Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 5

Buffy:
So let me get this straight. You're... Dracula. The guy. The Count.

Dracula:
I am.

Buffy:
And you're sure this isn't just some fanboy thing? Because... I've fought more than a couple of pimply overweight vamps that called themselves Lestat.

Dracula:
You know who I am. As I would know without question that you are Buffy Summers.

Buffy:
You've heard of me?

Dracula:
Naturally. You're known throughout the world.

Buffy:
Naw. Really?

Dracula:
Why else would I come here? For the sun? I came to meet the renowned... killer.

Buffy:
Yeah, I prefer the term Slayer. You know, killer just sounds so...

Dracula:
Naked?

Buffy:
Like I... paint clowns or something. I'm the good guy, remember?

Dracula:
Perhaps, but your power is rooted in darkness. You must feel it.

Buffy:
No. You know what I feel? Bored.

[She attempts to stake Dracula, but he repeatedly dissipates into mist to avoid her]

Buffy:
Okay. That's cheating.

Riley:
What can you tell me about Dracula?

Spike:
Dracula? [scoffs] Poncy bugger owes me £11, for one thing.

Riley:
You know him?

Spike:
Know him? We're old rivals. But then he got famous, forgot all about his foes. I'll tell you what - that glory hound's done more harm to vampires than any Slayer. His story gets out, and suddenly everybody knows how to kill us, the mirror bit...!

Riley:
But he's not just a regular vampire. He has special powers, right?

Spike:
Nothing but showy Gypsy stuff. What's it to you, anyway?

Riley:
He's in town, making his presence known.

Spike:
[more intrigued] Drac's in Sunnydale? Guess the old boy needed closure after all.

Dracula:
I knew you'd come.

Buffy:
Why? Because I'm under your thrall? [suddenly comes back to herself and pulls out her stake] Well, guess again, pal.

Dracula:
Put the stake down.

Buffy:
OK. [puts it down, then looks at her hand in surprise] Right. That... was not... you. [sounding unconvinced] I did that. I did that because ... I wanted to.

[Dracula watches her]

Buffy:
[looks nervously around her] Maybe I should rethink that thrall thing. [whimpers a little]

Xander:
Where is he?! Where's the creep that turned me into his spider-eating man-bitch?

Buffy:
He's gone.

Xander:
Dammit! You know what? I'm sick of this crap! I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt-monkey!

Buffy:
Check. No more butt-monkey.

[as the mist coalesces into Dracula, Buffy re-stakes him.]

Buffy:
You think I don't watch your movies? You always come back.

[Dracula turns to dust again, but the mist begins to reform on the ground]

Buffy:
I'm standing right here!

[The mist dissipates completely this time]

[Dawn is writing in her diary.]

Dawn:
[voice over] I-I could so save the world if somebody handed me superpowers! But I-I'd think of a cool name and wear a mask to protect my loved ones. Which Buffy doesn't even!

Buffy:
So Giles and I worked out a whole schedule around school, a block of time every day just to focus on my new Slayer training.

Willow:
That's a work ethic! Buffy, you're developing a work ethic!

Buffy:
Oh no, do they make an ointment for that?

Willow:
People gotta respect a solid work ethic.

...

Buffy:
So... I won't be taking drama with you.

Willow:
What? You have to, you promised!

Buffy:
Well, I know, but Giles says that it just -

Willow:
The hell with Giles!

Giles:
I can hear you, Willow.

Willow:
Drama is just Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, you can blow off training Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, can't you?

Buffy:
What happened to you people gotta respect a work ethic?

Willow:
Other people, not me! There's a whole best-friend loophole!

[Xander and Anya are playing Life with Dawn.]

Anya:
Crap! Look at this. I'm burdened with a husband, and several tiny pink children, and more cash than I can reasonably manage…

Xander:
That means you're winning.

Anya:
Really?

Xander:
Yes. Cash equals good.

Anya:
Oh! [claps] I'm so pleased! Can I trade in the children for more cash?

[Buffy, having killed Harmony's vampire minions, grabs an ax to cut Dawn free from her chains.]

Buffy:
You are going to be in so much trouble when we get home! [swings ax]

Dawn:
Yeah, well, I'm telling Mom you slayed in front of me.

Buffy:
Fine! I'll just tell her that you ran out of the house in the middle of the night! [swings ax] That you got Anya hurt! [swings ax] Invited a vampire in! [swings ax] Got kidnapped! ...

[Giles and Buffy tour the magic shop Giles is about to buy]

Buffy:
Giles, are you sure about this?

Giles:
Why wouldn't I be?

Buffy:
Well, aside from the fact that most magic shop owners in Sunnydale have the life expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer... and have you ever run a store before?

Giles:
I was a librarian for years. This is exactly the same, except people pay for the things they don't return. It'll give me focus, increase my resources. And it'll prevent you lot from trampling all over my flat at all hours. There may even be some space for you to train in the back.

Buffy:
Boy, you've really thought this through... How bored were you last year?

Giles:
I watched "Passions" with Spike. Let us never speak of it.

[Buffy breaks out laughing as she follows Giles into a back room]

[Xander is leaving a message on the phone.]

Xander:
Anya, you there? Look, I know you're still mad, but I figure you're probably sitting there pretending you're not home but listening anyway.

