Californication, Season One

Hank Moody:
(pointing at Jesus on cross) I was just having a little chat with your husband here.

Nun:
Is there anything that I can help you with?

Hank Moody:
Oh no, I don't want to bother a real live person about it.

Hank Moody:
Well, to make a long story short, I can't write, which kinda sucks, since I'm supposed to be a writer. And a professional one at that.

Hank Moody:
[getting a blow job from a nun] Sweet baby Jesus, Hank is going to hell.

Hank Moody:
Near the vaganus? That's weird. Well, I can take a hint. I just so happen to have my GPS with me. I stored it up my ass, yes.

Hank Moody:
Maybe I should hide under your clit, he'll never find me there.

Becca:
Father?

Hank Moody:
Daughter?

Becca:
Why is there a naked lady in your room?

Hank Moody:
Uh... You. Stay... Right here.

Becca:
There's no hair on her vagina. Do you think she's okay?

Hank Moody:
I'll check.

Hank Moody:
So, not only are you a cadaverous lay, you also have a shitty taste in movies.

Hank Moody:
[getting the Evil Eye from Karen] Oh, I know that look. That's the look that shrivels me testes.

Hank Moody:
I'm fine, I'm disgusted with my life and my self. But I'm not unhappy about that. How are you?

Hank Moody:
It's not whether you win or you lose, it's how you play the game.

Hank Moody:
Now don't I get some say in this?

Karen:
No!

Hank Moody:
Are you sure? Because it seems like I should.

Hank Moody:
It looks like we're the proud parents of a lesbian daughter. Up high! What? You're ashamed of our lesbian daughter?

Hank Moody:
Well, she does take after her mother. [Whispering] The make-up and the slutty clothes.

Hank Moody:
Oh because you're in love with me and you want to have like 10,000 of my babies.

Hank Moody:
Marry me. Don't marry him.

Karen:
What?

Hank Moody:
Marry me.

Karen:
Don't f*** with me.

Hank Moody:
I'm not f***ing with you, I don't work without you.

Hank Moody:
HelL-A Magazine blog number 1. Hank hates you all. A few things I've learned on my travels through this crazy little thing called life. One, a morning of awkwardness is far better than a night of loneliness. Two, I probably won't go down in history, but I will go down on your sister. And 3, while I'm down there it might be nice to see a hint of pubis. I'm not talking about a huge 70's Playboy bush or anything. Just something that reminds me that I'm performing cunnilingus on an adult. But I guess the larger question is why is the city of angels so hell bent on destroying its female population.

Hank Moody:
[looking in a bathroom mirror] Nobody likes you, you're ugly and your mother dresses you funny. Now smile, you f***ing douche.?......

Hank Moody:
[about a painting] What the f*** is that?

Bill Lewis:
Oh, you like it? I could have bought a car instead.

Hank Moody:
I think you should still buy the car and then run over whoever created that turd.

Hank Moody:
Well, your breasts are obviously real... and... eh... you have an abundance of pubic hair, which is really nice and... eh... there's no evidence of vaginal rejuvenation. I'd say, aside from the fact that you worship a space alien, you just might be the most beautiful woman I've seen in a long, long time

Hank Moody:
I'm a writer. Non-practicing.

Hank Moody:
Kiss my black ass.

Hank Moody:
Has a nose ring, you know what that means?

Charlie Runkle:
What, she likes it in the nose?

Hank Moody:
That is sick.

Hank Moody:

Meredith:
My baby.

Hank Moody:
You have a baby with married guy? Holy f***!

Meredith:
No, my dog, Cat Stevens.

Hank Moody:
You have a dog named Cat Stevens? Holy f***!

Hank Moody:
What the f*** do you want?

Mia Lewis:
I'm late.

Hank Moody:
What? That's not possible. I...I...I...I...I...I...I wore a condom. That's... that would be like, uh, the immaculate conception. And you, you're the one who... y, you... and then you left.

Mia Lewis:
I'm late for school.

Hank Moody:
[trying to lure a dog named Cat Stevens] Hey, Cat Stevens. C'mere, Cat. Come here. I'll take you away from all this. Cat... Yusuf Islam. Peace Train's a good song. C'mere, Cat. C'mere.

Hank Moody:
Oh, big boy... are you crying?

Charlie Runkle:
A little.

Hank Moody:
Jesus Christ.

Becca Moody:
Have you had the sex?

Hank Moody:
[catching Charlie photographing his secretary] Holy F***-nuts!

