Ashes to Ashes, Series 2

Alex Drake:
[on Gene's cursory questioning of a suspect] Well, was that it? I've seen bacon grilled for longer than that.Oh great, I'm even beginning to sound like you.

Alex Drake:
[in the quattro stuck in traffic as a man walks across the road holding a sign shaped as a large penis] There's a man with a giant penis.

Alex Drake:
Auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Gene Hunt:
What?

Alex Drake:
By strangling himself like that his dying brain cells released glutamate. To prevent glutamate overload the brain releases a receptor. It's these receptors that give rise to the feelings of euphoria.

Gene Hunt:
I didn't know you had a PhD in masturbation, DI Drake.

Alex Drake:
You're not drunk.

PC Kevin Hales:
I'm just a pebble on the beach, Ma'am. I'm nothing. We are everywhere. Everywhere.

Ray Carling:
Guv…?

Gene Hunt:
What?

Ray Carling:
Fire up the photocopier!

Alex Drake:
She's not a tart Ray, she's an actress

Gene Hunt:
[to Alex Drake] You've got a very pretty face but you go on longer than the Eurovision Song Contest.

Gene Hunt:
[to Alex Drake] You and me, Bolls, we're a team. Fighting the rot together.

Gene Hunt:
A quick reminder, Drakey. I am one of the good guys and you are on my side.

Alex Drake:
This will never be my side.

Alex Drake:
You're playing with them.

Gene Hunt:
No, that's just the way I'm standing.

Gene Hunt:
But we've got even bigger fish to fry in this hornet's nest. We only have one stab at it otherwise it'll be like rats leaving a sinking ship.

Alex Drake:
Metaphors- all over the shop.

Gene Hunt:
I know. Clever, innit?

Gene Hunt:
You're looking very chirpy Bolls, you been sitting on top of the washing machine again?

Alex Drake:
Guv. Do you think if I've saved some lives, that means I'm worth saving?

Gene Hunt:
If you say so. Now get your boney arse back here.

Robin:
I can feel something from you, Alex. A sadness. You're physically present, but really, you're elsewhere.

Alex Drake:
Elsewhere?

Gene Hunt:
Luigi! Bottle of your cheapest champagne, I'm about to become a daddy!

Gene Hunt:
Right, quick word about police brutality - lots of it.

Alex Drake:
What do you do for a hobby, Mr Jarvis?

Mr Jarvis:
I don't follow you.

Alex Drake:
Collect rare stamps?

Gene Hunt:
Or fishing tackle?

Alex Drake:
Or garden gnomes?

Gene Hunt:
Or young virgins straight from the coach station?

Gene Hunt:
Bolls, don't cry. That's an order.

Alex Drake:
I'm not.

Gene Hunt:
Now if you don't stop crying, I might even start feeling sorry for you. And God forbid, I might even have to put a comforting arm around you.

Alex Drake:
If I may paraphrase Dorothy Parker, I don't think we should put all our eggs in one bastard.

Gene Hunt:
What other bastard have we got?

Gaynor:
Not until you call me by my name....GAYNOR!

Gene Hunt:
I'll call you what I damn well want you gender bender, wierdy beardy, freak of nature. (Gaynor knees Gene in the balls)

Chris Skelton:
Think he drowned, then?

Gene Hunt:
No, Christopher. I think he tried to drink the entire river for a bet and failed!

Alex Drake:
[to Gene Hunt] I feel different. I feel better. I think they've done it. You haven't seen the best of me. Before I go, I think you're really gonna be surprised because I haven't felt this good in a long time.

Ray Carling:
I'm like Liberace.

Chris Skelton:
Poofter?

Ray Carling:
No, no… the other one. What - what's his name? Valentino. That's it, I'm like Valentino.

Martin Summers:
[to Alex] What? You expected us to disappear? In a puff of smoke? Matter meets anti-matter, time imploding on itself, that sort of thing?

Sharon "Shaz" Granger:
Several people were looking for Mr. Hugh Jarse. And it turned out Mike Rotch was quite popular too.

Alex Drake:
Right.

Sharon "Shaz" Granger:
Five or six had chronic asthma and… one man had some very imaginative suggestions.

[Gene's office. Skelton puts his warrant card down on Hunt's desk]

Gene Hunt:
What's that?

Chris Skelton:
Warrant card. I wish to offer my resignation from the force with immediate effect.

Gene Hunt:
No.

Chris Skelton:
What?

Gene Hunt:
No, you don't get off that easy. I want you to stay a copper. And know every second, of every minute, of every day, the true depth of your full betrayal of the force. Of Shaz. Ray. Yourself. Jail isn't your sentence, Chris. I am.

Sharon "Shaz" Granger:
It was a horrible shock but I'm not ashamed of you. I'm proud of you.

Chris Skelton:
How could you possibly be proud of me?

Sharon "Shaz" Granger:
Because you care when you get it wrong. It matters to you and that takes something special. I love you for that. Do you hear me? I love you.

Gene Hunt:
You talk to me, Alex. If I mean anything to you at all.

Alex Drake:
I'm from the future. I was shot. And I woke up here, with you. Just like Sam Tyler, only this is my reality. And I'm fighting not to die because if I die, I will never get home, and it's insane but there it is. And I trust you, which is why I'm telling you the truth.

Robin Elliot:
I can feel something from you, Alex. A sadness. You're physically present, but really, you're elsewhere.

Alex Drake:
Elsewhere?

Robin Elliot:
I understand, because I am too. I'm playing the piano. Same piece, over and over and over again, until it's perfect.

Alex Drake:
You know, you sound to me like someone who wants to live.

Robin Elliot:
Everyone wants to live, Alex. But who are we to decide who's worth being saved?

[Gene enters the cell and sits opposite Robin, teasing him by eating a fish supper]

Gene Hunt:
Who did this?

[Gene eats another chip]

Gene Hunt:
WHO DID THIS?!

Robin Elliot:
We have enslaved the rest of creation.

[Gene loses it, smashing his head into the fish supper]

Gene Hunt:
You should be in Broadmoor!

Viv James:
There's some vegetarians waiting to be interviewed.

Gene Hunt:
Right, force-feed them some oxtail soup 'til I get back.

Alex Drake:
I have to stop this infection. Time's running out for me, Guv.

Gene Hunt:
Yeah, and time's running out for moi.

Alex Drake:
That's French.

Gene Hunt:
Sorry, I'm under pressure.

Gene Hunt:
You like Westerns?

Jenette:
Love them.

Gene Hunt:
Wayne, Stewart, Cooper or Eastwood? It's important.

Jenette:
Wayne for the machismo. Stewart for the warmth. Cooper for the romance. Eastwood for the mystery.

Gene Hunt:
Above all?

Jenette:
Gary Cooper.

Gene Hunt:
Me too.

Jenette:
Not for the romance.

Gene Hunt:
No, not for the romance.

Jenette:
Not against a bit of romance though, are you?

Gene Hunt:
Carnegie, you've just been Quattro'd!

Gene Hunt:
Do you remember? Young copper. Ready to put the world to rights. Spick and span, very proud. You remember that?

Martin Summers:
Yes.

Gene Hunt:
Hold onto that thought. It's a good'un.

Martin Summers:
It is.