[cut to Anya, who is doing just that.]

Anya:
Am not.

Willow:
You have to help me figure this out, you know.

Xander:
But I never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me.

Willow:
That's not true, sometimes we all help to save you... And-and sometimes you're not in trouble.

...

Xander:
Hey, wait 'til you have an evil twin, see how you handle it.

Willow:
I handled it fine.

Buffy:
Well, if this guy wants to fight with weapons, I've got it covered from A to Z - from 'axe' to... 'zee other axe'.

Anya:
Well maybe we shouldn't do this re-integration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home and we can all have sex together, and then, you know, just slap 'em back together in the morning.

Cool Xander:
She's joking.

Loser Xander:
No she's not! She entirely wants to have sex with us together, which is wrong and... and it would be very confusing.

Giles:
We just need to arrange the candles; also, we should continue to pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk.

Willow:
Check. Candles and pretense.

...

Anya:
Well, what do we do if it doesn't work?

Both Xanders:
[simultaneously] Kill us both, Spock! [both laugh]

Buffy:
They're... kinda the same now.

Giles:
Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself.

[Xander is moving out of the basement.]

Xander:
I just thought you could help carry a little.

Anya:
Me? [pouts] Buffy has super-strength. Why don't we just load her up, like one of those little horses?

Xander:
Anya. Please.

Anya:
Fine. I'm just your slave.

Buffy:
Spike, I just saw you taste your own nose blood. You know what? I'm too grossed out to hear anything you have to say. Go home.

Spike:
It's blood. It's what I do!

Spike:
I will know your blood, Slayer. I will make your neck my chalice... and drink deep. [turns around and falls into an open grave] Ow!

Buffy:
I so don't want to deal with Spike right now. The guy is really starting to bug me in that special "I want to shove something wooden through his heart" kind of way.

Spike:
Buffy, Buffy, Buffy! Everywhere I turn she's there! That nasty little face, that bouncing shampoo-commercial hair, that whole sodding holier-than-thou attitude.

Harmony:
Well, aren't we unholy by definition?

Spike:
She follows me, you know, tracks me down. I'm her pet project. Drive Spike around the bend. Makes every day a fresh bout o' torture! [Spike throws a lapid and break it]

Harmony:
Spike?!

Doctor:
[To Harmony] You can't smoke in here

Harmony:
[Holding a Crossbow] Oh yeah, says who? [Doctor points to a "No Smoking" sign] Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I didn't see the sign.

Big Vampire:
I've always wanted to kill the Slayer.

Buffy:
And I've always wanted piano lessons. So really... who's surprised we've got this unexpressed rage? But honestly, I think I express mine better. Tell you what... you find yourself a good anger management class, and I'll jam this pokey wood stick through your heart.

Buffy:
[pulls a glowing orb out of her bag] What the hell is it?

Giles:
It appears to be paranormal in origin.

Willow:
How can you tell?

Giles:
Well, it's so shiny.

Anya:
[to a customer who just finished her purchase] Please go.

Xander:
Anya, the Shopkeepers Union of America called. They wanted me to tell you that "Please go" just got replaced with "Have a nice day."

Anya:
But I have their money. Who cares what kind of day they have?

Xander:
No one. It's just a long cultural tradition of raging insincerity. Embrace it.

Buffy:
What are you doing here? [Spike begins to answer] Five words or less.

Spike:
[Pauses, then, counting on his fingers] Out... for... a... walk... bitch.

Buffy:
Out for a walk by my house at night. I don't have time for this, William.

Spike:
On your merry way, then. Contrary to one's self involved world view, your house happens to be directly between... parts and... other parts of this town. And I would pass by in the day but I feel I'm outgrowing my burst into flames phase.

Buffy:
Fine. Keep going. I'll cut you a break.

Spike:
Let me guess. You won't kill me. The whole crowd pleasing threats and swagger routine. Outstandingly original. You know, I was just passing through. Satisfied? I hope so because God knows you need some satisfaction in your life besides shagging Captain Cardboard. And... and I never really liked you anyway. And... and you have stupid hair.

Glory:
And another thing I just want you to know, this whole "beat you to death" thing I'm doing? This is valuable time out of life I'm never gonna get back.

...

Glory:
Wait, I've always wanted to try this. You know that thing with worms, where if you have one and you rip it in half, you get two worms. Do you think that'll work with you? [Buffy headbutts her] Ow! You hit me. What are you crazy? You can't go around hitting people. What were you, born in a barn? Fine, be that way! [grabs Buffy by the throat] I just noticed something, you have superpowers, that is so cool. Can you fly? [throws Buffy across the room]

Buffy:
Well, this earns you a big favor. There could be outfits.

Tara:
You learn her source [grins] and, uh, we'll introduce her to her insect reflection.

[Everyone stares in confusion. Tara stops smiling.]

Tara:
Um, that-that was funny if you, um, studied Taglarin mythic rites… [quietly] and are a complete dork.

Riley:
Oh, then how come Xander didn't laugh?

Xander:
I don't know that Taglarin stuff.

Giles:
You're in a magic shop, and you can't think what Tara would like. I believe you're both profoundly stupid.

