My Family, Series 2 (2001)

Susan:
She'll grow out of it.

Ben:
I should hope so.

Susan:
I did.

Ben:
I should bloody hope so.

Nick:
Here we have a typical English home, the family seat of the Harper dynasty. And here we have a typical English man. Hey, Dad! As you can see he's taken the day off to slob around in his dressing gown. There's the telly and there's his banana sandwich. Some of you may be interested to know that he's just had a big falling out with his daughter, after he called her a prostitute.

Ben:
Well, at least that proves there is a God...and He hates me!

Patient:
We're all ready for our little bundle of joy!

Ben:
Bundle of joy. You two haven't a clue what you're talking about, have you?

Susan Harper:
For little girls get bigger every day...

Ben Harper:
Grow up then.

Ben:
(To Susan) Come on, don't fight it. This could be your only chance to find out what your kids get up to when you're not there. What's the harm in one little look? You know you want to...

Nick:
I was expecting someone else.

Ben:
So was I, but your mother swears you're ours.

Ben:
I mean, if I popped my clogs, would you replace me with a pet?

Susan:
No pet could replace you. Except perhaps a bad-tempered ferret.

Ben:
What a splendid family. I've got a daughter who thinks I'm a joke, a son who thinks I'm demented, a wife who doesn't support me and a...(looks at Nick) pillock.

Nick:
Look on the bright side, Dad. At least it took your mind off Mr Casey.

Ben:
Oh, yes. Mr Casey! Mr Casey! (exit)

Susan:
(looks at Nick) You pillock!

Nick:
Dad, have you seen the car keys lately?

Ben:
No.

Nick:
(holds up the keys and jingles them in his face) Well, take a good look. I won't be back till late!

Ben:
Don't even bother to try and make love to me tonight!

Ben:
...You're not gonna bother, are you?

Susan:
Don't eat that! You'll ruin your dinner.

Ben:
I thought that was your job.

Susan:
No, my job is to ruin your life.

Michael:
I went to see her last time she was dying.

Nick:
I'll go next time.

Janey:
And what happens if she really is dying?

Nick:
(grins) Then I win!

Susan:
The motto on your family crest should read: "Mediocrity or Death".

Ben:
Well, it's better than "For a Good Time, Call"!

Ben:
Coffee. To make you feel at home, Scott, yours has been stewed, reheated and served in a plastic cup.

Scott:
No coffee for me. I feel sick. Your wife has triggered my acid reflux.

Ben:
I know, I know. Isn't she marvellous?

Reverend:
You can't argue someone to death.

Susan:
Yes you can.

Reverend:
No you can't.

Susan:
Well, that's your opinion.

Reverend:
Yes it is.

Susan:
Well you're wrong.

Reverend:
(exhausted) In God's eyes, you're not guilty.

Susan:
Oh, what does He know?

Nick:
I get to set my own hours, get to work from home, and talk about job satisfaction!

Susan:
What exactly is this new job?

Nick:
Sperm donor.