Arrested Development, Season 1

Gob:
Are those police boats? [house band does a rimshot, as if GOB was joking] No, seriously, I think those are police boats.

George Sr.:
That's the Securities and Exchange Commission.

Buster:
They have boats?

Michael:
I thought Buster had everything under control. I thought you've been going in to the office.

Buster:
Yes, and I've enjoyed that. It's just that I was constantly being called to the phone, or I was asked a question, or I was being resuscitated and it was really hard to get a good work flow going.

Gob:
Illusion, Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money. [GOB notices children in earshot] ...Or candy!

[From the extended pilot]

Gob:
Not tricks, Michael, illusions. A trick is something a whore does for money. [GOB notices children in earshot] ...Or cocaine!

Buster:
Well clearly the blue part is the land.

Michael:
Okay, guys, um... they are going to keep Dad in prison at least until this gets all sorted out. Also, the attorney said that they're going to have to put a halt on the company's expense account. [The others gasp.] Interesting. I would've expected that after "They're keeping Dad in jail."

Michael:
What have we always said is the most important thing?

George Michael:
Breakfast!

Michael:
...No. Family.

George Michael:
Oh right! I thought you meant of the things you eat.

Lucille:
If you're saying I play favorites, you're wrong. I love all my children equally.

[Flashback to that morning]

Lucille:
I don't care for Gob.

Narrator:
Then, mistaking a group of garishly dressed men for pirates, Tobias boarded a van full of homosexuals.

George Sr.:
This is my vacation, Michael.

Michael:
You're doing time, Dad.

George Sr.:
I'm doing the time... of my life!

Lucille Bluth:
You want your belt to buckle, not your chair.

Gob:
I should be in charge. I'm the older brother.

Michael:
Do you even want to be in charge?

Gob:
No... but I'd like to be asked!

George Sr.:
[repeatedly] There's always money in the banana stand.

. . .

George Sr.:
There was $250,000 lining the walls of the banana stand!

Michael:
What?

George Sr.:
Cash, Michael.

Michael:
Why didn't you tell me that?

George Sr.:
How much clearer can I say it: "THERE IS ALWAYS MONEY IN THE BANANA STAND!"

Prison Guard:
NO TOUCHING!

George Sr.:
NO TOUCHING!

George Sr.:
[regarding Buster] Maybe it was the eleven months he spent in the womb. The doctor said there were claw marks on the walls of her uterus. But he was her "miracle baby." And I - I was just too burnt out on raising you guys to care. So ... he turned out a little soft, you know... a little doughy... I dunno. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe. Maybe I just ignored the guy. [the camera slow zooms out to show Buster sitting between Michael and George Sr.]

Buster:
[After yawning for a long time] Wow. We're just blowing through nap time, aren't we?

Gob:
Let me ask you something. Is this a business decision, or is it personal? 'Cause if it's business I'll go away happily. But if it's personal, I'll go away... but I won't be happy.

Michael:
It's personal.

Steve Holt:
Steve Holt!

Lindsay:
I care deeply for nature.

Michael:
You're wearing ostrich-skin boots.

Lindsay:
Well, I don't care about ostriches.

Lucille Bluth:
I'll be in the hospital bar.

Michael:
Uh, you know there isn't a hospital bar, Mother.

Lucille:
Well, this is why people hate hospitals. [Cackles at her own wit]

Buster:
She's just wigged out because I have a girlfriend.

Lucille:
A waiter hands him a note and suddenly he's Steve McQueen. He doesn't even know what she looks like.

Buster:
I know that she's a brownish area with points.

Michael:
You're just jumping right into this, huh?

Buster:
That's what you do when life hands you a chance to be with someone special. You just grab that brownish area by its points and you don't let go no matter what your mom says.

Prison warden:
You really think you can break out of my prison?

Gob:
You won't even know I was here.

Narrator:
The warden was intrigued. Less about the stunt, and more about the prison beatings this brash magician was sure to receive.