Xander:
Well, we don't really know what kind of things witches like. What, are we gonna get her some cheesy crystal ball?

Giles:
You bloody well better not. I've got mine already wrapped.

Buffy:
You want her, Mr. Maclay? You can go ahead and take her. You just gotta go through me.

Mr. Maclay:
What?

Buffy:
You heard me! You wanna take Tara out of here against her will? You gotta come through me.

Dawn:
And me!

Mr. Maclay:
Is this a joke? I'm not gonna be threatened by two little girls!

Dawn:
You don't wanna mess with us.

Buffy:
She's a hair-puller.

Giles:
And you're not just dealing with two little girls.

Xander:
You're dealing with all of us.

Spike:
Except me.

Xander:
Except Spike.

Spike:
I don't care what happens.

Mr. Maclay:
This is insane. You people have no right to interfere with Tara's affairs. We are her blood kin! Who the hell are you?

Buffy:
We're family.

Xander:
[re: Riley's commando hand movements] What's with the hand move? D'you see that? Does that, like, mean somethin'?

Willow:
It's code. I think it breaks down to "choo-choo." [mimics pulling a train whistle]

Anya:
It probably means to follow him. That, or wait here for him.

Xander:
Hey Riley! What's the [Mimics gesture] all about?

Riley:
It means yell real loud, so the vampires who don't know we're coming will have a sporting chance.

Buffy:
Look, I realize that every Slayer comes with an expiration mark on the package. But I want mine to be a long time from now. Like a Cheeto. If there were just a few good descriptions of what took out the other Slayers, maybe it would help me to understand my mistake, to keep it from happening again.

Giles [uncomfortable with the topic]:
Yes, well, the problem is after a final battle, it's difficult to get any... well, the Slayer's not... she's rather...

Buffy:
It's OK to use the D-word, Giles.

Giles:
Dead. And hence, not very forthcoming.

Buffy:
Why didn't the Watchers keep fuller accounts of it? The journals just stop.

Giles:
Well, I suppose if they're anything like me they just find the whole subject too-

Buffy:
Unseemly? Damn, love ya, but you Watchers are such prigs sometimes.

Giles:
Painful, I was going to say. [Giles and Buffy are very quiet for a moment] But you're right; accounts of the final battles would be very helpful. But there's no one left to tell the tales.

[Buffy has a sudden revelation]

Giles:
What?

Spike:
Lesson the first: a Slayer must always reach for her weapon. [morphs into vampire face] I've already got mine.

Spike:
How many of my kind do you think you've done?

Buffy:
Not enough.

Spike:
Mm-hmm. And we just keep comin'. But you can kill a hundred, a thousand, a thousand thousand and the armies of Hell besides, and all we need is for one of us, just one, sooner or later, to have the thing we're all hoping for.

Buffy:
And that would be what?

Spike:
[whispers in her ear] One... good... day.

Spike:
The first was all business, but the second -- she had a touch of your style. She was cunning, resourceful... oh, did I mention? Hot. I could have danced all night with that one.

Buffy:
You think we're dancing?

Spike:
That's all we've ever done. And the thing about the dance is, you never get to stop. Every day you wake up, it's the same bloody question that haunts you: "Is today the day I die?" Death is your art. You make it with your hands, day after day. That final gasp. That look of peace. Part of you is desperate to know: "What's it like? Where does it lead you?" And now, you see, that's the secret. Not the punch you didn't throw, or the kicks you didn't land. She merely wanted it. Every Slayer... has a death wish.

[in a flashback, Spike snaps Nikki's neck]

Spike:
Even you. The only reason you've lasted as long as you have is you've got ties to the world...your mum, your brat kid sister, the Scoobies. They all tie you here, but you're just putting off the inevitable. Sooner or later, you're gonna want it. And the second- the second - that happens...You know I'll be there. I'll slip in... have myself a real good day. Here endeth the lesson. I just wonder if you'll like it as much as she did.

Xander:
Am I right, Giles?

Giles:
I'm almost certain you're not, but to be fair, I wasn't listening.

Anya:
I for one didn't want to start my day with a slaughter... Which really just goes to show how much I've grown!

[Anya is looking over the day's receipts]

Anya:
Hey. Hey! HEY! HEY!!!

Giles:
Anya, your "heys" are startling the customers.

Xander:
And pretty much the state!

Anya:
You sold somebody a Kohl's amulet and a Sobekian bloodstone!

Giles:
Yes, I believe I did.

Anya:
Are you stupid or something?

Giles:
Allow me to answer that question with a firing.

Xander:
She's kidding. An, we talked about the employee-employer vocabulary no-nos. That was number five.

Xander:
Just once I would like to run into a cult of bunny worshippers.

Anya:
Great! Thank you very much for those nightmares.

Spike:
Okay, how 'bout this one. Twice in recent memory, she's had the lover-wiccas do a deinvite on the house. Keep out specific vamps. Ever ask yourself why she's never taken my name off the guest list?

Riley:
Because you're harmless.

Spike:
Oh yeah, right. Takes one to know, I suppose. Least I still got the attitude. What do you got, a piercing glance? Face it, white bread. Buffy's got a type, and you're not it. She likes us dangerous, rough, occasionally bumpy in the forehead region. Not that she doesn't like you ... but sorry Charlie, you're just not dark enough.

