Blue Heelers, Season 13 (2006)

Alex:
Don't worry about a kiss...

Jonesy:
Aw, I'll give you one if it means that much to you.

Alex:
We have to stop living together.

Joss:
It's our job to serve and protect.

Kelly:
That's America, you moron!

Matt:
Pig shooter.

Amy:
Not quite the way I would've put it.

Bob:
You're a good man Tom.

Tom:
Don't say that.

Alex:
What am I doing? I'm just pretending to be his Dad. Acting Sergeant, Acting Dad.

Tom:
Computer. What's that?

Francis:
Are you sick?

Tom:
I'm fine!!

Francis (about Amy):
She's pretty committed!!

Tom:
Just a bit of heartburn...

Amy:
Sophie said that?

Tom:
Not that it's anyone's business, but yes.

Amy:
Wow. She's even better than I thought! Diagnosis by telepathy... She rang, boss, looking for you.

Francis:
Gran said to stick by the main road or I'll get kidnapped by a serial killer.

Matt:
It's cool.

Tom:
Cool. These blokes don't seem cool to me.

Tom:
Amy, if you were a drug squad Senior Detective Sergeant...

Amy:
I would have had a pretty fast promotion in the last five seconds!

Amy:
Am I a cowboy??

Tom:
Not as much as some...

Amy:
Am I looking to get brownie points?

Tom:
You're about to retire

Amy:
Might wanna look good in front of my crew.

Amy:
And yeah, don't worry. I WILL make the call. Even if I don't get anything in return.

Tom:
You want me to go see the doctor that much??

Amy:
So far I'm coming across as half-hearted?!

Tom:
These are the two that's been monstering Francis?? Put em in the cell!

Francis:
Really? You trust me with the cars?

Tom:
As much as I trust Peroni...

Tom (about Matt):
They're gonna kill him!!

Alex:
Uh..water? waterfall?

Tom:
S, H, I, N, G...

Alex and Amy:
Washing powder...

Amy:
It's his shopping list!

Tom:
Lock the prick up!

Tom:
Don’t you have a hanky?”

Francis:
Geez, you go to the toilet a lot.

Tom:
Yeah? Well you don’t blow you nose enough!

Joss:
How do you know this kid anyway?

Tom:
Bad luck.

Tom:
How old are you Kirby!?

Alex:
What do you want me to do? Carry him to school?

Francis:
I weigh 72 kilos.

Alex:
That's impressive!

Susie:
You guys know each other?

Tom:
Yeah we were at the academy together.

Susie:
Together?

Rex:
Err, I’m older than I look.

Tom:
And I’m…younger than I look...

Rex:
What the hell is that?

Tom:
It looks like a Twistie sandwich!

Amy:
Ahh boss, your appointment – 15 minutes.

Tom:
Yeah yeah, I’m on my way.

Amy:
[surprised] Great!

Francis:
Are you gunna die?

Jonesy:
Boss? Everything okay?

Tom:
What?

Jonesy:
Like with you.

Tom:
Why wouldn’t everything be okay?

Jonesy:
I dunno mate you look a little crook. Why don’t you go see a doctor, go see Sophie!

Tom:
When was the last time YOU went to see a doctor?

Jonesy:
Can’t remember…but I’m not crook.

Tom:
MY health is MY business, I don’t need YOU broadcasting your opinions to every man and his dog!

Amy:
I haven’t said anything to anyone – not even a dog.

Tom:
Then why would Jones of ALL people suddenly be suggesting I need to see a doctor?

Amy:
Probably because ‘Blind Freddy’ could see that there’s something seriously wrong with you.

Amy:
I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. It's none of my business. But if 'Jones of ALL people' can see it, then soon whatever's wrong with you is going to be everyone's business.

Francis:
Wow, a real police operation. Did I help?

Tom:
No. You just got in the bloody way.

Rory:
You said I could take the next one, Jonesy!

[Alex looks at Jonesy.]

Rory:
Come on, Jonesy!

Jonesy:
Alright, there you go mate.

[Jonesy gives Rory the radio.]