Michael:
Hey, speaking of kidding, How serious are you about Marta? I get the sense that there's not much of a future there. Am I reading that right?

Gob:
[from inside the prison] Let me ask you something. How would you feel if I came down on you hard?

Michael:
You're saying I'm not reading this right.

Gob:
No, I'm saying move the bike. I need to jump on you to break my fall.

Marta:
I just couldn't find my keys.

Michael:
Well, my brother may have eaten them.

Gob:
Take off your glasses. Oh... wait, wait. Let down your hair. No: glasses on, hair back up. Let's just get that hair right back up.

Kitty:
Let me turn the lights off.

Gob:
Yes, yes, please.

Kitty:
How's that? Is that better?

Gob:
It just seems like there's still light coming in from under the door.

George Sr.:
I just haven't had sex in a month.

Michael:
You know, you've been here two months.

George Sr.:
It's hard to gauge time.

Michael:
Yeah, I'll bet.

Gob:
I [bleep]ed Kitty!

Michael:
Gob! I just wanted you to get the information.

Gob:
I got the information.

Michael:
You did, huh? About the international accounts?

Gob:
Oh, I see what you're getting at. No, I didn't get any information.

Kitty:
Gob? I wish I would have know you were coming. I am a mess.

Gob:
I don't know if a call from me would've changed that.

Kitty:
Do you like my outfit?

Gob:
Not as much as I like what's underneath it.

Kitty:
Gob!

Gob:
No, I need your chair. Get up.

Michael:
Come on, face it. You just do all this charity crap just to stroke your ego. You don't even know what the auction's for tonight.

Lindsay:
The wetlands.

Michael:
To do what with them?

Lindsay:
Dry them.

Michael:
Save them.

Lindsay:
From drying.

Lindsay:
Look, I screwed up, ok? I'm lost, and I hate them. I hate the Wetlands. They're stupid and wet, and there are bugs everywhere, and I think I maced a crane, Michael.

Narrator:
Tobias had intended to park the family's only vehicle at the airport parking lot, but was waved onto the tarmac instead, where he found a spot close to his gate.

Lucille:
Supposedly, Luz had to take her daughter to the hospital. That's Lupe, her sister.

Michael:
I hope she's okay.

Lucille:
She's awful. Can barely wash a dish.

Lindsay:
(loudly) Well, how embarrassing. My own brother buying me? I'd rather die. (whispers to Michael) Thank you. Maybe you're not that selfish.

[at the prison]

Barry Zuckerkorn:
Are all the guys in here... you know? [referencing gay inmates]

George Sr.:
Oh, no, no. No, not all of them.

Barry Zuckerkorn:
Yeah. It's never the ones you hope.

George Sr.:
Hope?

Barry Zuckerkorn:
Think.

Lucille:
What'd she do, get you drunk?

Michael:
No, we just, uh, well... we - we did drink a little bit. How'd you know that?

Lucille:
Because that's what she said she'd do. I said you wouldn't give her the money, and she said, "He will if I get him drunk." Probably because she thinks you're a cheap bastard. Oh... her words.

Wayne Jarvis:
I use one adjective to describe myself, what is it?

Michael:
Professional.

[Jarvis shakes head and walks out]

Michael:
Did I just wake you up? I didn't even know you were home.

Lindsay:
No, Michael, I don't just sleep all day.

Narrator:
Actually, Lindsay was so upset at Michael that she tried meditating to calm herself but ended up taking a two-hour angry nap.

Michael:
I love Marta.

Lindsay:
Mom's housekeeper?

Wayne Jarvis:
I shall duck behind the couch.

Michael:
What a pro.

Wayne Jarvis:
I shall duck behind that little garbage can.

Michael:
Guy's a pro.

Michael:
[to Lucille] Oh, um... there's a big bowl of candy in my office. Why don't you go eat it?

Wayne Jarvis:
Wayne Jarvis, attorney at law. I have a responsibility to tell you that there is no candy in this office.

Gob:
[to Michael] Well, if it isn't the boy who lives under the stairs.