Dr. Kriegel:
Joyce, there's no reason to get upset.

Joyce:
No reason to get upset? Oh, right, sorry, I must just think there is because of my brain tumor!

Riley:
Oh, that might be toxic, don't touch it.

Xander:
Oh yeah, touching it was my first impulse. Luckily, I've moved on to my second, which involves dry-heaving and running like hell.

Willow:
Something evil crashed to earth in this and then broke out and ... slithered away to do badness.

Giles:
In all fairness, we don't really know about the slithered part.

Anya:
Oh, no. I'm sure it frisked about like a fluffy lamb.

Xander:
Look at how teeny Mercury is compared to, like, Saturn. Whereas in contrast, the cars of the same name...

Giles:
Xander, please, we have work to do.

Xander:
I still don't get why we had to come here to get info about a killer snot monster.

Giles:
Because it's a killer snot monster from outer space... I did not just say that.

Joyce:
Dawn... she's not mine is she?

Buffy:
No.

Joyce:
She's... she does belong to us though.

Buffy:
Yes she does,

Joyce:
And she's important... to the world, precious. As precious as you are to me... Then we have to take care of her. Buffy, promise me, if anything happens, if I don't come through this-

Buffy:
Mom-

Joyce:
No, listen to me. No matter what she is, she still feels like my daughter. I have to know that you'll take care of her, that you'll keep her safe, that you'll love her like I love you.

Buffy:
I promise.

Dawn:
Alone time always translates into let's get Dawn out of the house so we can have loud, obnoxious sex.

Anya:
[to Xander] Does that mean we can't?

Anya:
That's so very humorous. Make fun of the ex-demon! I can just hear you in private: [speaking to a chicken foot] "I dislike that Anya. She's newly human and strangely literal."

Willow:
Anya, I don't say that. No one says that. No one talks that way.

Spike:
Look at you, all afraid I'm hot for your honey.

Riley:
Because you are.

Spike:
Well, yeah. But that's not your problem, even if I wasn't in the picture you're never going to be able to hold onto her. [Riley sticks his finger into the hole he's just made in Spike's chest] Oh! Bloody hell!

Riley:
Maybe I didn't almost kill you enough.

Riley:
They want me back Buffy, the military. It's deep undercover. No contact with civilians. Transport's leaving tonight.

Buffy:
Tonight? When were you going to tell me about this?

Riley:
I'm telling you now.

...

Riley:
I'm leaving, Buffy. Unless you give me reason to stay.

Buffy:
What more do you want from me Riley? I've given you everything I have. My heart, my body and soul... and if that isn't enough for you then we really have a problem

Xander:
[to Anya] I've gotta say something, 'cause I don't think I've made it clear. I'm in love with you. Powerfully, painfully in love. The things you do, the way you think, the way you move. I get excited every time I'm about to see you. You make me feel like I've never felt before in my life... like a man. I just thought you might like to know.

Anya:
Well, I get to run the store, right?

Giles:
[alarmed] You? Ah, w-well, it's quite a lot for one person to take care of.

...

Willow:
We can come by between classes. Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens, but it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know, insane.

Tara:
I said "quirky."

...

Giles:
Um, Anya, while, while I completely trust you uh, uh, to take care of the inventory and the money, um ... dealing with people requires a certain, uh ... finesse.

Anya:
[angrily] I have finesse! I have finesse coming out of my bottom! I can completely lie to the health inspector. I can, you know, distract him with coy smiles, and-and bribe him with money and goods.

Xander:
See there? She'll be great.

Willow:
Don't worry, Giles. I'll help her take care of everything. It'll be ship-shape. Better, it'll be shop-shape.

Olaf:
You do well to flee, townspeople! I will pillage your lands and dwellings! I will burn your crops and make merry sport with your more attractive daughters, mark my words!

Spike:
Hey, watch it, mate.

[Spike turns to look up at Olaf. Both he and Xander stare.]

Spike:
On second thought, do what you like.

...

Xander:
So, uh, think I should run and get Buffy?

Olaf:
Barmaid, bring me stronger ale, and some plump, succulent babies to eat.

Xander:
I'm gonna run and get Buffy. Or maybe you could fight him.

Spike:
Yeah, I could do that, but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much.

Willow:
Trying to send him to a specific place is sort of like, like... trying to hit a puppy by throwing a live bee at it. Which is a weird image and you should all just forget it.

Anya:
It's possible that he's in the land of perpetual Wednesday, or the crazy melty land, or, you know, the world without shrimp.

Tara:
There's a world without shrimp? [pause] I-I'm allergic.

Giles:
I cringe to think what the place would have looked like if I'd been away for longer than three days.

Buffy:
Well, maybe we would have had time to clean it up. You know, if Willow used some magicks to help.

Giles:
Yes, 'cause nothing could possibly go wrong with that.

Tara:
W-what's so bad about them coming here? Aren't they good guys? I mean, watchers: that's just like other Giles-es, right?

Buffy:
Yeah, they're scary and horrible!

Nigel:
I need to know a little bit more about the Slayer, and about the both of you. Your relationship, whatever you can tell me.

Tara:
O-o-our relationship?

Willow:
We're friends.