Rory:
Mt. Thomas 509 to VKC, we'll attend.

VKC:
Thanks, Mt. Thomas 509.

Alex:
You're only encouraging him.

Jonesy:
Well, at least he got the call sign right!

Old man (about Alex):
That's no Sergeant!

Alex:
Who the hell's this?

Joss:
This is the guy that stole the perfume from the chemist.

Old man (about Alex):
That's just a mannequin in a uniform!

Matt (holds up lingerie):
And he'd also stolen these...

Joss (holds up dog collar and lead):
And this...

Alex:
What's he gonna do...EURGH! He's all yours.

Old man's son:
I'm sorry, Constable. Has he been difficult?

Matt:
Well...he's been singing.

Tom (to Alex):
If you can't be a decent Sergeant, at least be a decent father!

Alex:
Come on, when was the last time you had something green?

Jonesy:
Oh...last night. We had a packet of spearmint leaves, didn't we mate?

Alex:
Eat your vegetables...Both of you!

[Rory makes a disgusted look at Jonesy.]

Jonesy:
Well, there's only one way I'm going to get through this.

[Jonesy grabs a tomato sauce bottle and squirts it onto the vegetables.]

Jonesy:
Beat the old dead horse...there you go, mate.

[He hands the bottle to Rory. Rory smiles as he squirts sauce on his vegetables.]

Jonesy (to Alex):
What?!

Joss:
Did he just skip?

Matt:
Or his pacemaker did.

[Old man goes into the old lady's house.]

Matt:
Let's get him...

Joss (stops him):
Nah, nah, nah. Hang on...it's not like he's gonna take all day.

[Joss and Matt laugh. Scene cuts to them waiting bored under an umbrella.]

Joss:
Well, he's got staying power, doesn't he?

Matt:
Oh, drop the act.

Old man (singing):
Take me baaaack...

Matt:
And no more singing!

Old man's son:
Didn't you say she had acute angina?

[Alex, Joss and Matt look at each other.]

Old man:
That's not what I said!

[Alex runs up as Rory is being wheeled into surgery.]

Alex:
Hey! Wait!

Rory:
Dad!

Tom:
Detective...there's something I need to talk to you about...

Kelly:
Rusty's arrived...Why's he here?

Amy:
While the cat's away...

Kelly:
Where is Garfield?

[Amy gives a confused look.]

Kelly:
Oh, the Boss.

Kelly:
I'm the rostered tea girl.

Amy:
Falcon-Price is on a fishing trip of his own, looking to drive a big wedge in the Boss' command.

Amy:
Where were you between 3 and 6 this morning, Mr. Rhodes?

Wayne:
Where do you think?! I was in bloody bed asleep!

Amy:
Alone?

Wayne:
Why...you interested?

Jonesy:
You got a big mouth, Rhodes.

Wayne:
Yeah, that's not all. Wayne looks at Amy You still interested?

Wayne:
I never met this chick before!

Wayne:
Wow! Amazing!

Falcon-Price:
I'm not Tom Croydon! In my book, families come first.

Amy:
Can I have a word, Inspector?

Amy:
I will find the proof I need, sir. He won't be walking the streets much longer.

Amy:
This is going to be such a pleasure.

Falcon-Price:
If one word of this gets out, you'll be on a charge and you can look forward to a fitting for a uniform!

Amy:
Bastard wants to take me on, fine!

Jonesy (laughs):
You're gonna go head to head with Falcon-Price?

Amy:
You don't think I could?

Jonesy:
It's not really a fair fight.

Amy:
If he gets hurt, he gets hurt.

Falcon-Price:
Don't stuff up my case!

[Kelly is searching Tom's office.]

Falcon-Price:
Something I can help you with?

Kelly:
Sir...Ah, sorry. I just wanted to look for the contractors so I can, you know, fix that phone for you.

Falcon-Price:
I think you'll find that the phone company does that.

Kelly:
Yeah, course...Another cup of tea?

Falcon-Price:
No.

Amy:
I want you to tell me exactly what happened.