Michael:
Hey, Mom. Remember we had that conversation about trying to cut back on things that aren't necessities?

Lucille:
Like it was yesterday.

Michael:
It was this morning.

Lucille:
You're my third least favorite child.

Michael:
I can live with that.

[Speaking of the surprise party for Lucille]

Maeby:
We [George Michael and Maeby] don't have to go, do we?

Michael:
This is a Bluth family celebration. It's no place for children.

Michael:
I can't believe she got that driver's license renewed.

Gob:
She didn't. I dummied her up a new one. Not my best work, though. She wanted to look 48. I nearly airbrushed her into oblivion. Ended up checking "albino" in the form.

Lindsay:
It would just give Dad one more reason to think that I've got nothing to offer but my looks.

Gob:
Yeah, I got some of that. Except he also didn't like my looks.

Buster:
And I'm going to continue dating, Mom.

Michael:
It sounds a little bit like "dating Mom."

Buster:
It's starting to feel a little like it.

Michael:
Since when are you against leather?

Maeby:
Yeah, you're not even a vegetarian.

Lindsay:
Well, I'm not against the insides. I mean, people need meat to survive.

Michael:
You are aware they don't remove it from the cow surgically, right?

Man at the store:
May I help you?

Tobias:
Oh, I hope so. Um, I'm looking for something that says, "Dad likes leather."

Man:
Something that says, "leather daddy"?

Tobias:
Oh, is there such a thing?

Michael:
I'm a saint, you know. I'm a living saint, and I get absolutely nothing out of it.

Lindsay:
Well, you get a false feeling of superiority

Michael:
That is nice, but this time it's not enough.

Cab driver:
Where to, mate?

Tobias:
The Gothic Castle.

Cab driver:
Gothic Asshole?

Tobias:
That's what I said.

Rollo:
If you care about your brother, you'll get in this car.

Michael:
Which brother?

Rollo:
Gob.

[Michael leaves]

Lucille:
You're the only one who chose a spouse I liked and she had to die.

Michael:
I know, that's rough for you.

Lucille:
[to Lindsay] I don't criticize you! And if you're worried about criticism, sometimes a diet is the best defense.

Maeby:
[working with Lucille] This is so much fun. I can't believe my mom thought being here would be a punishment.

Lucille:
Oh, she thinks I'm too critical. That's another fault of hers.

Maeby:
[working with Lucille] Well, we can go get some ice cream, Gangee. That would be fun, right?

Lucille:
I don't think so. That chubby little wrist of yours is testing the tensile strength of this bracelet as it is.

George Sr.:
What time is it? Oh, almost sundown. I have to prepare for the Sabbath.

Michael:
It's Tuesday.

George Sr.:
Shh...

Michael:
You knew the whole time, didn't you?

George Michael:
Well, sort of. One of the Hot Cops is my choir teacher.

Michael:
Tell you what. I'm going to give you the cash, but in return, I get to ask you for a favor sometime.

Gob:
My gut is telling me no. But my gut is also very hungry.

Gob:
[about the Hot Cops] These guys are pros, Michael. They're gonna push the tension 'til the last possible moment before they strip.

Michael:
They're not going to strip, are they?

Gob:
I told them not to, but I can't promise that their instincts won't kick in.

Jessie:
We need to make Michael the new face of the Bluth company. He's the only likable one in the bunch. No offense.

Michael:
None taken.

Jessie:
There are very few intelligent, attractive and straight men in this town.

Tobias:
Well, that certainly leaves me out. [Everyone looks at Tobias] You said "single," right? She said "single."

Buster:
Uh, I'm unclear about what it is exactly you do.

Jessie:
Excellent question. What a publicist does-

Buster:
No, no, I was talking to George Michael. When did you get a job?

George Michael:
I work at the banana stand.

Buster:
Oh, duh. I thought you meant, like, a plumber or something, and I was like, when did that happen?

Jessie:
Your father's religious now? We'll play that up. It's very sympathetic.