Tara:
Good friends.

Willow:
Girlfriends, actually.

Tara:
Yes, we're girlfriends.

Willow:
We're in love. We're... lovers. [puts hand on Tara's knee] We're lesbian, gay-type lovers.

Nigel:
I meant your relationship with the Slayer.

Tara:
[hastily] Um, just good friends. [Willow takes her hand off Tara's knee.]

Buffy:
Remember,-

Spike:
Yeah, yeah. "Hurt them and I'll stake you good and proper". Sing me a new one sometime. That one's gone stale.

Buffy:
I've had a lot of people talking at me the last few days. Everyone just lining up to tell me how unimportant I am. And I've finally figured out why. Power. I have it. They don't. This bothers them. Glory ... came to my home today.

Giles:
[alarmed] Buffy, are you-

Buffy:
Just to talk. She told me I'm a bug, I'm a flea, she could squash me in a second. Only she didn't. She came into my home, and we talked. We had what in her warped brain probably passes for a civilized conversation. Why? Because she needs something from me. Because I have power over her. You guys didn't come all the way from England to determine whether or not I was good enough to be let back in. You came to beg me to let you back in. To give your jobs, your lives some semblance of meaning.

...

Buffy:
You're Watchers. Without a Slayer, you're pretty much just watchin' Masterpiece Theater. You can't stop Glory. You can't do anything with the information you have except maybe publish it in the Everyone Thinks We're Insane-O's Home Journal. So here's how it's gonna work. You're gonna tell me everything you know. Then you're gonna go away. You'll contact me if and when you have any further information about Glory. The magic shop will remain open. Mr. Giles will stay here as my official Watcher, reinstated at full salary...

Giles:
[coughing] Retroactive.

Buffy:
Just tell me what kind of demon I'm fighting.

Quentin Travers:
Well, that's the thing, you see. Glory isn't a demon.

Buffy:
What is she?

Quentin:
She's a god.

Buffy:
Oh.

Willow:
Well, you know what they say, the bigger they are-

Anya:
The faster they stomp you into nothing.

Buffy:
How was school today?

Dawn:
The usual, big square building filled with boredom and despair.

Buffy:
Just how I remember it.

Dawn:
I just think you're freakin' out 'cause you have to fight someone prettier than you. That is the case, right?

Buffy:
Glory is evil. And powerful. And in no way prettier than me.

[Spike is sitting on a coffin, painting his nails when Buffy comes in]

Spike:
Morning sunshine, if you've come round for eggs and sausages, afraid I'm fresh out.

[Buffy pulls the top of the coffin from under him]

Spike:
Careful, these are wet.

Buffy:
Are you okay? Did she hurt you?

Dawn:
Why do you care?

Buffy:
Because I love you, you're my sister.

Dawn:
No I'm not.

Buffy:
Yes you are. [holds Dawn's hand] It's blood, Summers blood, it's just like mine. It doesn't matter where you came from, or how you got here, you are my sister. There's no way you could annoy me so much if you weren't.

...

Buffy:
I have to get you back home though, Mom's freaking out.

Dawn:
Oh, is she mad about the whole fire thing?

Buffy:
I think you sort of have a "Get out of jail free" card on account of big love and trauma.

Dawn:
Really? Okay, good. Do you think she'd raise my allowance?

Buffy:
Don't push it.

Xander:
The point is, I work hard for that money.

Spike:
And you're saying I didn't?

Xander:
You stole it.

Spike:
And you're making it into very hard work!

Buffy:
Spike, finish the story you were telling my little sister.

Spike:
Right, so I knew the little girl was in the coal bin so I ripped it open very violently... and gave her to a nice family where they were never ever mean to her and didn't lock her in a coal bin.

Buffy:
What... is this? The late-night stakeout, the bogus suspects, the flask? Is this a date?

Spike:
A d-Please! A date? You are completely off your bird! I mean... do you want it to be?

Harmony:
Who is-? Oh wait, I get it. Our little sex game was just the beginning, now you've gone and picked up some cheap queen of the damned to dress up like your precious Drudzilla.

Spike:
Harm-

Harmony:
You'd better not be thinking what I think you're thinking, because my answer is the same as always. No threesomes unless it's boy, boy, girl, or Charlize Theron.

Spike:
Harm, you moron, this is Drusilla.

Harmony:
You have got some nerve coming back here after breaking my Boo-Boo's heart.

Drusilla:
[Mouths to Spike] Boo-Boo?

Spike:
Oh, what...Ohh! Gaaah! What the bleeding hell is wrong with you bloody women? What the hell does it take? Why... do you bitches torture me?

Buffy:
Which question do you want me to answer first?

Buffy:
Spike, the only chance you had with me was when I was unconscious

Giles:
You can't be responsible for what Spike thinks or feels.

Buffy:
Well, aren't I responsible? I mean, something about me had to make him feel that, right? Something that made him say, "Woof! That's the one for me!"

Tara:
Well, I-I go online sometimes, but… everyone's spelling is really bad. It's… depressing.

Buffy:
I don't know about you guys, but I've had it with super-strong little women who aren't me.

Giles:
A fourteen-year-old is too old to be babysat, it's not fair to her.

Buffy:
What'd she make you do?

