Arrested Development, Season 3

Gob:
Pardon me if I don't burst into tears, Michael. At least he promised to take you. [bursts into tears] He just let me blindly enjoy my childhood! [sobbing] I didn't even know there was a cabin... he wasn't taking me to!

Gob:
Well, I will tell you this, Michael: I don't have a son...

Narrator:
He does.

Gob:
...But if I ever do, I'm either going to take him to the cabin in the woods, or I'm going to promise to take him and then not take him. But the one thing that I will never do is not tell him that I'm taking him to a cabin in the woods, and then not take him!

Narrator:
Gob was growing up.

[Later, waiting for Michael to take him to the cabin]

Gob:
There's only one sleeping bag, so we're going to have to double up. Pigs in a blanket!

Michael:
Sorry, pal, something came up.

Gob:
It is worse to know.

Narrator:
Gob was getting life lessons all over the place.

Lindsay:
We did it, Mikey! We're super-rich again. And I'm going to buy a car. The Volvo. [hands Michael a piece of paper]

Michael:
No, Lindsay, you're not going to start spending money. [looks at paper] And this is not a Vol-vo.

Lindsay:
Oh, that's from sitting on the copier. Michael, I've got nothing. My husband dumped me and ran off to Vegas with Kitty, that bleached-blonde whore.

Michael:
He's definitely got a type.

Lindsay:
I can't believe he left me. I mean, this? [points to her face] And these? [points to her breasts] And this? [holds up paper]

Michael:
That's the car.

Lindsay:
Oh. [holds up other paper] This?

Michael:
Glad I didn't spring for color.

Michael:
We've got a picture of you with Saddam Hussein.

George, Sr.:
I thought, I thought that was the guy who played the Soup Nazi. I told him how much I liked his work.

Michael:
Great. I was wondering if you might be willing to go somewhere with me. I would pay you.

Rita:
You'll pay me?

Michael:
Not... not for sex. You're going to think that I'm Jack the Ripper, right? Didn't he kill prostitutes or...?

Rita:
I'm not a prostitute.

Michael:
Then I shall let you live.

Gob:
Steve Holt's not my son.

George Michael:
Steve Holt? The moron jock?

Gob:
That's my son, you pothead!

Narrator:
Michael did try again with Rita, but this time determined to keep no secrets.

Michael:
I want to tell you everything if... if you're willing to listen.

Rita:
I'm a very good listener.

Michael:
Great. Start with the misdemeanors and then, we're gonna' push right on through to the lighter treasons. So, 1983...

Gob:
Hey, can you do me a favor? A young neighborhood tough by the name of Steve Holt will be dropping by, and...

Michael:
Your son?

Gob:
According to him.

Michael:
And a DNA test.

Gob:
I heard the jury's still out on science.

[During a work-out montage with Michael]

Steve Holt:
Don't ask "can I?," ask "I can!"

Steve Holt:
You can control your bladder when you're dead!

Steve Holt:
No blood, no oil!

Steve Holt:
There's no "I" in "win"!

Michael:
Besides, I already got George Michael the big present for his birthday...

George Michael:
A suit! Dad, is it Jack Welch?

Michael:
I want you to look under the pants.

George Michael:
Quicken! Premiere! Dad, I hope you kept the receipt.

Michael:
You want to return that?

George Michael:
What? No, I want to deduct it.

Gob:
Hey, maybe that's it. Maybe we should do to the Japanese what they do in their movies. Build a miniature city, put it outside the window, tell them it's far away. It'll look real if you squint. God knows they're squinters. [looks at Larry the surrogate] What do you think, Dad? A whole, tiny town.

George Sr./Larry:
Another brilliant idea, Einstein.

Gob:
Really? You'd like to build it with me?

George Sr./Larry:
Larry really never knows how to sell the sarcasm. It's a stupid idea.

Michael:
She's sweet. She's smart. She's beautiful. She's special.

Narrator:
She was special.

[Flashback]

Rita:
Are houses terribly hard to make?

Michael:
Actually, the hardest part is finding the land.

Narrator:
But she wasn't smart...

Rita:
Instead of making houses, maybe you should make land.

Narrator:
...for Rita had only mentally progressed...

Rita:
On the ocean.

Narrator:
...to the level of a first grader.

Rita:
There's no land on the ocean.

Narrator:
Michael might have noticed her disability if it had not been masked by her English accent.

Michael:
[pause] You are brilliant.

Narrator:
Yeah. She wasn't.

Rita:
Rita corny, Michael.

Narrator:
So Michael used a line that was just as corny.

Michael:
You know, I think that we should wait until after we're married.

[Michael has just revealed that he knows Rita is mentally challenged]

Rita:
You found out.

