Bob's Burgers, Season 4

Gene:
[about Bob's multitool] Could it kill an eagle?

Tina:
Why would we want to kill an eagle?

Gene:
I don't know. They're so condescending.

Teddy:
Mort, Teddy, what are you doing right now?

Mort:
Adjusting myself without anyone noticing.

Teddy:
Watching Mort adjust himself.

Tina:
Wait, what are you talking about? Who's "Upskirt Kurt"?

Teddy:
Oh yeah, I've heard of that guy. The macho seaplane pilot who beds bored housewives.

Gene:
What do you mean "beds"? He makes their beds?

Teddy:
No, Gene. Kurt is seducing your mommy.

Gene:
Hmmm.

Louise:
I hope he's a good listener because that bird loves to chirp.

Linda:
[to Bob] You should teach at my school.

Bob:
And you should work in my coal mine.

Gene:
"Upskirt Kurt." What a nickname! I mean, it rhymes, for one.

Upskirt Kurt:
Was mom even wearing a skirt? I can't remember.

Bob:
Shake a leg, Bob. Upskirt Kurt moves faster than this. He's not called "Kurt The Long, Slow Courtship Guy!"

Upskirt Kurt:
Why'd you headbutt me?!

Linda:
I was going to punch you, but I'm holding you.

Tina:
So I'm guessing you guys are not the top frat on campus.

Pud:
Nope. Our motto is, "If you rushed us, you'd be pledged by now."

Turd:
Worked on me.

Hefty Jeff:
We haze with hugs. Lot of good huggers in this group.

Pud:
Girls never come here.

Tina:
It's a man cave. And Tina's going spelunking.

[Bob tries to confront who put the Thanksgiving turkey in the toilet]

Bob:
So, really— no one wants to confess? Louise?

Louise:
It wasn't me!

Linda:
Louise...

Louise:
It wasn't!

Bob:
So no one—including Louise—wants to admit they did this? I'm giving you one more chance to confess, then I'm grounding everyone, including your mom and Gayle!

Linda:
Bobby!

Gayle:
No, it's okay. I didn't have any plans.

Linda:
Bob, come on. It was Louise. Or maybe Gene.

Gene:
[gasps] How dare you! I put food in the toilet the way God intended! It had to be Louise.

Louise:
Unbelievable. So everyone thinks I did it? Then I must be guilty. That's how it works, right!?

Gene:
Yep. Perfect system.

Bob:
I just want everyone to know that I've calmed down from this morning, and in the spirit of the holiday, whoever did this, I am granting you a full pardon!

(No one responds)

Bob:
Ugh, I really thought that would work! Seriously, who put the turkey in the toilet!?

[Gayle explains why she doesn't want to re-join Linda's band]

Gayle:
You never let me sing any of my songs.

Linda:
That's because your songs were all so... [whispers] ...sexual.

Tina:
Pardon?

Linda:
Plus, you had that speech impediment.

Gayle:
I know. I wrote a song about it called "G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-genitals."

Teddy:
I gotta go to my cousin's wedding this weekend and I'm dreading it.

Gene:
Oh. Is this the cousin you got to second base with?

Teddy:
No, that was my second cousin and it was third base.

Bob:
Kids are horrible. Why do we keep making them?

Mr. Platt:
If it's bigger than a bake sale, they call Michael Mauerman, and then they get me because I have his number now, and I shut it down!

Mr. Frond:
It's over, Bob. Caf-Co won. You're done.

Bob:
Meat is done. Not people!

Zeke:
Woah, I just got a little chill when he said that.

Zeke:
This will always be remembered—until people forget.

Linda:
It's Christmas Eve and our tree is dead! What are we gonna do, Bobby?

Bob:
I don't know, but we had to get it out of the house. It caught on fire twice. I guess we're just not going to have a tree this year.

Linda:
N-n-n-not have a tree!? On Christmas!?

Louise:
Where are the presents gonna go without no tree?

Gene:
We want a divorce!

[The Belchers park their car in the woods to avoid a menacing truck.]

Bob:
Okay, everyone just be quiet.

Gene:
Can I say just one thing?

Bob:
Gene...

Gene:
I think I have the best legs in the family. And the smoothest bottom.

Tina:
Mom...

Linda:
Yes, Tina?

Tina:
I was the one who didn't flush. Sorry.

Linda:
That's okay, Tina. It was impressive. It looked just like your father's.

