It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 8

Mac:
[wearing goggles] Now I can determine a subject's threat level without him being able to feel my retinal assessment.

Charlie:
Which is a great advantage because the guy can't see how scared Mac is.

Mac:
Yes, and- No, that's not what it's about.

Charlie:
Oh, I thought you were scared every time...

Mac:
That's classified!

Dennis:
Guys, we're forsaking the group dynamic, okay? And truthfully, Charlie, come on. I mean, nobody wants a wild card, okay? It doesn't make any sense. We don't want a maniac in our group. There's no benefit to it.

Charlie:
Mm-hmm.

Dennis:
Uh, I feel like you just agreed with me but you weren't listening to what I was saying.

Charlie:
Yes... [points to Mac and Dennis]

Mac:
You pointed at me like I said something but I didn't.

Charlie:
Oh, good.

Mac:
Charlie, having someone making wild decisions that make no sense, that benefits nobody.

Charlie:
Oh, yes. Right, yes.

Dennis:
Is he... listen to us? I can't tell-

Mac:
He- He's listening. He's not understanding.

Charlie:
Yeah, he doesn't even, like, get us, man. It's...

Dennis:
We're talking about you!

Charlie:
Ah...

Dennis:
Okay, let's move on from thi-

Mac:
What do you think is happening right now?!

Charlie:
...It's good.

(all the wedding guests are acting like zombies after drinking milk laced with bath salts)

Charlie:
Okay, it's time to get out of here. I mean, look at that guy!

Pappy McPoyle:
ALL THE MCPOYLES, SPRUNG FROM MY LOINS! FULLY FORMED! ONE OF THEM BABIES... TRIED TO EAT ME! I ATE HIM FIRST! (sobs) I ate him first!

Mac:
[obviously weirded out by the elder McPoyle's actions] Okay, I'm with Charlie. I'm leaving.

Dennis:
Wait. You guys are just gonna leave? You're just gonna go?

Mac:
Yeah. We're out.

Therapist:
You seem very on edge.

Mac:
Yeah, you're goddamn right I'm on edge! I hosted the shit out of that party, and that's just not "setting the table", okay? I made a playlist, I thought of cool shit to talk about, I provided security, I kept everybody safe! Safe! (sadly) Y'know, sometimes I feel like... I feel like they don't even understand me, and we're not even that good of friends. (pause) AAAAH BULLSHIT, THAT'S BULLSHIT! We're, like, the best friends in the whole goddamn world! Goddamn them for making me think otherwise! (maniacally laughs)

Therapist:
Are you okay?

Mac:
Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah. I was just thinking of something that Charlie said that was really funny.

Therapist:
Mac, let me ask you a question.

Mac:
Yeah?

Therapist:
Do you often feel... strong emotion, felt in quick succession?

Mac:
Oh yeah, and not just my emotions. I have had a slight... fluctuation with my weight recently.

Therapist:
I see. And how much weight are we talking about?

Mac:
I gained and lost sixty pounds in three months.

Therapist:
...Wow, that's almost impossible.

Mac:
Well, first of all, through God, all things are possible, so jot that down. And yeah, yeah, I had a difficult time there: I had to buy all-new clothes, and people used to cross the street when I would walk by. They'd be like, "Whoa, look at that monster coming towards us, y'know, barreling towards us."

Mac:
Guys, why are you dressed like that?

Frank:
Some scumbag company's trying to take over the business that I founded, and I'm not gonna stand for that.

Charlie:
No, we're not gonna stand for that. Frank's taking me under his wing, he's gonna teach me how to swim with the sharks.

Dennis:
Charlie can't read.

Frank:
...He'll adapt!

Dennis:
H-He'll adapt to reading?

Asian Boy:
Oh, hey, you must be Mr. LeFeve?

Dennis:
Uh, yeah, that's me.

Asian Boy:
Surprise. I'm all yours. I was told there'd just be one, but I can take both of you. Might get a little sore, but I'll manage.