Giles:
Well, we listened to aggressively cheerful music sung by people chosen for their ability to dance, and we ate cookie dough and talked about boys.

Buffy:
[laughs] Oh, I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry, but if it makes you feel any better, my fun-time Buffy party night involved watching a robot throw Spike through a window. So if you wanna trade... No wait, I wouldn't give that memory up for anything.

Giles:
Robot? Sounds interesting.

Buffy:
We're gonna work on it in the morning, I mean, unless you want to stay for a while, and then you and I could-

Joyce:
Who wants to hear everything?

Buffy:
...listen to my Mom talk about boys.

Giles:
Right. Must go. See you tomorrow. Bye Joyce.

Joyce:
Bye Rupert.

Joyce:
[recounting her date with Brian] Gosh, I'd forgotten how much fun dating can be.

Buffy:
I dunno, I was standing right here. I didn't see Prince Charming. I didn't even see a goodnight kiss. It all looked pretty tame to me.

Joyce:
Well, I suppose by your standards it would seem pretty... Oh, dear.

Buffy:
What?

Joyce:
I left my bra in his car.

Buffy:
[appalled] Mother!

Joyce:
I'm joking.

Buffy:
Good God, that's horrible. Don't do that.

Joyce:
[playfully] I left it in the restaurant.

Buffy:
[running upstairs, hands over her ears] No more! No more! No more!

Joyce:
[calling upstairs] On the dessert cart!

Buffy:
[faintly, off screen] I can't hear you!

Buffy:
Maybe I could change. You know, I could, I could work harder. I could spend less time slaying, I could laugh at his jokes - I mean, men like that, right, the, the joke-laughing-at?

Xander:
Or maybe you could just be Buffy, he'll see your amazing heart, and he'll fall in love with you.

Joyce:
I think we're just about ready for pie.

Xander:
And then I'll be pretty much ready for barf.

Buffy:
Xander!

Dawn:
Gross.

Xander:
You know, barf from the eating. 'Cause all was good and too much goodness.

Joyce:
I'm taking it as a compliment.

Giles:
Yes, everything was delicious.

Anya:
Yes. I'm going to barf, too.

Joyce:
Everyone's so sweet.

Xander:
How you doin' there, Will? Are you in the vomit club, too?

Willow:
[groans] I had too much nog.

Tara:
Oh, baby. Want me to rub your tummy? She likes it when I... uh, s-stop explaining things.

Dawn:
My nog tastes funny. I think I got one with rum in it.

Willow:
That's... bad.

Xander:
Yeah! Now Santa's gonna pass you right by! Naughty boozehound.

Willow:
Santa always passes me by. Something puts him off. Could be the big honkin' menorah.

...

Anya:
I mean, it's a myth that it's a myth. There is a Santa Claus.

Xander:
The advantage of having a thousand-year-old girlfriend. Inside scoop.

Tara:
There's a Santa Claus?

Anya:
Mm-hmm. Been around since, like, the 1500s. But he wasn't always called Santa. But with, you know, Christmas night, flying reindeer, coming down the chimney - all true.

Dawn:
All true?

Anya:
Well, he doesn't traditionally bring presents so much as, you know, disembowel children. But otherwise...

Tara:
The reindeer part was nice.

Buffy:
She's cold.

911 Operator:
The body is cold?

Buffy:
No, my mom!

[Willow is searching for something to wear]

Willow:
Have you seen the blue one? Joyce liked the blue one.

Tara:
I can check the Laundry room again if you want.

Willow:
What about Purple? What does Purple mean?

Tara:
I think it means...royal. Purple means royalty.

Willow:
I can't be Royal when I'm at the hospital. "Oh, look at me, I'm the queen of everything, I'm better than you!". [Crying] I have to go see Buffy and be supportive. Why do all my clothes have stupid things on them? Why can't I dress like a grown up? Can't I be a grown up?

Tara:
Shh, darling. [Kissing her on the head]

Willow:
Tara, I can't do this.

[Tara and Willow kiss]

Tara:
We can do this.

Willow:
We can be there for Buffy and Dawn.

Tara:
We can be strong.

Willow:
Strong like an Amazon?

Tara:
[Laughs] Like an Amazon.

Willow:
I wish I had the blue.

Anya:
Are they gonna cut the body open?

Willow:
Oh my God! Would you just... s-stop talking? Just... shut your mouth! Please!

Anya:
What am I doing?

Willow:
How can you act like that?

Anya:
Am I supposed to be changing my clothes a lot? I-is that the helpful thing to do?

Xander:
Guys-

Willow:
The way you behave-

Anya:
Nobody will tell me.

Willow:
Because it's not okay for you to be asking these things!

Anya:
But I don't understand! I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I knew her, and then she's- there's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead... anymore! It's stupid! It's mortal and stupid! And... and Xander's crying and not talking, and... and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch, ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn, or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why! [She begins to cry.]

Willow:
[long pause] We don't know. How it works. Why.

Xander:
I'll tell you what it is is. It's the frickin' doctors. I mean, they just let her out, clean bill of health. Dig a hole in your skull, here's a band aid, next. They should have checked her over, kept her in. We don't got enough monsters in this town, the doctors gotta help them out?

Willow:
Xander, it just happened.

