Bewitched, Season 8

Maurice:
Endora, you have all the charm of a tse-tse fly.

[Maurice dismisses his driver (named Yorick), who coughs before disappearing.]

Maurice:
Alas, poor Yorick. He isn't well.

Darrin's client:
And Mrs Stephens. You should be very proud of your father. I think he's dynamite.

Samantha:
Ooh, I do too. And, uh, I never know when he might explode.

Larry Tate:
Darren, why are you carrying that leg of lamb?

Darrin:
Well, in the condition it's in, it couldn't very well walk by itself.

[After finding out that Endora has cast yet another spell on Darrin.]

Samantha:
One thing you can say about my mother. She's a mother-in-law.

Darrin:
The one thing I can say about your mother is censorable.

[After Endora finds photographs of beautiful models in swimsuits in Darrin's briefcase.]

Endora:
Have you ever heard of the syndrome peculiar to mortal men? The seven year itch? Seven years marriage and it's off with the old and on with the new.

Samantha:
In case you hadn't noticed, Darrin and I have been married for eight years.

Endora:
You see, Derwood can't do anything right.

[Samantha is reading a newspaper betting column. She is trying to dissuade Darrin from betting on the horse.]

Samantha:
Look at what this fellow says about Count of Valor. "Couldn't beat a fat man up a hill".

[Darrin is phoning the betting company to place a bet on a horse.]

Darrin:
Hello. I'd like to place a bet. My account number is A231. My codename is 'Dog'.

Samantha:
And so's your horse.

[When Count of Valor is at the back of the field in the race.]

Samantha:
He'll catch up.

Larry Tate:
Only if they race to Albany.

[Maurice is greeting Samantha.]

Maurice:
She walks in beauty, like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies. And all that's best of dark and bright meet in her aspect and her eyes.

Samantha:
Aw, thank you, Daddy. You and Byron say the cutest things.

Endora:
Maurice, this exhibition is absurd. Childishly flamboyant and pathetically egomaniacical.

Maurice:
Thank you, Endora, your charm is ageless. So sad about the rest of you.

[Maurice is greeting Tabitha.]

Tabitha:
Hello, Grandpapa.

Maurice:
Tabitha! How is my little princess?

Tabitha:
Fine. I can always tell your voice, Grandpapa.

Maurice:
Yes, people say it has a unique quality.

Tabitha:
And it's so loud, too.

[Explaining why Adam has not shown any signs of being a warlock.]

Maurice:
Let me tell you what I think the problem is. This child has been brought up in an atmosphere that has inhibited the growth of his witchcraft.

Endora:
You see, Samantha's husband - that mortal lamebrain - absolutely forbids the use of witchcraft in this house.

Witches Council Representative #1:
No.

Endora:
Yes.

Witches Council Representative #2:
No!

Endora:
Yes!

Witches Council Representative #1:
No!!!

Endora:
Why do you keep saying 'No' when I keep saying 'Yes'!!!

[After witnessing Samantha and Darrin walking along while hugging each other closely (to prevent Samantha from being lifted into the air!)]

Mr. Prescott:
That's a pretty squirrely couple

Mrs. Prescott:
It's called love, Wilbur.

Mr. Prescott:
Why's he holding her like that?

Mrs. Prescott:
That is also called love, Wilbur.

Mr. Prescott:
He's gonna help her dress?

Mrs. Prescott:
Love, Wilbur!

Mr. Prescott:
Sick, Selma.

Darrin:
Can you learn to skate normally? From scratch, without witchcraft?

Samantha:
Why would I want to do that?

Darrin:
Could you or couldn't you?

Samantha:
Darrin, why is it you think that witches need witchcraft for everything?

Darrin:
Not everything. Just everything difficult.

[Samantha turns around in a huff!)]

Samantha:
Well!

Darrin:
Can you learn to skate the mortal way?

Samantha:
Are you challenging me?