Mac:
Okay, well, I'm out of here.

Dennis:
Okay. Wait. What? Hey, hey, where you going?

Mac:
LeFeve's into banging little Asian boys, so we're done, right?

Dennis:
If we're gonna do this thing, we need to see things through.

Mac:
Dennis, are you gonna have sex with a tiny Asian boy?

Dennis:
I'm gonna see how far I can go.

Shareholder:
Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. If Brian LeFeve is dead... then who the hell are these people?

Dennis:
Just a couple of people who totally got off, bro.

Dee:
What? You did? Are you serious? Just... during this?

Dennis:
Big time, yeah. Oh, yeah, I got off a couple times when we were watching the video presentation. Then when he called me out for not being Brian LeFeve? Whoo, that got me big time. Oh, man, did I get off. Yeah, and then he showed the finger. That was the big one.

Dee:
A dead finger got you off?

Dennis:
That was the climax, really.

Dee:
I am so confused.

Dennis:
Oh, my God, it was amazing. It was mostly sexual.

Dennis:
[trying to do a British accent... and failing miserably] STORP, CHORLEH! Dis gayme has gawn on lawng enouf. [he finally realized how bad it sounds and snaps out of it] Shit.

Mac:
...Are you doing an accent?

Dennis:
Yeah, it was a British accent.

Mac:
That was British?!

[Witness for the Persecution:
Frank Reynolds]

Charlie:
Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished collies, my client Frank here isn't really on trial today, you know. Common sense is on trial... and well, common sense would tell you that eatin' a bowl of cereal while operating a car is- well, it's reckless. It's moronic. One might even call it... donkey-brained.

Dennis:
"Donkey-brained"?

Charlie:
It- it means to have the brains of a donkey or a donkey-type creature-

Dennis:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think I know what it means, guy. But if anything, it's not donkey-brained to drive around with a bowl of cereal, it's donkey-brained to drive around without the use of your vision.

Charlie:
Oh, that's- that's interesting. So you do admit that someone who makes foolish decisions could be considered donkey-brained?

Dennis:
Uh- yeah, okay. Sure. Fine.

Charlie:
I'll take it! Now, Frank, if I'm correct, when you were a boy you were admitted into a... mental institution, is that correct?

Frank:
That's correct. But soon after, it was discovered that I wasn't mentally disabled, so they let me go... and they let me go with the proper paperwork, clearing me of everything.

Charlie:
I would like to add into evidence Article 1. Uh, Mac, will you please read this document?

Mac:
Mhm. "By the power of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, Reid Mental Institution hereby decrees Frank Reynolds to not have... donkey brains". [shows everyone the certificate]

Dee:
What?

Dennis:
What is that?

Dee:
That is an official document that says "donkey brain" on it?

Charlie:
Well, it's written right here in plain English! Frank, would you like to clear this up for everybody?

Frank:
Well... all the kids in the neighborhood knew I got sent upstate, so they started calling me Frankie Donkey-Brains, and it was very traumatic. So I got my mommy to drive me back up to the loony bin, where they signed this official certificate exonerating me of all donkey brains.

Dennis:
Yeah, great- what does this have to do with anything?

Charlie:
Oh, well, Dennis, if by your own admission someone who has donkey brains could be considered reckless or moronic or idiotic, and my client Frank here has a state-issued certificate clearing him of having said donkey brains, then I ask you this: do... you have any such certificate?

Dennis:
...What?

Charlie:
Well, we don't want a donkey on the road eating cereal! We know Frank's not a donkey! How do we know you're not a donkey-brained man?

Dennis:
Why would I have a certificate-

Charlie:
You don't have a certificate?

Dennis:
No, no, no, the burden of proof is not on me.

Mac:
The defendant will answer the question!

Dennis:
The defendant-? I'm not the defendant!

Charlie:
Just answer the question.

Dennis:
...No.

Charlie:
No further questions! [everyone except Dennis puts their gavels on the Trial Meter to Frank's side]

Dennis:
You gotta be kidding me- because of that?!