Xander:
[Nearly crying] Things don't happen. I mean they don't just happen. Somebody's gotta...

Angel:
I can stay in town as long as you want me.

Buffy:
How's forever? Does forever work for you?

...

Buffy:
I'm worried about tomorrow.

Angel:
What's tomorrow?

Buffy:
That's exactly what I don't know.

Buffy:
I could jam wooden things into monsters but Mom was the strong one.

[Spike meets Willow and Xander outside Buffy's house. Spike is carrying flowers]

Spike:
I'm not going in.

Xander:
And you're not leaving those. You really think you're going to score points with Buffy this way?

Spike:
This isn't about Buffy.

Xander:
Bull. We're all hip to your doomed obsession.

Spike:
They're for Joyce.

Xander:
Like you cared about her. [Spike moves closer to Xander]

Willow:
Guys. Not here.

Spike:
Care? Joyce was the only one of the lot of you I could stand.

Xander:
And she was the only one with a daughter you wanted to shag. I'm touched.

Spike:
I liked the lady. Understand, monkey boy? She was decent. She didn't put on airs. And she was the only one who didn't treat me like a freak.

Xander:
Her mistake.

Spike:
[scoffs] Think what you want. [He throws the flowers to the ground and stomps off]

Xander:
Un ... believable. The guy thinks he can put on a big show and con Buffy into being his sex monkey.

Willow:
[looking at flowers] Xander... He didn't leave a card.

Dawn:
I know why you're doing this. I mean,you're practically stalking my sister

Spike:
Its not that. I just don't like to see Summers women taking it on the chin. And I mean what I said earlier. You tell her about this, I'll put you in the ground as well.

Anya:
Don't you like television? I thought all children despise effort and enjoy cartoons.

Buffy:
[about a ritual] So, how's it start?

Giles:
I, uh, jump out of the circle and I jump back in it and then um, I shake my gourd.

Buffy:
I know this ritual! The ancient shamans were next called upon to do the hokey pokey and turn themselves around!

Giles:
[affecting annoyance] Go quest.

...

[Giles sighs, then reluctantly jumps out of the circle, jumps back in, and shakes his gourd.]

Buffy:
And that's what it's all about.

Tara:
Everyone, before we jump all over her, people do strange things when someone they love dies. When I lost my mother, I did some pretty dumb stuff like lying to my family and staying out all night.

Anya:
Buffy's boinking Spike.

[Willow and Tara are left speechless for a moment.]

Willow:
Oh. Tara's right. Grief can be powerful, and we shouldn't judge-

Tara:
What are you, kidding? She's nuts!

Xander:
No one is judging you. It's understandable. Spike is strong and mysterious and sorta compact but well-muscled.

Buffy:
I am not having sex with Spike! But I'm starting to think that you might be!

Giles:
Quite extraordinary, really.

Buffybot:
Thank you. But I really think we should be listening to the other Buffy, Guiles. [She pronounces it with a hard G, like "guy."] She's very smart and she's gonna help us save Spike.

Giles:
"Guiles?!" [turns to address the real Buffy] Spike didn't even bother to program my name properly!

Buffy:
[to the Buffybot] Listen, skirt girl, we're not going to save him. We're going to kill him. He knows who the Key is, and there's no way he's not telling Glory.

Buffybot:
You're right. He's evil. But you should see him naked! I mean really!

Buffy:
[impersonating the Buffybot] Why did you let that Glory hurt you?

Spike:
She wanted to know who the Key was.

Buffy:
Well, I can tell her, and then you...

Spike:
No! You can't ever. Glory never finds out.

Buffy:
Why?

Spike:
Cause Buffy, the other, not-so-pleasant Buffy... Anything happened to Dawn, it'd destroy her. I couldn't live, her bein' in that much pain. I'd let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did.

[Buffy kisses Spike]

Spike:
And my robot?

Buffy:
The robot is gone. The robot was gross and obscene.

Spike:
It wasn't supposed to...

Buffy:
Don't. That thing, it wasn't even real. What you did for me and Dawn... that was real. I won't forget it.

Xander:
Whatever you choose, you've got my support. Just think of me as... as your... You know, I'm searching for supportive things and I'm coming up all bras. So, something slightly more manly, think of me as that.

Spike:
I'm a vampire. I know something about evil. You're not evil.

Dawn:
Maybe I'm not evil. But I don't think I can be good.

Spike:
Well, I'm not good, and I'm alright.

Willow:
Well, I took Psych 101. I mean, I took it from an evil government scientist who was skewered by her Frankenstein-like creation before the final, but I know what a Freudian slip is.

[Willow is upset at Tara's implication that she isn't committed to their relationship.]

Willow:
I get it. You think you're just a college experiment until I get over the thrill and head back to Boystown.

Spike:
So you're saying that a powerful and mightily pissed off witch was planning on going and spilling herself a few pints of God blood until you, what, explained?

Buffy:
No, I told Willow it would be like suicide.

Spike:
I'd do it. Right person, person I loved, I'd do it.

[Tara has just been brain-sucked by Glory and is at the hospital with the Scoobies]

Doctor (to Willow):
Is she your sister?

Willow (quietly):
She's my everything.

Glory:
Any last words?

