Bones, Season 11

Temperance "Bones" Brennan:
  [upon Seeley Booth taking a bite of her edible, gelatinous brain mould prop]  Whoa, Booth!  That wasn't a model; that was an actual brain I brought back from the lab.

Seeley Booth:
  Ugh, oh, God!

Temperance "Bones" Brennan:
  Gotcha!

Temperance "Bones" Brennan:
  Murder is never humourous unlike my prank which was objectively humourous.

Jack Hodgins:
  Pagan symbols, a headless corpses, Hallowe'en—is it just me, or is something other-worldly going on here?

Abbie Mills:
  [enters offscreen]  That sounds like our department.  [cuts to show Abbie Mills and Ichabod Crane standing at the door]

Abbie Mills:
  Benjamin Franklin invented Sex on the Beach?

Ichabod Crane:
  He called it Fondle in the Forest, but…

Abbie Mills:
  [laughing]  Now you're just making things up.

Ichabod Crane:
  You'll never know.

Pandora:
  Eternal rest is for unimportant men.  [resurrects General William Howe]

Abbie Mills:
  [on Pandora]  She wants to raise fear, and she has the perfect night: Hallowe'en.

Cam:
[to NSA Agent Gill] And I'm afraid I don't work for you, I don't answer to you and until I see a court order saying I have to share information with you, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the building.

Booth:
I'm not saying what Greystream Solutions does is right.

Brennan:
But you're saying you dislike what Vivian did as much as they do.

Booth:
Okay, and you're okay with what she did?

Brennan:
I take the long view, the historical view. George Washington, in his day, was considered a traitor.

Booth:
Oh, okay, well, now you're just trying to piss me off.

Brennan:
Washington was a British subject who led an army against his own country.

Booth:
It's not the same thing.

Brennan:
How do we know? Sitting here today, how do we know if history will look at Vivian Prince as a patriot agitating for change or a traitor to her country?

Booth:
You know what, I'm sorry, Bones, but it doesn't take me 200 years for me to know that she was wrong. I'll catch her killer, but Vivian Prince was wrong.

Cooper Blackthorne:
There's very little that I can disclose that isn't above your clearance level. I'm here purely as a courtesy.

Brennan:
Did you kill Vivian Prince?

Booth:
Bones, not exactly where I was gonna start.

Brennan:
Well, if he's being difficult, we might as well cut to the chase.

Blackthorn:
I like her style.

Booth:
I'll bring in Gill.

Hodgins:
Uh, no, you can't.

Brennan:
But we have to. He is very likely the last person to see Vivian alive.

Hodgins:
If you bring Gill in, whoever killed Vivian is gonna know who "The American" is. You might as well pull the trigger yourself.

Booth:
Well, maybe he should've thought of that before he committed treason.

Hodgins:
Booth, there's got to be some way you can meet with this guy and talk to him in secret.

Booth:
This guy put dozens of agents' lives in jeopardy. What, you want me to give him some kind of special treatment?

Hodgins:
He was trying to do the right thing.

Booth:
Stop right there, okay? You never served. You don't get the right to defend this guy.

Hodgins:
I'm just saying, Booth––

Booth:
[interrupts] What you're saying is that it's okay for this guy to put other people in danger. You know what? It's not.

Angela:
Oh, this is where the victim was before he died-- the Frontier Games. It's a weekend-long, role-playing, Old-West-style shooting competition.

[...]

Angela:
The next Frontier Games will be taking place this weekend.

Cam:
[sighs] Why do I have a feeling Booth already knows this?

[Aubrey, Brennan and Booth are at the diner]

Aubrey:
Undercover? Seriously?

Booth:
Well, the likely suspects are the participants. [hands Brennan some notes] Look.

Brennan:
85% of the competitors are repeat guests from all over the Eastern Seaboard.

