Being Human, Series 5

Alex:
Just treat me like an equal. Treat me like a bloke.

Tom:
But you're a lady. And my dad taught me how to treat ladies. Always be polite and courteous, if a lady came in the room, stood up and take off any hats, and if it was a vampire, you staked 'em.

Hal:
Maybe I should left a clue like I don't know, locking him in a cellar and tying him to f***ing radiator!"

Hal:
Ian! I have no intention of bumming you.

Hal:
500 years of murder and torment. Round and round we go. Evil doesn't die it just passes like a parcel from year to year, body to body. But I survive I live on while good people die around me, heroes die.

Tom:
What's that you're doing?

Hal:
I'm disinfecting the keyboard with pure alcohol and a cotton ball.

Tom:
I'd never think of doing that. I'm never gonna win this competition, am I?

Hal:
This isn't part of the competition. Doesn't everyone do this?

Dominic Rook:
Instead, you'll get this pen. This - very special - pen.

Crumb:
Does it shoot poison gas? Or pellets? Or poison gas pellets?

Rook:
No. It's essentially a pen.

Captain Hatch:
I'm getting stronger every day. When the time is right, I will rise. And then I'm going to drain the world dry. I'm going to lap up every drop of hope and love and feel it run down my chin. I'm going to turn men into beasts and ruin their women and spit poison into their children. I'm going to scorch the earth with proper, Old Testament despair and teach them that the gods are there to be feared and everything you love will die and everything you're scared of will come true.

Tom:
Larry's gonna stay here a while to train me.

Hal:
Great. The more the merrier -

Tom:
[interrupting] You're not the boss of me here, Hal. I can do what I like.

Hal:
Yes, I know, I - I said it was great.

Tom:
There's a new player in town. And he's got the skills, and the looks, and the motivation, and the skills. He's got the whole package.

Hal:
He's been filling your head with utter nonsense! Tom, these attitudes he's encouraging - they're shallow! They're aggressive -

Tom:
Alright, alright! Maybe he's not a very nice guy! Maybe that's the truth! But you know what? I don't care. 'Cause nice guys finish last, Hal. And I'm tired of finishing last. 'Cause when you're there, and you get to the finishing line, you find that the pie's already gone, 'cause some bugger like you has already et it. [beat] The Success Pie. [beat] Which is where they keep it. At the finishing line on the top of...Success Mountain - I don't really know how it works.

Hal:
You don't have to stoop to his level.

Tom:
Well, maybe I do, Hal. 'Cause I'm sure of one thing, that McNair would've wanted more for me than this. And I'm letting him down. Every day I'm letting him down. And maybe this is a way I can make him proud of me.

Hal:
This is your chance. This your only chance to be the wise man who walks away and lives to see another day.

Larry Chrysler:
So...we're more alike than I thought.

Hal:
We are nothing alike.

Larry:
When you look at me, you see the monster you're hiding.

Hal:
You believe whatever you want. Just go.

Larry:
I'm a little too wild for your liking, aren't I? Little too unpredictable, little too...complete?

Hal:
It's clearly helped you make such a success of your life.

Larry:
Didn't you tell Tom all that stuff was unimportant? Instead, I've got no struggle, no tug-of-war; just one voice, one life, one me. [He steps towards Hal.] Seeing that's gotta hurt.

Hal:
I strongly suggest you take a step backwards.

Larry:
You know what? I think you're just one big PR exercise. You think I'm a fraud! Well, I guess you'd know the signs. All huff and no puff. Ooh, c'mon, let's see this big bad Hal that's got everyone so scared.

Hal:
You don't know what you're doing.

Larry:
Maybe I do. Maybe I want this. Maybe I want to "see the monster." C'mon, let him out, let's play! If he's even real. You got the others fooled; it's not exactly hard, is it? A slag and a retard?

Hal:
You wanna talk to the real me? [He bares his fangs at Larry and chokes him with the cord of a lamp.] Hello, Larry. Here I am, did you want to speak to me? Hello? [Larry falls to the ground.]

Hal:
All we're doing is marking time until the inevitable.

Alex:
Kind of like life, then?

Crumb":
There is no Ian, there is only Crumb.(Crumb laughs)

Rook:
You know what I tell myself every morning? No care, all responsibility. You will best serve Her Majesty and the government if this doesn't affect you. Come in; clean up; clock off; no care. All responsibility. Remember that, and you'll have a bright future in this department.

Tom:
She makes me feel things.

Alex:
What things?

Tom:
Feelings.

Alex:
She made you feel feelings?

Tom:
Yeah.

Alex:
What a bitch. You should stake her, anyway.

Natasha:
Tom? There's some...there's something I need to tell you.

Tom:
What's wrong? Have I done something? [Natasha begins lifting her skirt to show Tom her wound.] What, here? Now? Before dinner? [He begins to take off his trousers.]

Natasha:
[to Rook] And, you know, I realized something as well. You said you and me are like family, but you sent me in here as bait. So either you don't really think Hal's that bad, or...or you and me aren't really family. [She sighs.] 'No care, all responsibility,' huh?

Natasha:
You nearly died saving my life. You made sure I'm safe again and again. What, all that effort and you just kill me?

Rook:
I do my job. It's what I've always done.

Natasha:
I'm human. It's your job to protect me.

Alex:
I don't care if you have enough viagra to fill the Titanic, nobody is doing any rising on my watch.

Alex:
Who are you?

Hatch:
I'm only the f***ing devil, sweetheart.

Hal:
[to Hatch] You know where you went wrong? You should have put us together. Everything is incomplete...without them.

Hatch:
There's no shame in living a dream if it's better than reality.

[Tom asks Hal if him and Alex are wasting their time trying to be human]

Hal:
I'm not part of this little project now. Which gives me a clarity I didn't have before. Annie, George, Mitchell, Nina, the two of you, what none of you realised...what none of us realised; Is the desire to be human is the end, not the beginning. To want it is to have it. You're not wasting your time Tom, you've already won.

Hal:
Ian! I have no intention of bumming you.