Andromeda, Second Season

Rommie:
I deployed Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum.

Dylan:
How are the lads?

Rommie:
Efficient, as usual. They drove off the first wave of the Magog assault ships.

Dylan:
Yeah, but the Magog can always send more. Magog suck.

Andromeda:
Well, on the bright side, the Worldship was heading towards the known worlds anyway, before you just didn't know about it. At least this way, you can face it head-on.

Beka:
That was such a warship thing to say.

Rommie:
Twenty worlds, joined into a single structure, manipulated by artificial gravity and powered by an miniature sun. I guess it's true what they say: No matter how powerful you are, there's always someone bigger and stronger than you - I just never thought it applied to me.

Andromeda:
Say it won't happen again. You have to promise to me, Beka, that when this is over, I will either be heading home with a crew aboard, or not at all.

Trance:
It's not impossible, it's just really unfair.

Tyr:
Reverend Behemiel! [Slaps Rev] You dead?

Rev:
Tyr Anasazi of the Kodiak Pride. Clearly I am not in heaven.

Dylan:
[As they're being shot at by Nietzscheans who have declared that they only want Tyr] Anything you want to tell me?

Tyr:
No, not particularly.

[Almost hit by a gunshot]

Dylan:
We'll save the conversation for later.

Dylan:
Tyr, any ideas about what might change their minds about killing us?

Tyr:
Killing them first?

Dylan:
It sure would be easier with another helping hand.

Beka:
Yeah. Unfortunately, one of them is slowly starving to death and the other one is out betryaying us.

Dylan:
We don't know that.

Beka:
Well, somehow, I don't think Tyr took all of our guns for Nietzschean "Show and Tell".

Dylan:
With Tyr, you never know.

Rommie:
Peerpoint Drift is a den of thieves. I say let the Than blow them up.

Dylan:
Well, that is why you are not conducting the negotiations.

Hawkins:
Seamus Harper - Grand Theft Spacecraft, and Interstellar Flight to Avoid Prosecution, and Public Lewdness?

Harper:
Only the one time.

Beetle:
Make me an offer.

Tyr:
I offer not to pull your heart out through your eye socket and nail it to your forehead.

Beetle:
That's very reasonable. How's noon tomorrow?

Tyr:
(about the Than and Chichin in negotiations) Would you like me to kill them for you?

Dylan:
(weary) Yes. (Tyr moves toward the door) Wait I'm just kidding. I've got a better idea, next time I offer to broker peace talks between a Chichin gangster and a Than warlord, just kill me.

Tyr:
Alright.

Dylan:
Kidding. Again.

Beka:
He's good, quick on the uptake, smart, completely fearless. He reminds me of…

Harper:
You. He reminds you of you.

Beka:
Then I know I can't trust him.

Rommie:
Triagonal, prismatic, quartz crystal. Trace elements of vanadium, chromium, manganese, and cobalt. Eighty-two-point-two-five grams. I wonder how many of these fake Hearts are out there. I lost count at three.

Dylan:
You never lose count of anything. I mean I assume you could tell the difference the whole time.

Rommie:
Of course. Harper is sweet, but he still believes pretty much anything I tell him. (as if to Harper) Oh, I'm sorry. I may have a brain the size of a planet, but I can't tell the difference between one pretty rock and another.

Tyr:
Am I mistaken, sir, or did you just grant complete strangers unlimited access to this ship?

Dylan:
Why, yes, I did. That way, we can monitor them closely and see what they do with it. There's something not quite trustworthy about them, don't you think?

Tyr:
Your occasional bouts of deviousness never fail to surprise me, Captain.

Dylan:
The fact is, even in the old days, fully loaded, crewed and armed, the Andromeda was only an even match for a Pyrian torchship. In case anyone hasn't noticed, we're not fully loaded, armed, or crewed, and the Pyrians have had 3 centuries to improve their technology.

Beka:
…Not the best pep talk you've ever given.

Dylan:
Oh, you want a pep talk. Okay, uh, do your jobs, don't screw up, and we'll get out of this alive… Maybe.

Trance:
Alcohol doesn't affect me the same way it does you.

Beka:
Yeah, right, like that time on Diphda 5. Next, you'll tell me you've got a hollow leg.

Trance:
No, but I know where to get one.

Trance:
(to Hsigo) I know this may be a stretch for you, but think. You're twice as big as me, and you look pretty scary, but I'm still standing up to you, so either I'm crazy, or I am really, really dangerous. Would you like to guess which? … I didn't think so.

[an alien has been shot up by the entire bar]

Dylan:
Damn.

Beka:
Got that right.

Dylan:
No, I wanted to use him.

Tyr:
Well, as he is he would make an interesting conversation piece.

Beka:
Ah, the Basilisk. Funny how no one ever names their planet-killer the "Fluffy Bunny".

Kim:
Friends? That's crazy! AI's don't have any…

Rommie:
Any what? Emotions? You'd be surprised.

Kim:
I have a security clearance so high, I have to kill myself if I remember I have it - and I'm not allowed past the front gate.

