Broke

Sammy:
Who is it?

Jackie:
It's your Aunt Elizabeth and Uncle Javier.

Sammy:
Oh, you mean Aunt Hoity and Uncle Toity.

Jackie:
I already have one child, I don't need two more. If you guys are gonna live here, you're gonna have to contribute.

Elizabeth:
[chuckling with Javier] And where do you think we're gonna get the money to do that?

Jackie:
Get jobs!

Elizabeth:
Dancing around things is how wealthy people discuss all uncomfortable topics. The key is to be indirect.

Javier:
So for instance, if a friend had plastic surgery, we would never just ask them.

Elizabeth:
Right, you would say something like, your face looks amazing! Have you been working out?

Luis:
Let me clarify: Javier is an amazing artist but he's never been great at painting hands, hence the modesty birds.

Javier:
I don't need you looking out for me, Luis. I am not a child! I'm a grown man with child-like wonder.

Jackie:
Hey, you wanna play pool?

Luis:
Sure, but I should warn you: I'm an excellent pool player.

Jackie:
Then I should warn you: I cheat.

Javier:
Mi Corazon, why don't you join us downstairs?

Elizabeth:
Oh, I'd love to, but I'm currently upstairs.

Jackie:
God has nothing to do with sports!

Luis:
Agreed! The only person you're ever competing against is yourself. Ignore the pain. Look ahead and give it everything you've got. Luke, 11:15.

Javier:
I'm not familiar with that Bible passage.

Luis:
Oh, it's not from the Bible. My spin instructor, Luke said that at his 11:15 class.

Javier:
Well, God does not have favorites, but God does have a sweet spot for Mexicans. How else can you explain that we ended up with the best music and the best food?

Luis:
[in Spanish] And the best hair.

Javier:
[in Spanish] And the best movie directors, but we shouldn't brag.

Elizabeth:
Or *she* could do it. Think I blew your mind with that? I'm just getting started. Now, Christians, they might believe 'I didn't win this game but I will win the game in the World Cup'. Jewish people might be full of guilt and they'll say, 'It's my fault we lost the game, no it's my fault, no it's my fault.' While Buddhists, they might ask was there even a game to begin with.

Sammy:
But there *was* a game.

Elizabeth:
Was there?

[mimes her mind being blown]

Jackie:
You know what's really frustrating? It's almost impossible to stay mad at you.

Javier:
It's probably my worst quality.

Elizabeth:
I had to lose a lot of skills to be rich.

Luis:
Well, when I want Javier to shift his focus, I distract him with something shiny and new. He's like a kitten in that way. Also in the sounds he makes when he is napping. [in a high pitched voice] Meow meow.

Elizabeth:
Wait - what the hell are we doing?

Luis:
Are we talking nice about our fathers?

Elizabeth:
This wine's making us soft! I am not ready to let him off the hook!

Luis:
Well, I am not ready to stop drinking, so let's just power through this!

Elizabeth:
Fighting is always the last resort you go to. Like a Sandals resort in the Bahamas.

Luis:
My father spoiled me. He bought me my first three piece suit. Ooh! I was the best dressed kid at preschool.

Ramona:
Betting against this team every week just got a little more interesting... and a lot more sexy!

Elizabeth:
That's my husband.

Ramona:
For now.

Luis:
Well, you know Javier has a way with words, by which I mean the kids have no idea what he's talking about.

Jackie:
Javi's so great with Sammy. Why can't he just be that guy with the team?

Elizabeth:
It's weird but when it comes to soccer, Javi just turns into some sort of incomprehensible Latin beat poet.

Elizabeth:
What do you always say when faced with a tough decision?

Javier:
Why choose? Let's buy both.

Elizabeth:
The other thing you always say.

Javier:
Ahh. What would Luis do?

Javier:
Mi vida, I have a great plan to combine the defense of the Brazilian national team Joga Bonito with the offense of Real Madrid, and it will work as long as I can get Jasper to stop chasing butterflies.

Luis:
You okay?

Jackie:
Not really. I was trying to play it all nice with Barry so he would go for the sole custody thing, and I wrecked it.

Luis:
Yes, I heard. Then you dropped the L bomb on Javier. He was quite touched. It is all over his Instastory.

Jackie:
I don't trust guys with beards.

Luis:
I have a beard.

Jackie:
If we were dating, you wouldn't.

Elizabeth:
That's one thing I love about you. You always do the right thing after you do the wrong thing.

Elizabeth:
What's everybody doing up?

Jackie:
It's 1:00 in the afternoon.

Elizabeth:
Oh, I hate when I wake up before my alarm!

Javier:
Don't worry, Sammy. Everything will work itself out.

Sammy:
How?

Javier:
Well... I wasn't expecting a follow up question.

Jackie:
Are there even 50 different colors of clay?

Elizabeth:
Jackie, please. I have 50 different colors of red lipstick.

Jackie:
All I've ever done is support you! I'm like your human jock strap!

Elizabeth:
Wow, there's not much space between meeting and consummating our relationship.

Javier:
That was a great day.

Elizabeth:
It was a great brunch.

Barry:
The truth is, she never supported me.

Luis:
Didn't she support you financially?

Barry:
Whose side are you on, man?

Luis:
Jackie's. Very clearly, Jackie's.

Elizabeth:
You're so sexy when you listen to me.

Jackie:
It used to be if a problem came our way, we could just throw money at it. Now we roll our own quarters like animals!

Jackie:
It's cinco de mayo.

Elizabeth:
I'm taking a test at school.

Javier:
It's mi papa.

[final lines]