Mac:
You don't have a certificate. I mean, y'know, what else are we supposed to... you may have donkey brains, I don't know.

Dennis:
No one can prove they're not donkey-brained except for him!

Dee:
I just- I wish you had a certificate.

Mac:
Just give me 15 minutes. I'm finished, guys!

Dennis:
Jesus Christ.

Mac:
I'm finished. Now, this is all about making myself credible in your eyes again, and I'm gonna do that by admitting that evolution... is a lie!

Frank:
God damn you, Mac!

Dennis:
Yes, please do, Mac.

Mac:
Now, as you can see, this is the Evolution Meter. And I've put God, the creator of everything, on the right side. And evolution... on the left. I went ahead and put you guys all on the fence, 'cause of course you're gonna..

Dennis:
Actually, no. Let's start where I would start.

Mac:
No matter. I'm righteous. I'm not gonna stand here, present some egghead scientific argument based on fact. I'm just a regular dude. I like to drink beer. You know, I love my family. Rock, flag, and eagle, right, Charlie?

Charlie:
He's got a point.

Dennis:
No, he doesn't.

Mac:
What? See, Charlie? These liberals are trying to assassinate my character. And I can't change their mind. I won't change my mind, 'cause I don't have to. 'Cause I'm an American. I won't change my mind on anything, regardless of the facts that are set out before me. I'm dug in, and I'll never change.

Dennis:
Mac, look. You're wasting our time. You're not gonna get us to not believe in evolution.

Mac:
And why is that?

Dennis:
Because the smartest scientists in the entire world all agree that it's real.

Mac:
I'm glad you brought that up, because, Mr. Reynolds, science... is a liar sometimes.[Bell rings and mac unveils another poster board] This... is Aristotle. Thought to be the smartest man on the planet. He believed that the Earth was the center of the universe, and everybody believed him, because he was so smart. Until another smartest guy came around, Galileo, and he disproved that theory, making Aristotle and everybody else on Earth look like a... bitch. [Bell rings] 'Course, Galileo then thought comets were an optical illusion, and there was no way that the moon could cause the ocean's tides. Everybody believed that because he was so smart. He was also wrong, making him and everyone else on Earth look like a bitch again! And then, best of all... Sir Isaac Newton gets born, and blows everybody's nips off with his big brains. 'Course, he also thought he could turn metal into gold, and died eating mercury, making him yet another stupid... bitch! Are you seeing a pattern?

Dennis:
No.

Mac:
Mr. Reynolds, these were all the smartest scientists on the planet. Only problem is, they kept being wrong. Sometimes.

Dennis:
This is insane, you fool.

Mac:
I'm a fool because I have more faith in the saints that wrote the Bible?

Dennis:
Yeah, because you just read the words of a bunch of guys that you never met, and you just take it on faith that everything they wrote was true.

Mac:
Hm. And what makes you think what your scientists are writing is any more truer than my saints?

Dennis:
Because there are volumes of proven data. Numbers. You know, figures. Th-There are fossil records.

Mac:
Oh, fossil records. Ah! I didn't even think about the fossil records. I guess I'll concede. Oh, wait, uh, one more thing before I do, Mr. Reynolds. Have you seen these fossil records?

Dennis:
Have I... huh?

Mac:
Have you pored through the data yourself? The numbers? The figures?

Dennis:
Well, no. I'm-- no.

Mac:
Oh. Interesting. So let me get this straight, Mr. Reynolds. You get your information from a book written by men you've never met. And you take their words as truth, based on a willingness to believe, a desire to accept, a leap of... of, dare I say it? Faith? [Bell rings]

Dennis:
Come on, come on. Look, I mean-- I don't even know how I'm supposed to respond to that. [Bell rings] Like... oh, come on. That is a... that's a false equivalency. [Bell rings]

Mac:
Just answer the question, Mr. Reynolds.

Dennis:
[Defeated] Sure. Yeah, okay.

Mac:
I rest my case.