Charlie Runkle:
Shit! [falls over]

Hank Moody:
I love women. I have all their albums.

Hank Moody:
(to Meredith) Try not to forget all the times I brought you to fruition. 33 to be exact.

Hank Moody:
Hey. You know, it's not fair to say BRB and then never actually BRB.

Hank Moody:
'B' to the 'I' to the double 'L'. What's up, my nig nog?

Bill Lewis:
I need to talk to you.

Hank Moody:
Well, you should have called. I wouldn't have answered, but you could've left a message, which I would have quickly erased.

Radio show host:
What's your latest obsession?

Hank Moody:
Just the fact that people seem to be getting dumber and dumber. You know, I mean we have all this amazing technology and yet computers have turned into basically four figure wank machines. The internet was supposed to set us free, democratize us, but all it's really given us is Howard Dean's aborted candidacy and 24 hour a day access to kiddie porn. People... they don't write anymore, they blog. Instead of talking, they text, no punctuation, no grammar: LOL this and LMFAO that. You know, it just seems to me it's just a bunch of stupid people pseudo-communicating with a bunch of other stupid people at a proto-language that resembles more what cavemen used to speak than the King's English.

Radio show host:
Yet you're part of the problem, I mean you're out there blogging with the best of them.

Hank Moody:
Hence my self-loathing.

Marcy Runkle:
You can have the ass if you want.

Charlie Runkle:
You can keep it.

Hank Moody:
Can I ask you something?

Karen:
If you must.

Hank Moody:
In this past life of ours, was I mean... To you? Did I ever, did I make you feel stupid?

Karen:
You weren't mean, no, but you can be pretty hard on people Hank.

Hank Moody:
I wish it were different.

Karen:
And so do I, but it's not.

Mia Gross:
Rome is burning, he said, as he poured himself another drink. Yet, here I am knee deep in a river of pussy. Here it comes, she thought. Another self indulgent, whiskey soaked diatribe about how f***ing great everything was in the past. And how all us poor souls born too late to see the Stones at - wherever, or snort the good coke like that they had at Studio 54 - well, we all just missed out on practically everything worth living for. And the worst part was, she agreed with him. Here we are, she thought, at the edge of the world - the very edge of western civilization and all of us are so desperate to feel something... anything... that we keep falling into each other and f***ing our way toward the end of days.

Hank Moody:
All those things that weren't supposed to happen? They happened. But what happens next is up to you.

Karen:
Go, before I change my mind!

Mia:
What are you gonna do, spank me?

Charlie:
You girls talk about everything, don't you?

Mia:
It ain't over till it's over!

Priest:
If anyone should see any cause why these two should not be wed, speak now, or forever hold your peace.

Mia:
Yoo-hoo? Over here.

Becca:
You're tragically flawed, dad, but you've got a good heart.

Hank Moody:
I was thinking maybe I'll get into teaching.

Charlie:
"There's an idea... Not a particularly good one, but an idea nonetheless"

Hank Moody:
I hate you.

Hank Moody:
"Just because something is bleak doesn't necessarily make it true."

Hank Moody:
"Happy endings may get a bad rap, but they do happen -- and when they do, they're just as true as the unhappy ones."

Hank Moody:
"You see, I try to live in an ivory tower, but a tide of shit is constantly beating at its walls."

Becca Moody:
"You never mean to let me down.....but you do."

Hank Moody:
"Yeah I guess I do."

Becca Moody:
"It's all well and good to talk about happy endings, but if a person can't deliver, if he keeps screwing up, well eventually I guess you kinda just have to say 'fuck you'...or words to that effect."

Marcy Runkle:
"I want the little one; she looks like she knows things."

Hank Moody:
You can't snort a line of coke off a woman’s ass and not wonder about her hopes and dreams, it's not gentlemanly.

California Son:
Hank Moody: He used to call you a walking penis!

California Son:
Hank Moody (after being punched): Ow! Your pimp hand is strong!

California Son:
Trixy: No! Not in the face. He's too cute.

California Son:
Al Moody: "Your mother was into all of that catholic guilt shit, not me. Life's too short to dance with fat chicks."

California Son:
Charlie Runkle: "I love the condom, keeps me in the game..."

California Son:
Hank Moody: "All my fucking life, people have been telling me I do things wrong. I’m always the fucking asshole. I look around and I see everybody else is infinitely more fucked up than I am."

Hank Moody:
Come again... so to speak.

Karen:
I question everything. It´s very healthy.