Tina:
Thanks. That's what I was going for.

Louise:
Mom?

Bob:
Oh my God...

Louise:
Where do babies come from?

Linda:
You all came from my vagina.

Gene:
Ha! I knew it! Pay up, Tina!

Linda:
I can't believe Louise doesn't want to have a slumber party.

Bob:
Well, she's not the most social kid. She still hasn't accepted my friend request. And I know she's seen it.

Linda:
If she'd just do the things she hates, I know she'd love it.

Bob:
That sounds like nonsense.

Linda:
Nonsense, or Mom-sense?

Tina:
"Danger" is my middle name. But I spell it R-U-T-H.

Gene:
I'm having my own Super Bowl blowout this year. I'm holding all of my BM's until halftime, where I will make a "Super Bowel!"

Bob:
Gene, you can't hold your poops in, all right? You gotta set 'em free, so they can go down the sewer and find their families,

Gene:
I'm their family! I raised them!

[Bob tries to fund his commercial by withdrawing from his savings account.]

Banker:
[typing on his computer] This is an impressive savings account here.

Bob:
Yeah?

Banker:
And then, here's yours.

Bob:
Okay...

Banker:
[switching between the two screens] Good planning, careful saving... [Bob's account] ...no apparent plan, small random deposits.

Bob:
Okay, you've made your point.

Banker:
Good! I shouldn't even be showing you this other account, but I couldn't think of another way to help you.

Bob:
Actually, it's kind of hurtful.

Banker:
Aww!

Bob:
Look, I know I'm basically emptying my account, but it's for a good reason. I'll be in here soon depositing twice as much.

Banker:
Oh, that'll be fun! I'll have our vault enlarged.

Sandy "Can-Can" Frye:
Did someone here order an NFL legend? Because next door, they did not. And they yelled at me to leave. Hi, I'm Sandy!

Gene:
Where are our kids' projects? We can't find them.

Mr. Frond:
Oh...they're um...they're over there.

Tina:
You didn't point at anything. When you say "over there," you kind of have to point at something.

("Finger Quotes" throughout)

Mr. Frond:
The Superintendent is here and I'm already on thin ice with her because my "credentials" aren't "valid" in "this state."

Darryl:
Louise, relax! It's me, Darryl. Come with me if you want to continue to be alive.

Louise:
You know a lot about bat mitzvahs for someone who thought Chanukkah was Han Solo and Chewbacca's baby.

Tina:
Rumor has it this party will be packed with Beef-ohs.

Bob:
What are "Beef-ohs"?

Tina:
B-F-O-S; "Boys From Other Schools".

Bob:
What's wrong with the boys from your school?

Tina:
I need fresh faces. And fresh butts.

Gene:
You'll take the butts you're given and you'll like it!

(Bob and Linda need a babysitter.)

Bob:
Well, there's got to be someone who can watch the kids.

Teddy:
I'm someone.

Linda:
We could call your cousin Vanessa.

Bob:
She's in a cult.

Linda:
What, people in a cult can't babysit?

Teddy:
I'm not in a cult.

Bob:
Come on, there's got to be someone we're not thinking of. What about the checker from the grocery store? She said the kids were cute that one time.

Linda:
Ugh! She smells awful!

Teddy:
I think your kids are cute. I'd love to watch your kids!

Bob:
Teddy, have you ever babysat before?

Teddy:
Nope. But I'll bet I'd be good at it. And I wouldn't charge you guys anything.

Bob:
Uh, I don't know if...

Linda:
(Grabbing Bob's hand and walking him away) Alright, let's hit the friggin' road!

(On the Wine Train, Bob and Linda notice a wine taster making obnoxious noises as he drinks)

Linda:
Oh, that guy must really know what he's doing!

Bob:
Why, because he's slurping?

(After Linda invites him over...)

Bob:
Linda, no. I don't want to drink with that guy.

Linda:
Why? I do, Bobby. He's an expert!

Bob:
Well, I was looking forward to a relaxing day off. I wasn't even going to talk to you that much, to be honest.

Teddy:
Super-freaky, huh?

Bob:
What?

Teddy:
Linda was right about who was calling. And where Mort's wallet was. Two predictions in a row!

Gene:
Try a third one, Mom!

Linda:
Okay! The next person to walk in will be tall, dark and handsome.

Bob:
Um, *ahem*, I'm already here.