Darrin:
Yes

Samantha:
I accept. And if I can't, I will be more careful in the future about accepting challenges.

Samantha:
In gay Paree it's s'il vous plaît, in Germany it's bitte. Please, Serena, come this way, I need a baby sitter.

[Larry doesn't understand what Louise is getting at!]

Larry Tate:
Do me a favour, call Berlitz and get me a translator

Darrin:
Is Tabitha ready for school?

Samantha:
Of course she's ready for school! [pause] The question is, is school ready for Tabitha?

Charlton, the bully:
What kind of dumb name is Tabitha?

Tabitha:
It's not a dumb name.

Charlton, the bully:
How come I've never heard it before?

Tabitha:
Because you never met anyone named Tabitha!

[After Charlton keeps insisting that Tabitha turned him into a bullfrog.]

Charlton's mom:
Why does he keep saying that?

Samantha:
Well, maybe it's a case of ego identification.

Charlton's mom:
Yeah. [She thinks for a second.] What's that?

Samantha:
Well, a bullfrog suggests bully, doesn't it?

Charlton's mom:
Yes.

Samantha:
Do you follow me?

Charlton's mom:
No.

Samantha:
Children need love and understanding. Without it, they sometimes become overly aggressive and turn into bullies.

Charlton's mom:
Oh. Charlton, did you really think you were a bullfrog?

Charlton, the bully:
I WAS a bullfrog.

Samantha:
Love and understanding, Mrs Rollnick.

[After Samantha has convinced the bully's mother that he only imagined himself as a bullfrog]

Tabitha:
Young lady! You have nothing to laugh about, you started this whole mess. Now, how are we gonna deal with you?

Tabitha:
I have an idea.

Tabitha:
What's that?

Tabitha:
How about a little love and understanding?

Tabitha:
Why is it that I feel like the fox thats been cornered by the chicken!?

[After George Washington sees Abraham Lincoln's face on the $5 bill and his on the $1 bill].

George Washington:
And who is this bearded fellow?

Samantha:
That's Abraham Lincoln. The 16th president.

George Washington:
He must have been a very fine president to have his name honored on a $5 bill.

Samantha:
He was an excellent president, Sir.

George Washington:
Better than me?

Darrin:
Oh, I wouldn't say that.

George Washington:
Then why is President Lincoln's name on a $5 bill while the father of his country is only on a $1 bill?

Samantha:
Well, you see, more people can afford $1 bills than $5 bills which means more people see your picture than Abraham Lincoln's.

Samantha:
Sometimes, it's easier to be led than to lead. And a great many of our citizens prefer to stand on the sidelines and ignore their rights instead of defend them. They're called "The Silent Majority".

George Washington:
Experience has shown that mankind is more disposed to suffer evils while those evils are sufferable, than to right themselves and abolish those abuses.

[Referring to Esmerelda]

Darrin:
How come you witches can do anything, but you can't come up with a witch psychiatrist for her!

Samantha:
How would you like a drink?

Darrin:
Sam, just give me the news, without the anaestethic.

Samantha:
Just because blondes have more fun doesn't make them brainless, you know?

Samantha:
Did Larry like it?

Darrin:
He hated it. Right up until the time that Benson loved it.

[Referring to Dr. Bombay].

Samantha:
There goes one of the great quackpots of all time.

Samantha:
Darrin, don't make mother angry. She's very difficult when she gets angry.

Darrin:
Since when does she have to be angry to be difficult?

Endora:
Your right, Derweed. I don't have to be angry to be difficult. [pause] But it helps.

Samantha:
Oh, Darrin. When are you going to learn that mother knows best. And what mother knows best - is how to be difficult.

[The last lines spoken in the series. Darrin is testing the truth spell Endora has cast]

Darrin:
Honey. You're beautiful, sweet, clever, adorable and I love you madly. [referring to the spell] It works.

Samantha:
Well, it doesn't work on me. But I love you. And that is the truth, the whole truth and etcetera.