Chase gives an affirmative shrug]

Wilson:
I want a threesome.

House:
Shouldn't we try a twosome first?

House:
It's been fun

Chase:
Fun?

House:
Sounded pithier than, 'We've shared a variety of situations'.

House:
[On the phone to Wilson's mother] Hi, this is Greg House. Again. Third message. Hopefully indicating how much I want you to call me back. I'd say that your son is dying to increase the urgency, but you probably already know that.

House:
Life is pain! I wake up every morning, I'm in pain! I go to work, I'm in pain! You know how many times I just want to give up? How many times I thought of ending it?

Wilson:
He's not my child. I cannot be responsible for the happiness of Gregory House.

Foreman:
You are responsible. The past 20 years, you've had three wives, hundreds of colleagues, thousands of patients. But you've kept that one best friend.

Foreman:
Chemo won't make your life any better, but caring will. Enduring pain to do some good for someone you care about - isn't that what life is?

House:
You're the only one I listen to. The last couple of days I didn't, and I almost killed my patient. I think it's time for you to accept that you're just smarter than I am.

Kutner (hallucination):
Don't bother. He's dead.

House:
You're dead, too.

Kutner:
The fire isn't.

Taub:
How are you possibly in a good mood?

House:
Did you never see Dead Poets Society? Carpe diem!

House:
Is this Hell, an eternity of everyone I know trying to convince me to live?

Cameron (hallucination):
Who says I'm here to convince you to live?

Wilson:
He was my friend. The thing you have to remember, the thing you can’t forget, is that Gregory House saved lives. He was a healer, and, and in the end...

House was an ass. He mocked anyone - patients, co-workers, his dwindling friends, anyone who didn’t measure up to his insane ideals of integrity. He claimed to be on some heroic quest for truth, but the truth is he was a bitter jerk who liked making people miserable, and he proved that by dying selfishly numbed by narcotics without a thought of anyone. A betrayal [phone rings] of everyone who cared about him. [Phone rings] Phone! A million times he needed me, and the one time that I needed him [phone rings] OH COME ON! This is a funeral! Just, get it! [Phone rings, phone rings]. Heh, heh, heh, well, this is embarrassing. I'd sworn I'd turned this off … this isn't my phone.

Text message:
SHUT UP YOU IDIOT

[The series' last lines]

Wilson:
When the cancer starts getting really bad —

House:
Cancer's boring.