Rommie:
I gave you my best offer. You have 73 seconds to change my mind.

Carter:
73 seconds, huh? That sounds about right.

Tyr:
You're right. This might have been easier had we been able to follow your plan.

Dylan:
Damn! That was almost an apology!

Tyr:
It was nothing of the sort.

Eureka Maru:
Warning - specified proximity exceeds safety margin.

Beka:
Override safety protocols, authorization code: "Shut up and do what I tell you!"

Eureka Maru:
Authorization accepted.

Parvati Quechua:
You're not so bad, as far as kludges go. I have to admit, I like you - I really do.

Beka:
Enough not to kill me?

Quechua:
Well, no, but I promise to feel bad about it after.

Cuchulain:
Until now, all I cared about was Tyr, and what he stole from us. Now I care very much about you.

Dylan:
Well, you see, that's what the universe needs more of - people caring for each other. Have a good trip out.

Harper:
Yeah, sure, that explains everything. No chance that they've been left alone because they're a bunch of cannibals, or killer robots, or…

Trance:
Harper!

Harper:
What? You're gonna say I'm wrong? C'mon, every single High Guard remnant we've encountered has been psychotic, evil, or both… Present company excluded, of course.

Dylan:
Of course.

Tyr:
You should never trust any Nietzschean… except me.

Gaheris Rhade:
About this "Best Man" job…

Dylan:
Uh… yes?

Rhade:
Does it always involve drunken bachelor parties and half-naked dancing girls?

Dylan:
Pretty much, yeah.

Rhade:
In that case, I accept.

Charlemagne Bolivar:
There are at least three good reasons you shouldn't let the Sabra-Jaguar Pride join your new Commonwealth: We are renowned for our treachery; we are at war with the Drago-Kazov Pride; and we will constantly remind you of your genetic inferiority. Now, here's the upside: We are renowned for our treachery; we are at war with the Drago-Kazov Pride; and, did I mention, we command the third-largest fleet in the known worlds.

Dylan:
And, in the case of an emergency, the ship can be piloted from the gunnery nose.

Charlemagne:
Emergency? You mean in the event that the Command Deck crew is reduced to a fine red mist and splattered across the walls in a bloody mural?

Dylan:
That would qualify, yes.

Höhne:
Fascinating! And do such emergencies happen with a degree of frequency, or are they a rare occurrence?

Tyr:
What would you like, Jaguar?

Charlemagne:
The usual: Hundreds of grandchildren, utter domination of known space, and the pleasure of hearing that all my enemies have died in terrible, highly improbable accidents that cannot be connected to me. And you?

Tyr:
[laughing] The usual.

Dylan:
This is Captain Dylan Hunt of the Andromeda Ascendant.

[gunfire]

Tyr:
Apparently, they've heard of you.

Tyr:
My prince, if you rely on people to play by the rules, your reign will be sad, violent, and short.

Erik:
Our entire defense fleet…

Dylan:
Rommie, how long would it take for you to destroy that fleet?

Rommie:
6.2 seconds.

Dylan:
That long?

Dylan:
A Glorious Heritage class cruiser - like the Andromeda - could completely depopulate a world - like Ne'Holland - in under two minutes. More tea?

[Rommie uses planetary warfare pods to kill snipers]

Erik:
You are just like Tyr!

Rommie:
No, I'm better.

Beka:
(referring to Elssbett) She didn't salute! Shouldn't she salute?

Dylan:
Well, I'm thinking that maybe she went to the Beka Valentine School of Military Discipline.

Harper:
Great, "Start the revolution without me!" Anything else I can do for you? Transmute the elements? Reverse entropy? Make you a sandwich?

Tyr:
It will take a great deal more than a whispered promise to extract from me any more information than I have provided already. However, [whispers] you are oh so very welcome to try.

Beka:
Uh, Dylan, now would be the time for one of those crazy, desperate, this-just-might-work ideas.

Dylan:
Oh, I've got one, I was just hoping I wouldn't have to use it.

Tyr:
Tell them the truth. Tell them...That life is inherently unfair, and the wise only fight battles they know they can win.

Harper:
I don't believe in destiny. I don't even believe in density, except in the heads of Perseids - it's a compliment - I believe in Seamus Zelazny Harper. I cogito, therefore I sum, and I sum to cogito that damn machine right out of existence. Capice?

Beka:
Trance! You will never guess who I just met!

Trance:
A scary futuristic version of yourself? She went that way.

Ferahr:
It wasn't me, I swear!

Dylan:
It wasn't you who did what?

Ferahr:
What do you mean?

Dylan:
I haven't even told you why I'm angry!

Ferahr:
Then why…?

Dylan:
Ogami mercenaries. Big, mean, and ugly. Who sent them?

Ferahr:
Uh… lemme think… uh, I know… It wasn't me, I swear!

Rommie:
I can pick up galvanic skin responses and respiration changes. I can also analyze pupil dilations in real time, which makes me a walking lie detector. So, tell me the truth, or I'll turn the bones of your hand into calcified gelatin.