Booth:
Which is exactly why we have to go undercover. Because if we don't, we're gonna have to coordinate branches in seven different states, we're never gonna find the suspects––

Aubrey:
Oh. You just want to dress up and play cowboy for the weekend.

Booth:
Yeah, well, if I can do that and solve a crime, why, who wouldn't want to do that?

Brennan:
[after Booth intentionally messes up in the shooting competition] You're not doing very well, Booth. You didn't even make the board.

Booth:
I'm not even trying.

Brennan:
I feel so foolish.

Booth:
Why do you feel so foolish?

Brennan:
All of this, all of it! Ah. It's so irrational. I mean, how could I think that flirting with another man and besting you at a game of skill would have a positive effect on our relationship?

Booth:
Wait a second. First of all, if you think I'm worried about you running off with some doughy guy who's dressed in some U.S. Marshal's outfit that's way too tight, you're wrong. Secondly, besting me? I'm a trained sniper. I could win this competition blindfolded. The only reason I'm not doing it is 'cause I don't want to raise any eyebrows.

[Aubrey turns up at the bar while a fight is going on.]

Booth:
Aubrey, what are you doing here??

Aubrey:
Isn't it obvious? I'm your posse!

Booth:
[shows his FBI credentials] There's a new sheriff in town, and his name is Special Agent Seeley Booth. And you're under arrest for the murder of Stanley Belridge.

Brennan:
And I'm not Wanda. I'm Dr. Temperance Brennan. I'm also the mother of his children. [sees Glen and Franny's crestfallen look] That's right. Sorry.

Hodgins:
[to Angela] I love us. So much. The three of us. We're like a tight little cocoon of love.

Booth:
[gets off the phone] Yeah, that was Aubrey. There was a body found in Columbia Heights.

Brennan:
So does this mean you'll be missing date night?

Booth:
Nah, Aubrey can take care of himself. Besides, I don't want to miss that whore sauce.

Brennan:
Will you please stop referring to the puttanesca as "whore sauce".

Booth:
I'm sorry but does puttanesca not mean "in the style of the whore" in Italian?

Brennan:
Yeah, it does, and every time I make it, I regret having told you that.

Booth:
Whore sauce.

Aubrey:
So what do my beautiful-brained colleagues have for me tonight?

Hodgins:
Might want to watch the way you talk about Cam's brain there, Aubrey. Wouldn't want her man overhearing.

Aubrey:
Oh, the, uh, photojournalist?

Cam:
His name is Sebastian, and he's not my man.

Hodgins:
[laughs] That's not what the smile on your face is saying.

Cam:
The smile on my face is saying "Mind your own business.

Brennan:
Are you sure you want to take this case, Booth?

Booth:
What are you talking about?

Brennan:
Aubrey may die.

Booth:
Don't talk like that! Aubrey is not gonna die.

Brennan:
He may, and if he does, I'm worried you'll react the same way you did when Sweets died.

Booth:
Okay, look, when Sweets died, I blamed myself. You understand? The weight of the guilt is what drove me to gamble again.

Booth:
The emotional recovery can be as tough as the physical one, but there's nothing more important than hope.

Wendell:
When I was diagnosed with Ewing's sarcoma, Booth told me giving up wasn't an option. That I had to fight.

Brennan:
That metaphorical concept will not give Dr. Hodgins the use of his legs. In fact, he may be offended by the very idea that he can fight his nerves back into growing, given the extreme unlikeliness of recovery.

Wendell:
My recovery was extremely unlikely but it happened.

Booth:
Boy, Hodgins would have been all over something like that.

Cam:
Yeah. But I sent him home. I just....I had to.

Booth:
Are you sure about that?

Cam:
It was the only responsible thing to do.

Booth:
Hodgins didn't have a choice about what happened to him. You should let him decide how he's going to come back from it.

Cam:
I couldn't forgive myself if anything more were to happen to him.

Booth:
I-I get that. But, you know, he should at least have the choice. I mean, work could actually give him hope.