Lucille:
Yeah. Who doesn't love the Jews?

George Sr.:
[in prison] Gentlemen, we do not wave our genitals at one another to make a point!

Lucille:
I'll have the Ike and Tina Tuna.

Waitress:
Plate or platter?

Lucille:
I don't understand the question, and I won't respond to it.

Gob:
Oh, I see. She wants to talk to you. For some reason women feel safe around you. Maybe it's because you've only had sex four times.

Michael:
Not four times, four women! And they talk to me because I talk to them!

Lucille 2:
Buster, this is exactly why our relationship does not work.

Buster:
Our relationship doesn't work?

Lucille 2:
No, not as long as you keep getting me all mixed up with your mother.

Buster:
It is exactly the opposite. I'm leaving my mother for you. You're replacing my mother.

Lucille 2:
Well, that's healthy.

Lucille:
[holding out a tissue] Blow.

Buster:
No, Mother. I can blow myself.

Barry Zuckerkorn:
It would help if you would all show up looking like a loving, supportive family.

Lucille:
For how long?

Barry Zuckerkorn:
Ten minutes tops.

Lucille:
See if you can get it down to five.

Gob:
[to Michael] Tell you what. You may not be good with women, but you are great with other people's women. I'll give you that.

George Michael:
Was Aunt Lindsay ever pregnant?

Gob:
Oh yeah. Dozens of times.

Lindsay:
It's George Michael, he told me. I think he wants a mother.

Michael:
Well that's ridiculous. He's got you, he's got our mother. You'd think that would turn him off to the entire concept.

Lucille:
I don't have the milk of mother's kindness in me anymore.

Michael:
Yeah. That udder's been dry for a while though, hasn't it?

Lindsay:
Well, you and I have different management styles. I believe work should be fun, and you try to crush people's spirits. What's next, Michael? Are you going to make dancing illegal? Is this the tiny town from Footloose?

Buster:
I'm a scholar. I enjoy scholarly pursuits.

Lucille:
Suddenly, playing with yourself is a scholarly pursuit.

George Sr.:
What are you doing firing Kitty? You can't fire Kitty. First of all, you don't have hiring and firing power.

Michael:
I do, and I had to - she's crazy.

George Sr.:
Well, that's why you don't fire her. You don't fire crazy. You never fire crazy.

Lindsay:
Where's Nana?

Lucille:
I sent her on a wonderful cruise. You just missed a wonderful call from her. She just came back from a wonderful costume party that the captain threw. She gained ten pounds, there's so much food on that boat. She's up to 74. She tried pesto for the first time. Imagine that, 92 years old and she never tried pesto. It was wonderful. Just wonderful.

Narrator:
In fact, Lucille's mother had been dead for six months.

Michael:
I'm not a one-night stand kinda guy, I don't like lying to women.

Gob:
These are lawyers. That's Latin for liar.

Michael:
Boy, the lengths you'll go to sleep with a woman.

Gob:
Believe me, we didn't do any sleeping. I had sex last night.

Narrator:
But he really didn't.

Gob:
Yes, I did.

Gob:
I just had a major night. With a major blonde. Who just majored in Marine Biology, if you know what I mean.

Michael:
I don't know what you mean. I can't imagine what that means.

Gob:
And now you love the Ten Commandments. And yet you're the one who so conveniently forgot "Thou shalt protect thy father and honor no one above him unless it be-ith me, thy sweet Lord."

Michael:
I'm not sure that one made it down the mountain, Gob.

Lucille:
Is this why you wanted to fight this thing? So you could run off with this great redwood of a whore?

Gob:
I've got the marriage and none of the good parts. It's like so far it's been all chain and no ball.

Tobias:
As you may or may not know, Lindsay and I have hit a bit of a rough patch.

Michael:
Really? When did that start?

Tobias:
Well, I don't want to blame it all on 9/11, but it certainly didn't help.

George Senior:
Gilligan has promised me that all this money will be safe in IRAs.