Gene:
Hehe, good one, Papa.

Bob:
Thank you, son.

Gene:
You're welcome.

(Marshmallow walks into the restaurant.)

Marshmallow:
Marshmallow in the house. Now put a burger in my mouth.

Bob:
Oh, hey, Marshmallow.

Linda:
*(gasps)* Tall, dark and handsome!

Gene:
That settles it: Mom's psychic!

Bob:
No she isn't! Marshmallow isn't handsome. She's....beautiful.

Marshmallow:
Blush!

(Teddy notices the "Equestra-Con" Flyer on the counter.)

Teddy:
Hey, Bob. You going to Equestra-Con?

Bob:
Uh, no, Teddy. Because that's a convention for little girls that like toy horses.

Teddy:
Beg to differ, Bob. It's for guys that like toy horses. They're called "Equesticles."

Bob:
"Equesticles"?

Teddy:
Yeah, 'cause they got testicles. 'Cause they're men.

(At the convention...)

Gene:
Does anyone else think these girls all look like men?

Louise:
I think they are men. This is a kind of man. We've discovered a new kind of man!

Gene:
Do you think they're dangerous?

(An "Equesticle" in full costume hums a happy tune while brushing his dolls hair.)

Louise:
N......no.

Louise:
Tina, did some guy just swindle you out of your toy horse?

Tina:
What? No! I mean, kind of. Why would you say that?

Louise:
(pointing at Bronconius) He just said it!

Linda:
Wha, who, wha, what's goin' on, wha?

Louise:
Tina got swindled!

Linda:
Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod!

Gene:
AAAHHHH! I told you we should have never left the food court!

Tina:
Look at what you've all become. You've betrayed the meaning of the Equestranauts. And I don't mean the sexually-charged, awkward, confusing vibe at this party. I'm a fan of sexually-charged, awkward, confusing things too. Like, for instance--

Bob:
[frowning] Tina.

Tina:
Sorry. But being an "Equesticle" means no judgment... right, Horseplay? I mean, you accepted me, and I don't even have testicles. Bronconius hijacked this thing you all love and tainted it. He's the real Xandar.

Bob:
I know who that is - he's the bad guy.

Bob:
All right, great, let's open that safe.

Bronconius:
Ha! You'll never get into that safe! The combination is based on an Equestranauts reference so obscure that only the smartest, most knowledgeable Equesticle in the world could figure it out! That Equesticle is me!

Bob:
[on the throne] Front desk?

[Cut to a hotel assistant opening the safe for Bob]

Hotel Assistant:
There you go.

Bronconius:
Oh. Well, that was... actually easy.

(The kids discover the lump of ambergris and its distinctive odor.)

Tina, Gene, Louise:
(sniff) Gross! (sniff) Great! (sniff) Gross! (sniff) Great!

Louise:
I can't stop smelling this enigma of gross-great!

Gene:
Is that what sex will be like?

Bob:
Did you get my messages about the bathroom? That I left you? For the last several months?

Mr. Fischoeder:
Yes, I got them. How the hell did you get my number?

Bob:
You gave it to me when we first met.

Mr. Fischoeder:
Not to use!

Linda:
Rich people run funny. Must be all the money in their pockets. Or their big, rich, golden wieners. Eh, it's probably their wieners.

(As Bob and Linda watch TV, Louise runs into their bedroom to retrieve the ambergris.)

Linda:
Hey, why are you going into our room?

Bob:
Probably putting something gross in our bed.

Louise:
I'm taking something gross out of your bed.

Bob:
Oh, okay.

Teddy:
Thanks, sweetie!

Dr. Yap:
Bob! Louise ran away!

Bob:
What!?

Dr. Yap:
She told me to wait ten mintues before I told you. But I'm a grown man, and she's a little girl. So I waited eight.

Bob:
You waited eight minutes to tell me my daughter ran away?

Dr. Yap:
Don't tell her I didn't wait the full ten!

(Bob and Linda plan their strategy against Louise)

Bob:
You know, I've never read any parenting books, but I'm pretty sure this isn't in them.

Linda:
Parenting books? There are parenting books?

Bob:
Yeah.

Linda:
I thought that was a joke.

Bob:
Nope.

Linda:
I should write a parenting book. Call it, "Hey You, I Saw That! Put It Back!"

Bob:
You should do that.

Linda:
I know, right? Make a fortune!