Brennan:
I do not understand why you think Hodgins needs a misguided sense of optimism about his condition.

Booth:
Coffee?

Aubrey:
Not if we're still out of cinnamon.

Booth:
We work at the FBI, Aubrey. We don't put cinnamon in our coffee.

Aubrey:
Caroline, he brought those files home to block us from searching his place.

Caroline:
The fact he went to all that trouble says there's something to hide. He's a sneaky little word-I-shouldn't-say.

Aubrey:
[brings Booth a box of donuts] I figured some emotional eating might help. It's been a rough couple weeks for the Flyers.

Booth:
You know what, I'm pretty sure Bones is causing it.

Aubrey:
You think Dr. Brennan is a jinx?

Booth:
I don't know, you tell me. All right, the Flyers have lost the last six when she's watched with me.

Aubrey:
Oh, no, no, no, no, you need to nip this one in the bud, okay? Trust me, as a lifelong Cubs fan, jinxes are real.

Booth:
What am I supposed to do? Hmm? Tell her that she can't watch the Flyer games with me?

Aubrey:
Well, uh, sounds like a good start.

Booth:
Oh, wow, seriously. Bones is not gonna like it if I put hockey before her. That's bad news.

Aubrey:
Well, let me remind you that my all-time favorite baseball team hasn't made it to a World Series since 1945. You want a postseason, you may not have a choice.

Cam:
Dr. Hodgins, how is the car autopsy going? Or would it be an auto-topsy?

Hodgins:
I'd laugh, but the explosion must have paralyzed my sense of humor as well, but at least I figured out what started the fire.

Karen Walters:
Paul, I can take care of this.

Paul Walters:
No, there is only on thing you're going to do and that's keep your damn mouth shut.

Brennan:
Mrs. Walters, as a proponent for equality between sexes, I'm shocked you'd allow your husband to speak to you like that.

Paul Walters:
That one likes flapping her gums, doesn't she? You might want to get a muzzle on her.

Booth:
Outside.

Brennan:
That idea is not only misogynistic, it's downright sociopathic.

Paul Walters:
What can I say? All bitches need to be muzzled sometime.

Booth:
I suggest you stop talking before I do something we both regret.

Brennan:
Booth, stop. You could lose your job for striking a civilian. [punches Paul]

Booth:
Aw, Bones.

Brennan:
Whereas I might face disciplinary action at most.

Karen Walters:
I think his jaw is broken.

First Lawyer:
We'll be filing charges of criminal assault against this woman.

Second Lawyer:
As well as a civil suit.

Paul Walters:
I told you, she needs to be muzzled!

Brennan:
Actually, the problem isn't my mouth, it's yours.

Booth:
Look, if it's not a cup of coffee about this big, I'm not interested.

Aubrey:
Rough night, huh?

Booth:
Yeah, Christine, she's been having these really bad, Freddy Krueger-like nightmares about monsters in her closet.

[...]

Aubrey:
You want my advice?

Booth:
Your advice, right, because you're a single guy who knows how to deal with kids.

Aubrey:
No, trust me. Look, the key is that Christine's got to confront the monster head-on. She's got to get out of the bed, walk up to the closet, tell the monster to go bye-bye, or else her dad's going to put a cap in his ass.

Angela:
[about Hodgins] These days, he's not respectful to the living, so I'm not sure why the dead would be any different.

Hodgins:
Hey, what time is Brennan's hearing?

Jessica:
Wait, hearing? What hearing?

Angela:
I think it's going on right now.

Cam:
Brennan punched a suspect.

Hodgins:
That's a big no-no at the FBI.

Jessica:
Go, Dr. B! I knew there was a reason she's my hero.

Booth:
You missed? Wow. You've never kissed a girl before, Aubrey?

Aubrey:
What? No, of course I have. Lots of times. It's just...have you ever tried to do something, but the timing was just all off?

[...]