Ira Gilligan:
It's Ira, sir.

George Senior:
Oh, I'm sorry, Gilligan. Will be safe in Ira's.

Lucille:
I'm going to Annyong's soccer award ceremony and...

Annyong:
Annyong. [everyone stares at him]

Lucille:
...and I don't need the other soccer moms knowing how old my first batch of kids are.

Gob:
Yeah, I think that they're going to know that Annyong's not your --

Annyong:
Annyong.

Gob:
Would somebody please tell this insufferable child... to... God!

Michael:
Knock, knock! Where's the married bachelor?

George Sr:
Michael, I thought you weren't coming. I thought he wasn't coming.

Michael:
Well, I wasn't going to, but he's my brother and I'm here to support him. Like all these, uh... hot men and Ira.

George Sr:
You're not going to stay? I mean, this isn't your kind of scene.

Michael:
Dad, please, stay out of it, all right? I'm here for G.O.B. Now where are the strippers? You got a little back room going, huh? Huh?

[Gob tries to stop Michael]

Michael:
No, hey, just relax! I'm as fun as anybody! I can handle a back room.

[Michael enters the back room, to the sight of an unconscious stripper and a knocked out Buster]

Michael:
I'm calling the cops.

George Sr.:
Michael, this is my brother. Do you know what it's like to have a sibling who has no source of income except for you?

Michael:
Just one? No, no idea. It sounds wonderful, though.

Wife of Gob:
I'm in love with your brother-in-law.

Gob:
You're in love with your own brother? The one in the army?

Wife of Gob:
No, your sister's husband.

Gob:
Michael? [angrily] Michael!

Wife of Gob:
No, that's your sister's brother.

Gob:
No, I'm my sister's brother. [happily] You're in love with me - me!

Wife of Gob:
I'm in love with Tobias.

Gob:
My brother-in-law?

Wife of Gob:
I know it can never be, so I'm leaving. I'm enlisting in the army.

Gob:
To be with your brother.

Wife of Gob:
No!

Tobias:
I'm afraid that this offer comes off the table at midnight.

Michael:
That may be the worst bluff I've ever heard.

Narrator:
Even the members of Gobias industries agreed on that one.

Lindsay:
Well, they expect a certain amount of theft, Michael. It's built into the price. If I didn't take it, then people would be overpaying for nothing.

Michael:
Lindsay, new outfit?

Lindsay:
This? No, I've had this for years. I think it's a hand-me-down from Mom.

Michael:
You got a price tag. Right there.

Lindsay:
Is there? I guess she wanted me to have something new. Sweet old thing.

Michael:
Only two of those words describe Mom, so I know you're lying to me. And where did you get that outfit?

Lindsay:
Old thing got it for me.

George:
No, no, look, you were ... you were just a turd out there, you know? You couldn't kick, and you couldn't run, you know? You were just... a turd.

Michael:
Not really. Kids love boundaries. I mean, look at these girls. (Talking about the "Girls with Low Self-Esteem" tape) Is this what you want?

Tobias:
Oh, God, no.

Michael:
This could be where your daughter is headed.

Tobias:
Oh, no, no, I don't want this for Maeby either.

Gob:
It's zero hour, Michael. It's the end of the line. I'm the firstborn. Sick of playing second fiddle. Always third in line for everything. Tired of finishing fourth. Being the fifth wheel. [thinks for a moment] There are six things I'm mad about, and I'm taking over.

Michael:
I might not be the best witness either. I got a call from Kitty this morning.

Barry Zuckerkorn:
Your secretary?

George Sr.:
My secretary.

Michael:
She says that she's got some evidence and she's threatening to bring down the company unless we meet her demands.

Gob:
Oh, that is just great. Now I'm expected to climb back on top of Kitty and do my thing again. I mean, this family runs into problems and it's "Oh, let's have Gob [bleep] our way out of it."

Michael:
Tell me the truth, okay? 'Cause there's been a lot of lying in this family.

Lucille:
And a lot of love.

Michael:
More lies.