Buffy:
Just one. Truck.

[A truck smashes into Glory]

[On the run from Glory, Giles calms the gang while they wait for Buffy to bring transportation.]

Giles:
Look, everything will be alright. We just need to stay here, calm. As soon as Buffy arrives-

[A boxy, beaten-up mobile home pulls up to pick them up.]

Giles:
... we'll feel oddly worse.

Spike:
Come on. Step on it, gramps

Giles:
Step on what? I've driven tricycles with more power than this.

Dawn:
Anya's going to try to cook. Want to watch the tears and recriminations?

Dawn:
Destroyer of the universe. Guess cutting school doesn't seem so bad now, huh.

Spike:
I'm willing to wager when all's said and done, Buffy likes it rough.

Spike:
[laughs sarcastically] Oh, I get it. That's very crafty. [nods] Glory's worked the kind of mojo where anyone who sees her little presto-change-o instantly forgets. And yours truly, being somewhat other than human ... stands immune.

Willow:
[frowning.] So ... Ben and Glory ... are-are the same person?

Xander:
[slowly, like a revelation] Glory can turn into Ben, and Ben turns back into Glory.

Anya:
And anyone who sees it instantly forgets.

Spike:
[sigh of relief] Kewpie doll for the lady.

Giles:
Excellent. Now. Do we suspect there may be some kind of connection between Ben and Glory?

Spike:
Found Ben's room at Glory's. Didn't learn much.

Xander:
Wait, wait, wait. Ben? At Glory's? [Spike rolls his eyes.] You're saying all this time he's been subletting from her?

Spike:
This ... is gonna be worth it.

[Spike bitch-slaps Xander upside the head. The two of them both grab their heads in pain.]

Spike/Xander:
Ow!!

Glory:
I look around at this world you're so eager to be a part of and all I see is six billion lunatics looking for the fastest ride out. Who's not crazy? Look around, everyone's drinking, smoking, shooting up, shooting each other, or just plain screwing their brains out 'cause they don't want 'em anymore. I'm crazy? Honey, I'm the original one-eyed chicklet in the kingdom of the blind, 'cause at least I admit the world makes me nuts.

Young Buffy:
Do you like dolls?

Willow:
No, and I think we already deja'd this vu.

Young Buffy:
You talk funny.

Willow:
Yes, as you will tell me again when we are older and in chem class.

Xander:
Why blood? Why Dawn's blood? Why couldn't it be like a-a lymph ritual or something?

Spike:
'Cause it's always got to be blood.

Xander:
We're not actually discussing dinner right now.

Spike:
Blood is life, lackbrain. Why do you think we eat it? It's what keeps you going. Makes you warm. Makes you hard. Makes you other than dead. 'Course it's her blood.

Buffy:
This is how many apocalypses for us now?

Giles:
Oh, uh, six at least. Feels like a hundred.

Buffy:
I've always beaten them. Always won.

Giles:
Yes.

Buffy:
I sacrificed Angel to save the world. I loved him so much, but I knew what was right. I don't have that anymore. I don't understand. I don't know how to live in this world, if these are the choices, if everything just gets stripped away. I don't see the point. I just wish- I just wish my mom was here.

Buffy:
Weapons are by the TV. I'll grab the stuff upstairs.

Spike:
Buffy... If you wanna just hand them over the threshold...

Buffy:
Come in, Spike.

Spike:
Presto. No barrier. I won't bother with the small stuff. Couple of good axes should hold off Glory's mates while you take on the lady herself.

Buffy:
We're not all gonna make it. You know that?

Spike:
Yeah. Always knew I'd go down fightin'.

Buffy:
I'm counting on you to protect her.

Spike:
Till the end of the world. Even if that happens to be tonight.

Buffy:
I'll be a minute.

Spike:
I know you'll never love me. I know that I'm a monster. But you treat me like a man. And that's...Get your stuff. I'll be here

Buffy:
We on schedule?

Giles:
Yes, it's time.

Buffy:
Will?

Willow:
Tara, baby? Is there somewhere you should be?

Tara:
They held me down.

Willow:
No one's holding you. It's the big day, right? Do you wanna go?

Tara:
[pauses on the way to the door, points at Giles] You're a killer. [Quieter] This is all set down. [continues towards the door]

Buffy:
[to Willow] Stay close but don't crowd her. We'll follow in a minute. [to the rest of the gang] Hey, everybody knows their jobs. Remember, the ritual starts - we all die. And I'll kill anyone who comes near Dawn. [leaves]

Spike:
Well, not exactly the St Crispin's Day speech, was it?

Giles:
We few. We happy few.

Spike:
We band of buggered.

Buffy:
Dawn, listen to me, listen. I love you. I will always love you. But this is the work that I have to do. Tell Giles... tell Giles I figured it out. And, and I'm okay. And give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now. You have to take care of each other.You have to be strong. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world-is to live in it. Be brave. Live... for me.

Epitaph:
BUFFY ANNE SUMMERS 1981-2001 BELOVED SISTER DEVOTED FRIEND SHE SAVED THE WORLD A LOT

BUFFY ANNE SUMMERS

1981-2001

BELOVED SISTER

DEVOTED FRIEND

SHE SAVED THE WORLD

A LOT