Booth:
You know what? You know, the first kiss is always awkward. There's lots of awkward moments. I mean, Bones and I, we had, uh, we had many awkward moments.

Aubrey:
Yeah, but now you're happily married.

Booth:
Yeah, but we wouldn't have been happily married if we gave up after that first awkward moment.

Booth:
You ever hear of a drug called a Wiley Monkey?

Aubrey:
Any relation to the coyote?

Cam:
It's easy to want to run away from things that scare you. Easier than trying to fight through the complications.

Aubrey:
You should step into the 21st century.

Booth:
You know what? The internet? It's for social idiots, people who don't have a life. Okay? I like to go out and bowl.

Booth:
This is the guy that Scott kicked out?

Aubrey:
Clearly wasn't because of his voice. That's like butter.

Booth:
It always comes down to food with you, doesn't it?

Brennan:
It's a tea made from ginger, fennel and anise.

Booth:
Certainly smells like that.

Brennan:
[sighs] Booth, I said "anise", not "anus".

Booth:
Smells like the other end, too.

Fisher:
Well, I'm afraid it's classified. But what I can tell you is that I travel extensively, and I'm always surrounded by young, nubile women.

Hodgins:
[greets Fisher happily] What are you doing here?

Fisher:
Consulting for the Secret Service, leading in Dr. Brennan's absence. Typical man of action stuff. [looks at Hodgins] Wow! I see Angela wasn't joking about you being paralyzed.

Hodgins:
Uh, no. No, not-not a joke. Just a lot of pain, misery and self-loathing.

Fisher:
Feelings in which I'm very well-versed.

Hodgins:
I do remember.

Booth:
This inquiry is related to an ongoing murder investigation. Just need to know why you've been spending so much time here at the range recently.

Travis:
I don't know. I guess since I've been back, this is the only place that makes sense.

Booth:
According to these files, you're pretty outspoken towards the president.

Travis:
Look, all I said was he didn't serve. And unless you serve, you shouldn't be allowed to send others off to die.

Booth:
Travis, I know how you feel. All right? I served. I was a Ranger. I saw things that that still stay with me. But it gets better.

[Hodgins and Dr. Oliver Wells are playing a video game in Hodgins' lab.]

Hodgins:
Hey, don't do no, no, Oliver, stop! Come on, man, you can't do that. You can't do multiple boosters, it's not fair.

Wells:
Your face isn't fair.

Hodgins:
[stares at Wells in disbelief] That doesn't even make sense.

Wells:
Your face doesn't make sense.

[...]

Wells:
Your face is so big that it creates non-Euclidian triangles of over 180 degrees around it.

Hodgins:
Is that right? Really?

Wells:
Yeah.

Hodgins:
Really? Okay, well, your face is so expansive that the lensing effect is such that a light passing within one astronomical unit has a radius of curvature of 6e to the ninth meter.

Wells:
[sarcastically] Ooh.

Cam:
[walking into Hodgins' lab] Am I interrupting?

Hodgins and Wells:
Yes!

Brennan:
So, the fractures on the calcaneus and cuboid of the right foot...

Booth:
Well, you know, sometimes hockey players block shots with their feet, but, you know, skates, they can only protect so much.

Brennan:
And the broken ribs?

Booth:
Well, there's cross-checking. I mean, being slammed into the boards, not to mention all the fighting that there is in hockey.

Brennan:
[impressed] This is very useful, Booth. You're practically an intern on the case.

Booth:
All right, stop. Not an intern, don't call me an intern, don't even think about calling me a squint, all right? I just happen to know a little bit about hockey.

Aubrey:
Socks, they're like Social Security numbers and diapers. Should only have one owner.

[Cam shows her engagement ring.]

Angela:
[squeals] Wow, it's the engagement ring. Arastoo did good.

Brennan:
I agree. As far as well-marketed minerals masquerading as good investments go, this is exquisite.