Ferahr:
Absolutely! Absolutely!

Rommie:
What do you know? He's not lying.

Molly:
I haven't lost any [passengers] yet.

Dylan:
I thought I was your first customer.

Molly:
Good point.

Tyr:
This warship - her capabilities - it makes us complacent. We may have to engage the enemy using nothing but our teeth and nails. (Beka bites him.) Ow!

Dylan:
Until Rommie and Trance figure out how these bio-weapons spread, I want you out of harm's way.

Harper:
All right, I know that used to be my favourite place, but…

Dylan:
No "buts", go!

Harper:
Yes, sir. Bravely running away, sir.

Harper:
Sensors - trashed. AP circuits - trashed. EM lens - trashed. Rommie, it's a good thing I love trashy ladies, or I'd be tempted to trade you in for a new model. Maybe a supermodel!

Andromeda:
[hologram] Dylan, I'm not reading any pulses or brainwaves from the corpses of the plague victims, and their bodies register at room temperature.

Tyr:
Well, that would make sense - they're corpses.

Andromeda:
[on-screen] Yes. The trouble is, they're walking around the ship trying to kill you!

Tyr:
[to Dylan] You're surprised? That's what you get for incessantly trying to help!

Dylan:
The ungrateful dead!

Tyr:
It's not so easy to kill dead people!

Dylan:
Trance, are you dead or alive?

Trance:
Yes.

Dylan:
Crystal clear, as usual.

Trance:
She can't tell you.

Beka:
Why? Why can't I tell him?

Trance:
Because if you tell him, Tyr will die.

Tyr:
Then, by all means, leave me in suspense.

Dylan:
The Engine of Creation is a myth. It's like the Holy Grail of ancient Earth, or the Wyvern's Hoards of Gehenna Mortis.

Beka:
Or a restored Commonwealth.

Dylan:
[laughs, insincerely] That's not funny.

Beka:
He never came back.

Dylan:
But you have a different plan?

Beka:
My plan is to come back.

Dylan:
That's a good plan.

Dylan:
They're not butchers, just very strange lovers.

Beka:
Yeah, he's totally controlling, and she's this sexy, shoot-from-the-hip kinda gal. What could they possibly have in common?

Dylan:
Well, Harper always says that opposites attract.

Beka:
That's just his excuse to meet women. Everyone's the opposite of Harper.

Dylan:
How long has the Vedran been here?

Maia:
Since the fall.

Trance:
The Fall of the Commonwealth?

Maia:
Since the autumn, nine months ago.

Harper:
Look, betting my life savings on a game of Yesheedono is a chance I'm willing to take - except against Trance. However, accidentally setting off a nova bomb … isn't.

Dylan:
How do we get people to stop believing in a myth they've believed in for centuries?

Trance:
By getting them to believe in that other myth.

Dylan:
What's that?

Trance:
The one about the High Guard captain flying around the universe, making allies, restoring the Commonwealth.

Dylan:
Oh, I don't think they'll ever believe in that one.

Dylan:
Anyone can have their cake, and then eat it. The real trick is eating your cake, and still having it. It's a common mistake.

Trance:
We did. You could even say we had our cake outside of the box and ate it too.

Tyr:
I have faith in nothing but this: when the Universe collapses and dies, there will be three survivors. Tyr Anasazi, the cockroaches, and Dylan Hunt - trying to save the cockroaches.

Tyr:
I once told Dylan that his mission to restore the Commonwealth is nothing more than an excuse to shape the Universe according to his will. It is. But, in the past two years, for reasons I cannot begin to understand, perhaps I have come to... prefer that shape?

Tyr:
We know - Your willingness to defy the universal odds is a disease that, apparently, we have all contracted.

Trance:
Are we still outside the box?

Dylan:
Trance, we're so far outside the box, we can't even see the box.

Tyr:
The AIs are machines - they should do as they're told, or be discarded as defective.

Rommie:
They're not machines, Tyr, they're sentient beings, soldiers.

Tyr:
Then perhaps Milla has a point. Perhaps the Commonwealth did treat their AIs as slaves. But you would know better than I.

Dylan:
I can't take the risk that you'll fall apart under pressure.

Tyr:
That would be a mistake. This fellow has already taken it upon himself to perform a dangerous task - not because he was commanded, but because it needed to be done. And, in the end, that's the only test that matters - the test of will… You're a machine. I can't believe I just said that.

Dylan:
So, if the Genite attacks are fake, then Tyr is working with the Drago-Kazovs? Nah, I don't buy it.

Beka:
But you buy the "warm and fuzzy" Tyr, concerned for his fellow Nietzscheans?

Dylan:
No, I didn't say that.

Harper:
In a fair fight with them, we'd be fried.

Dylan:
Well, then, we'll have to make sure we don't fight fair.

Dylan:
There's only one way to fight a superior opponent.

Zhukov:
Well, that I wouldn't know - I've never fought a superior opponent.

Tyr:
Remember my admonition about becoming complacent? About forgetting what it means to test our will against the universe? Well, now we have to!