Kelly:
There's nothing minor about cancer.

Kelly:
You never know with cancer, do you?

Falcon-Price (surprised):
No...you don't.

Joss:
Have a safe day, Ma'am!

Amy:
Maybe Alex can help you with this one.

Jonesy:
Well, what about you?

Amy:
Sorry, I got an appointment.

Jonesy:
So you get to have a life while the rest of us just work?

Amy:
Yeah I know, unfair, huh? *smirks* See ya!

Joss:
Do I get a receipt or...?

Ted:
Ticket, mate. We call them tickets.

Joss (while watching the race):
Go Blue Streak! Go Blue Streak! Go Blue Streak! C'mon! Oh, no, no, what are you doing you stupid bloody animal! C'mon RUN!

Amy (on the phone):
No, I've been babysitting...

Amy:
You've had surgery. You're in pain and you need to recover, which means letting other people help you. With as much grace as you can possibly muster.

Tom:
Finished?

Amy:
Yes, I have.

Mr. Marchand:
Oh, this is considerate of you.

Jonesy:
Excuse me?

Mr. Marchand (about Amy):
Bringing a pretty one with you.

Amy:
I'd like to know your movements, Mr. Marchand.

Mr. Marchand:
Bowel or bladder?

Amy (sighing):
Oh, Joss.

Amy:
The gun, Mr. Marchand.

Mr. Marchand:
Oh, no, mine's much bigger than that!

Amy (extrememly frustrated):
Listen to me you pathetic little man, I strongly suggest you stop the sad jokes and start taking this seriously.

Joss:
Just excuse me for one sec; I'm just gonna go kill myself.

Joss:
Just supposing a copper put some money on a race, and it turned out it was fixed...he'd be in the poo, wouldn't he?

Alex (to Matt):
I don't know whether to commend you for your bravery, or kick you up the arse for being so stupid!

Tom:
Chris? What are you doing here?

Chris:
Visiting an old friend.

Tom:
Amy told you?

Chris:
Actually, the paperboy told me; Amy merely confirmed it.

Tom:
I'll be in very good hands; I'm taking Acting Sergeant Kirby.

Alex:
What?

Tom:
I'll even let you drive!

Tom:
Looks like old and smart beats young and fit!

Kelly:
Bon Vi Vont? That's a bit classy for you, isn't it?

Joss:
That's right, because I'm a very classy person.

Amy:
Don't tell me you were outrun by a 19-year-old with a bad hangover?!

Jonesy:
He had a headstart!

Jonesy:
Do something!

[Searching near a dumpster.]

Joss:
C'mon, in you go...

Kelly:
No you go!

[Matt has just found the knife under the dumpster.]

Amy:
Good work, Matt. Shoot it and bag it.

Matt (to Kelly and Joss):
It was down there.

Joss:
Hope I get more of a reaction out of the Boss if I ever get stabbed.

Kelly:
So this Tilda...

[Awkward silence.]

Joss:
Oh, sorry, I thought there was going to be more to the question...Yes?

Kelly:
She's a bit...

Joss:
What?

Kelly:
...Outta your league.

Joss (scoffs):
How's that?

Kelly:
She's pretty classy.

Joss:
What, and I'm not?

Tilda:
My Z3 got broken into!

Kelly:
That's a car, right?

[Jonesy is pacing back and forth.]

Amy:
I'd kill for a coffee...

Jonesy:
Can we not talk about any sort of liquid?

Amy (laughs):
Just go behind a tree! Isn't that one of the main perks of being a man?

Matt:
Let's not do the running thing again.

Alex:
I could have ended up in the morgue. Then who would have looked after my kid?

Jonesy (about Alex):
He's still sedated. He doesn't know what he's saying.

Tom:
He knows exactly what he's saying. And I agree with him.

Alex:
I've said everything in my statement.

Jonesy:
Humour me.

[Amy walks in on Tom having a drink.]

Amy:
Is that such a good idea?

Tom:
Fifteen year old scotch is always a good idea.

Amy:
Maybe not after a prostate operation.