Michael:
Took me long enough.

Rita:
Maybe you're not smart, either! I didn't know until they told me.

Michael:
Can't a guy call his mother pretty without it seeming strange?

Buster:
Amen. And how about that little piece of tail on her? Cute!

Michael:
I've opened a door here that I regret.

Lucille:
Oh, he's just talking about his stupid turtle.

Buster:
She has a name, Mother, and it's Mother.

Lucille:
I want to cry so bad, but I don't think I can spare the moisture.

Lucille:
And that goes into storage, right? Not into your apartment.

Painter:
Que?

Lucille:
[to Michael] What's Spanish for "I know you speak English"?

Gob:
I've got this Christian girlfriend now and she's trying to get me to be a better man and reconnect with my son and I'm trying to get her to renounce God and [bleep] me and I just want to prove to her that I'm worth it.

Michael:
That's the point, Dad. Mr. Loblaw no longer works for us because someone wanted a boyfriend.

Tobias:
Well, don't blame me!

Michael:
I was talking to Lindsay, actually, but he was clearly turned off to the both of you.

Lindsay:
You know, Mom, I think the only time you cooked for us was the morning Rosa's mom died.

Buster:
You gave us cereal in an ashtray.

Lucille:
I just pray it's one of those things where he's unconscious through the whole trial and when he wakes up he gets BIG toy!

Michael:
Did you do this, Mom? Did you put one of your own sons in a coma so he wouldn't testify?

Lucille:
Michael, how dare you! Although the thought did cross my mind.

[Gob is using a "My name is Judge" magazine insert inside his ventriloquist dummy]

Gob:
They'll call me up on the stand, say something like "who is this little friend?", and he'll say...

Franklin/Judge:
My name is Judge.

Gob:
Whose name is Judge?

Franklin/Judge:
My name is...

Gob:
That's a silly name!

Michael:
That's enough!

Franklin/Judge:
...Judge. My name...

Gob:
Yes, I am judging your name. It am silly!

Franklin/Judge:
...Is...

Gob:
Oh, now you're correcting my grammar?

Michael:
Gob, not going to put Franklin on the stand. And your lips are moving just a little bit.

Franklin/Judge:
...Judge.

Gob:
He's right, his name is Judge now.

George, Sr.:
I just want my brother to envy my money, but he's got that hair. Why can't I have hair and money and him nothing?

Gob:
The real problem is that she keeps saying that God is going to show me a sign. The... something of my ways. Wisdom?

Michael:
It's probably wisdom.

Michael:
I can't stand to hear one more lie out of this family.

Tobias:
[entering, to Lindsay] There's the woman I'm sexually attracted to.

Michael Okay, but that's the last one.

Richard Shaw:
I'm sorry it took so long, but the Cheney Expressway was backed up all the way to Halliburton Road.

Buster:
Let me go with you. I was trained by Army. I speak the language.

Michael:
You speak Arabic?

Buster:
La-ach-ha-tem.

Michael:
What's that mean?

Buster:
No, I was just clearing my throat... but I think it actually does mean "laundry," but like a child's laundry. We don't really have a word for it.

Tobias:
I should call the Hot Cops and tell them to dress up as something more nautically themed. Hot sailors, maybe. Or better yet, hot seam-

Michael:
I like hot sailors.

Tobias:
Mmmm. Me too.

Narrator:
Although George Michael had only got to second base, he'd gone in head first, like Pete Rose.

Narrator:
It was Arrested Development.

Oscar:
I'm your uncle! I'm your dad's twin brother! I'm Oscar! He switched on me! Noone believes me!

Narrator:
Unfortunately for Oscar, "You got the wrong twin" was a very popular alibi.

(scene cuts to an example of other convicts being arrested)

Arrested man:
You simply got the wrong twin!

Arrested twin 1:
We're quadruplets! You got the wrong two!

Arrested twin 2:
We're Larry and Dave!

Arrested twin 1:
You want Curtis and Jack!

(scene cuts back to Michael and Oscar)

Oscar:
I even started up a website: I'mOscar.com! (we see the I'mOscar.com main webpage) I'm innocent Michael! I'm Oscar! Dot Com!

Bob Loblaw:
If you take money from these people under false pretenses, you’ll be committing fraud. The government’s already watching your father pretty closely. They’re going through his mail. They want to put your father in prison for good.

George:
Yeah, Bob’s right. We’ve got to start thinking practically. Life is not some cheesy Japanese movie where the hero pulls on a pair of jet pants and...

Larry:
...flies off the balcony like Astro Boy.

Narrator:
And that’s when George Sr. did a Web search for the words “jet pants.”

George:
Even better.