[Tom pushes scotch over his desk towards Amy.]

Amy:
What are we drinking to?

Tom:
No more talk about cancer, operations or anything to do with my health. Deal?

Amy:
Deal.

Kelly:
It's okay Joss. It's not going to explode.

Kelly:
I needed you!

Rory:
She likes me, she thinks I'm okay.

Alex:
You think she's okay too, don't you? Suuuuusie!

Alex:
You do realise he's got a bit of a crush on you?

Susie:
Yeah, I did pick it.

Alex:
I mean, I know it's harmless but anything you can do to let him down gently?

Susie:
Oh I don't think I'll have to that will I? He'll soon spot some grade five cutie that he fancies.

Matt:
Looks like you got yourself a bunch of junior deputies!

Amy:
Up, up and away!

Amy:
What's going on there?

Kelly:
Huh?

Amy:
Bit of chemistry?

Alex:
You haven't made a move on her, have you?

Joss:
Argh! Please!

Kelly:
You're an idiot, Peroni!

Joss:
Thanks.

Kelly (to Joss):
You alright, grandpa? You want me to get the walking frame?

Joss (crying):
My life is stuffed. I've been beaten to a pulp by my...some heavy guys I owe ten grand to and I can't given them bloody ten grand 'cause I'm so broke I can't even pay the bloody rent and now I don't even have a bloody place to live!

Chris:
Something stronger?

Kelly:
You have no idea what he just asked me to do.

Chris:
Men, all they think about is sex.

Kelly:
If only that was all.

Jonesy:
Sounds like the comic book guy from The Simpsons.

Alex (to Rory):
I can't remember how many times I've had my heart broken. It should all be in squidgy bits!

Rory:
I did make up the man. She must watch The Simpsons...how cool's that!

Kelly:
Chris, please explain to David why I could never have a relationship with Joss.

Chris:
Because she's not clinically insane.

Kelly:
You blink, you breathe, I shoot you.

Pilgrim:
Can someone please call this crazy bitch off me?!

Amy:
Thieves just hate payin' for stuff. That's why they become thieves.

Matt:
Oh, by the way, the going rate for a Saturday night off is now north of $30.

Kelly (to David):
He's joking.

Matt (to David about Kelly):
She has quite a temper on her, this one. Today, she came this close to blowing a man's head off.

Man with drugs:
I'll have your badge!

Kelly (to Matt):
Aw...he thinks he's in New York!

Gina:
First there's the thirst, then the munchies, then the nausea. It's a bit like opium.

Tom:
I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

Gina:
You didn't see this either.

[Gina kicks vending machine and a can of coke comes out.]

Tom:
I could arrest you for that.

[Gina offers Tom the drink, and he takes it.]

Gina:
Now you'd have to arrest yourself for accessory.

[Tom is talking about the defaced statue of General Thomas.]

Tom:
I never really did like that statue.

Jonesy:
I'm sorry if I've had anything to do with that.

Susie:
Don't flatter yourself.

Lily:
So who owns the house this week?

Matt:
You do.

Lily:
And the car?

Matt:
You do.

Lily:
And the million dollars?

Matt:
You do.

Susie:
That is the neatest graffiti I have ever seen! Who writes like that?!

Tom:
[to Adam] You couldn't even walk away from Mt. Thomas, what makes you think you can walk away from this?

Adam:
[to Tom]You could of just believed me. Although listening to other people's opinions was never really your strong suit was it, boss?

Chris:
[to Falcon-Price] You cause any strife in here and you're barred!

Tom:
You seriously expect me to come back to work for you?

Falcon-Price:
Unless you'd like to make my day.

[Kelly and Joss race for the car keys. Kelly finds them first.]

Kelly:
Ha, ha, ha!

Joss:
Give us the keys.

Kelly:
No way, you haven't let me drive for ages!

Joss:
That's because I'm concerned for your safety.

Kelly:
Well, suffer!

[Kelly and Joss race out of the station.]

Tom:
[to Adam] I was your boss and I failed you.

Tom (reading the letters coming up on Matt's notebook):
W, A...